Within minutes, and on occasion seconds, I form opinions of you and your little dog, too. I almost can't help myself.
If your house smells like cat urine, my assumption is: that you have at one time or another left your car windows down in the rain. Rather than getting the upholstery professionally cleaned, you let the car sit in the sun with the windows cracked. You eat Easy Cheese on Saltines. You have on more than one occasion had a family-size container of tapioca pudding in your fridge. You vacation at the Florida Disney. You grew up with a finished basement and have a mole you really wish was out of sight.
If you currently have hair not of this decade: you still harbor a crush on Burt Reynolds. Your father never told you that you were pretty. You likely wear granny panties and eat the rind on cheeses when you shouldn't. You've owned a parakeet. You buy store brand potato chips. You have awful, uncoordinated, unfulfilling sex.
If you wear suits that are too tight on your ass: your husband is having an affair with the woman from church who says she loves your lemon meringue pie but never finishes the slice. You drive a minivan that has at one time or another had its backseat covered in vomit. You buy excessively ornate birthday cards. With sparkles. From CVS. You complain incessantly about Beltway traffic and have a persistant toothache for which you neglect to make a dental appointment. You're not yet over your high school boyfriend. You like lace. A lot.
If you're a single Billy Joel fan and blogger living with two cats: you probably freeze your smelly shoes and have at least once found an ice cube in them. You post to Craigslist after drinking cheap wine and don't remember until noon the next day. You probably scoop out used cat litter and, too lazy to take it to the trash, leave it in the scoop on the floor. In a pinch, you freshen up your armpits with Clorox wipes. You clean the shower no more than three times a year. Sometimes, you think about where you'd hide a dead body if you had one.
Yep. Sounds about right.