November 21, 2005
Got it BAD
Inspired by Megarita who brought the possibility of such a disorder to my attention.

Diagnostic criteria for Blog Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder

A. Either (1) or (2):
(1) Six (or likely more, if you're honest with yourself) of the following symptoms of inattention have persisted for the duration of your time in the blogosphere, to a degree that is maladaptive and inconsistent with the developmental level of other 32 year olds not living at home or working at the post office.

Inattention
(a) often fails to give close attention to TPS reports and other minutiae required by supervisors at paying day job
(b) often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities because of thoughts of those on blogroll (including but not limited to: I bet Jurgen would just love this lip gloss; If I won the lottery, I really would buy Poppy a fountain soda dispenser, I wonder if Neil proposed to Brooke today)
(c) finds self completely unable to read even own 100 things about me post in one sitting
(d) neglects to shower on time at least once a week due to failed promise to stop after reading "just one more blog"
(e) regularly replaces common professional editing marks with LOLs, ROTFLs, and various inappropriate emoticons
(f) often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities (e.g., "Honey, we can heavy pet right after I finish this entry," and/or "The twins know how to use the deep fryer just fine on their own. Just one more minute!")

(2) Six (or more, c'mon, we're among friends) of the following symptoms have persisted for the duration of your time on Blogger, to a degree that is maladaptive and inconsistent with the level present in your other hobby activities, including, but not limited to scrapbooking, fantasy football, online poker, gardening, and masturbation.

Hyperactivity
(a) often fidgets with hands or feet in meetings, Safeway grocery line, stirrups due to being struck with perfect blog idea
(b) often talks excessively about blogging to friends/family who have no idea what a blog is
(c) often talks excessively about blogging to friends/family who know what a blog is, but who could absolutely not care less
(d) leaves meetings, religious services, movies, ER under guise of restroom use to check on blogs of self and others
(e) at least once a week publishes 1) blog entry with two or more grammatical or spelling errors, or 2) lame, phoned-in entry due to pressure to publish

Impulsivity
(f) often comments on blogs prior to finishing entire entry and/or accompanying comments
(g) bypasses reading blog entry for the day due to it grossly exceeding your 350-word-limit processing capacity
(h) interjects inappropriate blogger content into real-world situations (e.g., Spinning Girl would so call that "FABU!" "Oh my gosh, Mogul has been saying the SAME THING about her pregnancy!" "That same thing happened to Sizzle on her last date" and the ever-popular "Hey guys, Jordan so totally got laid!")
(i) lies needlessly about blogging activity so as not to appear consumed by said blogging activity (e.g., "I'm just checking on that Air Jamaica airline strike," "Phew. Looks like that storm in the Himalayas isn't going to hit us!")

B. The symptoms do not occur exclusively during the course of an evening spent with 750 ml of Chardonnay, a TiVo'd episode of Lost, and a life-sized poster of John Stamos.

Labels:



68 Comments:

Blogger Jürgen Nation said...

Oh my god. So, so true. All of them! I'm just glad I'm not the only one. Another that I experience: waking up a 1/2 hour earlier to check the blogroll and/or post an entry, and then exceeding my 1/2 hour by 15 minutes because I. CAN'T. GET. OUT OF. MY CHAIR. One more blog! Just another comment! And then I end up looking like a dog's ass at work.

Blogger JordanBaker said...

I was feeling all smug and healthy until I got to section number two.

Then I had a sinking feeling of depression.

Then I laughed because yet another person has referenced me getting lucky in a post.

Then I realized that was probably the surest sign of all that I have a terminal case of this disorder.

Blogger Megarita said...

Thanks for the shout out, toots, but I'm at bridlethis.blogspot.com. Now I have to go look at shiney things...

Great post!

Blogger Megarita said...

Hahahahaha stirrups. Hahahahaha. I'm incapable of going to the laundromat now without completely wanting something outrageous to happen. This is NOT healthy.

Blogger Oh, that girl. said...

My god, another disorder to add to my list. I wonder if "750 ml of Chardonnay, a TiVo'd episode of Lost, and a life-sized poster of John Stamos" comes in a pill form.

Blogger A Unique Alias said...

I already knew I had a problem . . .
what's the cure, Kris!?

Anonymous Jorge said...

Section 1

(a) often fails to give close attention to TPS and reports and other minutiae required by supervisors at paying day job

- See, I don't need to fill out TPS reports, so I am one up on everyone.

(b) often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities because of thoughts of those on blogroll (including but not limited to: I bet Jurgen would just love this lip gloss; If I won the lottery, I really would buy Poppy a fountain soda dispenser, I wonder if Neil proposed to Brooke today)

- That lip gloss comment is so me.

(c) finds self completely unable to read even own 100 things about me post in one sitting

- This is why I don't post them.

(d) neglects to shower on time at least once a week due to failed promise to stop after reading "just one more blog"

- This is why I don't even bother bathing.

(e) regularly replaces common professional editing marks with LOLs, ROTFLs, and various inappropriate emoticons

Ah yes. See these articles: This and this.

(f) often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities (e.g., "Honey, we can heavy pet right after I finish this entry," and/or "The twins know how to use the deep fryer just fine on their own. Just one more minute!")

- It ain't heavy petting if it doesn't involve the deep fryer.

Section 2

(a) often fidgets with hands or feet in meetings, Safeway grocery line, stirrups due to being struck with perfect blog idea

This never happens, as I don't ever have the perfect blog idea.

(b) often talks excessively about blogging to friends/family who have no idea what a blog is

Er...

(c) often talks excessively about blogging to friends/family who know what a blog is, but who could absolutely not care less

Er...(looks at wife)...

(d) leaves meetings, religious services, movies, ER under guise of restroom use to check on blogs of self and others

Ah yes. The infamous "duck-n-blog".

(e) at least once a week publishes 1) blog entry with two or more grammatical or spelling errors, or 2) lame, phoned-in entry due to pressure to publish

I'll take 1 & 2 for $500 please!

(f) often comments on blogs prior to finishing entire entry and/or accompanying comments

Ah, now here is the rub. I comment AS I read.

(g) bypasses reading blog entry for the day due to it grossly exceeding your 350-word-limit processing capacity

I usually read every 4th word.

(h) interjects inappropriate blogger content into real-world situations (e.g., Spinning Girl would so call that "FABU!" "Oh my gosh, Mogul has been saying the SAME THING about her pregnancy!" "That same thing happened to Sizzle on her last date" and the ever-popular "Hey guys, Jordan so totally got laid!")

Jordan got laid? AGAIN?!?!?!

(i) lies needlessly about blogging activity so as not to appear consumed by blogging activity (e.g., "I'm just checking on that Air Jamaica airline strike," "Phew. Looks like that storm in the Himalayas isn't going to hit us!")

I could have told you that.
Er....

The fact that I've formatted my response is pretty indicative of my blogging problem.

PS: Hey Jürgen!

Blogger Neil said...

No, haven't proposed yet. I'm still at the "Why won't you send me naked pictures of yourself?" stage of the relationship.

Blogger Danielle said...

Yes to almost all... Is there a cure?

Blogger TJ said...

Wow. I scored a perfect 100** on every symptom for B.A.D.D., so it looks like I have yet another disorder to add to the resume. Hey--does this qualify me for another drug to take on top of the one that I'm already on for just plain old A.D.D.??

[**technically I scored a 99 out of 100, as my life-sized poster is of Dave Coulier...]

Blogger Sizzle said...

i am an unhealthy blogger. that list proves it!

how can we recover?!

Blogger Jürgen Nation said...

Hi, Jorge!!! How's Canada, eh? I can see it from my orifice. I mean, office.

Blogger Wicked H said...

Is there a 12 step program in the works? Sign me up.

Oh wait, is that what the blogger meet ups are for?

Anonymous Jorge said...

Jürgen, Canada rocks.
You should be up here eating Bombay Chicken!
It's da bomb, you know.

Blogger Finn said...

Oh. My. God. This is totally me. Except for the Chardonnay and the episode of Lost. Try Sauvingon Blanc and an episode of ER (which has just added the comely John to its cast, btw).

And, quite frankly, I'm relieved that Jordan finally got laid. Now if I just could...

Blogger erin said...

now i feel like i have to face my problem....Hello, my name is erin, and i'm a blogger...you know it DOES feel good to own up to your addictions....

Blogger Shawn said...

Oh Sweet Baby Jesus! I'm dying a blog death of laughter here... For the love all things holy don't shine such a spotlight on my life!

That was pretty much it in a nutshell. Oh Lordy...I do hope there's a cure.

I don't think I've laughed so hard since Ferris and Ducky got together and switched the driver's ed videotapes at Sweet Blogger High for porn...

Blogger LBseahag said...

This nailed it!

I like how you also begin thininkg you have a hidden camera in your eye to snap photos of stuff because you just won't be able to get it down in just words...

Blogger LBseahag said...

This nailed it!

I like how you also begin thininkg you have a hidden camera in your eye to snap photos of stuff because you just won't be able to get it down in just words...

Blogger LBseahag said...

This nailed it!

I like how you also begin thininkg you have a hidden camera in your eye to snap photos of stuff because you just won't be able to get it down in just words...

Blogger The Zombie Lama said...

Hi... my name is Zombie... and I'm a blogger.

They say admitting it is the first step.

Blogger babyjewels said...

Oh Christ. Is this the entry you read right before they have some sort of intervention for you? Kind of ease you into it? Is this where is admit it takes twice as many blogs to get me half as high? I'm not going! (where's the film crew. The people at work are looking at me funny. stupid non-bloggers.)

Blogger Amber said...

If having B.A.D is bad, I don't wanna be good...

Blogger Anisa said...

GUILTY!! :)

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

Perfection. I'd leave a funnier comment but my attention span is running o

Blogger Debby said...

OMG, sooooo true - I actually got off the stretcher in the ER once, went out to the nurses' station to get pen and paper before I forgot something I wanted to blog. Something that came to me under the influence of the drugs that they had given me that made just the most sense in the world at the time of course. LMFAO!!!!

Blogger Cheryl said...

Oy. Sounds a bit like me...but just a little. hehe.

Blogger SugarHigh said...

i think this is the best interpretation I've read of this damn blogger's disease.

it only hits me when I realize that I'm not answering the phone that they pay me to at this silly thing called a day job. ;)

Blogger Heather B. said...

OH MY GOD! I am seriously ill. Damn.
Or how about if while having a bag of S&V chips, I think about how much "mama would likey" some of them..?

Blogger Poppy Cede said...

Aww, Kris, thank you! Then I could choose between Coca-Cola and Diet Coke with Splenda (aka TAB)!

Blogger Poppy Cede said...

Oh, and you'd be invited over for a fountain soda whenever you like. Just park the private jet in our back yard. :)

Blogger JJ said...

I guess that's sort of like me. I didn't really read the whole thing, just sort of skipped around looking for the high points, by which I mean exposed breasts.

Anonymous yourbeau said...

One of my favorite experiments is to see how long it takes Mama to force me off her computer when I sit down at it.

My other favorite one is trying to sneak out of the room once she gets online. Its fun to see if the disturbance in the room brings her back out of the f(bl)og.

Blogger missbhavens said...

Oh me, oh my. Do they make some sort of topical ointment for this? A creamy salve? I think I may have caught it. And actually, I think I caught it from you! It's freakin' CONTAGIOUS!

You should be quarantined. Then you could blogandblogandblog as often as you like and need without guilt, fear or lies!

(I told my first bloglie the other day to my boyfriend...it just slipped out. I said I was reading The Times when I was really posting. I feel so bad!)

Blogger Marissa said...

Omg I'm DYING! Can I just say...all of the above?!?!? What does that make me?? I guess the first step is admitting the addiction, right?!

Oh, I so qualify for B.A.D.
Where do I seek help? Is there a Bloggers Anonymous meeting I can attend?

Blogger DC Cookie said...

Just wait 'til we can blog from our blackberries. Oh dear lord...

Blogger Jackie said...

LOLOLOL!!!

Out-fucking-standing post!!

I wish I had a life-sized John Stamos. I would TOTALLY make out with "Uncle Jesse." HELLS yes.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

uber fabu, girlfriend.

Blogger Vicky said...

I'm catching the blogger bug myself.. Right now, I'm sick as the proverbial dog... I should be in bed... instead, I'm glued to my computer, reading 'just one more' blog... and another... and another.. HELP!!!

Blogger Bill said...

Let me check the TV schedule ... Oprah must be doing a show on this soon. Or else Dr. Phil.

Blogger Kristen said...

and the ever important, "You blog an event that you PROMISED you would not, just cause the story was too good to pass up, even if it means the death of a relationship."

I need therapy.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I actually have a second blog under a secret alias. How pathetic is that?

All I can say is, "Have mercy!"

Blogger Antonio Hicks said...

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
Douglas Adams- Posters.

Blogger rs6471 said...

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
Douglas Adams- Posters.

Blogger Washington Cube said...

I've got BAD...when you start to write one blog piece, switch your thoughts mid-stream and wind up writing about something totally different.

Blogger Jürgen Nation said...

Jorge,

I know Canada rocks. I want to move out of the States. :(

Blogger Mel said...

How do we get it in the DSM-IV?

Blogger Sub Girl said...

Got it BAD...now you've gotten Usher into my head, Kris! look what you've done!

Anonymous Jorge said...

Jürgen - Move up here! We can convince Mama and the Beau to move up here, too! We can have all kinds of quirky adventures.

Mama - Your Haiku is ready.

Who loves you? Papa does, that's who!

Blogger Kiki said...

We're all addicts and have some sort of blogging disorder.

Blogger Kim said...

You people are all sick. I don't have any of the symptoms. I could quit blogging at anytime.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go sit and watch my sitemeter, refreshing it every 2 seconds to see if anyone new has shown up.

Blogger Dave said...

In Jorge's case, let's not forget: 'starts own blog in comment section of other people's blogs.'

By the way, my not being around here as often is explained by two things:

1) I'm very, very self absorbed. I just kissed my bicep, in fact. This very second.

2) My Explorer at work has suddenly become very helpful, in that it saves the pages of sites I frequent. Which means that sometimes, rather than open up mamalikey on this November 22, 2005 Ano Domini, it brings up an old version it had archived. So I end up thinking you haven't updated since 1972. Stupid laptop. And stupid 1972.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Sorry, all I noticed was my name. And the Lost reference.

What were you saying?

Blogger Brookelina said...

And the Office Space reference, classic.

Blogger Jenny said...

holy. hell. hilarious. thanx for the great laugh, wino :)

Blogger la.dauphine said...

OMG - you so nailed it. Any ADD I've had has decidedly gotten 200% worse since I started blogging. So has your site become the official BAD support group??

Blogger MKD said...

Consider this added to the DSM-V. I know people. That’s all I’m saying.

Anonymous Jorge said...

mkd - What isn't in the DSM-V?

Blogger Kathryn Is So Over said...
Blogger MKD said...

Jorge - That's what they are trying to figure out now. One day we'll all have something.

Blogger The Zombie Lama said...

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!!!!!!

Blogger Barbara said...

I confess. I'm a BLOG-aholic! It's free entertainment.

Blogger just thinking said...

lol... so perfect !

Anonymous ADHD said...

Hey there ##NAME## appreciate hearing about ADHD mentioned in ##TITLE##. I'm really looking into ADHD alot and landed here! I guess I think it applies to me ,but a lot of things related seem to also. It's actually a bit confusing, but glad to hear and share. Less overwhelming maybe! Thanks,

Blogger Cheetarah1980 said...

yep, i am guilty of everything on the list. but unless i'm in therapy for the problem, i don't officially have the disorder.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

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