March 30, 2007
I judge.
Please don't judge me for it.

Within minutes, and on occasion seconds, I form opinions of you and your little dog, too. I almost can't help myself.

If your house smells like cat urine, my assumption is: that you have at one time or another left your car windows down in the rain. Rather than getting the upholstery professionally cleaned, you let the car sit in the sun with the windows cracked. You eat Easy Cheese on Saltines. You have on more than one occasion had a family-size container of tapioca pudding in your fridge. You vacation at the Florida Disney. You grew up with a finished basement and have a mole you really wish was out of sight.

If you currently have hair not of this decade: you still harbor a crush on Burt Reynolds. Your father never told you that you were pretty. You likely wear granny panties and eat the rind on cheeses when you shouldn't. You've owned a parakeet. You buy store brand potato chips. You have awful, uncoordinated, unfulfilling sex.

If you wear suits that are too tight on your ass: your husband is having an affair with the woman from church who says she loves your lemon meringue pie but never finishes the slice. You drive a minivan that has at one time or another had its backseat covered in vomit. You buy excessively ornate birthday cards. With sparkles. From CVS. You complain incessantly about Beltway traffic and have a persistant toothache for which you neglect to make a dental appointment. You're not yet over your high school boyfriend. You like lace. A lot.

If you're a single Billy Joel fan and blogger living with two cats: you probably freeze your smelly shoes and have at least once found an ice cube in them. You post to Craigslist after drinking cheap wine and don't remember until noon the next day. You probably scoop out used cat litter and, too lazy to take it to the trash, leave it in the scoop on the floor. In a pinch, you freshen up your armpits with Clorox wipes. You clean the shower no more than three times a year. Sometimes, you think about where you'd hide a dead body if you had one.

Yep. Sounds about right.


45 Comments:

Blogger t2ed said...

My dog is big. I swear.

This is too funny!

Blogger playfulinnc said...

Clorox wipes??? The ones with the abrasive side and the bleach?

Blogger themikestand said...

That's not fair. I defy you to find a minivan seat that doesn't smell even slightly vomity.

Also, I think we could make a fun party menu out of all the foods / wine listed here. I'll bring the Easy Cheeze. (Is that the aerosol, or the squeezy kind?)

Blogger Jenny said...

I wiped my kid's butt with a Clorox wipe once. Hey, I was tired, okay? And had been cleaning vomit out of my minivan. They were handy. Don't judge me.

Anonymous Shirtless Foreigner said...

Judging me do not. I am struggling poor Bulgarian study student in the States for only time short. I can barely afford to shirt myself as you can see.

But I am willing to give your cats two as much litter of kitty and nip of cat as I can bestow with my sale of plasma.

Let me be your fling of summer. We will sing just like the Grease Kids about Love Summer.

Anonymous Shirtless Foreigner said...

Judging me do not. I am struggling poor Bulgarian study student in the States for only time short. I can barely afford to shirt myself as you can see.

But I am willing to give your cats two as much litter of kitty and nip of cat as I can bestow with my sale of plasma.

Let me be your fling of summer. We will sing just like the Grease Kids about Love Summer.

Blogger Kelly said...

Hey man, we all judge.

My judgement: you're AWESOME!

Blogger Lord Fondleberries said...

it is always best to hide dead bodies in the trunk of an old-model saab 9-3 (one can fit at least 8 bodies therein).

it also is always best to not touch clorox wipes to one's arm pit(s). although, being highly afraid of germs, i am slightly conflicted here: to wipe or not to wipe. i guess i'll wipe. shit. no, wait, clean.

further, it is best to not be drunkenly posting on craigslist (i believe i remarked on your "overheard in northern virginia" post the consequences i faced after such drunken posting.

as for my fabulously bored yet bad ass:

1. i seem to be nourishing the growth of what has been referred to (thanks fuckers) as a skullet (nothing on top, hard-rockin sides and waterfall in the back; be sure to picture this on an average-height half-jewish chap).

2. i grew up in the boston 'burbs, but without a finished basement. either way, my dad's porn collection rocked.

3. i have never consumed "easy" anything. although there was that one time with an easy bake oven and a bottle of boones farm.

4. i have been known to wear suits that are too tight on my ass, but i'm a stylish bit of longing to be eurotrash.

5. i will not likely be married to a man before i leave this fine planet (it's lord, sadly not lady or queen, fondleberries), thus i will not have said cheating upon me husband and most certainly will not be seen in a minivan.

6. i always buy stunning cards for any situation (i am both an anglophile and a stationary slut---papyrus is my second home: your sequened card is in the mail).

7. i love, love, love lace. well, not really.

8. i never had a highschool boyfriend (see above).

9. on most occasions, i am a cheap, slightly oderous drunk. coming soon to a sofa near you: my passed out, tight-panted ass.

huggin drunk kitties and scoopin the poopin,

lord f

Blogger Kim said...

Shirtless foreigner sounds hot! Isn't Craigslist great? You can get a used couch, sporting event tickets and freaky foreigners all in one place.

Blogger Wombat said...

At least shirtless foreigner can afford to trouser himself.

Plus, Kris, I Googled 'unsolved DC murders', and by the looks of it, someone's doing a pretty good job of hiding quite a lot of bodies.

That last one sounds like me except I only have 1 cat and I'm not a huge Billy Joel fan.

I think everyone is guilty of judging people.

Blogger Love Monkey said...

Wow!!! I'd love you to judge me. You'd probably decide I was much more interesting than I really am!!

Blogger DDL said...

My house smells like cat urine because I stupidly allow a cat which has never been de-balled to come in and eat....and spray.

Otherwise, yes, it was easier to leave the windows open....I prefer celery to saltines...it was chocolate pudding and it was good!...I've never been to Florida and I haven't been to me....I always wanted a basement.

I love judging people. It's so wrong and yet, I enjoy it. I'm probably going to hell.

Anonymous Jorge (con apron) said...

That last person sounds hawt.

I'd lurve to meet that shoe-freezing phreak.

:)

Blogger mist1 said...

I think you may have a gift for this. I can't find one place where I disagree. Although, I am pretty sure that if you have hair of another decade you probably have a horrid floral couch covered in plastic.

Blogger brookem said...

I freakin enjoyed this SO much.

Blogger whiskeymarie said...

I judge, therefore I am judged.

I have eaten easy cheese. I REALLY liked it in, like, 1989.

I have, on occasion, used the baby wipes in my car (no baby, just for my inability to eat neatly at 55 mph) to "freshen up". They smell like grapes, so I smell like a popsicle when I'm done. I don't care who sees, either, while I do this in the Target parking lot.

And really, who HASN'T thought of where to hide the body (me? In my basement in this scary well-type thing).

And, I make jell-o fairly regularly, I sometimes have frighteningly smelly shoes (unfrozen) and I sometimes enjoy listening to music most commonly heard coming out of a 1982 Firebird.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why would you freeze shoes? I can't even think of anything clever to say because I'm so stumped right now........

LOL

Anonymous Leah said...

I'm laughing right now. (Well, not out loud b/c I'm still at work and people would look and me...and realize that I'm reading your blog. But ON THE INSIDE i'm laughing out loud because this was seriously funny.)

And although my house does not smell like cat urine, I have had a family sized tub of CHOCOLATE pudding in my fridge, and eaten ALL of it in less than an hour's timeframe. I'm not proud of that, I just have a weakness for pudding.

And the used cat litter in the scoop...unforgiveable. Heheh. Did you also try and teach the cat to "use the toilet"? Don't lie! :-)

Blogger Adjil said...

Does freezing smelly shoes really work? (adding to mental index file)

Oddly enough I find ice cubes in my shoes regularly, although its just one cat that puts them there.

OMG. I just realized I used to work with a woman who fits ALL your personas (personae?). Except the CVS/Beltway part - this is Seattle, so Bartells/I-405. She would scrape her yogurt container for a good 5 minutes once all the yogurt was gone, and her files slid under her cube walls into the neighboring cube - we called that "Pam Creep."

Is this my first comment here? Long time lurker outing herself then... Happy Weekend!

~adjil

Blogger Wicked H said...

Single Billy Joel fan but thank God no cats. So this time, it wasn't me.

Whew!

Blogger Sizzle said...

you're killing me! ha ha.

does the shoes in the freezer really work?

Blogger egan said...

I'm a blogger too and I judge as well.

Blogger JordanBaker said...

Sometimes, you think about where you'd hide a dead body if you had one.

We should collaborate on this. I've spent considerable time over the last month thinking about how I'd dispose of a dead body if I had done. The fact that I drive a two seater with no trunk space whatsoever makes it hard (and makes me yearn for the days of my ancient 626, which--as we learned sneaking people into the drive in--could comfortably hold two gay men).

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

Do the Clorox wipes burn? If not, that sounds like a good idea to me. You know that I pretty much shouldn't leave the house without a Tide pen, so why not toss in some Clorox wipes?

And Jordan and I were totally figuring out the other day what kind of blankets to wrap the hypothetical body in so as to avoid leaving behind much trace, so stick with us.

Blogger Dave said...

The sex I have is fulfilling but uncoordinated. I’m sated, but it takes upwards of five minutes, and it seems to me that if I could only figure out what the hell I was doing I could cut that time in half.

Blogger Bob said...

And if you have nose and ear hair showing does it mean that you've also overlooked other parts of your body when it comes to good grooming and smelling good hygiene habits? Does it also mean that you're the type of person who doesn't tidy up the loose ends of their emotional life? This is Bob with no hairs showing. That must mean something, too. :)

Blogger Itinerant Agonist said...

Wow - this was better judging than Judge Judy - now there is a show I'd watch (along with Judge Judy, and People's Court, of course)!

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

holy cow Kris, who have you been hanging out with lol???

Freezing shoes (puzzled look)???

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

holy cow Kris, who have you been hanging out with lol???

Freezing shoes (puzzled look)???

Anonymous KB said...

it's so embarrassing to be a female with smelly shoes.

Damn sweat.

Do you freeze them just to get them away from you?

Blogger Brillig said...

Don't wear suits, don't do birthday cards, hate the old high school boyfriends.

But I DO drive the minivan. And I have no idea how many billions of times it's been puked on in its two-year history. In fact, just today we added one more puke incident...

Can you freeze van upholstery?

Blogger Melissavina said...

Oh my dear sweet baby Jesus...
You. Commented on MY blog. YOU?! I swear, this is like Madonna coming to one of my karaoke championships and giving a clap or two. I'm not kidding. That is exactly how thrilled I was to see your comment.

So now I must go change my pants.

Blogger E :) said...

Thank goodness I don't live with two cats...

Blogger Julia said...

This is hilarious and strangely very detailed, especially the hair one.

Blogger justjenny said...

Does freezing smelly shoes really work??? I MUST KNOW! I was planning on getting rid of my refrigerator to make more space for shoes, but now I'm think I should just put the shoes in the refrigerator? Except, dude, cold feet...

Blogger Cheryl said...

Don't we all?

Blogger Matt said...

Someone got into the cat nip, I think.

Blogger lizgwiz said...

Hey, I'll have you know I only squirt my Easy Cheese on Triscuits. Never saltines. Hee.

Anonymous Chaos Control said...

You can freeze smelly shoes? For real?? Stunned ...

Hope you don't mind, but I just tagged you (I think that's what they call it) - You've been mentioned on my post today - and you certainly don't have to play along, but I did want you to know that you're on my list ...

Blogger k said...

but here is my question.

if i am more than one of these things, would you still consider hanging out with me?

because my hallway does smell like cat pee and i hate it so much i'm considering moving.

and that last one is just frighteningly true. i have never actually frozen my shoes but i do sometimes leave them outside on the fire escape to "air."

i am not even good enough at cleaning to own clorox wipes. but the suggestion has been duly noted (it's kind of like the under-arm equivalent of using toothpaste on a zit, which totally works, btw, the problem is more about how then your face smells like toothpaste and that's surprisingly disconcerting).

i have never imagined where i'd put a dead body, but given the aforementioned hallway-peeing cat, i maybe have kind of wished that my one cat had been given the tainted cat food.

i realize this makes me a lousy excuse for a human being...

...but i'm at no loss for blog fodder.

Blogger DraMa said...

And this is why I love you.

Instead of Clorox on the pits... try those Playtex fem wipes. They were GREAT in a pinch. Trust me.

Blogger metalia said...

Its the specificity that KILLS me; I'm dying from this!

Blogger metalia said...

ARG. I meant, "it's," not "its."

Ahem.

Hello, I am insane. Carry on!

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