District of Columbia -- A Washington, DC resident was heard violently berating a friend in a Northern Virginia mega-store earlier today, reportedly nearing a psychotic break after withstanding years of inappropriate word usage on the part of the same-aged acquaintance.
"You cannot lose your senility, you asshat," fellow Target shoppers reportedly heard the striking blond scream. "It's sanity. You lose your SANITY!"
Kris Likey, 32, stated to a growing crowd of bystanders that her peer had, "for years, been plagued by a tendency to eff up every major word in the English language, even the real short ones at the front of the SAT book!"
Ms. Likey ranted for several minutes in the feminine hygiene aisle, apparently initially set off by the simple statement that her friend was "on her period." Likey acknowledged to the disappointed crowd that this use was clearly only a borderline infraction, but redeemed herself quickly with "It's jibe, not jive!" and the crowd pleaser "YOU GRANDFATHER DOES NOT HAVE A 'CONGENIAL' HEART DEFECT!"
The profusely perspiring Likey continued to assault her clearly startled and guilty companion with a barrage of misused words. "No, as you so loudly stated on our flight to Europe, snails are not a delicatessan in some cultures!" she yelled. The hail of insults continued for a full four minutes, until out of steam, she concluded with a raised arm, "and no, Greenpeace freak, plastic will not lead to our eminent demise!"
Local resident Betta Vanson, disturbed by the commotion in the next aisle, quickly maneuvered her 1999 Rascal out of harm's way. "This is why I never come to Virginia," the DC resident stated, tightly clutching her case of clearance Dial soap. "It's just not safe in the suburbs anymore."
Likey's friend, clearly overcome by "the emoticon of the moment," said it would take some time for the two to get past this very public incident, but that she respected her longtime friend for opening up to her. "Of course, I would never have axed for something like this to happen, but I'm almost glad it did. Heretofore** I will pay more attention to my talking."
Likey was last seen sassing Target customer service for not carrying wine in their beverages section. At press time, no charges had been fled.
"You cannot lose your senility, you asshat," fellow Target shoppers reportedly heard the striking blond scream. "It's sanity. You lose your SANITY!"
Kris Likey, 32, stated to a growing crowd of bystanders that her peer had, "for years, been plagued by a tendency to eff up every major word in the English language, even the real short ones at the front of the SAT book!"
Ms. Likey ranted for several minutes in the feminine hygiene aisle, apparently initially set off by the simple statement that her friend was "on her period." Likey acknowledged to the disappointed crowd that this use was clearly only a borderline infraction, but redeemed herself quickly with "It's jibe, not jive!" and the crowd pleaser "YOU GRANDFATHER DOES NOT HAVE A 'CONGENIAL' HEART DEFECT!"
The profusely perspiring Likey continued to assault her clearly startled and guilty companion with a barrage of misused words. "No, as you so loudly stated on our flight to Europe, snails are not a delicatessan in some cultures!" she yelled. The hail of insults continued for a full four minutes, until out of steam, she concluded with a raised arm, "and no, Greenpeace freak, plastic will not lead to our eminent demise!"
Local resident Betta Vanson, disturbed by the commotion in the next aisle, quickly maneuvered her 1999 Rascal out of harm's way. "This is why I never come to Virginia," the DC resident stated, tightly clutching her case of clearance Dial soap. "It's just not safe in the suburbs anymore."
Likey's friend, clearly overcome by "the emoticon of the moment," said it would take some time for the two to get past this very public incident, but that she respected her longtime friend for opening up to her. "Of course, I would never have axed for something like this to happen, but I'm almost glad it did. Heretofore** I will pay more attention to my talking."
Likey was last seen sassing Target customer service for not carrying wine in their beverages section. At press time, no charges had been fled.
Labels: Ranting
45 Comments:
** this one is such a bust on me . . . I use this one incorrectly all the time.
Bug and Crick are soooo embarrassed.
Heretofore is the most confusing of all because it, if broken down, would seem to mean "from here forward". I tend to lean towards "henceforth" instead.
If you'd killed her, I would've fought my way onto the jury and made sure they let you off for justifiable homicide.
Also guilty. Although, thankfully, the frequency is not quite that bad... And sometimes I do it on purpose.
ps - I found my way here by chance, and then a very good friend of yours raved about you. So I've added you.
pss - I've also had "Not a girl, not yet a woman" stuck in y head for the last three days. Not because I heard the song - no - because of your title. And, me likely.
Hehehehehehhehehe.
Sassy. I like it.
But I must admit. I for one would love to lose my senility.
*takes cover*
This is just one of the reasons I like you. You see, incorrect word usage is, to me, a cardinal sin. I MAKE UP words all the time, but that's totally different. One, because I'M doing it, and two, because I use the made up words correctly.
This reminded me of one of the youth group girls upon entering our living quarters on a mission trip "Oh! It's so cute in here! It looks like a hospice!" Dude, I'm old, but not THAT old. I'm thinking she meant "hostel".
Will you marry me?
Someone call for an amblance.
Were you shopping for sodar?
Sodar. Please please person I'm related to. Stop saying that.
Heretofore, I feel better
Did Brilly use the "C" word again? Is that what prompted this?
You need to shop at the Targets that DO sell wine.
Kris next time make sure you have plenty of wine in your system before attempting the excursion to Target. Also, make sure you report back to all of us pronto.
I expecially hate when people do that. Pacifically when it's repletely implied that they should be using inferred.
Now I've got to go consecrate on my job checking the fire distinguishers in our deportment.
I can't do better than t2ed.
Very funny post. I like the way you talk about yourself in 3D.
I saw an article today as I saw this post, saying that the blackberry can make users addictive.
I love this post. If you turn down Megan, please consider marrying me.
My sister once told me about a jellyfish with huge testicles.
Heretofore should be limited to Abe Lincoln and snotty lawyers. Cute and sassy gals should avoid it regardless of knowing how to put it in a sentence.
This post killed me. You are too funny.
Irregardless of what is stated, this was wicked awesome.
{Sigh} I want to smack people down every day for this issue. I've given up. They could care less, and I can't convince them they really COULDN'T care less.
Yes, it's a huge albacross around their necks. Ergo.
I thought albacross was my favorite kind of tuna because it's Dolphin proof.
Based on this post, I bet you love mispronunciations just as much as I do. "It is NOT pronounced ANTY-THESIS!!"
HAHA - YES! It's COULDN'T CARE LESS, you idiots!
Hey, Target in the L.A. suburbs has a great wine aisle.
We are happy.
Mama, I'd comment, but I gots ta axe da libarian a kestion! (One of the first phrases I heard after moving south as a child. I left a school that taught phonics. Need I mention the repeated beatings I suffered those first few years?
I love the Rascal. I'll bet she has that power lift chair at home, too.
Snort!
My boss just happens to say "...and thereto" expeshally when he's nervous!!
We all are in the habit of adding, "and thereto" when something is obvious or dumb. Some of the idiots I work with have akshully said that to him, thinking he is in on the joke!!
My favorite forehead vein bulging phrase? I could care less!
And I COULD care less, assholes! For the love-a-God I could care a LOT less!
come to Seattle- the Target here is overFLOWing with wine for sale!
We also have wine at Target in Cincinnati. "Trendy" boxed wine. But hey, it's wet and alcoholic...
I suppose it could do the trick in a chick's time of need...
Kris,
This was hilarious! Have you thought of writing for "The Onion"?! You'd be perfect for them. Seriously, send them your resume!
Peace
Congenial defects are the best kind.
I too have been on the verge of going off on people for the infractions you mention. Drives me crazy.
I swear I knew a guy once who used to read a dictionary in his spare time. (We caught him once and said, "Uh, is that a dictionary you're reading?" and his response was "Uh, yeah!" as if it was something so commonplace it was stupid to question it.) Anyway, the result of his dictionary-reading was that his word choice was soooo far off-course that his sentences would make sense if you really explored every word he used, but you'd always come away thinking that there was a better way for him to have said that, or that the sentence was wrong because of word connotations. (Sorry I have no examples right now.)
I'm headed over to MKD's blog to kick her ass for taking my comment.
Wow.
Er...
Maybe you shouldn't come up here. I mean...I misuse words all the time.
Words like irony. Just axe Dave...
Nice! This is very Fish Called Wanda. "He thinks Portia is a car!"
oof... her use of "delicatessen" is painful, but I have to admit that the misuse of "eminent" is more understandable.
...I used to work wih a guy who did stuff like this all the time...made us all nuts. Once a 10-ton-truck drove "vicariously" close to his car. Yeesh.
I'm pretty good with using my vocabulary properly...my problem is overuse of ellipses.
...I just can't stop...
No jury would convict you.
Your Target doesn't sell wine!!??
You should move.
(nice post!)
Very funny, very well written. Thanks for the laugh. :) I have friends like this as well. Sigh.
I agree, you need to move. My Target sells wine (though it's cheaper at Cost Plus or Safeway).
Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!!
Love the 'asshat'.
My fave word.....or is it non-word?
Is Jorge one of those Canadian clowns who says things like, "I seen them kissin' in the kitchen, eh."
I can live with the "eh" but the "seen" makes me crazy. It seems to be a Canadian thing.
Now ... could we take a moment to address the pronunciation of foyer? This word is from the French ... and when was that last time you heard a French word that rhymes with "err"? Foy - ay! Foy - ay! Or call it a front hall. But please don't call it a foy-err.
Sorry. I just had to get that out.
Sheer genius.
I prostate myself before thee.
Posts like these are why I totally love you. Seriously.
And come to Cincinnati, OH. We have plenty of wine in our Targets. Ones with pretty labels.
well, that post certainly deserved an explanation point or two....it kind of reminded me of that French painter Moet. I have to stop thinking about my former boss before I gouge my eyeballs out.
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