January 9, 2006
Play that funky music white girl
I arrived at the weekend with a need to burn off steam. I found myself a) unemployed, and in that state following one of the most stressful weeks of work on record, and b) with an awful post-cruise cold, likely picked up from one of the many coughing-sans-coverage passengers on my 767. Saturday arrived, and with it the promise of a Redskins playoff game. The beau and I had a tiff that day, so in true Kris fashion, I donned my largest boyfriend-defiant hoop earrings, took his beer out of my fridge, and headed to the Best Friend's house for some football and Baked Lays.

I'm convinced that Redskins football is literally in her blood, the promise of a Super Bowl ring something that pulled her through the days of the clots. With each passing play, the two of us drank more cheap beer, cheered our hearts out, sang the Redskins fight song, drank the rest of the white wine, made the cat cheer much to his chagrin, drank red wine, broke open champagne, and danced. Yes, my friends. A la Bridget Jones, we two solo females got our groove on right there in her 50's kitsch-filled Arlington pad, courtesy of her excessive drunken iTunes downloading, while her tailless cat hid in the kitchen.

From the moment the Best Friend started playing her AC/DC air guitar, I knew it was SO on. I spent those first few seconds contemplating the dance moves that would follow. Ohhhh, yeah.

She was a fast machine
She kept her motor clean
She was the best damn woman I had ever seen


I recall there being a lot of hip movement at this point, the old reliable college move that, accompanied by a badass game face, could definitely pass for dancing in the right lighting.

She had the sightless eyes
Telling me no lies
Knockin' me out with those American thighs


I took it up a notch, introducing Rockettes kicks into my routine, puffing with pride that my legs could clear the height of the sofa.

Taking more than her share
Had me fighting for air
She told me to come but I was already there


Shake it! Now back to the hips. And some booty shaking with the arms high over the head. Man, I probably looked hot, Claire's Boutique hoop earrings and all.

'Cause the walls start shaking
The earth was quaking


BRING IT!

My mind was aching
And we were making it and you -


My sassy hips crescendoed with the music, and I decided it was time to bring out the big guns. I hadn't attempted it since college, but it was time once again for the worm.

You shook me all night long

Hands strategically placed on my hips, I attempted to let the hard rock genius flow from the soles of my black Chucks up to my pursed lips.

But something went terribly wrong.

Yeah you, shook me all night long

The smooth, 20-year-old hip action was no longer there, and it was replaced by a jerking motion that made me appear to be in the front row of a certain fitness enthusiast's Sweating to the Aussies.

Working double time
On the seduction line
She was one of a kind, she's just mine all mine


I was in bad shape. Bucking to and fro out of control, I tried to think quickly, and in my tipsy haze did the only thing I could think of to save myself: I pulled out the thumbs.

She wanted no applause
Just another course
Made a meal out of me and came back for more


That's right: the thumbs. I had reverted to the Solid Gold kiss of death and there was no way out. I found myself sashaying to the right, pausing at the end with a raised right foot and hitchiking move of dramatic proportions.

Had to cool me down
To take another round
Now I'm back in the ring to take another swing


I checked to see if the shades were down and if my friend still appeared too drunk to notice me.

'Cause the walls were shaking
The earth was quaking


And now that I had gone the whole way right, there was no way out other than to thumb my way back to the left.

My mind was aching
And we were making it and you -


The song lasted another couple of minutes, and I cut my losses by hopping around in a circle Flatley style throughout the entire chorus and lengthy guitar solo. I was winded with anxiety, and mortified that my dance moves were so bad. Hi, my name is Kris, and I am a twentysomething no more. I contemplated going to buy my first pair of elasticized pants from Penney's.

In hindsight, I'm proud to say that I never resorted to biting my lower lip while the thumbs were in play, a middle-age dance move best displayed with a loosened tie at weddings.

But let's be honest with each other, friends. It's really only a matter of time.

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57 Comments:

Blogger Okie said...

You rock! That was the funniest damn thing I've read in at least four days.

Blogger afromabq said...

So are you sore today? It sounds like a true workout in my books - only funner (is that a word?). :)

Blogger Keith said...

Hail to the Redskins
hail Vic-toe-reeee!

Blogger Brian said...

Redskins....wine....AC/DC...?



Will you be my new best friend? ;-)

Blogger Wicked H said...

First GO SKINS!!!

Second, so you are the one who taught Elaine her moves. Most excellent.

Blogger Finn said...

*snorts* Yes, yes - it WAS an Elaine!

It's OK honey, just blame it on the booze. 'Cause I'm older that you, and I've NEVER done that. Really. No living person has ever seen me do that, therefore it never happened ;)

Blogger NotCarrie said...

The lip-bite, oh my gosh, laughing so hard right now.

(yay skins!)

Blogger Candace said...

You are so freaking funny. So I nominated you for Best Humor in a Blog (or somesuch category with funny as the premise) in the Best Of Blog awards.

Hope that's ok....

Blogger Sizzle said...

Oh Kris, Kris, Kris. . .At least you didn't break out the Solid Gold "fanning my ass" dance move. Or as some of us call it. "Fan the Fart." The thumbs can be seen as retro-fun.

In some circles.

:) Sizz

Blogger Carolyn said...

Wow, you could totally sell your dance moves on the shopping channel. That guy who taught 'N Sync to dance has nothing on you!

I just kept picturing Elaine's dance on Seinfeld. The thumbs are priceless!

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

That's awesome-- I, too, thought of The Elaine. Dancing, however bad (or maybe especially when bad), is an excellent way to celebrate.

Blogger KlevaBich said...

I can only imagine the spectacle. Thanks for sharing, and check these dance moves out if you haven't already:

http://www.zefrank.com/invite/swfs/index2.html

But hey, there's NOTHING wrong with the white man's overbite!

Blogger Megarita said...

Oh Christ I almost wet my pants at work from this. Can you just do this full time? That would be awesome.

NOT THE THUMBS!!!????

Blogger erin said...

ROCK ON ROCKSTAR!!! RIP UP THAT HOTEL ROOM LIKE YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!!

if i had been there i would have pulled out my infamous robot dance...its so famous it's in-famous...

Blogger mamalujo1 said...

Well, obviously you hadn't had enough to drink if you were still able to self-criticize while doing it. Toss back a few more next time, stick those thumbs out, bite that lip, and BUST A MOVE, BABY!

Blogger Mel said...

Holy shit, you are my HERO.

Thumb-dancing, Penny's Elastic pants-wearing, Over hair-sprayed 80's bangs and all.

Blogger missbhavens said...

Oh, go ahead and lip-bite...you're only human.

Blogger Jenny said...

laughing my ass of at work while reading this. :)

Blogger Bill said...

Two words: conga line!

You in?

Anonymous Jacynth said...

I, too rocked out to that very same song on Saturday night. 'Twas a friend's surprise bday complete with bar riddled with peacocks, $3 Becks and a guest DJ who had awesome taste in music. Becuase I had 5 hours of sleep before, I did some shimmying on the dance floor to keep awake. I heart AC/DC (and Journey--just had to throw that on). Awesome.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I once danced on a bar to that song. For years after that every time I walked into that bar the DJ would play it upon my entrance. Good times.

Or was it Pour Some Sugar on Me? Damn. Getting old sucks.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Whenever the DJ plays "Baby Got Back" I stand by the dance floor and watch the women shake what mama gave 'em.

Blogger Lulu said...

Ummm...at what age does it become inappropriate nto rock to that song? Because I think I always will.

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

Kris they're right, you are SSSOOOO funny!!!

If you remembered all that, you weren't drunk enough!! Next time the cure is take a shot of something. Tequila's best!

Thanks for bringing my name into this event!!!!

Bridg

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

p.s. OOOPS you meant the REAL BJ!! Well never mind, I'll take the reflected credit anyway!!!

As long as it's in a shot glass!!

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Blogger Lushy said...

Hey, you stayed away from incorporating the african anteater ritual, so I would say the song ended at about the right time.

:)

Blogger Jürgen Nation said...

ELAINE! Oh, I can't wait to visit and go dancing.

Blogger Thérèse said...

Hi.

It's me. Thérèse. Who you don't really know. Over from Egan's site. Commenting on your site.

(looks around) Nice digs.

Blogger Thérèse said...

WHY DOES THAT LINK NOT WORK PROPERLY.

Uh. Sorry. Ahem.

Okay so I really do have a real comment, I promise.

It's just in my nature to introduce myself in a really stupid way.

Blogger Thérèse said...

Right.. so, that wasn't it. The comment I had. That had to do with your post.

Blogger Thérèse said...

And... neither was that.

Blogger Thérèse said...

ActuaL CommentS:

1. I love your site. I'm a little jealous, actually. Love the layout and template. And you're funny.

2. I love that song. I'm a little jealous, actually. Love the hips swaying and air guitar. And you're funny.

I'm gonna have to go do karaoke this weekend now.

Blogger t2ed said...

I'm just sorry there wasn't any carboard there so you have shown off your break dancing moves as well.

I thought alcohol-induced dancing was the only kind there was. It's like bowling, you never do it sober.

Blogger MKD said...

I'm pretty sure you're my mom.

Blogger Egan said...

This is golden Kris. I love that Angus guy in AC/DC. He's very fun to impersonate, hopping around and shit.

Seahawks vs. Redskins! Bring it!

Anonymous sandra said...

...but was there air guitar?

Blogger Dave said...

Wait a minute... THAT SONG IS ABOUT SEX! All those times I rocked out on the dance floor with a bunch of guys (okay--just Jorge) and we sang that song to one another... perhaps too earnestly...

Blogger deanne said...

What, no White Man Overbite! How could your dance repertoire ever be complete without it!

I am dying laughing over here! Dying, I tell you!

I want to be embarassed for you, but I just can't. It's too funny. I can't wait until the next tiff/game day.

Blogger Amber said...

Oh. My. God. There are tears. From the laughing. This is the funniest post I've ever read by you -- the mental picture? Is priceless!!

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Blogger Bookhart said...

First, this is the very song I want for my IPod.

Second, I watched myself dancing in the bathroom a few months ago and was so appalled that I blogged about it. I used to think I danced OK for a white girl, but now I just look like a soccer mom with no rhythm.

Blogger Maliavale said...

Ahh! You did The Elaine! Well-done. Well-done, indeed. And what are best friends for, if not to subtly ignore The Elaine? Sounds like a damn good weekend to me! Go, Claire's Boutique.

Blogger Kristi said...

You are so not alone in your dancing technique. Cheap beer, wine and all...we are so alike.

Love the title of your blog!

Oh thank goodness, I was worried there towards the end that you were going to do "The Overbite".
Good, no lip biting....unless, you know...you wanna give me a call sometime.


Sorry to hear about our job. I never liked it much really, it just didn't look good on you, get another one....but maybe try blue this time.

Anonymous Jorge said...

Beau: Remember, Kris is always right.
Kris: Baked Lays sounds kinky.

All: What the hell are American Thighs anyway?

Kris: When you said brought out the big guns we all got excited.

Man, I blink and you have over 40 comments.
I am convinced that you could write something like this...

eilghsguilaweg ihuegfwiuhsdg ihilubgwuilhweg

...and people would comment on how incredible you are.
Why? Because you are a Blog Goddess.

And we all worship you.

MamAmen

Blogger SugarHigh said...

LOL! I was waiting for you to bring out the roger rabbit, but the worm is much better. Kudos!

Blogger Heather B. said...

I love reading/hearing what white have to say about their dancing. It usually sounds a lot more painful than it is. Either way that was hysterical.

Anonymous Sanora said...

Man, I'm away for a day and miss the funniest post ever. Love it.

Blogger Kate said...

Oh, THANK YOU for making a horrible day better. Absofrickinlutely hilarious!!!

Blogger Aimée said...

Oh my Sweet Lord, Krissy! That is the FUNNIEST damn thing I have ever read. I teared up from laughing so hard and my cheeks hurt. Thanks for recounting the night's events as I was too drunk on a playoff victory high and cheap champagne to remember.... my air guitar SO rocks!

Blogger Lainey said...

Too funny! I love reading you 30 somethings' blogs!
Just wait until you start hearing the music of your 'youth' on the oldies station. Or worse yet, on the muzak at Penney's while you're shopping for elasticized pants!

Blogger Egan said...

So, how about them 'Skins?

Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

I love that song!

Blogger Maya said...

Yay, AC/DC.

I can't dance. Last attempt was a month or so ago, during which I had fun because all my friends were acting about as wild as I was. But I have rooted inhibitions.

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