June 3, 2005
The Boy Whisperer
I am a boy whisperer. That's right, I take on young men, the worst of the relationship worst, some nearly on the verge of being put out of their misery. I find them bucking others in their stables, refusing to remember birthdays and telling females how they really look in jeans, and then I gently mold them into men.

And boy do they blossom. They gain strength, beginning to send Hallmarks to their mothers on special occasions and turning off SportsCenter while eating dinner. They return phone calls in a matter of hours rather than days and discover the wonder of dry cleaning. And then they use their once shaky legs to walk swiftly down the aisle with the next woman they date.

One such young buck (we'll just call him Cletus to expose the innocent) contacted me recently after passing my car on the highway early one morning.(Remember this?) Congratulations on your promotion. So glad you found a new pad you like so much. I hope you are doing well. Ah yes. Young Skywalker. This is the sensitive man I once trained.

Would you like to read my blog? he asked. Always impressed with his writing, I pressed on the link that would take me to his corner of the blogger world. Just as I remembered, the writing was sharp, witty and passionate. Good for him, I thought, and returned to my corner of the blogspot world.

In cleaning my in box out yesterday, I came upon the link again, and decided to see what was new in his life. The title of the most recent entry? My Bachelor Party.

Enjoy him, young female. I spent many hours ensuring that he would run smoothly and consistently without needing to pull too hard on the reins. Enjoy your prompt anniversary cards and calls, him picking up dinner on the random Tuesday night, and his ability to identify a range of emotions beyond "stoked."

You can thank me later.

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12 Comments:

Blogger Meg said...

How considerate of you!

Blogger kitkat said...

You should really demand some thank-you letters.

Best not to mold these young bucks--they'll eventually revert back to their old un-broken days once that ring is on. Find a man you like as is--just like a car, he's going to need maintenance and a few personal touches.

And never, ever date anyone named Ronny.

Blogger Kris said...

I hear you on all counts.

I found one that is ready-made and wonderful. Does all of the above without me having to pay him.

And I thank his ex for all of it.

Anonymous your new phillie said...

The only thing I learned from any of my ex's is to say bless you to sneezers. And no, I did not rip that off from that gawd awful movie.

{Side note, when HBO became 48 channels, didn't one of them put that movie on a continuous loop?}

The rest is upbringing. Lottsa good parents, coaches, and teachers.

Blogger Kris said...

Filly?

How many parents did you have?

Anonymous spelchec said...

Sad isn't it? One of my moms was an English Teacher.

Blogger Slade said...

I picture you stroking his back saying "good boy, now run along"
:-)

Anonymous oregano said...

It works both ways. There are a few men out there who have benefited from their wives having first dated me. Yes, that is right.

I'm not bitter.

Really, I'm not.

I need chocolate.

Blogger lizzyjane said...

Motherfucker.

Blogger Oh, that girl. said...

Why does this always happen. This always happened to me. I would date someone, then they would marry the next girl they dated. Its like I ruined them or something. Men suck! Good think I found one that someone else had broken.

Blogger lauren emily said...

Kris,

You mean it's possible to get a guy to register anything beyond 'stoked' and the occasional 'pissed'?? I'm amazed! I'm going to keep reading...

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Keep up the good work »

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