January 31, 2006
A Test of the Emergency Broadcast System
I know this is supposed to be all about AC/DC and hating toddlers and drinking Chardonnay and all that good stuff, and I’m sure it will come back, but today I just can’t do it.

I am facing right now the potential disintegration of my two-year relationship. Not just any relationship, but the one you just know is the One. The relationship that when it ends you want to kick someone in the gut for even thinking to offer the hollow “I’m sure you’ll meet someone soon.” That almost makes you drop to your knees in the toilet paper aisle at Target when on the phone he mentions going solo to a family wedding the two of you had been talking about for months. The man who if you were ever tied down and forced to procreate, you’d pick to watch you be thrown up on and someday grill your daughter’s dates when they arrive with tacky boutonnieres. Your puzzle pieces fit, so perfectly, that you often wonder how you ended up in separate boxes, in separate stores, in separate states to begin with.

But the equation of love and honesty and devotion and respect and laughter and commitment and a love of BEAUTY AND PEOPLE AND TRAVEL, GODDAMIT! doesn’t add up and you JUST CAN’T SEEM TO GET ALONG ANYMORE.

Minutiae become mountains and suddenly open cabinet doors are the precursor to a heated conversation. You fall into a routine. The amazing little things – like looks across the table that let you know you’re on the same page and missing each other on the road entirely because each of you is surprising the other with ice cream – are missing.

Can you ever get that back?

If these kinds of relationships don’t work out, then why ever invest in ANYONE? Why open yourself up and share your world with anyone other than two cats who keep you up all damn night by inserting their nails in your nostrils, just to remind you that you are on the very verge of Dr. Philisms and Match.com? Ugh. At least that hurts a lot less than this does.

I’m not sure what to say beyond that. I’m pretty sure my comments will dry up and crickets will abound, but this just is what it is.

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66 Comments:

Blogger Amber said...

I don't know what to say other than the trite "I hope it works out." I think if your relationship is as strong as you think it is (and I believe it is -- because I'm an expert like that) then things WILL work out. Every relationship goes through exceedingly difficult phases where you think there's no possible way you'll overcome the hurdles of the moment. And yet, somehow, the hurdles are overcome and things return to the way you want them.

Your comments will not dry up -- we love you!!

Anonymous Jorge said...

You will undoubtedly receive an insane amount of comments on this matter.
Amidst the Hang in theres and Time heals all wounds, sweeties I will offer this advice.
Dave will attest to our each having our bouts of believing that things would never for us.
Sometimes relationships can grow stagnant. Sometimes you find yourselves fighting for no good reason. Why is this? Sadly, I don't know.
Every interaction we have is pivotal. Each person we meet affects the course of our life. The unfortunate part is that we only find out after the fact what exactly it was that they did for us (sometimes to us).
This is the great irony of relationships.
You need to make sure you make the most of what you have when you have it. If you don't, you run the risk of losing something.
I'm not encouraging overanalysis by any means, but if you always look at your relationship the same way, you run the risk of taking it for granted.
I'm probably not making much sense (what else is new?).
Now, onto the odd analogy:
Relationships are like cars.
They are all shiny and new when you look at them at first. You're primally attracted to the curves, the speed, the new car smell. But without regular maintenance and fuel, they become a hindrance.
Check your oil, hon.
Maybe there is something under the hood that you missed.
That might get you back on the right road again, whatever road that may be.

Anonymous Jorge said...

By the way, the whole point of the reference to Dave was supposed to show you that two regular guys like us ended up in great relationships even though there were times we thought things weren't quite working right.
Of course, I got caught up in the next point.

I suck at this.

Bah

Blogger wallofdenial said...

Long term relationships requie a commitment from both parties and are NEVER easy. It appears one of you are not commited to this relationship

blah blah blah

Good luck with this

Blogger afromabq said...

Kris, don't give up. It's not better or easier out there. If he truly is your piece of the puzzle and you can see having kids w/him, he's worth it. The little shit is just that....little shit. I've had enough time the past 9 1/2 years of being single to review a 15 year marriage and I can't even remember why we ever fought. It was stupid shit. Getting along comes with respecting each other. If you respect each other and each others point of view then agree to disagree. I hope it works out, 'cause the gut feeling is the worst.

Blogger Thérèse said...

Sigh. You're not alone in wondering, Kris. It sucks that you are going through something shitty.

Tell you why we do it though. Why we go through the fights and don't give up easily and work on things til the bitter end. We remember the beginning and how it was. And hope springs eternal.

Stupid hope.

Blogger JJ said...

It sounds like there's something unspoken driving you apart. It's obviously not a cabinet door being left open. The one thing that has worked for us time and again is to just say it straight out, whatever we think it is, and get talking until the real thing is outed.

Blogger Anisa said...

yes...from experience, i say you can work it out. we all go through shitty phases where we fight with our significant other over nothing. hang in there...view it as a test.

if he's the one, fight for it!!!

Blogger Genevieve said...

oh, I'm so sorry. I hope it works out the way you want it to, and I'm sorry I don't have anything better to say to help!

Blogger Kristen said...

I am so depressed.

Then the she-woman in me kicks in and says, "You are a fantastic person with so much to offer and if he can't see it or doesn't want to worship at your feet, then good riddance."

Wow, if only it were that easy. I am so sorry Kris. Death of the relationship is one of the worst, worst, worst feelings ever.

Anonymous whoorl said...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Kris. If he's the one, you all will work it out. If he's not, you will pick up, move on, and be happier in the long run.

I hate "in the long run"...what the hell does that mean, anyway?

Blogger Laurie said...

I guess offering premature condolences only serves to make the situation that much more painful. So I'll mimick the words of so many wise commentors before me and say that if it's The One, it will work out.

Maybe it's just a bump in the road that all couples slam into from time to time. But I know what you're going through, all too well.

And, by the way, you go ahead and write about whatever you want to write about...We'll keep coming back and commenting and enjoying your words, even if you, and your topics, are sad.

Because, damn, sometimes a girl just needs to be sad and write about her man. That's just the way it is.

Blogger Maliavale said...

Oh, girl. I wish I knew what to say. On the lightest topic, you shouldn't feel like you only have to write about certain things. It's your site, do with it what you will. And you needed to get that off your chest.

On the larger issue, I've got my fingers crossed for y'all. He sounds like It, and I hope it comes back together.

Blogger Kris said...

Thanks for all your kind and supportive comments. I was just starting to feel better and We Built This City done gone and came on my work radio. That’s enough to make your head explode. Effers.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You both have to want it to work and you both have to work to want it.

Min Pin Momma

Blogger Sizzle said...

for a girl who loves to be a buttinsky, i feel very tongue-tied. i wish you clarity. take lots of deep breaths. they help keep you from falling off the deep end. and write whatever you damn well feel because we want to hear it.

xoxo
sizz

Blogger angelatee said...

Kris,
It reminds me of being a afraid, no terrified, of jumping off the high dive as a kid. Closing your eyes and taking the plunge is always better than freezing and walking back down the stairs past everyone who you know is brave enough to do what you just chickened out of.

Good luck and don't write off love!

Blogger LBseahag said...

Bug and Cricket need a hug...

I'm sorry about this, I know I have been in this situation...and it sucks...

keep your chin up, lil nipper!

Blogger A Unique Alias said...

Get Counseling. It might sound stupid but I grew up with my parents fighting all the time over trivial bullshit and it just tore my brother and I apart.

They started going to relationship counseling and within a year they had fully implemented a relationship toolkit that not only circumvented the niggling bullshit but resulted in me watching my father come home from work every day and just hug my mom for about fifteen minutes in the kitchen; how it used to be.

It's about 15 years later and they're still like that, but damn it was shakey at the time.

All the best.

Blogger babyjewels said...

Kris, no one has broken up with anyone yet - don't get the mindset that this is the end. This is a bump in the road that you need to figure out a way to get past. I was on another blog where someone's been having major relationship problems. He started treating her like the person he'd like her to be and hopefully she'll rise to the occassion. It sounds like both of you have your hackles up. Sometimes it's hard to remember to give each other the same curtesy we give to our co-workers and friends and neighbors. Sounds like there is an awful lot in this relationship worth fighting for.

Blogger Candace said...

I'm sorry things are sucky right now. All I can do is offer my best wishes and crossed fingers for the best possible outcome.

But as someone who's been there, long-distance relationships SUCK and they're hard and you both have to really want the relationship to work for it to...well...work.

Hang in there.

Blogger SugarHigh said...

comments never run dry in your neck of the woods. I have no doubt that you will come out on top of all this. It is so hard to not go bonkers when ant hills turn to mole hills and dung heaps. Amazing how that phrase "it's the little things that count" flies out the window when the little things are the things pissing you off. My dear hubby and I often have scream matches about stupid shit. It is all well and good, so long as you can come back to one, that safe place and person you fell in love with. The more you love the more they drive you crazy. Funny little thing.
Anyway, enough of the babble, I hope that this works out and that you two realize where you truly belong. Hugs and smoochies and a case of your favorite wine. ;)

Blogger Wino McHackenpuke said...

Imagine my surprise when I stumbled across THIS site!

Always good to meet another wino. Okay, you're not yet a wino, but I have faith in you.

Blogger Lushy said...

It can come back, I promise. One of you just has to be brave enough to recognize and tactfully admit to the other that it has disappeared.

Blogger Pizzle said...

Yikes. I can't offer much, other than the fact that I'm a believer in the above advice, too. Not all good things come to an end, but since them seem to, I'm definitely a cynic when it comes to relationships and why anyone would get into one in the first place...

Truly wish you the best of luck...

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

I like Babyjewels' comment. Don't give up hope yet. Have you been talking with the beau about it? If you haven't, you totally should-- then you both would know how you feel, and could figure out what you both need to do to get over this hurdle and back on the same page (to use too many metaphors). You are great, and it sounds like the beau is great, too. I really hope that you become great together again soon.

(And forget Jefferson Airplane/Starship-- play some Heart! No, seriously. Rockin' might help a teeny bit.)

Blogger yournamehere said...

The only thing I'm going to say is: You do realize how amazing you are, right? God, I hope so.

Blogger Finn said...

If you truly believe he's The One, don't give up without a fight. Talk about it; communication is the lifeline of any good relationship.

Write him a love letter and tell him you're scared and tell him why you think he's your missing piece. He may have forgotten how you feel.

Hugs and good thoughts to both of you.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I could try and pull some advice from my relationship recycling bin, but you are a very wise woman and I don't think advice is what you require. Just know that your far away internet friends are thinking about you...and cats doing god only knows what. (Sorry, I couldn't help myself.)

Blogger bandick said...

Krisser,
Now I understand your recent comment on my site. That's all you can do...focus on yourself. Sounds selfish but the steps you take to care for yourself can only transfer into your relationships.

You don't need another person telling you how great you are. But who cares? YOU ARE WONDERFUL. You're the biggest cyber-supporter I've ever had that I've never met. And, although I've been dealing with my own stuff lately and have been online sporadically, I'm always here for whatever support you can take from me.

Blogger Poppy Cede said...

I'm sorry, Kris. If it's meant to be you'll be able to repair it. If not, at least you get another first kiss sometime in the future.

I wish I could offer you advice. Considering I'm perpetually single, I'm not really one to give relationship advice (according to my brother). But anyway, if you truly feel like he's the piece on your puzzle that makes the whole thing whole I'd give it some more time and talk to him about how you feel. Maybe do something spontaneous together or plan a getaway to rekindle whatever it is your lacking. He could be feeling the same way. But what do I know, I'm the single chick.

Blogger Egan said...

Man, I have not much to say. I so want to be a smart ass, but I think this post isn't meant for that. Take care of yourself Kris. There are some damn fine male bloggers out there.

Blogger rebecca_knox said...

raspberries and nutella. do it.

Blogger Debby said...

All I can say is this hon: Relationships take hard work, commitment, honesty and communication. If this is the one for you, then get in there and use all of these. Don't let him walk away and the whole thing fall apart until you know you have given it everything you have to give.

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

Everybody has crappy times. Sometimes it's final, sometimes it just feels like it. Given all that in common I can't believe that the two of you would give up permanently so fast. SO I won't believe it. Maybe it's a bump in the road. I hope so.

Am no expert, but ...have had the real thing. Don't believe in crickets, waiting for them to say something. End the silence, if you're up to it. Momentary pain beats being up in the air. (((((((hugs))))))), Bridg

Blogger NARDAC said...

ACK! Shit.

But, don't get hung up on the 'ONE,' even if you feel the love deeply. Just don't. It's unhealthy.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why invest in a relationship? Oh, you're about to be sorry for asking....

As one who is inevitably destined for a lifetime of solitude and misery (with perhaps the exception of a handful of cats that will lick my lifeless body, desperate for some more Iams after I drop dead, face first into my soggy bowl of Rice Krispies....), I offer you this:

I used to have a relationship like the one you've described. Really I think I did anyway. Now, I'm hardened and cynical and I see suffering in the name of "love" everywhere. It's horrible.

I find myself convinced that happy couples are simply kidding themselves. They are destined to fail each other. It's an unavoidable truth. In the blink of an eye they will realize that the person who promised to love them forever, didn't have any real concept of what that meant... And who could really make such a promise?? Don't they know that moments pass? That feelings change? That they will change? Don't people know that the more they love, the more they will hurt when it ends? And for what? For nothing. When it's all said and done, it will end - just like everything does.

Yeah, yeah... I know what you're thinking... "tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". Really though? Is it? I'm not convinced. I'm not so sure that I would be worse off if I had never loved. In fact, I suspect things would be just plucky for me had I never known love. Happiness comes in many forms - many of them nowhere near as fleeting or dangerous as love. Think about it. I know I've felt happiness for a zillion different reasons... an accomplishment, a good deed.... hell, even a new outfit... These things all made me happy in simple little ways that could never lead to anywhere near the same level of suffering that lost love does. I say, love sucks.

For those out there that say love is the greatest high in life... I'm not so sure that makes it worth it. I mean, I'm sure heroin is a great high too but most people have enough sense to see that it has the potential to fuck with your head and destroy your life. When it comes to that, like most, I've always thought I wouldn't risk it. After all, why would you want to know how great something is, if ultimately it will destroy you??? Same goes for love. Ignorance is bliss. If you never know it, you never lose it. You never have to go through the horrible withdrawal... the gut wrenching pain you feel when you know you can never again have something you've become so dependent on.

So there it is... my new manifesto... love is worse than heroin. You heard it here first. When you're tempted to give it a try, "Just say no".

Feel better? No? Me either. I wish I could offer words of encouragement and hope but I'm just not there. I do wish you the best in getting through all this.

Who knows... maybe I'm full of shit and there really are happy endings out there. Lord knows I've been wrong before.

Good luck on your journey.

Blogger Kiki said...

I tried commenting about 7 times earlier and for some reason the comment window wasn't loading. OH well.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry you have to go through this. I don't have the perfect words for you right now. I doubt anyone does.

Just know that there are people (even ones that only know you through the internet :) ) that care.

Be strong.

Blogger Candace said...

Love is worth it, really, even if it ends up being with someone else. But if you are both wanting to try, I know a bunch of people who swear by (as in it turned their failing marriages completely around) the tips at Marriage Builders and of course you don't have to be married to apply this stuff.

Enough sappy crap from me. It's also fine to say things like, "shit, this freaking SUCKS!"

Anonymous Vino Veritas said...

Call me sweet heart. I can school you on marriage and the other things life has to offer.

Blogger Bill said...

I would have posted a comment back when you had four comments but I really coudn't think of anything to say - not that I'd want to hear what I had to say if I were in a similar place. There's really not anything anyone can say except ... hope it works out eventually.

Of course, having said that, this is the place where I start telling you to do this or do that. Well, "Do this and do that." See? Everything's fine now!

Rather than talk about you, I think it's better to talk about me. I think in a similar place I would respond differently now than when I was 20. (At 20 I would have yelled a lot, drunk a lot of beer and wound up in a stripper bar. Several times.)

I don't think there's anything I can do about the other person other than talk to them. (Not that that's easy.) With me, I think I'd start getting a bit anal and asking myself what I want and what I'm prepared to do for it and what I'm not prepared to do and blah blah blah. When I get into relationships I tend to start to coast after a while, once it's comfortable - because it is comfortable and I like it that way. But everything is always changing so I have to kind of wake myself up and realize it's changing, ask myself what the change is and what it entails and how it sits with me.

Fucking world. It's always fucking changing. Perhaps both of you are responding to change and it's not the disaster you're anticipating. Maybe you just need to understand the change and adapt to it.

I'm not sure anything of that made sense but somewhere in my head it made sense to me. You might be better off reading a Hallmark card rather than this comment.

Anonymous nabbalicious said...

Ugh, Kris. I am so, so sorry. I hope it all works out for you. Relationships are equal parts beautiful and frustrating. Fight for what you want.

Blogger Shawn said...

I'm late to the show, as always...

I'm sorry to hear you're in a spin. Seems to be going round lately. Hang in there and know there are people out here who care about you.

Blogger Lyndie said...

I agree with most of the previous comments. I have learned that fights about open cabinet doors (which we used to have a lot) are never about cabinet doors...which I'm sure you know. All I can say is although I only know what I know about you from laughing myself silly reading your blog. My thoughts and prayers are with you that, no matter the outcome, your heart will be healed.

Blogger NARDAC said...

oh... and if I could mail my arms over, they'd give you a hug... a big bloody hug, just the way you deserve it!

Blogger Cheryl said...

Aw hon, I wish I could give you a hug...here's a virtual one. I hope that things work out and the Target aisle becomes a distant memory.

Blogger Lulu said...

That sucks. Hard. I'm sorry.

Anonymous gorillabuns said...

if it's worth trying to work it out then try. all i can say is after 13 years of off and on dating and one engagement mixed in that time, my now husband and i are happier now than we were in the trenches of dating. yeah, we broke it off and then found that it was much better to be together than apart. besides, i didn't want to have to start all over and train another idiot...

hang in there....

Blogger Heather B. said...

I've read this entry about 15 times but have yet to comment. But then today I had this epiphany and thought that it works well with your current situation.

Not necessarily the possible break up part, but with the "comments drying up/crickets" part. We as bloggers share so much of our lives with each other and with complete strangers. And it's all well and good when everything is happy and funny but there are also times when things just suck. And this is one of those times. So don't worry about your comments or crickets, because that's just the way things go sometimes.

That said, have a bag of Lays S&V and some Chardonnay and feel better.

Blogger miss kendra said...

i so know what you mean.

Blogger JordanBaker said...

Give it a shot and give it time--you're going through some big changes now w/ the Nujob and all, and you may just need to work through that transition.

And I'm going to echo everyone else's blog hugs. Blugs?

Anonymous Touly said...

Oh No! You've fallen victim to break-up season, It's always between xmas and valentine's day. what's the point of wearing your heart on your sleave? damned if i know, i was hoping you had the answer. what jerks men are.
have a round of drinks on me... cause you know, otherwise it's like you're drinking alone, then ppl will say you have a problem ;-)
bottoms up and cheers up!

Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Love is taking a chance. You can get seriously hurt, but when it works, it's the greatest thing in the world. That's why we do it, despite all the risks we take opening ourselves up like that.

Best of luck to you.

Blogger Bridgermama said...

I actually got choked up reading this. I am so sorry you have to go through such a terrible break-up. If it makes you feel better I went through one of these about 12 years ago and as cliche' as it sounds "it was for the best." It actually was, a soul mate reared his beautiful head.

Blogger Megarita said...

Shit shit shit I hate that this is happening. Gotta sit down and throw down for a bit in person and find out what's going on. Damn, I'm sorry...I hope you guys can figure it out. (Says the girl who just did this and it exploded in her face...blech.)

Blogger Jeregano said...

Have you told him about the stuff you said at the begining of the post? How you feel about being the one you'd pick to procreate and watch you get thrown up on stuff? Have you reminded him how you fit together and try to, for some short periods, try to ignore the little irritations? Perhaps you should just relax and BOTH of you try to find more ways to meet in the middle and appreciate one another. If that doesn't work then I don't know what to tell ya. And there you have Jeregano's 2 cents.

Blogger DC Cookie said...

I'm speechless. Your writing is powerful...I hope, for your sake, that this is the middle of the story, and not the end.

Blogger Mel said...

My heart just sank.

I'm so so very sorry about this. I can't even begin to give you the words of strength you need right now.

Bottomline: Love is a motherfucker.

Kris, I completely adore you. I'm always here for you, ALWAYS. I offer you my shoulder to cry on... and I'll bring a few bottles of cheap wine as well.

Hang in there, beautiful. I'm thinking about you.

Blogger T said...

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

I feel your pain woman...

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