April 19, 2007
now i’ll never be a teen model
The dentist informed me today that I’m grinding my teeth while sleeping. To which the small part of me that thinks I’m still semi-betrothed wants to yell, “My boyfriend says I’m not!” to somehow “I know you are but what am I?” the guy holding a wrench in my mouth. Insult is heaped onto injury when wrench doc signs me up for some newfangled mouth guard, which I know does not come in today’s trendiest colors (because I asked), and which shall henceforth be worn during my every sleep cycle. Which should do wonders for my sex life, because we all know a spittle-covered retainer removed during foreplay is every man’s sexual dream.


38 Comments:

Hahaha oh snap.

I have to wear a retainer allll the time. But that's because I have a cleft in my palate. I only take it out at night.

Just make sure to hide it when boys are nearby and incur the damage of tooth- grinding when boys are over. ;]

Anonymous elle said...

The 13-year-old in me who used to wear a back brace (think "16 Candles") offers her utmost sympathy!

Blogger Jessica said...

I'm straight but this post totally turned me on. Are you doing anything this weekend?

Blogger I-66 said...

Teeth grinding while you sleep is bad, yes... but teeth grinding while you... you know... that's worse.

Anonymous Jane said...

I have a nighttime mouth guard - it's really small and only covers my middle four top teeth, but it has what I think of as a "fang" on the front to keep me from closing my mouth all the way. Tres sexy.

Anyway, I sometimes decide to "forget" to wear it and it doesn't seem to hurt anything. Just saying.

Blogger Beth said...

If you leave sex toys out on your bedside table, I bet the boys won't even notice the spittle-covered retainer. I'm just saying.

Blogger Melissavina said...

If you got a glow in the dark mouth guard, it might be kinda fun. I'm just sayin'

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Funny, my dentist told me the same thing.

And he's wrong. I find it hard to believe someone could sleep right next to me for years and never notice I grind my teeth.

He's just looking at the wear pattern on my teeth and assuming it's caused by grinding. It could be lots of things. I chew a lot of gum, I used to bite my fingernails (ok, i have an oral fixation i guess), any of those could have caused the wear.

Blogger E :) said...

I do grind my teeth during sleep, but my dentist gave me a retainer which isn't noticable at all so it's all good. I actually sleep better with it in.

Blogger Wicked H said...

I feel your pain and will e-mail you the reason why. My vanity keeps me from revealing it here.

The random placement of sex toys is not only an excellent suggestion, it works well.

Anonymous Anne Glamore said...

Wear the mouthguard. If you don't, you break your teeth and have to get crowns and root canals which cost $ which could otherwise be used to buy gin.

And as MetroDad pointed out to me when I complained about bifocals (which I'm not getting, so see how much stock I put in his advice) it's sexier than dentures in a cup on the night table.

So sorry. Ack.

Blogger Maya said...

Hey...if they're about to get some, erm, oral pleasure, and they're fixated on your mouth gaurd? Who needs 'em?

Actually the mouth gaurd is in fourth place for sexy things to take off before you get down, behind nose strips, dentures, braces (can't take 'em off!) and those sleep apnea masks.

Blogger kris said...

Maya, I LOVE those CPAP masks! They're so Top Gun . . .

Blogger Maliavale said...

My dentist tells me that, and I just choose not to believe it. I recommend you do the same.

Blogger t2ed said...

I'd hold out for a head guard like Ted the Farmer had to wear in Pretty in Pink. Tres chic.

Blogger Itinerant Agonist said...

A Dentist told me the same thing, to which I responded that I grind my teeth during the day; especially when “experts” decide not to listen to me… Just saying! Wait… that wasn’t “wink-wink, nudge- nudge” worthy at all!

Blogger Butchieboy said...

Maybe you'll get some sweet head gear.

Blogger Love Monkey said...

Ok, I know this is going to sound all new agey and air fairy and well, you be the judge. I had the same problem and I actually got the guard which made my mouth dry out and my gums got a rash. A really painful raw rash. So I couldn't use it.

Anyway....I started "telling myself" I wouldn't clench - before I went to sleep and go figure it worked.

I did it right as I was falling asleep. Power of suggestion and all that happy horse shit.

I know it's crazy. But hell, it has worked for me.

Blogger lisa q. said...

i'm a grinder too...it bites (pun intended)...damn dentist wants $10,000 to put crowns on them so they don't wear even more...i think he just wants a new vacation home...fucker...

Blogger Shawn said...

That is indeed...sexxxxaaaaay!

You know I love it when you grind. Ummm...wait....oh, nevermind.

Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

After I graduated college, I invested in not one but TWO retainers - top and bottom - to straighten out my barely crooked teeth. The dentist argued it'd be the least intrusive approach. Um, no.

Let's just say those retainers were the most effective birth control I've ever used. I'll take crooked teeth over retainer-induced-virginity any day of the week, thank you very much.

Sweetie, just keep on grinding. That's why God invented veneers.

Blogger Maya said...

Top Gun! Love it!

Are you Ice Man, Maverick, Viper, Goose, Iceman, Slider, Hollywood, Jester, Merlin, Wolfman or Couger?

Blogger Kelly said...

Honey, all the cool kids have'em!

And, you could totally get away with not wearing it some nights.

My sister grinds her teeth in her sleep. She used to have pretty teeth now they're thissmall. Word to the wise...

Blogger Skyzi said...

He forgot to mention the tasty retainer morning breath that is in your near future!

Blogger Bob said...

I wear both a retainer (top and bottom) and a mouth guard. Hey girl, it ain't no big deal. It's all about timing.

Blogger wallofdenial said...

What the hell is foreplay?

HAHAHA....aaawww poor thing. That does suck.

Blogger brookem said...

nothing like some sexy headgear to add a little spice in the bedroom.

Anonymous Jorge said...

You're looking at this all wrong.

You need to buy the one with the Roofie dispenser.

:)

Anonymous chirky said...

Maybe you could make it a PART of foreplay. Like, your boyfriend could remove it FOR you.

A total turn on, right?

Blogger Matt said...

Now all you need is a face mask.

Blogger canadian sadie said...

The absolute BEST part of a bite plane? The lovely smell of it in the morning. Eew.

I don't wear mine when I'm 'entertaining'. Partly because it's embarassing, and partly because I'm too busy to grind my teeth. :)

Anonymous Single Jen said...

I have done this since I was a kid. Luckily, my mother was my dentist. I've had the lovely mouth guard for quite some time. It actually helps:-) I would wake up with headaches and my jaw would be sore....hmm, that kind of makes it sound like I've been doing dirty things.

But alas, no.

You've joined the mouth-guard nerds!

Congrats on your blog noms!

Blogger deanne said...

I grind too and I can tell in the morning because my jaw aches. Apparently last night my boyfriend asked me to stop grinding my teeth, and I snapped (in my sleep) "I'm not bloody chewing anything ok!" or something equally stupid.

Blogger Dave said...

Just think of it as opening yourself up to a whole new type of guy: the mouth gear fetish guy. I'm sure they're not hard to find. Just google them. I'll go ahead and try it for you right now.

Dear.
Sweet.
Jesus.

FORGET WHAT I SAID! NEVER DO THAT!

Blogger snoopy said...

I grind too when I'm sleeping or really stressed. Unbeknownst to me, I ground them so hard once (near panic attack in a crowd of people) that I couldn't open my mouth for days.

Eh...who needs teeth when you can drink your dinner :-)

Blogger that girl said...

well, natural lubrication. come on, total selling point.

Blogger Beakerz said...

The mouthguard was prolly 3-400 retail from the dentists (before insurance)? and still looks like the one's we used to get for football.

As for the sex life, an increase in natural oral lubricant. . . this is a bad thing?

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