August 16, 2006
What it feels like for a girl
The day began like any other day. With the exception of the happiness seemingly all around her and the issue of that broken air conditioning and the fact that she had to pick up her belongings from the ex's apartment.

And she went through the motions. She arrived at his place, poised and together as anyone would suspect her always to be, sunglasses ready to eclipse any emotion for the man that she should be over already.

And in his absence she picked up the few things he had left for her, the three years of laughter and intimacy and friendship and yes, disagreements, that had been reduced to nothing more than a couple of boxes of books and minutae, all left outside on the pavement without a note.

Knowing full well that he probably remained unfazed, she held her head high and loaded each and every reminder into her car before driving home with the windows down and the lite radio blaring. She was still okay. She would be okay. Isn't that what everyone kept telling her? No. She should be okay.

And she scoured her apartment, tossing anything that didn't belong in her everyday. Gone were the sizes she was too small or too large for, the notes that she hadn't read in over a year, the memorabilia from trips past that no longer held any meaning.

That night in the quiet she turned to her address book, realizing quickly that most of her friends were either otherwise occupied or living lives of which she was no longer a part. And she was reminded, as if she had not been reminded enough as of late, that she was once again on her own.

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38 Comments:

Blogger Freckled K said...

My present is seemingly parallel to yours. I could have written this, although not nearly as well.

In the end, we are always on our own - we just aren't reminded of it very often. But those reminders sure are crushing.

And you will be okay. But you already know that.

Blogger Wicked H said...

Hang in there kiddo!

Hugz

Blogger JoJo said...

I've been where you are and it sucks. Then comes the day when you realize that despite the heartache you've suffered, you're going to be ok. In fact, you're going to be more than ok.

Anonymous ML said...

We've all been there. YOU"LL BE OK! Time wounds all heals...wait...well...you know what I mean. Being on your own can be an empowering thing!

Again, you'll be ok! Hang in there, doll.

Blogger I-66 said...

We're here for ya!

And um, not related, but maybe a browser thing... I see black font on brown background and, holy crap, it's hard to read.

Blogger Guinness_Girl said...

Oh, sweetie. If this is nonfiction, I'm sorry. GAH.

Blogger Candace said...

Gah. I always hated that part of the endings. The going and retrieving of stuff was heart-wrenching.

As for that last paragraph...as long as you have just *one* person to turn to, you'll be just fine. I promise.

Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

Regardless if those few paragraphs are fiction or non-fiction, sounds like the start of a new chapter.

Personally, I like to start all new chapters with a pedicure and Kir. Make that a Kir Royale. Cheers to a new and exciting chapter!

PS: I second the black/brown comment. I had to squint my way through this post. I swear to GOD if I get crows feet because of you....

Blogger Nat said...

So succinctly you put into words the way I have felt countless times before...may your tomorrow be better than today.

Blogger Kate The Great said...

Descriptive imagery, painful situation. I always do my best writing when I'm fired up with emotion. I hope your road to happiness is a short and blessed one...

Cheers.

Blogger Egan said...

Yep, great job capturing the sentiments of lost love and that place of discomfort after relationship is over. I have a pit in my stomach now.

Blogger Megarita said...

Girl, I wish I could do a chard drive by. This is hideous. What a complete fucking tool. BRAVA for doing the soul cleansing, though! You rule.

Blogger Kelly said...

Agree with everyone, and especially paige jennifer.

You should be okay, it will get better, life goes on... blah blah - none of this heals the pain.

You know when someone complains about a hurt toe (or something similar), and a friend offers "Have you ever tried a herts donut?" then punches you hard in the arm and says "Hurts, don'it?"?

Maybe a bottle of wine, and the headache that comes with it, could be the very Herts that you need right now. Cry your eyes out, wail, sleep all day, hit the bottom.

And then it does get better.

Blogger missbhavens said...

Oof. Ow. I know that feeling. I remember it. I've had it a few times. It's just...the worst.

Of course, it goes without saying but I'll say it anyway: You are still okay. You will be ok. Believe it or not, you'll be way better than just ok. And when you are it will be difficult for you to even wrap your brain around how not okay you once were.

I still keep my address book over-padded, too. I don't know why. It feels protective. Like there are dozens and dozens of people I can call at a moments notice...but I know that there aren't. There are just a precious handful and dammit! Sometimes they aren't available either.

You can always turn away from the address book and lean on your blogroll instead.

Chin up, babe.

(ok--ignore that "chin up"...that was really, really lame.)

Anonymous Jorge said...

But are you really on your own?

Two furry faces and two not-so-furry faces look incredulously at those words (I had to translate for the furry ones).

I'm not going to say "you'll be fine", because we both know you will.

I'm not going to say "chin up", because if anyone actually walked with their chin up, they'd fall down an open manhole.

I am going to say that I'm looking forward to seeing you in November, and that you are one of the greatest friends ever. EVAR.

So there.
Now get back to your crazy plans for world domination, and your get-rich-quick schemes. And I will return to my lollygagging and dillydallying.

We will meet somwehere in between.

J

Blogger Finn said...

You'll be OK when you're OK and not before. Wallow awhile, roll the feeling around in your mouth, squish between your toes. Listen to sad music. Drink wine. Cry.

And when you're ready, you'll be OK.

XOXO

Blogger Margaret said...

Should, I hate that word/concept.

Anonymous gorillabuns said...

reminds me of my last two relationships, complete with the void of communication. i'm so sorry. i'd be your friend for crappy movies and cheap wine but then i don't think you would like living in hell, otherwise known as oklahoma.

Blogger Washington Cube said...

I'm not going to say you'll be okay because I'm not sure you will ever be okay with it, maybe just learn where to tuck it in your heart where it isn't so raw and exposed anymore. It takes a while, and people are giving you good advice in staying busy and please do stay in touch with your friends. I did love reading this, but not without the pang of knowledge from having been there.

I hate to say this, because I really love your new blog template, but I am also finding the black on brown for the tiny print hard to read. I actually used a magnifying glass to read it. The caramel color you are also using stands out nicely, as well as the lighter yellow.

Blogger playfulinnc said...

Bonfire.

These make me feel better, and you have a kickass memory of letting go of things you don't want or need anymore.

:)

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, sweetie. I'm sorry.

And try to erase "should" from your vocabulary...now is not the time to put these crushing "I should be x" demands on yourself.

Hang in there, and God bless!

Anonymous becky(priss) said...

anyone who can write that has been there. hugs to ya, girl.

Blogger goldennib said...

No experience is ever wasted. Even though this relationship may be over, it is ok to remember it fondly.

Anonymous mrs. jorge said...

I've pondered for a full day about the right words to say. And I'm still not sure if I'm sticking my foot in my mouth...

I can't make the hurt go away. I can say that I've been heartbroken before so I get what you're saying.

I also wanted to say that you're not 100% on your own. I've met a few of your kick-ass friends. And I know that they adore you, because us two Canadians aren't ALL that exciting to make them want to hang out with us for the whole weekend. It's your charm and humour and warmth and friendship that make them want to be there with you. I know friends aren't the same as a "boy", but we will be there when you want to drink, laugh, cry, shout, drink, light cigarettes off of the electric stove, cook you french toast with real (or fake) maple syrup, drink.... Whatever you want.

I just wish I could do all of those things with you more often! Fingers crossed for Nov!

Big hugs.

Blogger Juliness said...

Eloquently written, Kris. The detrius left after the destruction of a relationship can be as difficult to deal with as the "end" itself.

PS If you weren't ghost-writing here, let me just add that I am only 2 little hours north of DC and am rarely otherwise occupied.

You're so brave. Trust me, you'll be fine. Even if it takes three years. You'll be fine :)

Blogger Dave said...

Looks like you have a nice support system here. For my part, I can provide distraction and comic relief. When you're blue, just send me a note. I'll do a little dance and send you the video. This will not be a sexy dance. At least, not intentionally.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel ya, sista. I just got my ass dumped a few weeks back. It's a fantastic feeling, huh? Horrible really. I'm back to drinking like I'm still 21! Who am I kidding...I never stopped:-) 29 going on 30...my life wasn't supposed to be like this?? Thanks for writing what alot of us are feeling...you aren't alone.

Jeni

Blogger Jessica said...

Ouch. brings memories. Those are never easy moments. I'm watching my dad do it right now, as he just got dumped.

Oh well, there's something so tantalizing about beginnings...... Love ya girl!

Blogger avocadoinparadise said...

Well written. You can always lose yourself in blogging for hours on end. It does a body good.

Wow; great writing. Everyone else has mostly said what I wanted to say (only a million times better), so I will just say this - THANK YOU for writing "faze" instead of "phase."

Blogger Alecia said...

I say sit around feeling sorry for yourself, call out sick from work, and cry until you just don't want to anymore.

Sometimes you just gotta let yourself wallow until you're done and stop worrying about whether or not you'll be ok.

Blogger Aimée said...

I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry you're hurting so much and I wish I could help more. Just know that you are dearly loved by so many, especially me. I love you, my best friend :-)

Blogger Danielle said...

you're not alone. i mean, she is not alone. she's got the blogosphere's shoulder, and virtual hands to hold across the nation and the world. one is right here in jersey. lots of love, danielle

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

I'm glad that you're writing about this. I bet it feels good to set it out into the world. :)

Blogger Nancy Drew said...

(((((((((((((((many many hugs)))))))))) sweetie you are so not alone! First you have us and most importantly, you have YOU!!!

And lady you got it goin' on!!! The only reason you'd be alone would be when you want to be.

so don't fret. We are here, we be be behind you 2000%, bad math and all, and we loves you.

so dere!!!

ND

Blogger Nancy Drew said...

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