June 20, 2008
Crybabies
NBC has a new show that smacks of an after-school special, one gloriously broadcast at night so adults are home to laugh at its idiocy. This one has an interesting premise: from what I can tell, they take teen couples who are getting it on and make them take care of babies. From the promos, these are a collection of infants who could make Olympic sports out of wailing and the projectile vomiting of green stuff. By the end of the series, I'm pretty sure these teens will be wearing full wet suits while having sex. At least I will be.

Now, when meemaw was in high school, post-industrial revolution and even the discovery of a colony of Walkmen in the forests of Montana, our school district's idea of baby education involved us carrying around 10-pound bags of sugar for a week. Which for a nerd like me was delightful, because I got to dress her up in baby clothes and display her proudly in a stroller leftover from my youth. I became so consumed by the project that I was almost in tears when, on day 7, a stream of tiny white crystals began trickling from her pink dress. She was leaking, and not only did this mean sure project failure, this was my sweet sack of sugar, people! And, shocker, the school nurse was SO not helpful! Eventually, I put her in a Ziploc bag and didn't get knocked up. But seriously? A bag of sugar in the era of the Space Shuttle?

I must say that our health teacher's stories of teens impregnated while dry humping were infinitely more effective. I certainly haven't done that since.


15 Comments:

Anonymous apathy lounge said...

If all of the lies (especially concerning sex) I was told as a youth could turn into money, I could just about buy that new car I need without taking out a loan. Some of those lies and I can laugh about now. Some...not so much.

Blogger t2ed said...

Our school did it with eggs. Which the teacher had to sign. Because some scofflaw broke his egg and just substituted another egg in its place.

Just like certain Pop Stars do with Malawi children now.

Anonymous Cobwebs said...

Yep. I had my son when my stepdaughter was 13. She got to see what raising a baby is really like. She's nearly 18 now and I think she's still afraid of going past first base.

Blogger Jitters said...

OMG, we had the "potato baby" and I hated it. Mine died, so I guess I should buy a wetsuit!

Blogger John said...

LOL. You're so funny. Reminds me of the South Park "Duck & Cover" episode (how to avoid perishing in the event of an erupting volcano).

: )

Blogger Odette said...

Wow I love your blog!

I don't even want to know how someone could get impregnated by dry humping, but I guess the story worked! :P

Anonymous Lara said...

Ha! My school made us carry around eggs, too. I dropped mine. I'll be a fantastic mom, no doubt.

The promos for the show are hilarious, indeed.

Blogger Lucy Rhode said...

We carried eggs too. I had twins and by second period on day one they were in a bowl and ready to be scrambled.

We too heard stories of getting pregnant from dry humping. I remember one girl confessing to getting preggers through her jeans! Talk about the power of suggestion. We were convinced!

Blogger KB said...

we did that too. exactly that. and I made the newspaper with my baby. :) God bless south florida.

Blogger JordanBaker said...

We did it with hardboiled eggs. Mine sustained a minor concussion at one point.

I also remember insisting on the yellow "blanket" (2 inch square of fabric) for my egg baby because I didn't want him to be raised with socially constructed ideas of gender.

Yep. Seventh grade. I was a humourless little cow.

Blogger Alexandreena said...

I was too afraid even of the egg-baby. And of the egg-baby-carrying people on the school bus. Not much has changed since...

More recently, my girlfriend is trying to get pregnant and I actually did suggest dry humping while wearing jeans. I'll let you know how that works for her.

Blogger MereCat said...

I hadn't heard the sugar thing. The egg thing, yes.

Blogger Swistle said...

Hee! Our school used eggs, too.

Oh, man, I STILL REMEMBER the "getting pregnant without even Doing It!" stories. The one I remember best involved wet bathing suits.

Blogger WildbillthePirate said...

I Agree. No more dry-humping! It looks (and feels) a lot like what the Government is doing to all of us now! It's All the Way or No Way!

Blogger linda said...

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


Joyce

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