January 26, 2006
I never sausage a thing.
Today I felt awful for sausage. Not the same kind of awful I feel while watching Rudy, but you’ll get the gist.

I was devouring my Diet Supreme (not at all French) Bread Pizza That Comes in the Green Box, when between the two bites it usually takes me to consume it, I actually looked down. There was the pepperoni, splayed out in male peacock fashion, round and robust and fully symmetrical. It was the color of a goat’s teat and – next to the MSG/roid-raged green and red peppers – it was the most colorful part of the topping fireworks display.

Pepperoni had it going on, and it was making no apologies.

And next to these uber toppings, the sparkling onion and even the slick, taupe mushroom, was the gray matter. Bits of something. Nay, morsels? Chunks? Nah. Lumps. Bulges of what looked like chewed-up newspaper or maybe even smooth, moist cat litter. Closer examination revealed these knobs to be the red-headed stepchild of the linked-meat universe: the sausage ball.

Researcher that I am, I had to track down others. It turns out sausage scabs abound. All the diet pizzas have them, scraps of virtually colorless meat material. (My first recollection of the meat in its post-living form is from the Butcher’s Wife - I blame the fact that it’s imprinted itself on my brain on the odd pairing of Demi Moore and possibly one of the Daniels brothers (?) – and it looked much like pepperoni [whose mention for some strange reason always brings both a Burgess Meredith ”baloney pony” reference to mind and an equally disturbing shudder].)

Sausage AND pepperoni both come in a link, straight from the ark, do they not?

But wait, the pizza chains have them too. Ground up bits. Tads of something. Specks of pork and orphans and sparrow beak (or whatever it is). Check it all out at a Pizza Lean-To and a Papa Juan’s near you. I tell you no lies.

I don’t even like sausage. I usually pick it off, much like old women in the path of my minivan (I kid). But if I were you, and I liked sausage, I’d revolt. It’s time for the kind of mass phone campaign that brought Designing Women back. That should save Arrested Development. That the beau makes to sex lines each month.

Wait, what?




File this under: FTLOG. Tags: mutton morsels; baloney pony; my massive phone bills and I don’t even use the damn thing; crickets.


49 Comments:

Blogger Neil said...

Don't they have a Domino's near you?

Blogger Amber said...

I try never to eat pork products because I saw some pigs once, and they were...well, nevermind. I was just totally grossed out.

And I will join the "Arrested Development" phone campaign. Because I LOVE them. The show, not the phone campaigns.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I eat at a pizza place that makes their sausage in-house. None of those rabbit turd sausages on my pizza.

Blogger Jackie said...

Good point about those funny pizzas.

The only one that I have found I actually enjoy is by Lean Cuisine and it is called a "Deep dish mushroom and spinach"...it has like a white alfredo-like sauce on it and is pretty good.

Blogger Bill said...

Gadzooks ... Now they're baking barf balls into pizza? The bastards!

One must never be too attentive to what one eats when outside the personal domicile. In other words, if you don't cook it - don't look too close!

Otherwise, like me, you'll never eat again and waste away into the great-what-have-you. (I use to be 280 lbs – now I’m 110 and arguing SuperBowl point spreads with Jesus!)

Blogger t2ed said...

If they're forcing you to stay in and consume French Bread Pizza at that new job, we can call Amnesty International for you.

We don't even force French Bread Pizza on detainees at Gitmo.

Blogger Thérèse said...

Hey!

What the hell!!?

I made a comment yesterday and it's gone, Kris. Gone!

It was really clever and everything!!

And I can't remember what I said, exactly!

Blogger is crap!

Blogger A Unique Alias said...

Orphans taste like spicey!

Blogger Genevieve said...

I have never liked that strange sausage stuff, ever since elementary school when your choice on Fridays was rectangular cheese pizza or rectangular sausage pizza. I thought the sausage looked like cut up rat's tails!

Anonymous Jorge said...

Ah, the Baloney Pony...
Almost as good as the Skin Boat to Tuna Town.

Is it actually meat? Or is ti TVP?

Blogger Cheryl said...

Poor sausage. It's like a bastard in the meat family, isn't it?

Blogger Sizzle said...

a) you can post about anything and i will inevitably laugh.

b) i do not want to eat sausage for a long, long time now.

Blogger jenn said...

EW ew ew ewwwwww... contemplating the contents of meat-products is always a stomach-lurching activity at best...

ps- Jeff Daniels co-stars with Demi in 'The Butcher's Wife'.

Blogger missbhavens said...

Ohmigod...BEAKS? Eeeewwwwwwwww...

I was a vegetarian for several years but then a pig bit me on the big toe (clean through my nail) and I've been enjoying squeak-meat products ever since.

I love sausage on my pizza, but it must be crumbles. None of those grey slices with those little white hard thingies in 'em.

I know the meat-ish flecks of which you speak. I don't think they're pork at all. I think they're kitty litter soaked in bacon fat.

Blogger Carolyn said...

One of my favorite pizza places around here actually slices their saugage for their pizza. I'm not a sausage fan, so I never get it. But what's interested is my husband, who is a sausage fan, doesn't like it. He'd prefer the crumbled up gray matter!

Blogger JJ said...

You think too much. Eat. Drink. Be Merry. Repeat.

Blogger Dave said...

Sometimes I don't understand what's going on here. But don't worry, it's not me, it's you.

Blogger Anisa said...

i don't eat pork, but this was effing hilarious!!!

two thumbs up for this fine sausage commentary!!

Blogger JordanBaker said...

I cannot stand by idly while you speak ill of sausage. The Meatsketeers will be here post-haste to avenge this smear against pork.

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

mmmm... pork products...

Megarita needs to comment. She has been known to give an Ode to Pork.

Blogger Amanda said...

ahhahaha, the butcher's wife. as far as meat in the movies, i prefer "so i married an axe murderer"..."charlie tells me you're a bitcher...you link your own sausage?"

Blogger Heather B. said...

I'm a vegetarian thank god...

ahh and you gave in to my demands!

Anonymous gorillabuns said...

making me regret my breakfast sausage from this morning....

Anonymous Jennifer said...

Roma tomato, green pepper, onion and extra cheese. That's it.

Or CP's Jamaican Jerk Chicken Pizza.

Onliest pizzas I can do.

And for the record, your "tags" nearly made me pee my pants.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I think it shows what a compassionate person you are that you can have such sympathy for a pork product.

Blogger Namaste said...

Worthy description. I abhor sausage too...

Blogger afromabq said...

Jimmy Dean gets my vote for sausage, and if it's not by him I don't eat it, especially on pizza.

Blogger sassyassy said...

Sausage balls are the first cousin to potted meat. Frankly, it amazes me that potted meat is still made and still sells. Who are those die-hard fans of potted meat? Probably the same ones who put sausage balls on our pizza.

Diet pizza?
You made that shit up.

That don't (public school) even make any sense.
Say it with me "DIET......PIZZA".
See, that shit aint right.

Blogger LBseahag said...

I prefer spam...

Blogger Aimée said...

I don't give an "F" what it is - but if WW (N. dub-dub) says it's zero points then I'll eat an f-ing truckload of it. No? Whuh? Side note: Listening to Black Sheep in Lambda Chi fashion alone at 2:03 AM while drinking Miller Lites with Arrested Development on TiVo and dancing with a tail-less cat and commenting on BF's blog = heaven. I heart you my dear Kris!

Blogger NewYorkMoments said...

OK, "sausage scabs" made me laugh out loud!

Blogger Stef said...

I don't like those sausage bits, so I stick with the pepperoni-only green box.

Some friends and I did have a "meat lovers" frozen pizza recently and it took us until about 1/2-way through it to figure out that the strange brown squares were actually chunks of steak. We'd identified the pepperoni and sausage bits, but that steak was a mystery.

Blogger Slade said...

You know, the other day, mr. slade bought a south beach diet lean pizza (single size) because we are trying to eat healthier this year (not because we are actually on that stupid diet) Anyway, I prepared the pizza for him and when I pulled it out of the box it was the size of a Bagel Bite (you know what those are?) I shit you not! I laughed so hard that I doubled over. The box was soooo much larger than the actual product!!! It was too funny.

Blogger deanne said...

"Specks of pork" ("spporks"?)Ewwwww. There is something just not right about pork speckles.

*wanders off, shaking head, muttering"

Blogger Marie said...

Hi Kris,
This is my first time visiting. I love your blog! I'm still reading up on your most recent posts. And thanks for playing along in my group activity today. :) hehe

Blogger Jessica said...

but, fake meats are so...tasty?!

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

I'm sorry I know what I do about food.

Blogger MKD said...

Designing Women is back? Oh lord. Bring back the Golden Girls instead.

Blogger mrsmogul said...

I used to like sausage..but now that I am a veggie, I pick it off it's its in the pizza...MAN I WANT A PIZZA!

Blogger Divine Calm said...

I loved your post's title. So clever.

Blogger Pizzle said...

Ha! Never noticed that before...

Oh, and I leave my sausage on, but still pick off minivan moms.

;)

Anonymous Jacynth said...

Are you sure it wasn't a snausage? I wouldn't put it past the diet pizza makers to put dog sausage on the pizza. It makes it that much better!

Blogger KlevaBich said...

Ah, the Baloney Pony. This is why I love you. I'd forgotten that one. But not taking old One Eye to the optometrist, wanna see my man-sized manicotti? and my favorite part of Hawaii, Kumoniwannalaya.

Blogger Marissa said...

I LOVE your posts, Kris. Love 'em!

Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Don't like sausage? Too bad. I love sausage. Just had some bratwurst the other night. Yummy.

Pepperoni. Italian sausage. Few things in life are better.

Blogger NARDAC said...

French Bread Pizza? Only in America. It's a self-inflicted torture, t2ed.

As for sausage... yeah, I've always thought eating sausage on pizza or in some kind of breakfast sandwich from MickeyD's was a bad bad BAD IDEA. But, ha! In France, we have ze good sausage and it's not made from pig's anuses and monkey's behinds. And we got many fancy kinds of sausage too... for your satisfaction.

Actually, though, the other day in the (Paris) Metro I saw this crazy poster for a pizza... the crust was stuffed with cheese and it was leaking out, like a hanging tongue... or jizz... a flicking lick of cheese jizz. Totally grossed me out. But, since I don't eat pizza here, no problems.

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