January 16, 2006
There must be a Carly Simon song for this. [Now with 33% more update!]

When I was six my mother bought me a pristine pink outfit for the first day of second grade. I couldn’t wait to start the year wearing it. Mom laid it out on the spare twin in my bedroom with great care, and with even greater care I smoothed out the wrinkles after she left. I slept with both the light on and a huge stinking grin on my face. I first woke up at 2 a.m. (I wonder who will sit next to me tomorrow!) Again at 3:45 (Mrs. Brown seems SO nice!). At 4 o’clock, I truly thought my head would explode (I wonder where our first field trip will be!!!) Finally, at 5, I broke free of the constraints of adult time (and the duvet) and put the whole damn outfit on. And then I went back to bed. Fully dressed.

My excessive enthusiasm for first days has faded only slightly in the 26 years that have passed. I spent the last few days making trips to CVS for basic toiletry needs (I surely must have some tissues and Advil for the office!), to the mall (I don’t have a pair of brown shoes that are precisely what I need for that outfit), and to every damn Ann Taylor in the national capital area (Good news, Miss! We’ve located a store in upper Arkansas that has the pants in your size!) I have the tampon stash, the new silver jewelry, and all the trouser socks and 100-calorie pack Cheese Nips necessary to return successfully to the workforce.

[Please note that I have effectively stifled the urge to A number 1) do a drive by of the new office to scope out chain restaurants and driving shortcuts and other people’s outfits and such, and B number 2) clean Staples out of every novelty Post-It, writing implement, labeling gadget, and excessively large vat of Starlight Mints on those shelves within my reach. This is mostly due to A number 1) an irrational fear of my future boss and/or coworkers seeing me doing said drive by in vehicle whose missing hubcap has yet to be replaced, and B number 2) a perfectly rational fear that, after indulging in aforementioned expenditures, Visa check card may/will likely be declined at Staples checkout line.]

So tonight I will pack my new handbag full of unnecessary goodies and paint my nails a pale shade of pink. I will lay out the outfit I will be wearing tomorrow, right down to the last earring and bracelet. And I will make no promises that I will wait until morning to put it all on.

FIRST DAY UPDATE:What could have made the day more perfect? I made it through the entire morning without seeing that excruciating Dub Dub commercial in which Cher howls about loneliness while chunky women like yours truly walk about the screen.

I discovered that I can Eat Fresh for weekday lunch WITHOUT HAVING TO DRIVE ANYWHERE! Represent, Jared!

NO PC LOAD LETTER. NOT. A. ONE.

Did I mention my commute was cut by 10 minutes?

I feel like I'm going to do good things with this new group. Good things make mama happy.

As in lives past, no one told me about their gastric bypass surgery or second broken engagement in the first two hours.

In the interest of full disclosure, I did fantasize (between breaths on the ride home, detailing the entire day to my padre via cell phone) for at least 12 full minutes about all the goods I would buy for my new office (Ooooh! A girl needs a new lamp!)

And the piece de creme brulee; I HOUSED those college suckers on my cognitive show tonight.

Now my peepers and I are sleepy. I'm going to turn off my celly, watch a Juiceman infomercial while performing aerobatic feats of macrame (I kid about the juice thing) and, well, I'm just going to kick it.

I love you and your support.
Kris


46 Comments:

Blogger Maliavale said...

Office-supply and desk-snack-stash shopping: a time-honored workforce tradition! Hope your first day is great.

Blogger playfulinnc said...

I would do the same...hope you sleep well tonight!

Blogger Sizzle said...

i hope tomorrow is a superb day kris.

:) sizz

Anonymous whoorl said...

Get some good shut-eye tonight and have a great first day tomorrow!

Blogger megw2 said...

That post made me excited for you! I have butterflies. Good luck!

Blogger Candace said...

I'm the same damn way.

But you're way cuter about it. Good luck!

Blogger Sugarmama said...

That's so cute! I remember that first-day-of-school feeling so vividly.

Blogger Keith said...

omg - funnier than Steve Carell's Golden Globe speech. Good luck tomorrow

Blogger Kim said...

You need help, you know that? But I love ya for it.

Good luck with first day. Remember to try and make friends with the popular kids. Lie about how cool you were at your old school if you have to.

Blogger Bill said...

I understand the feeling and I've done things sort of like that - but I'm a guy. So I usually find on the first day of that new job all my clothes are set to go but ... 1) in all the laundry I did, I forgot to throw any drawers in so all I have is dirty underwear with not-so-fresh-odors and suspect stains. Or, I'm out of shaving cream and my beard is coming in (as usual) Bob Dylan style - sort of like a desert landscape with the odd patch of brush. Or I've got a crateload of floss but no toothpaste. Or soap but no deodorant.

Ya know? Something big is always missing or wrong. And I end up showing up for the new job as a well dressed guy coming off a three day bender.

On those days, I wish I was a girl. They seem to prepare better.

Blogger nabbalicious said...

I'm the same way, too! Love it.

Congrats again, and have a great first day! I'm happy for you.

Blogger Monkey said...

Congratulations.

If your going to sleep in your new clothes, I suggest a handy steamer that plugs into the lighter of your car. Press and Go.

Blogger NARDAC said...

So that's what happens to former Battle-of-the-Bangs winners. They stalk Ann Taylors around the country, juggling an improbable amount of stationery. I wonder what those interstellar aliens are noting down about you....

*crickets*

Blogger t2ed said...

Enjoy that first day of work. Because you're never going to be that happy about going to the office again! Think of all the public accountants in The Producers singing "unhappy" over and over again.

Oh and it's also okay to do the Oz Flying Monkeys song (oh wee oh, oh, oh) on your way in.

Anonymous Wendy said...

God, that is so something I would do - I have done the drive-by just to make sure I could get there in the time alloted (i have issues) so boy did this post resonate with me - you are going to do great! Good luck!!!

Blogger Thérèse said...

I so did that exact thing when I started my this job.

Only, I did a little french manicure instead of pale pink (which is quite lovely), tried every pair of shoes I owned to see which ones I wanted to wear and matched my outfit to my shoes. That is to say, I bought an outfit to match the shoes I wanted to wear.

Cause hey. Sometimes a girl's gotta feel pretty.

Have a great day at work, and remember... we're gonna wanna hear all about it!

Anonymous Jorge said...

Hopefully you managed to not explode on your way to work.
I envy you. The feeling of embarking ona new journey must be exhilarating.
All the best luck to you on your first day.
Make sure you don't 1) Spill coffee on your boss, 2) Open a door in someone's face, or 3) manage to somehow invoke the spirit of satan from your three-hole punch due to the fact that 1) you are associated with me and weir dthings just happen, 2) You are such a good-hearted soul that the devil has it in for you, or 3) I just made this all up.

Hugs,
Papa

Blogger Trojan said...

Yep...that will be me when I buy my first pair of Jimmy Choo's. I'll wear those fuckers to bed.

Blogger Heather B. said...

You seem much calmer than I would be on my first day of work. I stocked up on stuff from Anthropologie (therefore I was broke) and then spent the entire night before grinding my teeth in my sleep so that by morning, I wanted to be shot. It was fabulous.

I hope it all goes well for you!

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I wish I shared your excitement for school when I was a kiddo.

By the way, I still get a TON of "Cat Humping" hits via search engines.

Blogger Oh, that girl. said...

Fantastic post! Yeah job! yeah Kris! Yeah Yeah, whoopdie fucking YEAH!!!

Blogger Cheryl said...

Good luck! I would do the drive by, knowing me! Way to resist.

Blogger Finn said...

Oh gawd, I do the same things. It's like starting your life all over again, isn't it? And this time, this time, you're gonna do it right. ;)

Please let us know how it went!

I'm so excited for your first day. I'm desiring a new job too -- wanna find me one? Already I find myself stocking up on new suits -- you know, for my new job that I don't have. :)

And, I don't know how you don't do the drive-by. It's a must for me before I even accept a job. If there isn't a mall and at least 3 delicious luncheries nearby, it's a no-go.

Can't wait to hear how your day went.

Blogger LBseahag said...

Matching barettes, too...gotta have matching barettes!

Blogger Amber said...

I am also like that when it comes to first days. Especially the part about going to every Ann Taylor on the planet. Only what will generally happen, because it was my usual first day of school ritual, is that I'd get so nervous that I'd throw up. I know. TMI. What I'm trying to say is "GOOD LUCK!!"

Blogger SugarHigh said...

sorry for the late post on this but, YEAH!! Hope your first day was super and I can't wait to hear all about it. Shopping for school supplies was the best part about school.

Blogger Dave said...

Yeah, I miss first day of school. It was the only day of the year that I dressed myself in something not covered in dried egg or smelling of stale boy.

I hope your day was perfect. Peace out.

Blogger Egan said...

I loved the anticipation of the first day of school. I used to lay out all my clothes the night before. Now I just never put my clothes away, it's simpler that way.

Blogger Amanda said...

oooh, good luck! excitement is better than nervousness. awesome. excited for you.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Ooh I am so X-cited for you!!! Make sure you eat a good breakfast!!!

Hope you had a fantastic first day!

Blogger Egan said...

I just remembered the first day thing too. Hope it went well Kris.

Blogger MKD said...

I like that Cher commercial. It makes me cry and think "if I were chunky I'd want a Cher theme song."

Blogger Brookelina said...

I slept in my flowergirl dress when I was five. I so know you.

Blogger Megarita said...

AAAAAAAAH that Cher commercial! Damn I hate that commercial. but I love your highlighted and ready-to-rock self. Congrats on working again.

Anonymous Jorge said...

COMMENT UPDATE
I'm exceptionally for your first day.
May all of your days be just as good.
And may your dine-in experience be 5-star.
Save save save, because me and Mrs. Jorge are expensive dates and pay for NOTHING.

Just ask Dave!

J

PS: Just kidding about the expensive date thing. We're cheap and easy.

Blogger Mel said...

Kris, you are the epitome of class.

Hope day two goes as well as the first!

Blogger Jessica said...

Yay! I'm happy for ya! I took a sick day today and sent out resumes. Wish me luck! My arm is still throbbing from the impossible mountain of holepunching i had to do on tuesday. I went to college for that?!

Anyway, enjoy the new duds, and the new job!

Blogger Kiki said...

I'm happy for you!!!

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

VERY happy for you and boy are you happy!!! Go get 'em, Kris!!!!

Anonymous Kat said...

This post is really cute and funny. And you have the best blog title EVER. I will be back for more.

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