Friday is my last day of work.
I'm not sure if I've shared this before, but I've served many a professional purpose over the course of my young life.
My first job was as an assistant to the activities director at a nursing home. I ran chair exercise activities to the tune of "the Atchison, Topeka and the Sante Fe" while my participants tried to keep their uppers securely in their gums. I loved it. That and the fact that I discovered a love for - nay, a passion for - low-sodium tomato soup AND macaroni salad while working a 4th of July picnic on the lawn there.
In my later years I worked at a Mom and Pop pharmacy. Well, it was a pharmacy and a card/balloon store. Did I mention that in the lower half of the store you could buy beer and wine? And that as an 18 year old I'd give out recommendations on the best white to share with Turkey Divan? Not sure if I talked about the part where I kept the humidor at Fahrenheit perfection and sold cigars with your Pampers and Amoxicillin. Or if I shared that the store security cameras were focused on the employees rather than the customers. Right.
I also was voted Class Flirt for my '91 senior superlatives, once made some MEAN mini-rum cakes in bundt formation, and have never had a cold sore.
Should you need assistance in any of the above areas, please feel free to contact me for employment.
I'm not sure if I've shared this before, but I've served many a professional purpose over the course of my young life.
My first job was as an assistant to the activities director at a nursing home. I ran chair exercise activities to the tune of "the Atchison, Topeka and the Sante Fe" while my participants tried to keep their uppers securely in their gums. I loved it. That and the fact that I discovered a love for - nay, a passion for - low-sodium tomato soup AND macaroni salad while working a 4th of July picnic on the lawn there.
In my later years I worked at a Mom and Pop pharmacy. Well, it was a pharmacy and a card/balloon store. Did I mention that in the lower half of the store you could buy beer and wine? And that as an 18 year old I'd give out recommendations on the best white to share with Turkey Divan? Not sure if I talked about the part where I kept the humidor at Fahrenheit perfection and sold cigars with your Pampers and Amoxicillin. Or if I shared that the store security cameras were focused on the employees rather than the customers. Right.
I also was voted Class Flirt for my '91 senior superlatives, once made some MEAN mini-rum cakes in bundt formation, and have never had a cold sore.
Should you need assistance in any of the above areas, please feel free to contact me for employment.
35 Comments:
Love it! You are hillarious!
And those mini-rum cakes sound KILLER... Way to pack in the random skillz, I only hope to become so masterful!
alannajoy
Not that I agree with cameras being pointed at employees, but just to throw in a word for the other side ... most theft from businesses occurs from employees. I believe that's what the stats say. Not that it justifies cameras ... I'm just sayin'. (I'm in a devil's advocate mood tonight.)
So... "last day of work" ... not sure what that means. You'll be living an independent lifestyle? Making a lateral employment move? Entering a convent? ... The reference seems a bit vague.
Not that you have to say, I'm just asking.
Kris,
your writing always makes me smile. Except when you write about something sad; then smiling would just be inappropriate, now wouldn't it?
Just stumbled upon you. Love it, girl...
I'm looking for an assistant.
One who can help us hold our extra lenses, film, and ward off goblins.
You interested?
It only pays in merlot, though.
Last day... sigh. Time to open a bottle of wine and spend the weekend in a drunken haze.
Actually, I am looking for a hot mama to keep my humidor in tip-top. Sadly, I can't match Jorge's offer of Merlot, but instead can pay with unlimited Boone's Farm.
Oh, the hangovers.
Hilarity. That is quite the resume - specifically the Farenheit perfection - you are too funny.
I'm sure the cigar thing alone is enough to get you work in this town.
Good luck with the job search. I found a new IT position in just a few weeks, so it does seem like the Balt/DC job market is heating up a bit.
I LOVE UR BLOG! UR SO FUNNY!
Mmmm, rum cakes. I wish you lived closer. I heard about someone looking for a class flirt.
P.S. You're the best!
haha! sounds like you've definitely had some interesting experiences.
i hope you find what you're looking for careerwise!!! good luck! :)
you are very employable! :)
you had me at low-sodium tomato soup....
I'd like to see that resume...
I suggest voice-over work for animation. Rumour has it, you leave a mean voicemail.
Happy last day of work! Go out and have a well-deserved piss up.
Did I miss the post where it said that you quit, resigned, got fired, or got laid off?! Kris!
I just had the pleasure of eating an entire rum cake during my christmas break home. That said, if you make me rum cakes (with Bacardi Gold) I'll pay you in S&Vs.
Glad I'm looking for work on the west coast and don't have to compete with your diverse qualifications!
Do we need to scrounge up a piece of cardboard and a magic marker and for a "Will Blog for Food" sign?
Make sure you write your resignation letter in urine while you stand on your desk before you leave tonight. Try not to overuse the term "sonsabitches."
Seriously, be well.
Last day of work? Cool (I think).
Soooo...you've taken a job at Starbucks?
I'm so confused.
I'M PREGNANT AND I WANT A RUM CAKE. How about making a cross-country flight, Ms. Kris?
I'll pass along the Help Wanteds when I'm done with them...
And I hate to admit this, but I am still killing myself over what show the Rizcheks were referenced in. You mentioned it in a blog, and I've been running that "We're having dinner with the Rizcheks" line through my head since then, and can't for the life of me place the voice. I even Googled... to no avail. Help a sista out.
Well hell! I believe you mentioned a $hitload of layoffs in your department a while back, but like the others I'm surprised and at a loss here. I hope you've got a backup plan and can take a bit of time to regroup before heading out there into the cold, cruel world. At any rate, all the best to you in whatever happens!
Yo, I hear there's a drunk woman running this blog with CAPS lock problems. I just came for the show.
I hear Egan's drunk and running around with a CRAPS lock problem (he's constipated again). But I, too, just came for the show. (Hi Egan)
the no cold sore thing makes me want to make out with you. In a very hetro way.
If your CAPs remain locked for more than four hours, please seek immediate medical attention.
Is this blog hosting an orgy?
only if i'm unemployed for long enough.
LOL. I love it! You were quite the handy employee. I'm sure we'll definetly be able to find somewhere to put your talents to good use.
Oh God, you kill me.
I'm dreading writing my next resume--anyone looking for a media monitoring bartending dinner theatre singing black jack dealer who can also cartoon on the side? Good, because I'm your woman. Also I went to cooking school a long time ago.
The rum cake recipe is in demand. Time to produce it. I worked with a woman who must have weighed 70 pounds. Another coworker brought a scotch cake to work, bundt shape, and we all said to the petite one "M" who couldn't leave it alone, "Why not just wear it around your neck, and you can eat your way out of it.?" There ya go. Cake Love as jewelery. Mini rum bundt bracelets.
It's obvious you're overqualified for most positions. Be strong and patient, girlie.
Actually, now that I have not a clue what you really do...I used to work in the people placing industry, and still have good contacts in dc. Please email me (if you want), and I'll hook ya up with my peeps.
:)
Kris. I'd like to take this opportunity to mention that I think you're really cool. Yes, that's the right word. You are one cool cat.
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