March 15, 2007
Reason #1,007 I'm still single (and yes, I'm aware there are others, but I'm too damn tired to recall them all, thank you.)*
It was a nice morning in Washington yesterday, giving me that little extra spring in my step that just might get me cast in a Menthos commercial. So I cranked up the tunes in the '96 Sentra - Black Beauty to those who know her well (oh riiiiight, reason number 1,008!) - and I got to singing. Singing out loud, sisters! Belting it out whether pulled up next to a bread truck or a bus full of DC prisoners.

There's a part of my morning journey at which, for absolutely no visible reason, the stopped-dead traffic at once opens up, and we're set free like those poor doves released during the Jacko verdict. And beautifully, I reached that very moment just as that really funky a capella part of Black Water began. And I let loose, friends. Like the true choir geek that I still am, I hit the gas and pumped up my volume in turn.

By the hand, hand
Take me by the hand, pretty mama


Aw, yeah, get it girl! I heard from no one, but really, really wanted to.

As the Doobies kept going, there may have been hand motions; I'm not gonna lie. And again!

By the hand, hand

And that's as far as I got. Because my ridiculous fervor had caused me, while checking myself out in my rearview, to choke on my own spit. And not only to choke on my spit and acknowledge defeat, but to choke on my own spit and continue moving my lips, not wanting the man in the neighboring lane to know that I had, indeed, choked on my own spit.

My genius continued, because now not only was I still moving my lips, but also resisting any normal urge to cough, thus producing a quantity of tears generally reserved for Terms of Endearment and Meredith Grey. The horror only ended when I untintentionally smacked on both the rear defrost and the hazards and right-laned it at 35 until I regained my composure. There will be no singing for a few days.

*(I'm pretty sure reasons 1,009 and 10 are in here somewhere. Maybe even a few more.)

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31 Comments:

Blogger JoJo said...

Take heart, I just spewed coffee reading your blog. But, I still (for the moment) have a boyfriend. There are guys out there that go for girls that spew liquids and choke on their own spit!

Blogger DraMa said...

Rest assured, there is a man out there that will love you anyway. Trust me. I'm a nerd, a dork and a geek, all in one. Someone still married me.

This is hilarious and sadly, I admit I would have done the same thing... cuz when I have idiot moments, I really do it right and go all out.

Blogger kris said...

Yay for commiserating about our dorkiness! And yay for men who luuuurve it.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Uh, I do the exact same thing! I love my inner choir geek...I've been thinking about finding an adult choir for her now that I've quit smoking and can really belt out Hall and Oats without coughing up a lung.

Blogger Marisa said...

great - now that song is running through my head.

Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

Listen, some man out there will find that behavior utterly adorable. He might wear a helmet and ride the short bus but trust me when I say there's a lid for every pot.

And so you don't feel alone, there's a good chance the guy who will adore me is sitting right next to the one who adores you. The only difference is my guy has a sticker reading "My Mommy Loves Me" taped to the back of his helmet.

I choked on my spit reading this. So funny!

Blogger Keith said...

I wouldn't call it stuff that is wrong with you...more like things that are endearing about you.

Keep singing in the car, and just remember, breathing is key.

Anonymous Jorge said...

Spit choking, (or Spchoking as we say in Canada) is hot. It's actually one of our mating rituals.

The quiet tundras of the north are always echoing the sounds of spchoking in the month of April.

Anonymous gorillabuns said...

i choke on my spit when talking at least twice a week but i don't, i repeat, don't have an excessive slobber problem (at least one that i'll admit to.) i dated a guy that did indeed have the slobber problem. i couldn't bring myself to marry him and reproduce more excessive slobberers.

Blogger Aimée said...

this made me choke on my hot peppers while trying to dance in my desk chair to old black water, keep on rollin' ... hilar! note to self: do not read Kris' blog while eating for fear of death by choking.

Blogger Maethane Boy said...

I am not sure why I am compelled by these recent entries for the one upsmanship... I hope this will make you feel better about yourself in knowing that I had to give myself the Heimlich maneuver at a business lunch once(?)

Blogger Maethane Boy said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

Blogger t2ed said...

The only precription for spit choking is to dance with your daddy all night long.

Blogger KB said...

i feel like that's a reason that everyone should love you ;)

<3

Blogger kris said...

I love that I make so many of you spit!

And thanks, everyone, for your kind words of "you're kinda normal" and "you're kinda normal, in Canada."

t2ed, back to your corner.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I wish we were gay, we'd be so perfect together.

Hahaha, I've done that so many times.

Blogger Melissavina said...

I got laughed at for singing in the car last night. My man friend was driving and I was enjoying Love Songs On the Coast belting out "Let's Stay Together." and he just laughed. Not like you're-so-cute-I-have-to-laugh, but more like wow-I-had-no-idea-it-ran-so-deep sort of laugh. It could also have something to do with the fact that I constantly smashed my nose up with my finger when we talked during dinner as an exercise in his listening skills amidst distraction. He didn't do well.

I think he's deciding if he can handle me or not, but I'm pretty sure he can.

Blogger Jo said...

Singing in the car is one of the privileges of life. When I didn't have a car I missed it. I realize that people often stare and giggle, but at least I provided them amusement for that split second.

My boyfriend air drums and air guitars in his car and at home. He does just as many embarrassingly stupid things as I do. Everyone does, they just hide it better. The right guy will love your stupid moments and like the rest of the comments said, find them endearing.

Anonymous Gooseberried said...

Wow, I'm impressed!

Blogger Cheryl said...

I'm pretty sure I have at least 1010 reasons myself, if not more.

Blogger Marissa said...

i love that the label of this post is 'stuff that's wrong with me'. that's just classic, kris! hilarious. and for the record, meredith grey makes me cry tears every week!!!

Anonymous girl and dog said...

I'm sure you turned the most becoming shade of red while you wheezed and hacked your way back to normalcy. (Uh, reason 1,011?)

Blogger Maya said...

No, no, NO! You've got it all backwards, Kris! You see, things like this (admitting you were doing HAND MOTIONS) are precisely what make you a catch.

Also: I came thisclose to spitting champers all over both my keyboard and one of my cats. I thank you, I thank you, but I think you should really move 'endearing car jazz hands' and 'accidental choking while enthusiastically singing in the car' to the 10,885 Reasons you'd make a great girlfriend/wife/whatever.

Anonymous Tom said...

ah, the "spontaneous spit choke" maneuver... one of my best. it always happens when you've got people around who will instantly judge your random coughing as strange and unusual. always a hit at parties...

Anonymous Chase said...

Haha! Awesome! My favorite time to people-watch is while in traffic. People are SO comfortable with themselves in their cars.

I wish I would have seen what a fake-singing-but-really-choking-and-not-breathing person looks like.

Hilarious!

Blogger Woodrow said...

You never fail to make me chuckle.

Blogger Pink Is Neat said...

I always just try to make it look like i'm talking into my bluetooth.

I don't have bluetooth, but I've got long hair that i leave over my ears, just in case.

Although I'm sure they think it's weird that I would be mouthing the words "Sexyback... yeah" over and over again. hm.

Blogger CarmenSinCity said...

There is really NOTHING better than cruising down the road, breeze blowing through the hair, singing along with the Doobie Brothers and choking on spit. hehe

Blogger Evil Spock said...

Evil Spock has been guilty to rockin' out in the car and becoming oblivious to Evil Spock's surroundings. Almost ran a red light the other day because of some New Pornographers . . .

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