Vibeology

Unanticipated unemployment benefit #3: Having the distinct advantage of being able to visit your podiatrist and the gynecologist in the same afternoon.

Unanticipated unemployment benefit #7: Being at home to see the painter across the street urinate on the roof of the house NEXT TO THE ONE HE'S WORKING ON because he's too lazy to go inside.

Unanticipated unemployment benefit #27: Ellen, Oprah, Dr. Phil. A Wedding Story, A Baby Story, A Makeover Story, Perfect Proposal, Whose Freaking Wedding is it, Anyway?, Everything on Discovery Health About Twins With Multiple Heads. Passions.

(Please give me due credit for leaving Tony Danza out of this dazzling array.)

Unanticipated unemployment benefit #36: Discovering your long-mourned Paula Abdul CD while cleaning out the trunk of your car.

Unanticipated unemployment benefit #42: Increased neurosis with a side of Generalized Anxiety. Do I really need Q Tips? I could always swirl up toilet paper and use that until I get a paycheck. Oh, must remember to buy fast food today so I can pilfer ketchup packets and Splenda from the condiments bar.

Unanticipated unemployment benefit #50: Shaving. Every day.

Unanticipated unemployment benefit #75: 73 days after starting your job search, 40 resumes, one job fair, three paper cuts (one in the web of your right hand, I might add), 56 sappy looks from people who know your plight, and one employer who interviewed you and NEVER EVEN CALLED BACK, the job that you cross your fingers, toes, and eyelashes for calls and tells you it's a go. And you feel so fantastic that you dance around the apartment first with one cat, and then with the one that is now hiding from you.

I start on Tuesday.