January 22, 2006
Did I mention we have the Garden State in common?
Dear Peter,

I am so happy you could make it. I trust that the accommodations I set up for you in the Tupperware storage box under my bed are up to your expectations. As we discussed while you were in the trunk of my Sentra, I will do my best to make your tenure as my Underrated & Neglected Forced Actor In Residence (UNFAIR) valuable. (And definitely more worthwhile than Flight Plan.)

I hope I didn’t frighten you when I put that hood on you so swiftly at Au Bon Pain. I neglected then to tell you of the prestige that accompanies this new role. Know that this honor is one for which you must be chosen, as others including Timothy Hutton (UNFAIR, ’80), John Cusack (’87, ’99 and '05), Hank Azaria (’00) were before you. Many actors, meeting neither the underrated nor the enticing nor the endearing requirements (see Ethan Hawke, circa Before Sunrise) have been turned away despite their frenzied pleas.

Each morning I will provide you with a schedule of the day’s activities. Potential activities will include, but will not be limited to:

· You pseudo-chastizing me – while wearing only a flat cap and chewing on a Cross pen – for plagiarizing all of my blog entries, Stephen Glass style. Bad Kris.

· You. Brooding.

· You writing Mrs. Kris Sarsgaard 250-300 times in provided composition notebook. This will be followed by you using big words like “acquiesce” and “evidentiary” and “morose” whole looking off into space.

· Full re-enactment of full frontal nudity a la Kinsey.

· You laying around without your shirt on. Holding my cats. While I paint a Titanic-like portrait of you.

· Fountain soda breaks/Impromptu movie kiss sessions.

· More Brooding.

· Working on your positive professional self-talk, utilizing such phrases as “I am NOT the poor woman’s Paul Newman.” (Please note that this did wonders for my 2002 UNFAIR, Colin Firth.) World acting domination/our wedding is sure to soon follow.

So just relax and try not to cover your air holes.

With love and admiration,
Kris

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43 Comments:

Blogger babyjewels said...

Anything I want to say is overshadow by the fact that I really want to say Number One, bitches.

Oh, we don't say bitches here. I'm used to hanging out on low brow blogs. My bad.

my unfair is Jared Leto and/or James Marsters. Why can't they get good roles. so yummy.

Now, will Peter have internet access to be able to read this letter? :)

You really are a scary girl. And I won't pretend to understand the premise of this letter. ...so I'm not sure why I'm so amused. But I am.

Anonymous Jurgen Nation said...

This is my favorite post of yours. I would like to make out with Peter Saarsgaard. I heart him. He is wonderful and dreamy. And he just looks smart, like someone who wouldn't drink Natty Light. Someone you could talk to. Sigh. Will you share?

PS: SAAAARRRRRRRSGAAAAAARRRRRD!

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

oh dear, I hope you didn't break poor Colin f?

Blogger Kim said...

He's mine bitch. Back off.

Blogger nabbalicious said...

Oh, did I neglect to mention that he's my husband?

Swoon!

Excellent idea! I wonder if they make tupperware big enough to house Vincent D'Noforio?

Sarsgaard?!?

You like ole "Droopy-eyes", monotone delivery, Sarsgaard?

I don't even know who you are anymore.

Blogger t2ed said...

Liar! You've got Jeremy Piven locked in an underwear drawer too.

This can be the only plausible reason why there are no new episodes of Entourage forthcoming until June.

Blogger afromabq said...

How do you do it? I swear I have to re-read your posts at least twice to catch even half of your funnies! He is sweet, but Edgar Ramirez (Domino) will now forever be my UNFAIR.

Anonymous Jorge said...

Wow.
I guess we know the movie version of your life will have Cathy Bates playing the role of Kris.

Excellent.

J

Blogger Keith said...

I didn't know you know Kevin Federline! Way cool...

Blogger Sizzle said...

you lucky bitch. he is delicious. be good to him.

;) sizz

Blogger Finn said...

Now why didn't I think of that? I've got room under my bed. Hmm. Come to think of it, I've room in my bed, too.

Who to choose?

Blogger jenn said...

Hmmmmm... the bare feet really are a nice touch. Be sure to have those factor into one of the daily tasks!

Blogger Dave said...

Another of your stipulations should be that he changes his last name to something easier to pronounce. Jonze, maybe?

P.S. You got shut out at the Bloggies. Don't worry, I've told them that I'm coming and hell's coming with me.

Blogger Amanda said...

i heart peter, too. i never knew this was something that other people felt for him as well. sweetie, i won't stand between you though. you clearly have staked your claim. he always struck me as a little ambiguously gay until jarhead. loved him in jarhead. a very uncharacteristic role for him. i was proud. shattered glass. also quite good.

I actually shelled out money on The Skeleton Key for Sarsgaard.... and he was worth it.

Blogger Cheryl said...

Lol! I would love to be able to do that with some of my favorites.

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

Classic! I totally want to see the portrait when it's finished. Cats, fountain soda, pep talks-- doesn't sound like captivity to me!

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

How about we clone him??

Blogger Marissa said...

I so love Peter, too. Love, love, love. LOVE. :)

Blogger Candace said...

I would be jealous, but I've already got Gerard Butler and Daniel Craig stuffed under my bed and there's no more room. Those guys are way tall!

Blogger Candace said...

OK, I am jealous about Colin Firth. Did you use him all up?

Blogger Maliavale said...

Smoldering. Peter "Smoldering" Sarsgaard. Be still my heart.

Blogger sassyassy said...

Perhaps Peter should do the full frontal nudity while you paint him...or would that be too distracting?

Blogger missbhavens said...

Drive slowly...you have a precious package in that trunk of yours. You don't want to bruise it.

Anonymous your beau said...

This should concern me, but I'm too busy trying to locate Famke Janssen. When I do, she will make me breakfast every morning (famcakes) and she will regularly use poker phrases like "flop the nut straight."

Blogger mamalujo1 said...

I tagged you, now you have to curse me and go to my blog to see what to do! Hah!

Blogger Complacent Chase said...

He is so delicious! I just love his intensity and humor (as displayed on SNL). I will fight you for him, Kris! Hime and John Cusack! yumm...

Blogger Complacent Chase said...

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Blogger Complacent Chase said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger NARDAC said...

I just went to my favourite french restaurant, where the owner is this Dennis Hopper lookalike, except his jaw is somehow more elegant. He winked, I dribbled and then he threw the cat up in the air. I'm so drunk now. I hope he buys me a BMW.

So, Saarsgard... ha! Like that Matthew MacFayden guy better... y'know... from the new Pride and Prejudice. hoooo sstsss tutter!

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

Hey Kris I tagged you over at my place. Meme on Perfect Partners....Bridg

Blogger Bill said...

This guy looks like a layabout. A n'er-do-well! Tell him to get off the bed and get a damn job. Quit living off his wife's inheritance!

Those pretty boys are all the same. And they go to fat too. Just watch!

Blogger Egan said...

You are so clever Kris. I wish I was half as creative as you. Go Peter!

Blogger Megarita said...
Blogger Namaste said...

Wow, you too?

Hysterical!

Blogger JJ said...

Shades of "Misery".

Blogger Bill said...

JJ - Now THAT's funny!

Anonymous Jurgen Nation said...

Is it sad that I come here to see Petey and have a secondary interest in whether you post? Could you put Petey in the martini glass? Mmmm...a Petey Martini. I'll have a double.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very cool design! Useful information. Go on! film editing classes

Anonymous Anonymous said...

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