August 24, 2006
If the bitches have to be new, at least the theme song is the same
Laguna Beach is back, and it’s brought with it a whole new breed of bitch. The bitches of yore were pretty low, but the antics were run-of-the-mill stuff consisting of juvenile comments about extensions and weight gain and skanks and such. This year signals the debut of a new borg-like bitch, one who eats sushi and clarinet players for breakfast before her noon colon cleansing. A bitch who would probably wilter when exposed to Wet ‘n Wild body glitter or a holiday spent in a soup kitchen. These are a relentless, ruthless breed, and I’m convinced their moms are never in sight because they’re either a) dating Hasselhoff, or b) trying to off themselves with a cocktail of Ritalin and Red Bull.

(One of these nasty girls used “likey” during a particularly snarky scene in the first episode, and I seriously contemplated a change of url. Enough said.)

Die hard fans need not worry. Not everything with the bitches has changed. The needy, deprived, desperate, anxious – oh, and stringy – Jessica can’t get past her 14 minutes of Laguna fame, and slinks her distressed way into every other scene. Note to Jessica: He = a junior. in high school. You = graduated when Britney was still hot. Move on to the guys working security at the Laguna mall, sister.

Oh, and the girls still have barbeques. With Laguna-patented red Solo cups. Containing boob-fortifying and highlight-enhancing bitch juice.

Now let’s talk about the dudes. Everyone is hot for these meaty, bandy, at times bright, at times frat boyish boys, who at all times reflect shaggy perfection, with glowing hairless skin and perfect teeth, the kind that look disturbingly like Faye Dunaway’s dentures because their braces were removed only an hour prior to production. These are boys who say things like, “did I tell you where I woke up last night? Uh, this morning?” while playing golf. When they’re 15. At least these chumps don’t wear their collars up, even if they exclaim “dude” more often than they expose their treasure trails. At those chaperone-less barbeques.

Stupid bitches.

I’m so totally hooked.

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21 Comments:

Blogger Mel said...

I need a new guilty pleasure. I just added the first season of Laguna to my Netflix queue. If Mama's hooked, I know I won't be disappointed!

And, it's good to see you back at my blog, too :)

Blogger Washington Cube said...

I've never watched, but heard about the show. Sounds like it's time to check it out.

Blogger dharmabumx said...

totally forgot that the premiere was last night…
damn, now I need to scour the MTV schedule for when it reairs and set up my season pass…

Blogger Candace said...

What *is* it with those damned Solo cups?? Is it the clean-up factor? Cos I know those girls aren't cleaning up after themselves. Are the maids the ones demanding the Solo cups? Or maybe it's a fear-of-breakage thing? But that doesn't make sense, either, because these people have more money than God so a few broken glasses mean nothing to them.

The Solo cup thing bothered me so much I had to stop watching. I'm not kidding. I think maybe I'm channeling Martha Stewart.

Except she's not dead.

Blogger goldennib said...

I go by the channel really fast because I'm afraid of being sucked in against my will.

Blogger Momentary Academic said...

Just when I thought I could get away from laguna, your wonderful write up pulls me in. Damn it! And thank you!

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

Candace, my guess is that the Solo cups are so that the viewers "don't know" that they're drinking alcohol underage.

"even if they exclaim “dude” more often than they expose their treasure trails" ---hahahahaha

This whole entry is a perfect description of Laguna. I swear, those girls are the meanest ever. They look totally wrecked, too-- all have bad, bad burned out hair, and seem moments away from Their First Plastic Surgery. I would fear them, and I am *gulp* a decade older.

Blogger lala said...

the moms came out in FULL FORCE in last night's episode. they were all over the place...condoning and perpetuating the solo cup behavior.

Blogger Rosie said...

like the LB theme song, you're coming clean about your love of LB! hahahahha.

ps. i'm 30 and still find great joy in the use of a solo cup - sooooo multi-purpose and yes, great for hiding the alkie.

Blogger Kim said...

I think I'm going backwards maturity-wise. I'm 28 years old and I'm obsessed with Laguna and I just downloaded the new Justin Timberlake song.

You are a bad influence.

God help me.

Blogger TrappedInColorado said...

Ok... I have no idea what this was about! Should I start watching TV? Is this a TV show?

Blogger Marissa said...

Ah! I LOVE IT! I'm laughing so hard right now. I am so totally hooked too. And holy shit, I'm terrified of this new breed of bitches. I'm actually scared Cami and her evil counterpart Kyndra (come on, is that Y really necessary?!) are going to come thru the TV screen and attack me.

Blogger Biscuit said...

Oh, no no no, I should not have read this! I don't need another show to get hooked on. Especially one full of stupid people. Those are the best!

Blogger ejtakeslife said...

This season is good, but I miss Kristin. Bitchery is a privilege, not a right! Kristin earned hers by actually having all the guys wrapped around her finger, whereas I believe Cami is a bitch because she can't get any. You know she won't have a love interest this season.

And no, I will not admit shame to having these opinions. Laguna Beach is ART, friends!

Blogger Miss Scarlet said...

Yeah, I think the solo cups are to hide the booze. (Yes, I'm admitting the following:) on the extras disc of LB2, they def show them all drunk at a party, it's pretty funny. (Note: I don't own it, I got it on Netflix...like that's any better.)

I'm so into this show. And "butt hurt" is so the new "dunzo"!

Anonymous Jorge said...

I have absolutely no idea what's going on.

I even tried my decoder ring, and I still don't understand anything you said.

J

Blogger yournamehere said...

How come I'll lose my job and receive a five-hundred dollar fine for serving a minor, but M-TV can film them drinking and it's okay?

I think the people represented on this show should be dragged to a public square and set on fire.

Anonymous Jennifer said...

I love that show. And My Super Sweet Sixteen. Sometimes I pity those girls, but most of the time I just want to beat them senseless.

Blogger MKD said...

This post would be really weird if you were over 24. Thank god, eh. That's a load off.

Blogger Lushy said...

The line "the bitches of yore" may very well be the best reference in a blog that I have ever read.

*claps*

Blogger afromabq said...

they are the stupid bitches you love to hate....i'm hooked too....so sad....

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