March 5, 2007
volumant pour des cheveux fins
I got my hair cut this weekend. Not a trim, the requisite 1/2 inch one needs to have snipped in order not to appear homeless, but instead a good, blunt cut, shorter in the back and angling downward along my jaw line. This bold move came on the heels of twirling my fingers around my ponytail last week, and having the sneaking suspecion that during the night one of the cats had replaced my hair with hay.

My regular stylist chopped and shaved and angled until there was very little left. Two to three inches of dead, brassy ends fell to the floor, at times with a surprising thunk. And upon completion, I nearly hugged her. Her denial to come live with me to provide daily styling assistance did nothing to dampen my enthusiasm.

A woman must protect her new vanity, so I purchased on her recommendation a 28-dollar conditioner in a tall, noble bottle colored different shades of royal blue. I recognize that the container could be filled with mayonnaise, for all I know, but let's not rid me of all my fun, and given the abundance of French language on its entirety, I think you might agree that likely it is not. I placed the bottle in a special location in the shower, one free of soap scum and the unnecessary crowding of lesser hair and body products, and one in which I could see it in its expensive glory as I passed in and out of the bathroom.

The next shower began well, me full of anticipation and a full bottle of gorgeousness serum. My stylist said I should wash my hair first, so the conditioner could work its imported and very scientific magic while I took care of my common cleansing duties. I did just as she instructed. I held the leggy bottle to eye level and twisted it's lengthy nozzle. It rotated once. Then twice. Then multiple times, all to no avail. The stubborn, beautiful bottle just would not open.

It must be me, I thought. The expensive conditioner bottle was undoubtedly the work of fine craftsmen, and any flaws were clearly in my incapable hands.

I rotated the nozzle the other way. Ten, twelve times. I pulled it upward. I pushed it downward. I pushed it downward and turned, 30 degrees, 45, 180! Nothing. Not even a slight budge. Undeterred, I searched for instructions. None.

I have a master's degree. I can set my VCR clock without needing a Xanax. And like the smile, is it not univeral that lefty is loosey, for Christ's sake?

I summised that a new altitude might do the trick. I hoisted my left foot up onto the tub spigot, and began my now intensified ritual of rotating the nozzle while pushing it, pulling it, and staring it down in its one, mean eye. I was not backing down. After all that money, I sure wasn't going to admit failure and unscrew the whole apparatus either. It was going to work, come hell or high water.

But what came was cold water. In my frenzy I had wasted several minutes of the precious commodity that is winter shower warmth, and now I was being bathed in tepid drops, at best. Defeated, I abandoned the exhaustive effort, favoring instead to save my other 1,999 parts by cleaning them as efficiently as I could. I managed to shave one leg. I can't speak for the condition of the other.

Before leaving the shower and my dignity, I tried one last time. Defeated, I tapped the nozzle, the one last punch of a boxer fighting beyond her class.

And the damn thing popped open.

I simply cannot wait to use it tomorrow.



Anonymous mrs. jorge said...

Did this happen to you today? Cuz Mondays always kick me in the ass and I was wondering if it was just me... But I can't wait to see a photo of the new 'do! I'm sure it's fantastic since you always look gorgeous. Have a happy week!


I find that hair products are generally hard to open. The more expensive a thing is, the less likely it is to open easily as well. Or have the cap go back on.

New hair cuts are always fun. I alway post pictures to make sure I get plenty of compliments cause otherwise what's the point? :]

Blogger Sheliorama said...

The last ginormous bottle of shampoo I got snookered into by my stylist fell off the shelf in the shower and nearly broke my toe. It wasn't very good shampoo either. Hmph.

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

I first misread that as "you placed the bottle... where you could see it as you passed out in the bathroom." Also a good planning idea.

Yay for new hair! That's always exciting. Can't wait to see your new look.

Anonymous zandria said...

Damn those fancy conditioner bottles. :)

I want to see the fabulous new haircut!

Anonymous Jorge said...

I find that declaring "Man, I really don't want this container to open" usually does the trick.
Especially when the container is tomato-based and I'm wearing white clothing.



Blogger Ripe for Reading said...

Yes, please post a photo as I was just commenting to my husband that the cut you say you got looked so nice on the girl who had a similar 'do at the Starbucks we went to yesterday.

Blogger Marisa said...

I think you have to swear at products in the language of their country of origin. This is why its important to learn swears in as many languages as possible. I bet you muttered an unexpected "sacrebleu" without realizing it, thus causing the magical force field to be disarmed.

Blogger Serena said...

My new life goal should be to have a standing weekly hair appointment so that someone else can be in charge of my hair.

Blogger DraMa said...

It's like looking in a mirror... not only would this happen to me, and probably has, but I would write it out with the same dramatic flare you have. I love it... only your description is 100 times better than what I could have come up with.

All I have to say is that conditioner better damn well be worth it. Also, I have found that while I believed it to be a universal thing that lefty is loosey and righty is tighty, alas, it is not. The world fucks with us.

Blogger Heather said...

So, do you have pictures? Or does one have to break into your apartment when she gets home from work to check it out?

Blogger HKW said...

Funny story!

I thought lefty loosey was universal, but only on this side of the equator. In Australia, it's righty loosey. Righty?

Blogger Wicked H said...

First, how dare you tease and not submit photographical proof of the new coif????

Second, I suggest never closing the cap again. I am not sure how many times the IT department is willing to replace my keyboard due to snortage.

They thank you in advance.

Blogger Paperback Writer said...

And what does your hair look like now?

Blogger Pink Lemonade Diva said...

I would simply LOVE to pull off the angular bob. Good for you. Also, I'm totally a sucker for the expensive products.

Blogger Jessica said...

Pics of the new do? Please!!!!

Anonymous kb said...

pictures, BEEEYOTCH! oh, wait, I'll see you this weekend :) so excited!

Anonymous gorillabuns said...

in order to bypass such complications, just don't wash your hair on mondays.

not that i subscribe to this method...just a suggestion.

Blogger supergirlest said...

hair's to sassy bottles of hair product - cheers! - viva la newhairalution! do post pics soon!

i have to admit, though - i'm totally bummed that lefty loosey left you hanging. *sigh* another universal truth bites the proverbial dust. tricksey hobbitses.

Blogger Kelly said...

Oh thankgod! As long as someone mentions their difficulty with opening containers like this, I will nay feel alone.

It just sucks that it's always the expe4nsive stuff... Like the expensive lotion with a pump? The pump doesn't work! grrr.

Anonymous Married Jen said...

I hope you got it open today!

Quick question: the link on your sidebar... do you update that or is it a service from their website? I want it!!!


Blogger kris said...

Hi Jen . . . I think you might be the only one who's noticed it! It's a service from their site -- they will give you the code for any area/shelter you pick. Mine is for a no-kill cat shelter where I adopted Cricket. :)

Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

Um, been there. Way too many times before. Like, enough to make me wonder how I got this far in life.

Blogger Julie said...

Stuff like that happens to me all the time. Like the stupid pump tops on everything soap based are impossible for me to open.

So I just wind up pulling as hard as I can on the top until it pops off and breaks and then every time I pump some soap in my hands I have to put the nozzle back on the the top because it comes off in my hands.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seeing as how there is nothing in the world worse than a cold shower in winter, one can hardly fault you for abandoning your shaving duties. Lesson learned, next time do a dry run with your odd bottles before you commit.

Blogger Maliavale said...

So when do we get to see a picture of the haircut?

Blogger kris said...

I so wish I could be like you cool cat photographers -- I tried to take my own pic. It did not. go well. I got more of my black bra strap in the picture than my new cut. Murr.

Blogger Princess Pointful said...

I love that I'm not the only one who, upon my far too rare venture to a hair dresser, actually buys hair products that cost more than the full supply of the generic products I use for the other 3/4 of the year.

I also have to use my teeth to open up my shower gel.

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