August 29, 2006
Shocker!
I spent some time drinking this past week. Confession? I spent some time drinking alone. Faced with the option of once again being outrun by a minivan, I turned instead to the warm blanket that is the Internets, the Information Superhighway that provides me all the love my Pinot sometimes can't.

And I did the unthinkable. In my four-glasses-deep stupor, not only did I pound another airplane bottle of fruity liquid mixed with Diet Sprite ("It's a school night, young lady!" screamed Bug), but I fell victim to a CourtTV advert, one clearly intended for lonely knitters/John Karrs/cheap drinkers, and I - gulp - signed up for Eharmony.

Now those of you who follow my babble pretty regularly know that I'm a researcher. And you might as well know that despite my bar-setting level of coolness white tee shirt sweat stains, Mama luuuuurves her some surveys and data. I was like a pimpled teen at Hooters while filling out this 999-page, narcissistic-tendency(ies)-reinforcing, instrusive-yet- titillating audit of my psyche as well as all corners of my underwear drawer.

I haven't had that much fun since the 1990 SATs.

Heavy petting is to cotton candy as Andrew McCarthy is to ____________.

If I could make out with any of the assassinated U.S. presidents, I would choose ____________.

Of the following, ________ is of the utmost social importance to me:

1) ending the faux pas that is Fall Out Boy;
2) ending the plague that is sloth circumcision;
3) ending the carnage that is Carnie Wilson.

Awesome.

Wait, wait, wait! Can I add that I don't want kids, can't comprehend that Seinfeld was a hit, and am frightened by those Cabbage Patch-like kids sans faces that people put in their gardens?

SUBMIT.

And I waited. Yeaaahhhhhhh, white haired doctor matchmaker man. Bring me a honey.

REFRESH PAGE.

We have no matches in a 20-mile radius.

Shit. I mean, who does? My sexual soulmate could live in West Virginia for all I know. Let's up it a few more miles.

Did you not hear us? We said NO MATCHES, ASSHAT.

Oooooohkay. Maybe I should reconsider the "homeless that live in appliance boxes" or "postmen without testicles."

Let's try again. 120 miles.

Don't embarrass yourself, Kris, seriously. You will die alone and your cats will eat all traces of you.

Tomorrow I figure I'll go international.


41 Comments:

Blogger nursevl said...

I would date you if I went that way....

Blogger janet said...

ditto nersevl! seriously...I think that is a bad sign about eH....they have no other users. That's definitely it!

Anonymous gorillabuns said...

please tell me you didn't give them your bank account info for the $4000 lifetime guarantee.

Blogger Heather B. said...

You won't die alone. I'll be sitting with you just as alone, but technically not alone. Get it?

Blogger yournamehere said...

I took the test about a year ago but never officially signed up, because it was too expensive for that and my gambling addiction. I received about a dozen messages from the desperate women of Nevada. Funny, because I may be the least compatible person on earth. I think it was a trick to get me to cough up the membership fees.

Blogger Nancy Drew said...

Hey Kris I did the same as yournamehere. Took the tests, and had downed significant quantities of sister white (wine). Actually think the tests were taken BECAUSE of the wine. Didn't pay, just like tests (like you).

And got the same results. Nothing on two legs within 5 billion miles.

Gee I love my cat. Not like THAT, but hey.

Think that queendom.com is less frustrating as far as taking tests goes.

Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

I did that two weekends ago (minus the vino chaser). And I hit the same issue - not a single man in this entire site is a good match. Hmmph. So I expanded my circle to include all of earth. Searching... Searching... Searching... Nada. Oh wait, look! I have a possible match...in India? I officially feel like a loo-hoo-zer.

Blogger Shawn said...

If you want I'll be your Canadian girlfriend...the 'she's really hot, but you can't meet her' one... Well, except that I'm a boy and I don't live in Canada. Well, you get the idea.

That e-harmony guy creeps me out a bit. So, sadly, even if you increase the search to other planets - like Wisconsin - I won't show up as the perfect match even though I clearly would be...because how could I not...I mean really...

Anyway, don't worry too much about the cats not leaving a trace of you. I'm pretty sure they would leave some of the bigger bones behind. Just be glad you don't have a dog...

Blogger JordanBaker said...

I took their profile test for kicks when I was seeing someone, and the reply I got was essentially "if you have someone, cling to him like grim death because there is no one else in the world who would put up with you. Seriously."

Blogger t2ed said...

If James Carville and Mary Matalin are still together, it just shows those compatibility surveys are crap.

You probably just set your standards too high. You must have answered the questions about graduate school education, drinks wine, has feelings and no visible scars incorrectly.

I suggest perfume that smells of bacon. That always attracts the boys.

Blogger Washington Cube said...

Every person that I know who has done eHarmony has failed to match with anyone. Is it some kind of cult where you wind up putting quarters in your shoes or something? I think the real story will be when someone can step forth and say they went on an eHarmony date.

Blogger Wicked H said...

Cube I am one who has gone on several. Might there be a 12 step program to recover from this? God I hope so.

Anonymous nardac said...

Your honey is probably in the apartment block next to you, passed out in front of the Eharmony advert, nachos sprayed on his sixpack, being eaten by a dalmation.

By the way, I like the black on brown.

Blogger kitkat said...

I had a friend on Match.com who didn't get any results--then she realized she had accidentally checked that she had gray hair instead of red. Not a lot of 20-somethings looking for women with gray hair!

ending the carnage that is Carnie Wilson

Okay, which is weirder? The fact that I had a dream about Carnie Wilson last night or the fact that you mentioned her also??

Blogger Nat said...

Oh your matches will come ... be leary of the ones who will undoubtadly call you "luscious."

Then run.

Fast.

Anonymous Jorge said...

Did someone say bacon?

ANYONE?

I thought someone said...

:D

Blogger larrykim said...

i think the best place to meet someone is prison.

Blogger Freewheel said...

I was going to make a joke about dating in WV, but thought better of it. Anyway, why not try California or France? Isn't that where the wine lovers are?

Blogger Guinness_Girl said...

OMG, this is all too reminiscent of my match.com days (which, incidentally, led to me meeting Wilman!). At the time, they had this "compatibility" test of some sort that you could take and then they'd match you up with guys based on your answers. When I was finished, I learned that 3% - THREE - of the male population likes me. Awesome.

Hey, you should read Stefanie's entry on this same site - http://stefanie-says.blogspot.com/2006/08/my-memarmony-story.html - and learn that you aren't missing much. Ooh, and join Red's dating blog! She just mentioned it today! http://thecupcaketent.blogspot.com.

Wow, I am a wealth of unsolicited assvice today. But I bet you'd have some hi-freakin'-larious stories if you join match.com or something.

Blogger playfulinnc said...

My guy said that his results were the same.

So, OBVIOUSLY, the test has a chink in it, not YOU.

:)

Blogger k said...

if i may (and um, even if i mayn't), i get a weird, conservative and christian vibe from eHarmony. all sorts of "how important is church in your life" kinds of questions and stuff.

and then my "free profile" bore zero resemblance to who i am or what i'm like, and so i shrugged off the whole thing and went back to craigslist.

because at least with craigslist, you know you don't WANT to date most of the guys there anyway.

Blogger Woman with kids said...

Oh, I'm right there with you. On the yahoo personals, I've found lots of men... if I was looking for an overweight, slightly scary looking father figure.

Ok miss Kris, I did the eHarmony thing and found Mark, who is GRRRRREAT (ala Tony the tiger).

But the same thing happened to me -- I was at my lowest moment of being bored on a Fri night when I signed up. And when I was met with a "We do not currently have any matches that fit your profile." I wanted to shout, "I know, that's what I've been saying, which is why I'm home alone on a Friday night."

But, lo, the next day, I had two. And they sucked. But my third match was Mark... and let me tell you, they were RIGHT ON. I never would have encountered him otherwise, and probably wouldn't have noticed him in a crowd, but he is A+ perfect for me.

So give it a couple of days and don't despair... especially when they match you up with a guy who truly looks to be mildly retarded and the photos he posts are of him and his nerdy foreign-exchange student-type-friend taking pictures in their at-work break room. ...as I was saying, don't feel lowly and pathetic that THAT guy shows up as a possible soulmate for you. Just buck-up and wait for a good one to come along.

I know this means little since I'm not your mom or a BFF or anything, but I'm proud of you for bucking-up and doing it. Good step forward!

Blogger Charlie said...

EHarmony? Nooooooooooooo!
That place is hell. Please, next time the bottle tells you to sign up for something you see on TV, call me and I'll talk you out of it.

You are more matchable than EHarmony. the people on EHarmony don't want someone who thinks for herself. really.

Good god woman. At least go to Craig's List the next time the bottle tells you to look for love online.

Blogger Kim said...

I did Eharmony once and I got matches. Granted, they were toothless and all pictured with their Mustang/Pickup/TransAm but I got matches.

Anonymous Jurgen Nation said...

1. my pillow.

2. Taft.

3. Fall Out Boy.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

A few years ago I joined eHarmony for one month. The process they suggest to appropriately meet people is sooooo long that it takes forever before you actually meet in person. The one person I did meet in person,I was all charged up about, turned out to be the exact opposite of my type. Good through emails, shit in person.

On another note, I topped of a Vitamin Water with vodka (alone) this weekend. And I don't have cable television...that makes everything more depressing.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I like long walks on the beach, holding hands, and cuddling.

Blogger Miss Scarlet said...

West VA is allowed on eHarmony?

Blogger Megarita said...

There was something in what I think was the NY Times about eHarmony having problems connecting people of a certain brain. Like smarties. And snarkies. Their system has trouble connecting people who are intellectual because intellectuals tend to be introverts, apparently. So, it's not you, it's them. Asshats.

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

Yeah, all the people I know who have tried eHarmony have failed to find a match. They are all smartasses and/or intellectuals and/or non-religious. I think Megarita is on the right track with her assessment. I guess you just aren't suited to wear matching khaki pants with someone to the tune of that "This Could Be an Everlasting Love" song.

Blogger JoJo said...

Yeah, I gave up on e-Harmony after their free trial netted ZERO dates. I think I would have had more luck accosting stranger men in knee high socks on the Mall.

Blogger kimmay said...

i know a middle aged, talkative, strong-willed, sexy weimaraner that would love to cuddle with you every night and wake up with you each morning...

Blogger Irish Red said...

I've gotta tell ya, babe - I met a fabulous guy my first date on Eharmony and we dated for 9 months (until his controling and abusive tendencies reared their ugly head).

Good for you for putting yourself out there 4 glasses deep or not!

Blogger Slade said...

Awww girlfriend! Let us know how your date went when you get back from (fill in the blank with the country of the hot guy you will be matched up with)

Blogger Egan said...

Is the founder of eHarmony available? What's his marital status and how can I be more like him?

Blogger playfulinnc said...

I do, however, recommend the personals on Theonion.com

In my moment of weakness I met a few cool guys in the DC area.

"Let's try again. 120 miles."

C'mon, not even in the Ozarks where "if she has a pulse and can cook," qualifies as a ten???

In this case, I would have to say it *is* undoubtedly EHarmony and not you.

Blogger Sandra said...

It's definitely not you, it's eHarmony. I just blogged about how much it sucked for me, too. 29 dimensions of compatibility my ass.

Blogger missbhavens said...

oooo, eHarmony sort of freaked me out. Too much like eBay.

Girl, go get on Nerve.com. That's where the dirtyboys are.

get yourself a nice, temporary dirtyboy.

Blogger Addison said...

Hi, Nice stuff. I found a cool news widget for our blogs at www.widgetmate.com. Now I can show the latest news on my blog. Worked like a breeze.

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