September 8, 2005
Waiting for Merlot
I'm quitting drinking. For 21 days, at least. Yes, not yet a girl, not ever to be a wino will not be consuming the alcoholic beverages for the next three weeks. I have made a pact with the beau, as part of our seemingly never-ending and ever unsuccessful attempts to better ourselves Oprah style, to stop drinking. This ban includes the consumption of boxed, bottled, cooking and Communion wines, beer, gooey chocolates with liqueur centers, the notorious Zima, frat boys, as well as an assortment of colorful cough syrups and mouthwashes. In return, the beau is giving up bread and potatoes, which he says is rumored to be life threatening to an Irishman like himself.

But damn it, I love to drink! I savor the wonderful feeling of being tipsy in a black dress, my hair actually tinted the correct color for once and my heels the only comfortable pair I own. I love the feeling of a mild beer buzz while watching football in the fall; the wings taste better and losing a game is just that little bit easier. Wine livens conversations and encourages laughter. Meals are taken to a new level; even a house red livens pasta and bread and makes your cannoli that much sweeter. And frankly, I love to sit with a glass (or a few) of white wine at my computer, writing about my day and laughing at all of yours.

If only drinking didn't cause so many problems. It is truly a shame that the centers of my brain responsible for intoxication and hunger never fully developed independent of one another; repeated clinical trials at Kris Laboratories in Washington, DC have shown that within seconds of consuming any one of the aforementioned alcoholic nectars, I must devour all things within a five-foot radius. (The cats have even developed a Pavlovian running response to me simply reaching for the wine glass.) I simply cannot be trusted to make good nutritional decisions while I have been drinking. And frankly, the chins and I have decided that we aren't going to take it anymore.

Not to mention how awful I sometimes feel. I have been blessed with being one of those highly-irritating people who loves the morning and seizing the day and all of that crap. But at the ripe old age of 31, it is harder and harder to wake up feeling kissed by the doves and the dew when eight hours earlier you've downed the better part of a 750 ml bottle of corner store wine. I've reached a point where my weekend consumption of Advil alone warrants a considerable stock purchase in the pain killer market. Not to mention that drinking makes me accost unsuspecting old people leaving 7-11 for the reward a single cigarette, leaving my lungs and my head in a partnership of pain.

And then there's the issue of dialing. I don't just drunk dial, I first glass dial, I tipsy dial, and I pass out dial. I call parents, friends, and friends' parents. I have purposely not programmed my boss' number into my cell and am on the very verge of removing all blood relatives from the directory hopper. While drinking, I have what are reportedly full and lively conversations about weddings and promotions and funerals and bake sales and leave them without any recollection. At the time, I am (once again, reportedly) perfectly coherent. But even a glass or two of alcohol, coupled with my "strange-it's-so-bad-as-there-isn't-evidence-of-a-head-trauma" memory, and I lose the ability to recapture conversations and bold statements. You know, ones like, "Baby, I've reconsidered. I really do think I want to have your babies right now."

So yes, I'm quitting drinking. For now. But stand by, world. At the end of September 2005, I will once again resume my spot as both the most fun and forgetful woman on the planet.


67 Comments:

I will drink twice as much for the next 3 weeks to make up for it.

Blogger ginger said...

I stopped about 5 years ago simply because my highway from sober to drunk/puking/disgusting is a short one. I don't get tipsy - just BOOM. Sick. So I gave up trying all together. Of course, not drinking has NEVER stopped me from dancing on a table or having a wardrobe malfunction on a karaeoke stage.

Blogger Kim said...

Hey Kris, I haven't read the post yet but I was wondering if you wanted to get together for drinks this weekend.

hehe

I'm glad Dale offered to drink twice as much for you because if he hadn't I would have and, god knows, that wouldn't have been good.

But just think, in 3 weeks, the wine will taste twice as good.

Blogger Sizzle said...

I am sure you will still be fun without the alcohol- it IS you afterall that we are talking about.

I wish you the best of luck as you embark on your Oprah-esque journey. And when you come to your senses, we shall drink a cyber-toast to you. Hee hee. ;)

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I certainly hope this does not mean you will stop sending me pictures of humping cats.

Blogger Jürgen Nation said...

And then, on October 1st, we SHALL DRINK. We will have a Bloggy DrinkFest or something. I'd like to stop drinking in support of a new friend, but, um, naaah.

Blogger still_figuring_out said...

good luck in keeping with your resolution!

Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Quitting drinking for 21 days?

But your new website look. That big fat martini with the barefoot blonde. That makes me want to have a martini right now.

Dang, never mind. Got to wake up and go to work tomorrow. :(

Blogger tmaris said...

I have just recently stopped drinking from Sundays through Thursdays. Two benefits: you are going to lose weight and you are going to be one hell of a cheap drunk when this is all done. Good luck!

Blogger Patsy Darling said...

I've just found you an now you abandom me and the booze. How can you live without it? You may die. It's dangerous to stop drinking, I've err heard that from some people.

Is there a mailing list for the cat humping pictures???

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger deanne said...

Oh well, at least you can just replace the booze with something like crack!

Seriously, as someone above said, you will be a wonderfully cheap drunk when you hop off the wagon. There's nothing quite like being unutterably shitfaced off three pints of Kronenbourg (my proudest moment).

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I quit drinking a few times. Then one time, I quit and it only took for 2 days. Then I quit and it only lasted a day. I started quitting every morning and then breaking my oath every afternoon. That's when the fun part went away. It was un-fun for a year and a half, and then I got sober.

I miss when drinking was fun.

I can't ever do it again.
But I'm happy with that.

Blogger Bobby said...

How is that fair?

Most of my friendls and family would never hear from me without the benefit of drink dialing. It's the only time I feel like talking to most of them.

Blogger Mel said...

I can't believe you are quitting drinking at the BEGINNING of the football season! This is bad, bad news for FSU.

Seriously, I feel your pain. I recently stopped drinking because I was diagnosed with an ulcer. After that, I went on a tequila rage and did some really stupid stuff.

So yeah, I haven't drank since.

But, I'll be going down to Tech for the Sept 17th game, and I can't root for the team without tailgating. It's sacrilegious.

Oct 1, 2005. I'll meet you downtown for drinks. :)

Blogger A Unique Alias said...

Speaking as a man who is drunk on a Friday morning because my capacity to drink exceeds my ability to process the stuff:

You will last until Wednesday of next week.

(Oh, and my word verification code for this comment was "yzgasm," which is I believe is what happens at the pinnacle of a Czechoslovakian sexual experience . . . holy crap, I really am drunk. I'd better go look busy.)

Blogger t2ed said...

First, rehab is for quitters.

Second, you drink to make other people interesting. Trust me, I've been the designated driver some times. Those people are annoying and obnoxious if you're not drinking too.

Third, I'm selling all my wine company stock holdings. This will certainly be a blow to the Napa Valley regional economy.

Blogger Sub Girl said...

good luck. that's a tall order! i don't drink very much, but i think it would be really hard to not drink at all for 21 days...

Anonymous Jorge said...

Be prepared for people asking if you're pregnant.
It sucks, but it's true.

Good luck on yuor endeavour.
I am about to embark on a stag that will probably involve no drinking at all.
No debauchery.
Just eating fatty foods.

Blogger Jeremy said...

I saw that comment from "Patsy darling" and realized how much I miss Absolutely Fabulous. That show was freakin' hilarious -- even though I'm probably not the correct target audience. Whatever. If not drinking will keep you from going Patsy, this is a good thing.

Blogger Dave said...

Okay, a few points:

First, your new site design is damn amazing. I'm a jealous, jealous boy. I went immediately to my template and tried my own radical redesign, but only managed to widen the margins after about sixty-five minutes of hard labour. That is not a joke. Also, I was planning to use a picture of me in a black dress, bent over a beer stein, but now no longer. That was a joke. Well okay, at best it was ‘a joke.’

Second, I admire your courage and I love little self-improvement projects. We just came back from Vegas where I drank about seven-hundred Heineken, so I’ve been thinking about laying off the beer for a while. Which means I’ll drink twice as much rum.

Third, Jorge shared your message of guilt with me. Let me remind you that I’ve been out of the country for about a week, and further, for the thirty hours since I’ve been back, I’ve either been working, sleeping, or on the can. TMI, I know, but I’m all about honesty today. Moral of the story being: Dave still loves Mama. More then ever. He’s just been away.

Blogger Kiki said...

I haven't drank much since taking the medication I'm on, and it's crazy how your tolerence goes down so fast! After a month, all you'll need is one glass of wine and you'll be drunk dialing!

Good luck at any rate and we'll be here to support you!!

Blogger MKD said...

I really don’t understand your post. Do you mean to say that NOT drinking is good for you? Because I’m pretty that is a lie. My mom always said that alcohol makes people more charming, of course she was talking about my dad mostly.

Blogger Neil said...

Does this include not eating rum cake?

Blogger MsAPhillips said...

Every day, think: wow, I really DO look less puffy!

Find fun ways to increase your metabolism to support the change in your body from not drinking.

Find some other people who also decided not to drink, one day at a time.

Blogger Johnny said...

i wise man once said,
why dont you just quit?

and richard gere replied,
cause i got no where else to go!!!

this is clearly one of those.

salud,

Anonymous Sanora said...

Definitely will be good for weight loss - I don't think I could give up wine for three weeks. Of course, I don't drink corner store wine because truly, the cheaper the wine, the bigger the Bayer bottle needs to be so you're ultimately not saving any money...

Blogger LBseahag said...

glad i am seeing your site now, its gorgeous..cuz in a few hours i will be all trashed trying to operate the mouse with two fingers balancing my drink and a smoke...

Blogger Alecia said...

That's just crazy talk. No drinking for 21 days?!?!? I wouldn't even pretend I could do it.

Kidding...Good luck with your little self-improvement Oprah-esqe project. I'm sure you'll do fabulously.

Blogger Megarita said...

Man, that's gutsy! Football season and what-not! You will feel better and look better rather rapidly, though. Nothing but delicious empty calories (she says, hoping feverishly that wedding this weekend has open bar...)

God speed to your carb-kicking month!

Blogger The Senator said...

Kris...now this is an excellent blog! I can't believe I just ran into you...

Don't quit drinking. Everything in moderation, my dear...well, almost.

Blogger babyjewels said...

"the chins and I..." love it. good luck with the quitting. Let me know if your chins wan to have a play date with mine.

Blogger JJ said...

But, if you quit drinking won't everyone stop liking you? I mean, I don't even like to drink, I just do it every day because the people from Peer Pressure, Inc. clued me in to this fact. It'll be weird when I'm still with the cool people and you're... wherever non-drinkers go.

See you when you get back!

Blogger JordanBaker said...

I stopped drinking for awhile, and realized I didn't like any of my friends anymore. So then once I had new friends that I liked sober, I allowed myself to start drinking again. Luckily, the new friends still like me. Or at least, they do a good job of faking it.

You just need a better drinkin' buddy.

Blogger Slade said...

I'll think about you every time I pick up my glass...which is probably as often as you do (oopps I mean "did")hehe

I think this is a noble thing for you to do...it is kind of a "fast" so here is a suggestion for this alcohol-free time period...make it into a spiritual thing. Every time you get a craving, think about the people in the South right now that are struggling to get food and clean water...I think this is great, Kris! Good luck girl...oh yeah, and when you come back to the dark side I'll give you my number to save into your drunk dial directory...hehe

Blogger Jason said...

I always have beer in the house, but since having kids I rarely DRINK, as it's commonly used. I honestly don't miss it. I get much more out of my nights. Except when I'm in Europe. Then it's every night.

Blogger lizzyjane said...

Oh dear. Good Luck.
I will eat a bag of chocolate chips in your honor.

Blogger Jersey Girl said...

I hear meth is a lovely subsititue for Pinot Grigio. Good luck girl, thanks for visiting mine, loved yours! Take care.
~Jersey

Blogger Shawn said...

Can I have all your Merlot then? I promise to drink too much of it and do foolish things in your honor...

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Are cough syrup and vanilla extract permitted?

Just curious.

Blogger Jackie said...

Excellent. Good luck with quitting drinking.... :) Just make sure you don't reward yourself with food and end up weighing 300 lbs!! :)

Blogger Jürgen Nation said...

I just wanted to let you know that I'm drinking for you tonight. Diet Root Beer and Absolut Vanilla = BEST DRINK EVER. And I'm having a few for you because I care. *hiccup*

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

There's always meditation.

i stumbled onto your blog through "Drinks Well With Others." Love it! Great stuff!

Blogger Lauren said...

I once gave up drinking for a week, but then the boyfriend decided I'm much meaner sober...

In the UK there is this nice non-alcoholic drink called appletizer, it almost makes you forget you're not getting wasted off it.

Blogger sunshine said...

I just love this line because I agree with it so much:

"I savor the wonderful feeling of being tipsy in a black dress, my hair actually tinted the correct color for once and my heels the only comfortable pair I own."

The only thing I would add is that it's fun to wear really high heels in these situations because when you get off of the bar stool to go powder your nose, you tend to slip and wobble a little, causing your date to lunge manfully toward you to keep you from tipping over.

I love it when that happens...

I have tried to quit drinking many times (for empty calorie purposes and with the goal of continuing to fit into my jeans), and the only solution I've managed to come up with is to replace the wine with sugar free fruity sodas (Target sells some good ones such as blackbery and grapefruit), mixed with vodka or rum. Still has calories but it cuts back a bit.

Still, a glass of merlot sounds so damned good when the weather starts to cool off. And, drinking and blogging can be such fun. Well, cheers dear, anyway, and good luck with your goal.

Blogger portuguesa nova said...

Hahaha! Good luck to you.

I am such a fascinating telephone conversationalist while drunk, that I just don't think I could ever undertake anything like quitting drinking, even for 21 days.

Blogger KlevaBich said...

Oh dear. Quitting drinking. Exactly what I should be doing. My liver and I shall monitor this blog closely to see how this adventure works for you. Cheers!

(The word verification for this was "vzaoiy." Just try not to think of vodka when reading that.)

Blogger LBseahag said...

Don't look at it as quitting drinking...you are just giving your liver a few weeks paid vacation....

i love your blog...it has replaced the magazines in my bathroom....

Blogger Kris said...

UPDATE: thanks for all of your comments and support (mostly taking the form of boozing even more than my readership already does over the next three weeks!)

Oh, and thanks for taking my blog into the bathroom with you. I think.

I want a glass of wine so badly I'm about to guzzle the expired Robitussin in the cabinet and see if it comes close.

Stupid wellness pact.

Blogger sassyassy said...

I will be sure to hoist a martini or two for you. I just laugh hysterically when I get tipsy. I do great Ambien phone calls and I never recall a word of them so I can understand that concern of yours.

Blogger notasoccermom said...

Poor girl
:(

Blogger sprinkle4 said...

I think that is a wonderful idea for your well being.

Two things:

1. If the beau, being an Irishman, can risk almost sure-fire death by giving up bread and potatoes...it's the least you can do;) (I'm an Irishwoman, so I understand his pain:))

2. The fact that you find it harder to awaken feeling "kissed by the doves and the dew" (I realllly love that line:)) may have less to do with the previous night's intoxication and more to do with the fact that you're over 30 now (being the ripe old age of 38, I understand YOUR pain:))

I, more often than not being on the receiving end of the tipsy phone calls, often refuse to answer my phone after 10 p.m. Because it's either my brother calling to let me know that Mom loved me more than him or one of my co-workers crying about their ex (who has been their ex for about 5 years now!)

Love your blog by the way!

Blogger Jürgen Nation said...

Kris: It doesn't come close. Trust me. You'll just get really tired and have a horrible headache the next day.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, is all I'm sayin'.

Blogger katie's brain said...

I should really do this too, but I have committment issues.

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

I'll be at dale's, drinking too ....someone's got to support those poor little refiners...

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Checking in on ya...

The first few times I quit, I wanted to drink so badly.

When I quit the last time, I had been desperate to stop for a year, and couldn't.

I guess you know it's a problem when you don't want it, but you still drink. You want to stop, but can't.

Today I don't want to drink, and I'm so grateful that I am able to stay sober, and wake up feeling alive.

Not telling you your story, just sharing mine.

I hope this 21 days gives you clarity of thought & self-assessment, reflection, blah blah blah. And maybe you'll lose a pound or two (you probably will, even if you don't want to! ETOH is very efficient body fuel!)

Blogger la.dauphine said...

The only time to properly abstain from drinking is during Lent. That way, you will feel like you're cleansing your Soul as well as Body and your Irish boyfriend can tell his family that he's dating a good Catholic girl and not be completely lying.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Holy crap! You get more popular with every post.

By the way, your "ripe old age of 31" comment makes me want to smack you upside the head.

Blogger MoDigli said...

Wow ~ I'm comment #62 on this post! ... WOW!

May I suggest replacing the alcohol with COFFEE for the next couple of weeks? It just might work! :)

Blogger mal said...

guess I will have to sing "Red, red wine" by myself *sob*

Blogger Oh, that girl. said...

you can any kind of dial me, anytime. I may make you talk to the dogs, but you can always call!

Smooches,

Min Pin Momma

Blogger Cass said...

Good luck!

Blogger DC Cookie said...

I quit once in 2004 for almost 50 days. Instead of drinking alcohol when I went out, I drank red bull. I'd sometimes consume up to 8 per night. I think I'm now immune to the effect of caffeine...

Blogger Wirthy said...

If I were you, I'd say goodbye to beau before goodbye to alcohol.

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