April 24, 2007
Conundrum
So, you’re dating. And you are starting to meet people and extract cute Spring clothes from the back of the closet. You actually care what the heels of your feet look like and no longer forget to brush your teeth before bed. You’ve fielded enough invitations to share some ridiculous accounts, ones that make the married folk hold each other a little tighter and the single friends wish they’d married that semi-attractive childhood neighbor.

Like a girl does, you pull your circle of friends close, regaling them with tales from the dark side. You stay out late and giggle and do shots of whatever the bartender has on hand, toasting the loser who didn’t call or the one who’ll never know he was such a bad kisser. Only your circle of friends expands beyond San Fran and Seattle and Cincinnati and just happens to include a little thing called the Internet, and like any girl and her long-distance pals do, you find a way to share most everything with them: a bed of fire ants, a best friend’s pulmonary emboli, a trip to the Belize, the fact that you go to the grocery store once every three months, your father’s illness, kissing your cats on the mouth, not looking at the back of your hair in a mirror, cooing and kissing a date so long in a corner booth that you close the place. You indeed share most everything with them.

But you envision a time down the road, when one date turns to six and suddenly you and a man are coupled. And he knows about this little site that consumes more hours than he currently does and he’s curious. He asks politely and you want to share. So you do. And suddenly the period of Before Him emerges, resplendent with details about "Stephen" and the smooches and the Syrah that ultimately led you to this spot. The particulars that in reverse are purely hypotheticals are instead laid out for him, just as they were for the Internet, in 11-point font. Innocent and mildly entertaining tales of months (and sweet God and Oprah, hopefully not years) as a single city girl become the ever-present memory lane photo album a new partner’s mom leaves out for you to see. It’s all there, just as you once so deliberately intended it to be.

You can see the future. So do you put the present out there in the first place?


51 Comments:

Blogger Lord Fondleberries said...

wow, way to update right in front of my face. i was grabbing some text for your previous post and came back and saw this. damn, you so fast.

lord f

Blogger EDW said...

Yes. You do. Because you live life authentically and the future-man who loves you loves this about you.

And, as a much older and wiser family friend told me when I wrote something I shouldn't have on my blog, it's your blog and you get to write what you feel. If that's your reality, write it.

Blogger JordanBaker said...

You write the present once, live out the future and all of its accompanient consequences, and then decide what to do from there on based on what you learned.

So deep, I actually have think hard of a response.
So. Hard. At. 813am. -_-

Write what you want. I've had my parents find my blog and call me about and say they were worried because I posted 1 post about this or that and I say, "If you don't like what you read, don't read it. Also, please never, ever tell me you read my blog. Ever. OKthanksbye."

I haven't had to do the whole telling a guy you have a blog thing because the only guy I've slept with since I've had my blog also had one and that just makes me sound slutty. But either way, don't be ashamed of your blog or what you write. I love your blog because it (seems) real. You don't create a fake "personality" like so many do for their blogs. I hate that; it's so lame.

Blogger t2ed said...

Could he really understand you without reading this?

If you don't think someone can handle your bloggy truth, you could make every post full of intrigue, adventures and stuff out of Indiana Jones movies.

Blogger Gwen said...

First of all, YAY for future hope.

Secondly, as an outside (although clearly not impartial) observer, I don't find anything crazily objectionable here. You're honest and real, not batshit. The man who loves you will appreciate your cat lip kissing and affection for wine and all the other things that make you wonderful you. And that's all that's here. Don't sweat it.

Anonymous Jorge said...

Why wouldn't you?

Besides the whole "he should love you for all of who you are crap"...

You are the sum of your parts. You shouldn't hide one of 'em.

:)

It's like trying to get to third base while blindfolded and wearing earplugs.

Interpret that as you will.

Blogger kris said...

All great points, per usual, party people. I'm not worried so much that he sees who I am, because wysiwyg, as you all know with me. I am worried that he will be forced to read the chronicles of my dating life. I wouldn't want to read his, if that makes sense.

Blogger Sizzle said...

he can skip those posts, kris.

this is a part of you and he will embrace it as he does you if he is up to par for our beloved kris.

corner booth making out? hawt! ;)

I'd say it's up to him. You wouldn't want to read his, but you'd want the option to, right? I would want to know that I could know those things, but that doesn't mean that I would actually want to know them...

I'm not sure if that makes much sense though. Sorry, coffee hasn't kicked in...

Blogger Jenny said...

He can't think that you would have gotten into your 30's just sitting at home with your cats waiting for him, because if he thought you were that person, he probably wouldn't be here. He has to realize these previous trials exist to make you who you are. Does he want to read them? Probably yes and no. Ever curious, but maybe smart enough to know he may not want the details and will leave it alone.
That being said, the hubs and I have never discussed details of previous relationships besides the people we both were dating when we originally met. This is because I know that conversation would go kind of like it did with Judd Nelson and Ally Sheedy in St Elmo's fire: You slept with Kevin! You slept with many! Yes, but nameless, faceless many!
This is not a conversation I wanted to have.

Blogger Jo said...

So you had boyfriends and dates before him. If he has a problem with that he's not right for you. Every person you date shapes you into the person you've become today, into the person he apparently likes quite a bit. So if he *does* have a problem with it, which I doubt, that's for him to deal with. If I were him, the only thing I'd ask is that your relatioship not be chronicled here, more of a privacy issue than anything.

Blogger Maurey Pierce said...

Get it all out.

Blogger TrappedInColorado said...

I know of what you speak. I do not tell any of my dates about this blog just for that reason. Very insightful. Well written. Do you live near Reston?

Blogger Maliavale said...

Have I mentioned lately that I love the way you write? I do. It's just really very lovely.

As far as the question goes, I've always played it on a case-by-case basis, and I think it depends on how close you want to bring the guy in eventually. Sharing is a sign of trust. And wouldn't he be disappointed if you didn't write about him? I say write what you want, share when you're ready, and feel free to take down some posts before you share if you need to. ;-)

Blogger Kelly said...

Maybe Future Man (sounds like a superhero.... HEY! Maybe he WILL be a superhero!) will have stumbled across your blog, read through your archives, and fallen madly, insanely, not creepily, in love with you... and then you begin dating. And it's great. Because he knows you. Not in a stalker way, but in a "has-a-true-sense-of-you-and-what-you've-been-through" kind of way.

Why would you want to edit or omit the dating trials and tribulations if that's what he loves about you? He would see you as the girl who dated funny men, had a broken heart and healed, and was stronger/better/the awesomest person EVER for it.

Anonymous whoorl said...

I agree with Sizzle- he can skip those (that is, if he can pull himself away).

I say go for it.

Blogger Love Monkey said...

No. Hell no.

There is no need to reveal all.

But since he's knows about this, I guess it's too late...I mean if you say, no you can't read my blog then he's going to be imagining all kinds of things - you know stuff that's in those "other blogs."

Blogger Neil said...

Who wants to date a girl who ISN'T interesting and fun, and a little bit of a lush? If I were you. I would be bringing your laptop on a first date and showing off your blog.

Blogger brookem said...

you have a way of writing your thoughts that make it SO easy to read and follow and just LOVE. i love your writing. ya ive said it before and ill probably say it a ton times more.

anyway- good question and for the love of baby jesus i sure as hell dont know the answer. i just wrote a post a couple weeks or so ago about a new guy i was dating and how i wasnt totally feeling "it"... or that something was missing. but now i do feel it. and now what? what if he read that post from back then? isn't that kind of, i dunno, rough to read? i wouldnt want to. i dont know the answer.

Blogger Amaya said...

I guess it depends on what you're hoping to get out of this. For me, I don't put everything on my blog because I know that things change and I don't want proof of my previous opinions regarding certain things (does that even make sense?). But from what I can tell, you throw caution to the wind and put your heart out there. And that's refreshing.
(Warning: corny alert) Have you heard the song "Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts? I like the lyrics but not so much the song (again, if that makes sense).

Blogger Winters said...

Hello. It's my first visit here, via Melissavina.

This is a great post. Very well written!

And as for putting the present out there, I say if it's worth saying, then it's worth reading, so yes, do it! (But maybe keeping it secret from the love interest is a good thing, at least for a while...) :)

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

I personally choose not to write about dating for this very reason. I've written a little about the break-up, and times when I've kissed a boy when it was just that, but there is definitely more happening in my love life than anyone could ascertain by reading my blog.

You don't write very much about men to begin with, so I can't imagine your having to change the content of your blog. The way you handle with grace and humor even the silly or stupid things that happen to you says far more about you than the silly things themselves, and that's what your blog reveals. :)

Blogger Skyzi said...

If he reads the past, its on him. Who you are now is because of those past experiences....but having someones past at your fingertips is so tempting!

This is tricky, but if he had asked you about your past relationships you would have told him what he wanted to hear?? No?!?

Blogger whiskeymarie said...

I had a VERY full and colorful dating past (o.k, I was a bit of a slut- no apologies), and I never try to hide it from the Mr.

Of course, his dating past is ZERO compared to mine, but whenever it comes up, or I run into an ex, or whatever...I never try to hide it.
Honesty won't bite you in the ass later, at least not the way "omitting" things will, my dear.
Glad to hear there's a boy in the picture- now I won't worry about you turning into the "crazy cat lady" on the Simpsons.
XO

As nice as it maybe to let the person closet to us see the real us....sometimes they can't handle it. Most people don't really want the unadulterated truth. It's best to keep some things a secret. Adds a bit of mystery.

Blogger Rebecca said...

Be careful what you write. It's out there. Anyone can read it, whether you want them to or not.

Think of all the people who could read it, and ask yourself, "Would I tell them all this information without the blog?"

Anonymous Jem said...

Just happened upon your blog a few weeks ago. You have a great writing style, and your entries often make me laugh out loud.

I've thought about this before....

I would never let the idea of it stop me from writing truthfully, because otherwise, why even bother? But sometimes I do omit details (although not enough, probably) just in case, God forbid, any of the people about whom I write ever happen upon my blog.

But I don't think I would voluntarily lead a guy to my blog. To me it would feel like letting him read my diary, which, if I had one, I would most definitely not let him do.

Blogger lisa q. said...

OMG! one date turns to six? that really happens...woohoo! damn, i can't wait...

absolutely...as so many others have said it's you, the real you, the one he should fall in love with you...write, write, write the blogs...

Blogger Maya said...

Hmmmmm.... food for thought. Scott doesn't like it when I talk about him /our relationship too much - but that's *our* deal. If it turns into something...you'll have to address it one way or the other. For now - he can skip the, erm, archives that have that kind of stuff in them.

Blogger snoopy said...

I think it should remain your private area to express your thoughts about whatever you want. Even in the most open of relationships I think it's important for people to maintain just a little tiny part that is just for themselves.

Anonymous deana said...

Sooooo - you're dating someone?

Anonymous gorillabuns said...

as i quote from some hokey-assed show tune, "getting to know you, getting to know all about you..."

if he can't love ALL of you then he's simply not worthy sharing a glass of pino with.

Blogger Desiree said...

I heard something like this once: You both put your sh** out there and if neither of you runs, then you stay. ;)

Blogger Melina said...

I'd say put it out there...My blog made John and I come closer together--although he can quote the archives like no other!

Blogger A Unique Alias said...

Being in the unique position of a dual-blogger relationship, my fiancee and I have each looked into the past at one point or another.

The only thing that has come of it, I think, is productive discussion and insight into the other. What they perceive, how they act when they feel a certain way, etc etc.

Blogger MKD said...

I'm against people reading blogs. Sticks and stones can break bones, but so can really large words formed out of steel alloy. Nobody ever talks about that.

Blogger egan said...

Yep, I think this blog is a huge part of your personality. If the guy doesn't find you more attractive after reading your blog, then he's clearly not a keeper.

Blogger bandick said...

On a quickie break, no time to read all of the comments to make sure I'm not repeating...

Krisser - Of course he'll read the blog. All of it, including that good/bad/ugly dates. They all led you to him. After he reads yours, he can write his.

Then you have a discussion about his future on the blog. I'm totally about respecting other's privacy and if he doesn't want you to write about him, that's cool. We've enjoyed your blog without "him" so far!

Anonymous Anna said...

Of course you let him read it. Because you're proud of your talent and you want to share, and you kind of want to tell him all of this awesome stuff about yourself (I'm funny! I'm sensitive! I have friends!) without actually saying the words, bragging, or spelling it out for him. When I met my boyfriend, I told him about my then-blog. Although, due to outside circumstances, that blog had to be shut down, I was glad he was able to read it. I wanted him to know I could write. I wanted him to see me shine in my best light, in my favorite light; in that blog. He glossed over the posts about my past, and I'm sure your future will, too (assuming he's not a masochist). It's the best kind of snapshot of who you are. I say show it off.

Blogger Jessica said...

I blog to write. Any man I am with will have to respect that I will always write about anything and everything.

You do write so well darling, I love your posts.

Blogger Kim said...

"...or the one who’ll never know he was such a bad kisser."

It was your own doing.

Blogger Kim said...

Oh, and for the love of Camelot's softball team will you please change the blurb above the Indie Bloggers link.

He's been out for a week already.

Not that I watch.

Carry on.

Anonymous girl and dog said...

Heck yeah let him read, AND you tell Him to read at his own risk. If he's smart, he won't read too much into your "past life" (as I like to call it). If he's dumb and makes a big deal out of it, then:

a. He's not worth it, and
b. You can kindly remind him that he also had a life before he met you

My boyfriend knows I have a blog, and he used to read it until he read something about my first marriage that he wasn't comfortable with. But, because he's smart, instead of throwing a hissy fit he simply told me he decided not to read my blog anymore.

Hope that helps... And GOOD FOR YOU for getting out there! :)

Blogger Serena said...

Good lord, you know it's a place many of us have been or eventually get to. I think it's why I've kept the dating/boy shite on an anonymous blog. However, I've recently run into the problem of dating/getting mixed up with male readers of said anonymous blog. Oops. What did I do? Blogged about them anyway ; )

Blogger M said...

He can choose to skip those parts. Honestly, I'm not sure that I'd go reading all the archives of someone's blog, no matter how significant that person was to me. Reading future posts while you are together, that I can see. But even if he does read through the archives, he can just jump over what makes him uncomfortable.

I don't really see any problem with reading about your past relationships, they obviously existed and being aware of their past existence has no real bearing on your present or future with someone else. But, if it makes him or you uncomfortable anyway, he should just skip those parts of the blog, in my opinion.

My thought process is probably a little too practical for some tastes, but that's how I see it. I don't really talk about or think about my past relationships a whole lot, but I wouldn't worry about hiding evidence of them from my spouse either. In some cases, it might help the person understand you a bit better, really, knowing some of the details of your romantic past (not necessarily the, um, "intimate" details, but you know what I mean, I hope).

Anonymous sandra said...

I don't, because there's just some stuff I don't want out there -- but I hope you will. :)

Anonymous Jurgen Nation said...

You know what I say.

I write about ex-boyfriends (once, almost tenderly - WTF?!) but I try to do it with tact. I don't know that I would do it any different way if I weren't with Matt. I'm of the mindset that your Person should understand that both of you had lives before each other. Granted, I don't want to hear about it, but that works for the blog, too. If he doesn't want to hear about it, just keep off the page. I dunno. You are who you are, you know? You should never hide that from anyone, or in the anticipation of anyone. The right one will love the blog and your writing because he loves you, and he'll be charmed. Also, relieved, because HELLO. HERE IS YOUR ENTIRE LIFE THAT HE DOES'T HAVE TO WORK FOR TO GET OUT OF YOU.

Sometimes we're at a disadvantage, we bloggers.

Anonymous zandria said...

I say you might as well tell him, because if he finds out later that you've been keeping this site, he'll feel a lot worse that you didn't tell him about it in the beginning.

Blogger CS said...

Okay, I've been thinking aboutthis very topic as I re-enter the dating world. And, as I wish some of the people who read my blog did not, I made the decision not to tell the first person I dated. I'm so glad of that now that it has crashed and burned. I think I'll hold to that policy for at least a while.

Blogger Addison said...

Hi, Nice stuff. I found a cool news widget for our blogs at www.widgetmate.com. Now I can show the latest news on my blog. Worked like a breeze.

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