March 21, 2007
Relish the red onion!
Today was another Weight Watchers* weigh-in day. Did I fail to whine about being back on the Dub Dub again? Well I am. So suck it.

So for the past two weeks I have successfully managed to lose, and for effect I will wait for an insert-your-own-drumroll-here moment, a whopping .4 pounds. As in the U.S. equivalent of Bug's long-lost testicles. GRANTED, I attended a tiny wine event that served cream liquers and THE Dubliner cheese, both of which I may or may not have sampled, but for the rest of my six dieting days I lived on light popcorn and oxygen. Or so that's how I very precisely recorded it in my food journal.

My beef with this whole diet thing is, or should I say my 93% lean ground turkey with this whole thing is (ha, that's the processed humor product of a starving brain, people), is that I have absolutely no interest in the consumption of crap. Something does taste as good as being thin feels, friends, and it's called FOOOOOOOD.

Case in point: fellow diet plan members regale us with tales of scrumptious soy-and-something-or-other burgers laid on delectable light, whuheeet English muffins with all the succulent sprouts and manatee-milk mozzarella and all the other curious cardboard toppings one can muster, and how they (SHE/HE/IT = SHEEIT) ate said ridiculousness with extra celery and pickles and zero-point ice cubes (YOU GO, GIRL!) and how SHEEIT felt not even a pang of desire when that nasty dessert tray WITH CANNOLI presented itself linenside later in the evening (HELLLLL NO, GIRL!) and I'm left thinking, now seriously, WHO ARE WE KIDDING?

I don't want to convert the beauty that is pizza, not even Chicago's, but North Jersey's, the kind that ensures a slice might cover your whole damn head, into a shell of its former self, made of a GD whuheet pita covered in shredded cyborg cow product and dried herbs, cooked up on a NASA-like foil contraption made large enough for my chubby hands to manipulate.

Come to the corner with me and let Mama whisper:

Do you not want you some pizza that makes you weep, what with it's thick, doughy on the inside, crisp-like-Fall-football-games on the outside crust, the cheese that somehow tastes so new, and yet, so perfectly bubbly and fully-cooked through, and tomato sauce - OH! - the tomato sauce, a genius amalgam of tomato and crushed garlic and fresh basil and oregano and love, sweet pea, LOVE in a slow cooker? Do you not want to eat said pizza on a first date, and watch as he devours it just as he might later kiss you, while you giggle and pull burning mozzarella off of your oversized chin?

YES. Because just like sex, you want the real thing. And no substitute will do.

Now excuse me while I wipe my brow. And proceed to draw two-point Sharpie lines on all of my wine glasses.



* I don't hate you Weight Watchers. I've lost quite a bit of body while partnering with you before. I'm just a grumpy old bitty who is only down .4 in two weeks. Let's make up with you sending me free stuff, no?

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39 Comments:

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

Your description of that pizza made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Diets can eff with whatever they want, but they'd better not touch my pizza.

"Something does taste as good as being thin feels, friends, and it's called FOOOOOOOD." = haha. Right on.

Blogger t2ed said...

I'm going to need to get a slice for lunch now.

And maybe have a smoke too.

I can't stand those people that go on gross diets with food that tastes like crap.
I lost 15 lbs and I did it with Dexatrim (for 2 months) and exercise.
I still eat basically whatever I want and if I feel I'm getting chunky again I just pick up the diet pills. Probably not the healthiest thing in the world but it's not like I take them for extended periods of time, either.

Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

And I just love when the person on the other side of the scale asks if you want to use the bathroom before weighing in. Um, I just don't think I'm toting a ten pound poop in my intestine. But thanks for the suggestion, dipfuck. No wonder you work at WW.

Blogger kris said...

PJ, awesome. My new favorite word is fuckchop. That's a good one too, no? (giggles)

Blogger Kim said...

Yesterday I wondered, "If I took one of my Nutrisystem Turkey Hotdogs with me to the baseball game, would they cook it for me?" What the hell? I'm diet obsessed!

But I have lost 20 lbs now.

FYI, dreaded birthday crown picture, sidebar, uhg.

Blogger kris said...

Um, I can't seem to figure out how to delete it . . . so sorry . . .

Blogger Rebecca said...

I've never understood those people, either. I hate all those diet articles out there about "substitutes" for cravings. I'm sorry, if I want cheesecake, a low-fat, low-calorie hot chocolate that tastes like watered-down crap is not going to do it.

Blogger TexInTheCity said...

manatee-milk mozzarella? That gave me both giggles and heebies at the same time!

Blogger Kristin said...

I know how to make crack. Seriously, I have the recipe. Think that will help ? Will it cancel out the 3 "Lean Cuisine" entrees plus a tub of Ben & Jerry's and 63 points worth of wine that I had for dinner ?

Blogger Lord Fondleberries said...

my intent was to type that if you dare to draw indelible lines on riedel glasses, i'll come to your apt, and with my sausage and peppers fingers, take every bottle of wine you own.

instead, i find myself laughing, and quite loudly, in my dull work cubical over "fuckchop". personally, i like "fuckstick" and "fucktard", but fuckchop rocks da house, yo!

huggin mitten-wearin kittens while drinkin wine and mouth molestin cheese,

lord f

Anonymous Jorge said...

To quote the immortal Garfield the cat...


Diet is just "die" with a "t" on the end.

Blogger Matt said...

At least you try. A lot of people have no idea they're fat!

Word up.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I've been keeping track of my calories at fitday.com because I've been a tad bit depressed and my grazing has reached new levels of weird. A few days ago I considered eating dried beans.

Blogger kris said...

I chomped on dry pasta pinwheels once. I really needed something crunchy.

Blogger justjenny said...

I just ate sorbet for lunch. The travails of a job that 1) doesn't allow me to leave my desk and 2) has a snack cart.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I figure I'm okay as long I don't turn completely pica...I think that's what it's called when people eat paint chips, paper, dirt, chalk, etc.

Blogger kris said...

Yes, paint chips, paper, dirt, chalk, and their own feces . . .

Blogger HKW said...

I'm reading Bob Green's "Best Life Diet" book. It seems to be working but isn't a diet, it's a change-habits-forever thing. Resentment for being suckered into thinking it was temporary hasn't set in. Yet.

Real pizza or ice-cream are allowed, but I've literally gotta run for it. Not as much fun but my reality.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Feces?! Oh my god, I would die. DIE!

Blogger Gwen said...

I hate fake food, too. What is the POINT? I know WW has worked for you, so I'm not going to bash it, but I would be the worst participant. I'd have a big bowl of ice cream and then not eat all week. Take that, scale. Yeah! (oh, and sadly, not eating--much--is almost exactly how I stay thinner than John Goodman. That and crystal meth .....)

Blogger Maurey Pierce said...

And just like sex, small doses won't do.

Blogger Maya said...

THE Dubliner. Mmmmm. Have a big ole' block of it in the fridge right NOW. Agreed 100% with Maurey.

Blogger Lisa said...

But have you been exercising more? Because muscle weighs more than fat. So that could account for losing less than you wanted.

A lot of my colleagues are now talking in points. Like, "Is that your two-point afternoon snack?" I think I would have to have the real pizza and then not eat for two days. Fake food sucks.

Blogger kris said...

L, what is this exercise you speak of?

Blogger Cheryl said...

In these moments, I simply choose to believe that I am just gaining muscle, which ways for than fat, so the number isn't changing.

Blogger Lisa said...

Hmm. I guess you were exercising in my imagination. Well, even just hand to mouth can totally build your biceps. That pizza you described, for example, that's gotta be heavy!

Blogger brookelina said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I just got started Nutrisystem. I'm awaiting my pre-packaged food-like substances from the mailman now. At least I'll avoid meetings.

Sorry that was me above. I'm trying to switch to new blogger and it's giving me an ulcer.

Blogger JordanBaker said...

I've been eyeing the "Sonoma Diet" books every time I go to Target--because any diet that tells you what wine you should pair with your manatee milk mozarella is my kind of diet.

Blogger Kelly said...

I'm sorry, I was distracted after you mentione manatee. OH THE HUGE MANTEE!

Ok, better now.

I hate you. I hate you for describing the pizza in such yummy detail. Did you know that it's been four months since I have had such yummy things as pizza and bread? Well it has! And i hate you for writing about it so well that I now have to dry my seat. Or my mouth. Something!

NAPKIN!

Blogger Mel said...

It's ok, you can admit that you hate the Dub Dub just a little. I know I do.

Can I just mention that I have had 94% fat-free popcorn for dinner three nights in a row now? Sometimes I still wonder if we really are the same person...

Blogger anno said...

That's it. I'm ordering pizza tonight. With extra cheese!

Blogger Jenny said...

Re: crunchy things to satisfy? Go to Wally World and stock up on MOJO bars. I think by CLIF. Your inner eco-babe will like it, too.
Also, don't draw on your glasses with sharpies! At least use a Crayola Window Marker (also good for identifying whose glass is whose instead of those annoying little jingly stem decorator things - but possibly I am a bit like the Clampetts by nature)

Anonymous Anonymous said...

WHY the obsesssion with weight? I mean, I'm as obsessed with my own as everyone else here, but doesn't it seem a little ridiculous? I laugh at myself even as I count the calories . . .

Anonymous Gooseberried said...

It's pretty cool that you used the word amalgam.

Blogger egan said...

The pizza in Florida, not so great. WW can be quite useful so I'm glad you're not angry at them for the .4 pound weight loss. It's not just about the weight, but you already know this. Meow.

Blogger Lovely Lelaina said...

The amount of comments on this post is a true testament to how obsessed with weight we all are, isn't it?

And it's 10:00 a.m. and all I want is a big slice of pizza right now. Or sex. Either will do.

Damn you Kris, I still have 7 hours before at least the pizza is attainable. :)

Blogger Julie said...

AMEN!!!

Originally from Brooklyn there is no substitute for the real deal pizza.

You should never have to settle.

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