Did I mention we have the Garden State in common?

Dear Peter,

I am so happy you could make it. I trust that the accommodations I set up for you in the Tupperware storage box under my bed are up to your expectations. As we discussed while you were in the trunk of my Sentra, I will do my best to make your tenure as my Underrated & Neglected Forced Actor In Residence (UNFAIR) valuable. (And definitely more worthwhile than Flight Plan.)

I hope I didn’t frighten you when I put that hood on you so swiftly at Au Bon Pain. I neglected then to tell you of the prestige that accompanies this new role. Know that this honor is one for which you must be chosen, as others including Timothy Hutton (UNFAIR, ’80), John Cusack (’87, ’99 and '05), Hank Azaria (’00) were before you. Many actors, meeting neither the underrated nor the enticing nor the endearing requirements (see Ethan Hawke, circa Before Sunrise) have been turned away despite their frenzied pleas.

Each morning I will provide you with a schedule of the day’s activities. Potential activities will include, but will not be limited to:

· You pseudo-chastizing me – while wearing only a flat cap and chewing on a Cross pen – for plagiarizing all of my blog entries, Stephen Glass style. Bad Kris.

· You. Brooding.

· You writing Mrs. Kris Sarsgaard 250-300 times in provided composition notebook. This will be followed by you using big words like “acquiesce” and “evidentiary” and “morose” whole looking off into space.

· Full re-enactment of full frontal nudity a la Kinsey.

· You laying around without your shirt on. Holding my cats. While I paint a Titanic-like portrait of you.

· Fountain soda breaks/Impromptu movie kiss sessions.

· More Brooding.

· Working on your positive professional self-talk, utilizing such phrases as “I am NOT the poor woman’s Paul Newman.” (Please note that this did wonders for my 2002 UNFAIR, Colin Firth.) World acting domination/our wedding is sure to soon follow.

So just relax and try not to cover your air holes.

With love and admiration,
Kris