May 9, 2007
urine trouble
I sass a lot. At least I try. I sass when I walk, I sass when I blog, I sass when I’m three Pinots deep and I’m asking random DC tourists if the man on my arm looks like he really measures 6’2”.

And so it was on Tuesday afternoon, when at noon I sashayed my way down a work lobby hallway, sassing to and fro in a pair of wide-legged black pants that I was sure encapsulated my life as the poor man’s Carrie Bradshaw. But on one step down my self-assured runway, the heel of my right shoe caught in my left pant cuff. And I spiraled, and I slid, and I skated along the shiny tile, eventually and most thankfully catching myself. Others watched in horror.

But none was as horrified as I. Because as I turned and I twirled and I twisted, not all remained intact. For in the split second before I recovered, time stood still and a portion of my life flashed before me (the young part), and truth be told to God and Oprah: I tinkled.

It wasn't a lot, like when you actually stick to Weight Watchers and drink 248 ounces of water each hour. And it wasn't really even a little, like a five year old who shivers poolside like a deer in headlights. I was able to recover and hold my head high and say with varying degrees of certainty that I had not wet myself. But it was enough for me to know it had happened.

And it was enough for me to spend the remainder of the day wondering, sans even a remote element of sass, just how far in my future blue plate specials, sitz baths, and the pursuit of hairy youth cocoons really are .

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42 Comments:

Blogger Skyzi said...

As long as you can laugh about it!

Blogger janet said...

hahahah...I have to say I love you even more for having the guts to share this story.

Blogger t2ed said...

And I always thought making someone tinkle just a little when they read my blog was a really outstanding thing. Turns out it's just like making someone trip.

For your own dignity, please do not sneeze today.

Blogger H said...

hahaaa. oh man. we've all been there. not all of us have the courage to share such experiences, but let it be known, it happens to everyone. and it definitely cuts back on the sassing, until you change into a clean pair of course.

Blogger Freckled said...

That will likely be the best thing I hear all day - perhaps all week! Thanks!

Blogger Mrs. Who said...

OH, honey, we have all been there. And...uh...hate to tell you, but it only gets worse. You don't want to know what's it like after you have two kids, you are over 50 and someone makes you give one of those gut-busting laughs. I'm not at the Depends stage yet, but I do tinkle a little myself sometimes. Welcome to the women's club.

Blogger Gwen said...

You don't know how this cheers me to hear: I thought this only happened to the non-Kegel performing old mothers trying to skip rope with their younguns.

Don't worry; we'll all be here to help you find your teeth.

Blogger Itinerant Agonist said...

I have this odd feeling that if Paris Hilton did this, all of a sudden it would become all the rage?

Blogger Jo said...

Oh that is hysterical! I'm so sorry! Funnily enough, I'd be more embarassed by the fall than the accidental tinkle. No one has to know about the tinkle, but everyone saw you fall.

Blogger beckygargan said...

Oh god! I hate when that happens.


--You've been tagged! Read http://fullfiguredfashionista.wordpress.com/2007/05/08/freeze-tag/ to find out what your mission is, should you choose to accept it.

Blogger Sizzle said...

that is so something i would do. . .the falling not the tinkling. ;)

Blogger DCchick said...

oh, I can't even tell you how many times my heel has caught the cuff of my pants.

I don't wear cuffed pants because of it.

Blogger lisa q. said...

i cough, i do the same thing; i sneeze, same thing...then there's the part where my heel got caught in the hem of my damn jeans this morning...i'm just glad i managed to recover before i hit the ground...and tinkled...

Hahaha that's happened to me before.

Here's a story to make you feel better: When I was in high school I didn't have a car. Didn't matter because I didn't have my license, either. My junoir year I started a new school (ok, my 1st high school but it's a long story why I didn't go to school for 9th & 10th grades) in a new town. I remember one rainy spring day ascending the steps of the bus with a popular boy in 9th or 10th grade behind me. I was strutting down the steps and whoosh! My feet slipped out from under me and I flew down the last 3 or 4 steps of the bus and landed in dog shit at the bottom.
Quite embarassing. Almost as embarassing as the time I sat in dog shit waiting for the bus but didn't realise until I got to school and had to call my mum for a change of clothes and a different bag for my books.


Damn. Longest. Comment. Ever.

Blogger whoorl said...

You know things are going downhill fast with a title like that...

Blogger EDW said...

OMG, that is my fear - listen, I know it's a stupid thing to live in fear of, but whatever. I have a very shallow life. I have a kid and it's still never happened, and I sort of hope that I have escaped it somehow, but still I fear.

Perhaps I need to learn to laugh at myself? Yeah, I'm thinking that might be a good idea. Do you give lessons in not taking yourself so seriously? Please? :-)

Blogger I-66 said...

Great. So now everytime I hear someone say "I think I peed a little"...

1) I'm going to associate it with you

2) I'm going to wonder whether they did, indeed, pee a little.

I loved the title of this entry, "urine trouble" because it can be read as "you're in trouble"

Love the blog - I've started reading regularly.

(I trip on pants cuffs regularly - hence why I often wear skirts instead)

Blogger Kim said...

What? No talk of what the lentils did to you?

Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

Okay, a few years back I totally stepped my three inch heeled boot into the massive cuff of my wool slacks while ascending a flight of stairs in a JCrew. It had brain trauma written all over it. I recovered though sans sass and sans grace. But tinkle? (shaking head back and forth with disappointment) You are thisclose to eating dinner at 4pm.

Blogger Matt said...

Glad you had a nice trip. :)

Blogger whiskeymarie said...

I used to think it was funny that I could make one of my friends pee a little on a regular basis through my sophisticated, yet crude, humor. Now when it happens to me...

O.k, it's still funny.

But I'm doing Kegels right now, just, you know, for fun.

p.s. As long as you don't break your arm or knock out a tooth (o.k, even if you do) falling is always hi-larious. Sorry.
I fall down all the time, if it helps. Even when I'm not drunk.

Blogger Alison said...

Oh good. When I mentioned peeing my pants on my blog the other day, it was not a figure of speech. I laughed so hard I tinkled. Except I didn't have the balls to admit it on the blog. Well. I guess I just admitted it here.

Anyway. I'm doing Kegels now, too.

Blogger brookem said...

i love that you shared this story! you rock.
i had an "accident" in cvs the other day. i feel your pain.

Blogger Zandria said...

Oh, the wonderful things that happen to bring us back down to earth. They're so great. :)

Blogger Amaya said...

The high price of fashion. I made a similar mistake recently. Only my hallway was a cement stairwell at a parking garage and instead of co-workers it was my dad and 2 strangers. And instead of peeing myself, I cried like a baby.
The pants were ruined but I can't say I'm upset - they had it coming to them. I hate those pants!

Blogger Amy said...

It's amazing how many people you've inspired to do their Kegels today...I know I'm one of them.

I frequently fall down, and I've occasionally accidentally tinkled, but I've yet to combine the two.

Blogger J said...

Yeah, I trip over my pants at least once EVERY SINGLE TIME I wear cuffed pants. No tinkle though, so I've got that going for me.

Blogger kitkat said...

Nothing like knowing you've inspired us to Kegel.

I say, be glad it was just pee, and if you hadn't told all of us, no one would have to know. You could have farted in all that commotion.

Blogger Marissa said...

oh man!!!! horrific, yes...but it's happened to me too! we're only human, afterall. i love that you (and i guess now i) can share these things with the blogging community at large!

Blogger Christine said...

Really, it's a good thing you aren't having kids. It would be ALL over then.

*kegel*

Blogger Mama G said...

Although I've never tinkled as a result or horror and humiliation, I definitely don't lack in the tinkle time department.

Ah, well - if we can't laugh at ourselves, eh?

http://chaoscontrol.wordpress.com

Blogger Jen Magnuson said...

Aack - I have such empathy for you. Four children have roosted on my bladder, and I am now a shell of woman. A shell that pees at inopportune times. Stick with cats.

Blogger Kelly said...

Like what DC said, but the other way around... Except I still tinkle. I don't have the writing skillz you do to make it funny, though, so I just don't talk about it!

ps - This is NOT Kelly. Promise! (Dang you and your lack of anons!)

Blogger KB said...

OOhhh big love to you for sharing!!!


<3 <3 <3

Blogger Dave said...

Wow, I think I'm the only guy here.

I (and many guys) leak. Happens. No biggie.

Blogger Matt said...

You're going to make someone an awesome second wife. :)

Blogger Dave said...

Well, haven't we just entered a whole new arena of sharing?

I miss the old arena. It was a little less share-y.

Blogger Jorge said...

Dave's just upset because he full out gushes pee all the time.

Even when he's sleeping.

Poor guy.

ok, I can't stop laughing about asking passers-by if your date is as tall as he says he is. SO FUNNY! ...mostly because it sounds like something I would do after a couple glasses of wine :)

Blogger Mia said...

gotta love a story that can make ya laugh about out loud about pee heheheh.. HEY, that was even kinda funny to type!

you go girl.. tinkle on :::laughing:::

gotta go now, time for my pill ::laughing::

Blogger Neil said...

And this is why you are so loveable!

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