May 2, 2007
an open letter to dudes
dear dude,

you know how you have preferences about things? like how you like hardee's way more than arby's, and how you are the only man on the planet who still wears tightie whities given that you like how they "swaddle your junk"? right, well me not wanting to have kids is so much more than that.

you know how you just know in your heart that you want to live your life with both of your testicles? it's like that.

and how you know in your heart that the Redskins are number 1 even though they really never are? it's like that.

okay, let's recap.

i don't want to bear your children.
i don't want to raise the ones you currently have, whether they are five or 15.
and i don't want to adopt them from malawi with you.

you not listening to me is just like when the boys in the 8th grade locker room wouldn't hear it that you weren't gay.

you aren't going to change me, much like i won't change your god awful decision to name one of your cats after a lord of the rings character.

good luck with your pursuit of a barefoot woman,
kris

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38 Comments:

Blogger Keith said...

OMG, I laughed so hard...poor guy...
he can't help that he's a knuckle dragger.

Sounds like a bad date, though.

Blogger playfulinnc said...

oh baby jesus and little baby buddah.

Please tell me you didn't actually go out with this one.

Blogger Jo said...

Where do you find these men?

Really, I want to know so I can stay far far away.

Blogger The Cajun Boy said...

note taken.

Blogger Wicked H said...

Oy. Vey!

Next!!!!

Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

I think I just shot a piece of roasted turkey out my left nostril.

You're my hero.

Blogger Keith said...

Gollum or Frodo? We must know the cat's name...

Blogger Jürgen Nation said...

Not as good as shooting turkey, but I just shot pop through my nose and then swallowed the mixture of snot and pop. Hi.

It's posts like these that make me want to bear YOUR cats. ;)

Blogger t2ed said...

Please don't mock lil kitty, Bilbo.

He's not very well adjusted since he had to give up his Precious.

Blogger whoorl said...

HEY-EL NO!

Blogger Sizzle said...

legolas?

i do not miss dating.

Blogger Beth said...

I love your label: "Stuff that's wrong with everbody else"... I might, just might, have to steal it.

And it's so appropriate for this posting!

Blogger Tina said...

Oh...so I see you found my ex. So sorry. Would have warned you, had I known.

Blogger Lord Fondleberries said...

do i seem the type who eats at arby's or hardees or anything -y's, -ies, or -ees? sheesh.

lovin your cats, but only through the windows,

lord f

Blogger steve said...

Really... tighty-whities are strikes one, two AND three. How the hell can he wear them past 6th grade?

Blogger Mama G said...

Tighty whities? So very, very wrong. Wrong and just plain icky.

http://chaoscontrol.wordpress.com

Blogger janet said...

hmmm so you are telling me you don't like the baby name game? :) (see my embarrassing post) - men and listening don't seem to work together so well.

Blogger JoJo said...

Oh my God, Kris! Tightie whities? Really? Please tell me that things hadn't progressed to the point you actually saw them on the doofus? If so, how did you stop yourself from laughing out loud in hysterics and pointing at the offending item?

Blogger globalchameleon said...

"Swaddle his junk"? Is this an actual real-life quote re: aforementioned tighty-whiteys? That's classic!

Blogger globalchameleon said...

"Swaddle his junk"? Is this an actual real-life quote re: aforementioned tighty-whiteys? That's classic!

Blogger Jessica said...

Oh. Dear. God.

Run, run quickly, run in a direction that he is not........

Blogger EDW said...

Hi-larious. Like Billy Joel says, go ahead with your own life, leave me alone.

Blogger abbersnail said...

Ain't dating great? Yeah, I hate it, too.

Blogger lisa q. said...

lord god! will they never learn! they only hear what they want to hear...and even that gets all muddled up and shit when they're tiny lil brains try to process it...

Blogger whiskeymarie said...

Things that are a good indicator that you've given up & really, really need to take yourself out of the gene pool:
*Tightie usually-not-so whities.
*Naming your cat "Frodo".
*Only dating women you think might be a nice new "baby's mommy" for little Trevor, or Taylor, or Tyler, or WHATEVER.
*Informing said woman of this aspiration during your first date.

Sheesh.
Sorry for your dating loss.
My condolences.

Blogger JordanBaker said...

Anyone who names a cat--or anything else--after a Tolkien character shouldn't be allowed to breed. Do him a favor and remove one of those testicles.

Blogger kitkat said...

I hate how people think we're the weird ones when we say we don't want kids, and that maybe we just haven't been exposed to enough of 'em or something.

This guy sounds like a real winner.

Haha sweet post.

I decided LONG ago that I am only bearing a child if 1. the dad is a hot asian guy and 2. .... that's it. Only if I know my kid will be half hot asian.

Blogger Jorge said...

YOU LEAVE FRODO MCGANDALF ARAGORN IV ESQ. OUT OF THIS!

Blogger Kate said...

OMG. No matter how cute this guy is, he's crazy. I had a guy tell me that he "sucked a dick once in college."

I was like, "WHAT?"

He was like, "How did I know that I wasn't gay?"

I'm like, "Check please, motherfucker."

These things that he was saying to you like the tighty whities and the cat name are more subtle but apparently are the next level of dating expertise. Sweet. Thanks for the warning, sweet wino.

Blogger liv said...

seriously, sister. i've got kids and many, many days i think, WTF????

rest assured, i am the friend who says to other friends: having children is not a moral imperative.

bucking this notion in the deep south is tough stuff. i lift my glass to you.

Blogger Lindystar said...

"pursuit of a barefoot woman,"

BBWWWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

Sounds like ole kris needs to piss off.

Blogger kris said...

In the interest of full disclosure this is not a single dude - this is more a caricature of the AT LEAST five guys who as of late have told me I'll regret it if I don't have children, or raising their 15 year olds won't be as bad as having my own children . . . ugh. UGH! Maddening. But no, I have never dated the hypothetical guy I describe here. Thank God.

Blogger bandick said...

Oh, Kate! Once, in the heat of the moment, my lame attempt at dirty talk was to ask my then-boyfriend about his sexual fantasies...

He said, "I've always wanted to know what it would be like to suck another guy off."

It was then, at that very moment, that I asked him if he'd ever considered that he might be gay.

Blogger egan said...

me caveman, me want kids. Me thinks you change your mind. Me have ways to warp minds. Me thinks this routine stinks. God bless.

Blogger Kim said...

Take back what you said about the Redskins or I'm never talking to you again.

Blogger Laurie said...

this post made me so happy not to be single...

Blogger Matt said...

Thanks.

I'm sure that if worse comes to worse I can either import one or pay a Third World woman for the honor.

:)

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