January 13, 2006
Vibeology
Unanticipated unemployment benefit #3: Having the distinct advantage of being able to visit your podiatrist and the gynecologist in the same afternoon.

Unanticipated unemployment benefit #7: Being at home to see the painter across the street urinate on the roof of the house NEXT TO THE ONE HE'S WORKING ON because he's too lazy to go inside.

Unanticipated unemployment benefit #27: Ellen, Oprah, Dr. Phil. A Wedding Story, A Baby Story, A Makeover Story, Perfect Proposal, Whose Freaking Wedding is it, Anyway?, Everything on Discovery Health About Twins With Multiple Heads. Passions.

(Please give me due credit for leaving Tony Danza out of this dazzling array.)

Unanticipated unemployment benefit #36: Discovering your long-mourned Paula Abdul CD while cleaning out the trunk of your car.

Unanticipated unemployment benefit #42: Increased neurosis with a side of Generalized Anxiety. Do I really need Q Tips? I could always swirl up toilet paper and use that until I get a paycheck. Oh, must remember to buy fast food today so I can pilfer ketchup packets and Splenda from the condiments bar.

Unanticipated unemployment benefit #50: Shaving. Every day.

Unanticipated unemployment benefit #75: 73 days after starting your job search, 40 resumes, one job fair, three paper cuts (one in the web of your right hand, I might add), 56 sappy looks from people who know your plight, and one employer who interviewed you and NEVER EVEN CALLED BACK, the job that you cross your fingers, toes, and eyelashes for calls and tells you it's a go. And you feel so fantastic that you dance around the apartment first with one cat, and then with the one that is now hiding from you.

I start on Tuesday.


67 Comments:

Blogger Thérèse said...

Congratulations! Woohoo!

I have to say though. I do believe #42 is alive and well in many employed people as well.

Blogger JJ said...

Fantastic. There is no better revenge than getting a better job - except winning the lottery, of course.

Blogger Jackie said...

Outstanding job getting a new...job.

My friend had her baby on A Baby Story! When I saw it on TV it was a TRIP!!! :)

Now you're going to have to take a half day to get in the podiatrist AND the gyno, like the rest of us.

PS Instead of gyno I typed "gyro" originally. LOL!

Blogger Wicked H said...

YAY, congrats!

Please tell us that when you danced the thumbs were up and the under bite in place.

Blogger t2ed said...

Congratulations on joining the ranks of the gainfully employeed fully functioning zombie commuter community again.

I was worried we were going to have to have a telethon for you. Hosted by Tony Danza of course....

Hope your new office features a boss just like Michael of The Office. Cause that really breaks up the monotony.

Blogger Poppy Cede said...

Yippy!!!!! Let's celebrate with red wine, Q-tips, and a shave-free day!

Blogger Mel said...

HOLY FUCKIN A!! CONGRATS!!! I'm so freakin happy for you :)

I feel a weekend celebration coming on...

Blogger Keith said...

YAY! Congrats!! Now you can stop shaving every day.

Blogger Amber said...

Congratulations!!

Although I'm slightly jealous because everything in #75 has happened to me -- except the part about getting the job I want. Sigh.

Blogger Anisa said...

CONGRATULATIONS!!! that is wonderful...gosh, doesn't it take forever to get a great job?? i'm still waiting for my dream job...

sigh...

Blogger Carolyn said...

Congratulations! I wish you all the best. Although, I'm sure you'll miss that construction worker.

Blogger Jeff said...

Wow, you only had ONE interviewer that didn't call you?

I work in IT. That's standard practice here. The way you find out if you were hired:

You get a phone call? Hired. You didn't get a phone call? Not.

Congrats on the new job!

Blogger Dave said...

Shortest period of unemployement ever.

I'm very happy that you'll be off the dole. What's the job? Did you go for that animation voice-over thing I recommended? Me hopey.

Regarding the effed up link:
- go into your template
- click control F and paste this: http://mamalikey.blogspot.com/touchyoulast.blogspot.com
- take out this part mamalikey.blogspot.com/

Now you're cooking with gas.

Anonymous Jorge said...

Unanticipated unemployment benefit #3a: Your podiatrist and the gynecologist are the same person.

Unanticipated unemployment benefit #27a: If they ever combine any three of these, my head would explode.

Unanticipated unemployment benefit #36: "...It ain't fiction JUST A NATURAL FACT..."

Unanticipated unemployment benefit #50: Er....

I'm very happy for you.
I had all the papers drawn up for you to become my maid/mistress.
But this works out for the best for all.

Anonymous Sanora said...

I'm adding my congrats and at the same time am sort of disappointed...I was looking forward to hearing what Unanticipated unemployment benefit #93 was...oh well, I guess I'll have to figure it out on my own unemployed time...(although, I got a call yesterday and I do have a job line producing a short next week so I'm temporarily of the employed world - yay!)

Blogger NARDAC said...

Et voilà!! Bravo chérie!!!

Blogger Ex-playgroup mommy said...

Congrats! Enjoy your last weekend unemployed!

Blogger Cheryl said...

Congrats on the job! And finding the benefits to the unemployed life...and not including Tony Danza.

Blogger Sizzle said...

woo hoo!

yippee!!

i was about to fed ex you some q-tips.

:) sizz

Anonymous Jennifer said...

Rock on. That's fabulous! Perhaps the hairy olive was just a talisman in disguise.

And for the record, on the Q-tip question. No, one should never forego the Q-tips. For any reason. Ever.

Blogger Chantel said...

My Dr. told me to never stick anything in my ear smaller than my elbow. Then i asked him how I'm supposed to clean my ears.

I didn't get an answer.

Blogger Egan said...

Congrats on the new job. What you just detailed is what keeps me from looking for a new job.

Blogger SugarHigh said...

WHOOHOO-CONGRATULATIONS! that's great girl. i love your lists though. i can relate.

Blogger JordanBaker said...

awesome! And you know cat 2 would've been jealous if he hadn't gotten a dance. . .

Blogger mamalujo1 said...

Goody for you!

Blogger Sugarmama said...

Congratulations! But I love the one about the painter on the roof--who knew?

Blogger Robin said...

Yay!! Congrats!!! Quite a Friday the 13th for you!! :-)

Blogger LolaGetz said...

Has the cat come out yet???

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Brava, my funny friend.

Blogger Alecia said...

Congrats! You know Paula Abdul was my first concert ever. Color Me Badd opened in gloriously Neon Yellow and Purple suits. Aaghh..the memories.

Blogger erin said...

CONGRADULATIONS on the new job!! i'd send you an internet card if they made one for the occassion...

at least you got your car cleaned out and was able to enjoy some of the time between jobs...

one of my favorite daytime tv shows: price is right...bob barker just makes my day a little brighter when he reminds me to spay and neuter my pet...

Blogger playfulinnc said...

Ah, the joys of being unemployed are much like being on the road with a children's show.

But, the new job is fantastic! I love new beginnings!

Have you picked out what you will wear yet?

Blogger Brookelina said...

Kris, you rock!!!

What the hell do you do anyway? Should I know this from reading your blog? Am I having a brain fart? A senior moment? Where are my glasses?

Blogger babyjewels said...

Congratulations! Now splurge and get those q-tips, moneybags.

Anonymous Jurgen Nation said...

Kris, I already sent you my e-mail congratulations, but CONGRATULATIONS! anyway.

Okay, here's what I NEED to say. Your car HAD BETTER BE A 1991 ANYTHING OR I'M COMING DOWN THERE TO KICK YOUR ASS. Paula Abdul? Seriously, is there a reason? KRIS. Look at me when I'm talking to you.

Blogger MKD said...

CONGRATS! Welcome back to the working fold. Welcome back to the life of suck.

Blogger KlevaBich said...

Holy crap! This must be the shortest period of unemployment ever! (That actually deserves a bit of sympathy as well, doesn't it?) Anyhoo, congratulations and this glass of cheap boxed wine is a toast to you. Woohoo!

Blogger Bill said...

I've nothing interesting or amusing to say except, "Congrats." I can't think of too many things that feel better than something coming through like this. It feels fabulous. Revel in it!

Blogger Aimée said...

boo-did! You did it! Congrats my dear friend!

Blogger nabbalicious said...

Yay!! Congratulations!

I'm in the same boat right now. Ugh, 40 resumes? Really? But you got something, so that gives me some hope. I've only sent out three so far. Only 37 more to go before I consider poking my eyes out!

Blogger Lushy said...

That's wonderful! Congratulations!

Congrats, Kris!

Blogger Marissa said...

congratulations!!!!!

SWEET!
I think somebody deserves a big hug!
Mmmmmmm..HEY, watch the hands sweetheart.
Above the waist...ABOVE THE WAIST!
SHeesh.
No means no Kris!

OH well, I'll let you slide this time, I just wish you'd warm your hands first.

Blogger tmaris said...

Think of all the great day time TV you'll be missing! Just kidding... congrats! You must be thrilled.

Blogger LBseahag said...

enjoy the "me" time....

cuz 62 is a longass time away!

Blogger missbhavens said...

Yeah! Congratulations! That IS the world's bestest feeling.

Of course, For us, the readers, the Anticipated Unemployment Benefit #98 would have been "Kris posts three times a day somewhere between all that daytime tv", but that's just selfish. I know Mama's got to bring home the bacon. Fry it up in a pan.

Blogger Egan said...

Go SEAHAWKS!

Blogger Megarita said...

Aren't you going to miss all the good times, though? Congrats, though. AWESOME.

Blogger joey♥ said...

nice blog :). you made me laugh out loud!

Blogger Jessica said...

Yay! I'm so happy for you!

Blogger Lauren said...

As a currently unemplyed wench of society I say congratulations through clenched teeth.

Blogger lizzyjane said...

Hi Kris! I'm still around, just crazy busy. I'm here every couple of days to see what you're up to, and to get my necessary dose of sarcasm and fun.
Lizzy
PS0- My duvet is from IKEA!

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

WAY TO GO!!!!!!!! YAHOO!!!!!!!!
less shaving!!!!

I must be blind, don't see hairs on your olives.

BTW are olives fruit or veg? Just wondering....

Blogger MemeStream said...
Blogger Maliavale said...

Congratulations!

Web paper cuts hurt the most. Here's to fantastic new health care plans! *raises glass*

Anonymous Vino Veritas said...

Congrats on the new job. I did 15 monthes in job exile. Now I get to affect people in a new way.

Blogger Danielle said...

Congrats! That's fantastic... I'm doing a happy dance for you!

Blogger mazmocko said...

Just stopped by and found your nice blog to read. Add me as your faithful reader will you. LOL

Blogger Monkey said...

Delurking to say Congratulations!

Blogger Finn said...

Congratulations! It's so great to get what you want. Enjoy!

Blogger Sub Girl said...

congrats!!

Blogger deanne said...

Nice one gal!

Congratulations - next time I'm out drinking, I will have a drink just for you. And two for me. And one for you. And then two more for me. Ad nauseum (nauseum being the key word.)

Anonymous Neil said...

Kris, I feel so sorry for you. How are you going to find the time to watch Dr. Phil and Passions every day anymore? My sincere condolences to you for finding a job.

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

Wooohoooo! Congratulations! Don't worry, though-- I watch almost the exact same TV lineup, so I can fill you in.

Blogger afromabq said...

Fantastic! Congratulations. From someone who's been working for the same federal agency for over 15 years, I don't envy the search, the many resumes and the paper cuts. Good luck!

Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Unanticipated unemployment benefit #7: Being at home to see the painter across the street urinate on the roof of the house NEXT TO THE ONE HE'S WORKING ON because he's too lazy to go inside.

Yuck! Next time, shoot him with a bb gun right in the ding ding. That would teach him not to do that again.

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