August 28, 2006
Bored at the Awards
Meh. These awards shows are getting more and more sterile, more and more formulaic as the years go by. Why must everything be done by the book? We get it, already. There's a pre-show, there are ugly and there are pretty dresses, there is a tribute to a dead man, one to a live man, people are played off stage by the same producer with the same cheesy instrumental . . . it's a wonder people still watch television when these essentially promotional shows are so routine and turned out with only slight updates to the prior year's script.

But there is always something to say. My comments:

THE OPENING

We Need A Montage! Few things are funnier than any award show opening montage. That To Catch A Predator spoof had me in stitches, I say. Producers should make every awards show opening montage 45 minutes long and make up the time by completely cutting all lame presenter jokes. Notta one. is ever. funny.

Conan O'Brien is going to show up as one of those corpses on CSI pretty soon. Jennifer Love Hewitt seems to have an abundance of tanning gel; maybe she can help a brother out.

Musical numbers should be kept to a minimum in most environments. Didn't we learn anything from Drew Carrey? Ugh.

Jim from the Office is next candidate for being kept in that box under my bed.

THE AWARDS

Wait, is Desperate Housewives still on the air? Last I checked there was more buzz about According to Jim.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus is the new Dick Clark. I'm convinced that she will never die, and will end up cast in wax by age 50. Or maybe she's the new Cloris Leachman? Jesus, Mary.

I miss you, Huff. And I miss Oliver Platt's coked out ranting and raving. Sunday nights just aren't the same, even with the condolences provided by my Entourage boys.

Um, Simon Cowell, this is a dress-up party. That means wearing one of your best ties, not your finest chest hair.

Piven will now be kept in the box under the bed next to Jim's. A man who can improvise, shares a B Fri charm with one Mr. John Cusack, and is not afraid to tear up in front of millions while wearing an ascot is certainly a keeper. And I bet he is downright amazing in the sack.

Any intro that involves "special tribute" is a TV viewer's cue to use the restroom or pluck wily chin hairs.

MY PROPOSAL FOR NEW AWARDS CATEGORIES:

Most Likely to Pass Out Because She Ate Only Air for the Week Before the Awards: Ellen Pompeo

Most Likely to Pass Out Because She Ate Only Air for the Thirty Years Prior to the Awards: Farrah Fawcett

Most Suprising Candidate to End Up in Box Under Kris' Bed: Hugh Laurie

Never, Ever, Going to End Up in a Box Under Kris' Bed, Even with the Assistance of a Lead Muzzle and in the Absence of Air Holes: Howie Mandel

Most Irritating Been There, Done That: Anyone who says "We're Running Long" at one of these things. I've heard this one more times than Tara Reid's been called a whore. Ugh.

Most Desirable Moment that of Course Will Never Happen: A gorgeous Heather Locklear jumping off stage and mounting the crazy but hot Charlie Sheen for an impromptu makeout session, while their dirty bird exes are forced to watch.

Least Discreet, But Most Envied Early Departure of the Evening:
Cricket, who passed out on my laundry after the second award, realizing that if the actual ceremony was this boring that the afterparties were definitely going to blow.

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33 Comments:

Blogger I-66 said...

I wasn't even aware these were on. I see I didn't miss anything.

Blogger t2ed said...

I'm proud to say I discovered Hugh Laurie long ago when he worked with Rowan Atkinson and Stephen Fry.

I did love when he groped Conan though.

Blogger Freckled K said...

I'd like to request joint custody of Jim, if you don't mind.

Blogger JordanBaker said...

I've repeatedly staked my claim to Hugh Laurie based on loving him since I was a nerdy little teen.

And I was aghast when I read the list of winners this morning. What a crapfest.

Blogger Irish Red said...

Maybe if there were LESS awards shows I could get more excited. We have the Emmy's, Oscars, Tony's, Daytime Emmy's, Grammies, BETs, CMTs, SAGs...the list goes on. Don't these people get enough acclaim and fanfare everwhere they go that they still need a black tie event every other week to reaffirm each other's fabulousness?

Blogger TrappedInColorado said...

Wait... is ending up in a box under you bed a good thing or a bad thing? I'm confused.

Well written post and I mean it when I say send your resume to The Onion!!!!

Peace

Blogger Kelly said...

I missed the under your bed reference too... But it seems like a hot spot for men!

1 - Your cat is massive! And entirely adorable.

2 - "Um, Simon Cowell, this is a dress-up party. That means wearing one of your best ties, not your finest chest hair," cracked me up!

3 - ditto to trapped.

Blogger MKD said...

They were on last night? I wondered why Ryan Fuckface was on E! for like 6 hours. Is it wrong to hate him so much?

Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

Oh. My. God. The Pivs. The list of what I want to do with that man runs on and on and on. Have loved him since forever - well at least since I got over Ricky Schroeder.

Um, hello. The highlight of the evening was watching Farah Fawcett attempt to sound/appear lucid during the Aaron Spelling tribute. Did you notice they kept her words to a minimum and even still she almost lost it? Beauty in missing-a-few-brain-cells motion.

Blogger Kris said...

Here's the box under the bed thing:

:)

http://mamalikey.blogspot.com/2006/01/did-i-mention-we-have-garden-state-in.html

Blogger Sandra said...

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Hugh Laurie.

Blogger Biscuit said...

Jeremy Piven. Yum. I wonder if he would fit in my bedside drawer? That's where I keep all of my...er...men.

Blogger themikestand said...

I couldn't sit through an awards show even if everyone but the statue were naked, but I love your reviews.

Also currently wondering how serious a friend was when she said I reminded her of Jeremy Piven.

Blogger k said...

just don't be surprised if when you open the box with mr. piven, i'm in it naked.

just saying.

i LOVE that man and always have. mmmmmm.

(um, but um, does he have more hair now than he did like, five years ago? i'm not a hairist or anything, but you know...)

Blogger Heather B. said...

I love Hugh Laurie more than my luggage. Ooh and that accent, YUM!

Blogger Amaya said...

I used to love award shows but my patience for them is weaning now that they're everywhere.
I completely agree that they are too predictable. And who really cares to hear someone thank their stylist?
I would have liked it more if it was a 3 hour Conan O'Brien show with a few interviews of winners.

Blogger kristen said...

Most disappointing...did mcdreamy straighten his hair? with a flat iron? WHY?

EXCELLENT recap. I feel like I was there. And I completely agree on your Jeremy Piven assessment. LOVE him.

Blogger mrsmogul said...

Hehe Thanks for the recap, I didnt watch I think they get predicatable bring on streakers or something.

Anonymous Jennifer said...

Hugh Laurie. Meh. Hugh Laurie as Dr. House, aka Sherlock Holmes for the 2000's? Oh, yeah.

Awesome recap. I knew I didn't watch for a reason. This was better than being there.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Conan was funny. Farrah's face looked like she'd been gassed at one point in her life.

Blogger HotForSimon said...

I much prefer Simon's chest hair to ANY sort of tie, thanks very much!! LOL

Blogger HotForSimon said...

ps. Love your blog!

Blogger Keith said...

I love tv and celebrating television in all its tube glory.

Blogger Kim said...

Jim, aka John Krasinski, is mine. I claimed him long ago and he is very happy in the box under my bed.

Blogger Miss Scarlet said...

And when the music comes on-SHUT UP!

Blogger Margaret said...

Tall guys get crampy and bitchy when kept in a box under the bed, you need one of those proportional midgets.

Anonymous Jorge said...

I think award shows are a prime example of how much ego there is in Hollywood.

It's not enough to sell a million DVDs and be idolized by the public, they need to have a pat on the head from a crooked bunch of judges.

So annoying.

The only reason I watch is for the jokes.
And sadly, they are not so good anymore.

*le sigh*

What to do?

J

PS: Hugh Laurie owes me for the love of Mama.

Blogger Dave said...

Jim from The Office also gets the award for "Most Girl-Like Hair on a Man." I mean, I love that show, and I think he's hilarious, but he's wearing the same hair that Marlo Thomas wore in That Girl.

Anonymous Jurgen Nation said...

This is HILAR!!! And Crickles! He came over last night, just so you know. ;)

Blogger kimmay said...

cricket is so cute. i wish i could come over and shower her with my love - if only buggles would allow me to come in. :)

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

I think you need a "What the Hell Happened To..." category, with the award going to Kate Jackson. Seriously, WTF? Charlie would be displeased.

Mmmm, Hugh Laurie...

Blogger KlevaBich said...

Mmmm, Hugh Laurie. Dr. House can take my temperature ANY old time.

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