May 19, 2006
All I Ever Wanted
I'm pretty sure that half of the crap I experience is arranged by God and Oprah just so I can blog about it.

I knew the trip was going to be stellar when a) my DC pilot let out a ginormous yawn while boarding the 70-ton fuel-laden tin can he would command for the next two hours, and b) a wife could not convince her incredulous husband that you could not use your cell phone on dat der plane. Awesome.

I left for the airport at 4:30 IN THE AM MORNING and at that very moment texted that fact to as many people as I could (you will suffer with me!) I was not entirely excited until I reached the gate at Coca-Cola/Hades International Airport (known in kinder, gentler circles as Atlanta-Hartsfield), and after being told I could not in fact purchase an alcoholic beverage at 7:40 am (commies) to help me through another child screaming "We're going down!" on takeoff, I saw this:

Ah, delicious Delta neon. (Let the record show that I'm pretty sure the blurry text is some Jedi mind trick about voting for Taylor Hicks.)

I met my sister (aka Sugar Mama) in the double wide (aka the Bahamas International Airport) and found her surprisingly lucid for a woman I suspected had been doped up for the prior 24-36 hours (her flying phobia rivals my completely rational fear of being forced to play softball).

After what seemed a four-hour and four-quart-of-sweat taxi ride from the double wide, we reached what can only be described as the compound:

Yeah, that's right. That's the Vader March you have playing in your head right now.

This place is nothing short of a monstrosity – had joints like this existed in the 50s folks across middle America would not have felt the need to build their own damn Dharma shelters. Picture a Vegas/Dutch Wonderland hybrid on the beach, where you can win big money, eat and imbibe until you pass out or begin dancing in the street, and MAKE OUT in the ocean/at the quarter slots/by the Predator Lagoon WELL PAST THE AGE AT WHICH IT’S PRETTY.

Debauchery and excess were in full effect.

There were hordes of drunk 17-year-olds on the prowl, which of course made me caution my sister repeatedly not to get into any cars with the Dutch ones. It is apparently also a good time for some women to flash their bare breasts to the caged 100-pound grouper as it stares longingly from behind the viewing tunnel glass. I wanted to make out with her boyfriend for the disgusted look he shot her while she cackled and hoisted her mammories back into place. Ugh.

And so it was for us. Well, a little bit of decadence, at least.

I fulfilled my role as pasty rebel with a tanning cause by wearing only a slight coating of SPF 4. Give a girl a bathing suit that finally fits her curves, let her lose a few pounds, and supply her a pink-cased Nano, and before you know it she's shaking it in her beach chair to more bad pop than should be allowed through customs.

Let her in the water, and she will attempt to demonstrate some of her newly-acquired aquatic prowess. That is until the beach guard whistles and frantically flags her down, to which she points at her chests and mouths a baffled and cliched "me?!?" while looking around to find that SHE IS THE ONLY HUMAN IN THE WATER.

(Insert crickets from the beach.)

And of course! Why then wouldn't said beach guard make a motion to illustrate "THIS big, asshat," which my Fodors failed to list as the literal translation of "Large barracuda stalking Jersey girl with ample back"?

I drank and I conched and I consumed a record 4,609 Weight Watchers points via mainlining fried foods and anything they would agree to cover in cheese. I walked out on an incredibly bad comedy club because life is too short, not to mention the fact that the margaritas and french fries at the neighboring bar were TOO DAMN GOOD. Did I mention the margaritas?

Tipsy thoughts included, but were not nearly limited to:

I wonder if anyone has ever been impaled on these during a hurricane?

Do the dolphins eat them whole, or chew them slowly?
Good times.

I thought of all of you often.

(Shine not included.)

And although the trip was absolutely amazing, one belligerent cab driver, a COCKPIT ALARM screaming FIRE, RIGHT ENGINE!!!, and yet another layover at Diet Coke/Hades International later, it's good to be home.


Blogger I-66 said...

woah... those cats have the "where the crap have YOU been?" look all over them.

Welcome back :)

Blogger Lefty said...

Welcome back! Good luck getting over your Post Bahama Shock Syndrome.

A few years ago after a trip to the Caymans I remember that it two solid days for the realization to sink in that not only would no one bring me a drink when I raised a little flag but that THERE WAS NO FLAG.

I still miss that bartender.

Anonymous Anne Glamore said...

I'm envious. I NEED to go to the COMPOUND.

Blogger Thérèse said...

Ooooooh it sounds like you had a ridiculously good time.

But hey, don't knock the 17-year-olds on the prowl til you've tried 'em.


And is that a picture of you? My dear Kris you are very pretty. :)

Blogger Finn said...

Ah, the double wide. I had such fun being scanned and patted down (just with the back of my hands) there. Good times.

Too bad Chalk's went out of business after crashing in the ocean. Landing in the water mere steps from The Compound was wonderful.

Sounds like you had a good time. I was worried that you would end up floating endlessly around on the Lazy River, having beautiful native boys bringing you sustentence as you floated by.

Blogger Amber said...

That...looks...AWESOME! I love compoundy resorts like that for some reason. And look how cute you are! With delicious white wine included!

Blogger Reid said...

I hate hotels like that. They make me want more money so that I can live in them.

The picture of your cats cracked me up...

Blogger Guinness_Girl said...

Yup, you're adorable.

Welcome home! The kitties look awesome. I know those expressions quite well.

Blogger missbhavens said...

Omigod! Is that you, not stuff??

...or is that a fake-out? It's a picture of you sister, isn't it.

Are you that sneaky?

Is that you?

Come on! Fess up!

I'm so glad you had a terrific time and you didn't get eaten by a barracuda.

Blogger missbhavens said...

not stuff?

Yeah, okay, I haven't had any coffee yet.

That was supposed to be HOT stuff!

Blogger Miss Scarlet said...

Wow...that place looks amazing! Glad it was a good time. I could use one of those margaritas right now (what, 11am is too early, too?)

Blogger Dave said...

Indeed, that is some phat cash you scored at the casino.

Nicely assembled travelogue. And way to not get totally freakin sunburned. For both reasons, you are my hero.

Anonymous Jorge said...

Welcome home, mama.

Thanks for the text message. I felt your pain. Just a few hours later.


I've managed to not start any wars while you are gone.

You were sorely missed!


Blogger Egan said...

Oh, this post had me laughing quite a bit. I love your trip recap. The best part to me is the dude trying to use his cell phone on the plane. Great work. Are you peeling yet?

Blogger t2ed said...

Seriously, are you connected to mob money somehow?

Because Wife and I priced the Atlantis and we'd be able to afford it for one day tops.

Blogger Heather B. said...

Text messaging at 5:22 AM is so NOT cool. Glad you're back!

Blogger 'Mazing Amy said...

ok I officially need another Caribbean vacation since the ex sucked all the life out of our trip to Anguilla and St. Martin in November. heh.

:) Glad you had a good time!

You've got to think it's a slow gnawing. Dolphins are smart - they know the potential difficulties of swalling a child whole.

(because no one seemed interested in tackling the tougher issues raised by this post)

Blogger liberalbanana said...

Glad you had fun and made it back in one piece! Love that you won 10 cents - I know the feeling. When we were in Aruba in Jan., Boyfriend handed me a dollar in the hotel casino and as soon as I doubled it we left so we could use it to tip our room cleaning staff for that day. Ha! You look great though - and the wine looks yummy! (I'm going to the wine and jazz festival at Mt. Vernon tonight. We need to get a drink together soon!)

Blogger DC Cookie said...

Ah...a glass of wine as big as a human head. I'm on the next plane out...

Blogger JMai said...

Your blog is hilarious... thanks for that! Such a great writing style and sense of humour!

Airports should offer alcoholic beverages at all times and be entirely exempt from those state liquor laws. Aren't int'l airports technically not US soil anyway? Or did I miss the entire point of The Terminal?

Blogger Scribe LA said...

Glad to know that the term vacation still has meaning. We want more pics of the adventure :-)

Borderline Inappropriate

Scribe LA

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

I'm so glad that you're back! It sounds like you had the perfect kind of vacation.

Blogger twobuyfour said...

Welcome back! It looks like a grown up Disneyland. Alcohol and deep fried foods and young boys. I know where I'm going next chance I get!

Anonymous Mrs. Jorge said...

I MISSED you! Welcome back Mama! I hope it was everything you needed, and more.


Anonymous nabbalicious said...

Welcome back! That sounds like a hell of a vacation!

Anonymous Maliavale said...

Welcome back! Color me hella jealous.

Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

I laughed so hard I cried - great post. Seriously, after the highlights of your departing flight, you deserved the beachy decadence.

Is that you I'm incredibly excited to see your picture. You're so pretty!

Anonymous sandra said...

I was once on a plane where, following some "turbulence" (which felt a lot like the pilot doing something weird), they bought the plane a round. I sighed, and decided they were the best airline ever.

In any case, jealous of your trip!

Blogger kimmay said...

your thumb nails look great kris.


Blogger jackt said...

Hahaha funny how you texted everyone at 4:30am hahaha. I do that all the time when I'm up early (i actually call, and my friends know i'm doing it on purpose so they laugh hystericaly). i thought i was the only one who did it!

Blogger Brookelina said...

I've missed you!!!

Blogger KlevaBich said...

Color me pea-green with envy. It all looks sooooo luscious. And is that really you? C'mon, tell us!

Blogger Megarita said...

SHe's back! Excellent trip for you -- well done. Love the tumbler of chard, too.

OK Kris, I''m gonna try ONE more time.

be mine.


P.S. OMG that wine glass is as big as your head! you have a tiny head like that guy in Beetlejuice? Who cares, I still luv ya. I always 'ave.

Blogger Cheetarah1980 said...

The trip sounds like one hella good time. Welcome back.

Blogger Bridget Jones said...


No alcohol on the plane?? What airline was that? Nazi flyways??? With screaming kids???

I really need to know, so I can make sure NEVER EVER to take them.

But so glad you had a great time, made up for the dry flight and didn't get baracuda'd.

Welcome home!!!! Missed ya bunches!!!

YAY Yippee!!!!!

(A very excited) Bridg

Blogger Cheryl said...

Welcome home. Sounds like an excellent trip!

Blogger hanmee said...

I've been wanting to go to that place for awhile b/c I saw it on travel channel. But they highlighted more of the family-friendly points.

Don't worry - I am a lot paler than you. I seem to receive the same response from anyone who has seen my legs (usually something to the effect of "you're blinding me with those").

Blogger Chantel said...

jealous, very jealous.
Welcome home.

Blogger Lena said...

You woke those cats up - be honest. They're sleepy-blinky.

Sounds like a rockin trip - love the tan.

And they don't chew them slowly; they nibble.;)

Blogger Kim said...

HaWt mama. Missed you. Never leave me again.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Seriously, I think I love you.

Blogger Jay said...

I came here via Dave, who keeps insisting that you're cool.
I guess he's right, though I hate to cede the point.

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