If the bitches have to be new, at least the theme song is the same

Laguna Beach is back, and it’s brought with it a whole new breed of bitch. The bitches of yore were pretty low, but the antics were run-of-the-mill stuff consisting of juvenile comments about extensions and weight gain and skanks and such. This year signals the debut of a new borg-like bitch, one who eats sushi and clarinet players for breakfast before her noon colon cleansing. A bitch who would probably wilter when exposed to Wet ‘n Wild body glitter or a holiday spent in a soup kitchen. These are a relentless, ruthless breed, and I’m convinced their moms are never in sight because they’re either a) dating Hasselhoff, or b) trying to off themselves with a cocktail of Ritalin and Red Bull.

(One of these nasty girls used “likey” during a particularly snarky scene in the first episode, and I seriously contemplated a change of url. Enough said.)

Die hard fans need not worry. Not everything with the bitches has changed. The needy, deprived, desperate, anxious – oh, and stringy – Jessica can’t get past her 14 minutes of Laguna fame, and slinks her distressed way into every other scene. Note to Jessica: He = a junior. in high school. You = graduated when Britney was still hot. Move on to the guys working security at the Laguna mall, sister.

Oh, and the girls still have barbeques. With Laguna-patented red Solo cups. Containing boob-fortifying and highlight-enhancing bitch juice.

Now let’s talk about the dudes. Everyone is hot for these meaty, bandy, at times bright, at times frat boyish boys, who at all times reflect shaggy perfection, with glowing hairless skin and perfect teeth, the kind that look disturbingly like Faye Dunaway’s dentures because their braces were removed only an hour prior to production. These are boys who say things like, “did I tell you where I woke up last night? Uh, this morning?” while playing golf. When they’re 15. At least these chumps don’t wear their collars up, even if they exclaim “dude” more often than they expose their treasure trails. At those chaperone-less barbeques.

Stupid bitches.

I’m so totally hooked.