August 9, 2006
Neuroses Numbers 471 and 582.73
Let us begin with #471: You and I leave competing Target checkouts at the same time, you pushing a cart full of cereal and body wash, me wielding two Diet Coke-laden bags in each hand. You approach. I, heading for an alternate exit, approach you. You weave, foraging for your keys rather than paying attention to your place in space. You nearly knock me into my 12-year-old cashier.

Scenario 1: You continue on without acknowledging me or my 12,000 ounces of soda product.

Scenario 2: You giggle and tell me you're sorry, making a joke about not being sure you should drive home.

Outcome for Scenario 1: Because I am my mother's daughter, I don't pow you in the kisser, but I force an exasperated "Achhhhh" as you pass. I loudly observe to my shopping companion that people are "SO RUDE THESE DAYS" and she and I come up with at least five hypotheses in response to "WHAT WAS SHE THINKING?!?" I later have a dream that I key your Chevy Malibu while you cry, but not before dumping out your six boxes of Froot Loops onto the filthy pavement. I wake up smiling. I later achieve full glory by cutting you off in real life traffic while screaming something exceedingly lame like, "HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES, BE-OTCH?!?" Then I blog about it.

Outcome for Scenario 2: You and I share a laugh, a high five, and a roll of cinnamon Mentos.

I actually thought this through. In the Target today. I'm not right.

Now for 582.73. I am infuriated by stealing. When kids take soda and candy and condoms from stores, I want to grab them by their Pleasantville ears and have them spread their contraband on the counter while pouting and saying in black and white, "Geez, Ms. Likey!" I find it uncomfortable when I witness coworkers pilfering paper clips and Post-It notes for use on their NCAA pool sheets. But I will take, from anywhere and at anytime, any periodical that strikes my fancy.

Most recently I secured a rather stellar Good Housekeeping from my salon.* During the highlighting process I discovered a well-written article on anxiety. Eh. Take it or leave it. Under the dryer I noted a fantabulous pesto recipe that I will never, as long as I live, actually reproduce in my own kitchen, but HAD TO HAVE, PEOPLE. During the haircut I found a lengthy interview with some celebrity with whom I identify because of her difficult breakup/teen acne/oppressive beauty. By the blowdry I was sweating profusely due to my overconcoction of a plan to fold the magazine under my arm, all the while covering my tracks with a hastily-assembled toilet paper cast and a stealth diversion consisting of, "is that a spider on your chin?" to the now-hysterical receptionist.

Don't even get me started on the time that, as the anesthesiologist asked me to count down from 10, that I made her promise not to confiscate the Self I had taken from the waiting room. I couldn't have been more happy to see it safe and sound. After the colonoscopy was over.




*naturally, it shall remain nameless. I watch Court TV. I know how this could go down.

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39 Comments:

Blogger Wicked H said...

I heart you Kris!

Blogger goldennib said...

I have been known to pilfer mags from my doctors' offices too.

Blogger Biscuit said...

Well, now seems like a really good time to mention that I luuuuuvs me some pesto. Could eat that stuff with a spoon. What time is dinner?

Blogger Megarita said...

the mentos roll is perfection. You're better than right. And the pesto? Insert basil leaves, pine nuts, olive oil, and a smidge of parm into food processor in ratios that please you. Press "go" until mushy and combines. Serve on everything.

Blogger Mel said...

The psychologist in me immediately went to the DSM codes to find if your neuroses numbers were an actual disorder. I'm happy to report that you are completely normal.

Unless you steal my copy of Life and Style. Then, you may have a problem.

Blogger Miss Scarlet said...

I hoarded plastic forks from work once, but only because someone told me I used too many. I used like, 1 a month. Bitch.

Blogger Juliness said...

Kris, I love this blog and your writing style and your fetish for wine and your beautiful friend Daisy and...you get the idea.

I knew I wanted to be your friend from the moment you introduced yourself at the break-out session and had to repeat your blog name like 8 times because it was apparently too complicated for *some* people!

Talking with you and Stacy-Daisy further was way too fun, but maybe that was partly due to the free wine. And I'm getting a posse together for next year with the combined goals of looking too hot for words and incorporating anyone who looks *lost* at BlogHer.

Whew. This was long.

Blogger t2ed said...

Don't hate us because of our oppressive beauty. Supermodeling is what we do not who we are.

And when are you posting vid of your colonoscopy? It's either that or back to the kitties.

Blogger playfulinnc said...

Right before my colonoscopy, I looked at the rather attractive butt doc and told him he could play a doctor on TV.

What the heck do they put in that drip??

Anonymous Jorge said...

Did the colonoscopy show the special biological advantage you have over the rest of us?

That place where you can hide any periodical without it looking obvious?

It's pretty amazing, but even moreso when you realize that there is a while pooey decimal system.

Too cheezy?

Hellz Yeah!

Blogger mamalujo1 said...

My little Papillon!

Blogger Chantel said...

I always judge people based on the contents of their baskets. Then I make up long, narrative stories about them.

Blogger Egan said...

You're a Dr. Laura fan
You're a Dr. Laura fan
You're a Dr. Laura fan



I adore the scenario and the outcome. Your mind is precious Kris. Colonoscopy? Did you have to drink a barium shake for that? "whip cream please"

Blogger Margaret said...

I'd say you were performing a service by removing an issue of Good Housekeeping from the salon: it encourages them to change out the magazines.

I am so glad you're back. I recently took a break, too -- and am finding a bit difficult to get back into the swing of things. I am so proud of your "I'm blogging about what ever I want soyou can bite me" attitude.

And... your paranoia over someone stealing your Self magazine during surgery is absolutely HILARIOUS!

Blogger MKD said...

They make drugs for that. All of it.

Blogger Keith said...

A mentos & diet coke enema would be the ultimate poor man's colonoscopy.
Mentos - the freshmaker!

Anonymous gorillabuns said...

don't you know that you aren't supposed to read public magazines? people sneeze and cough all over them, infesting them with their cooties.

neurotic, maybe....

Blogger t2ed said...

gorillabuns, that's why I never use the pen at the doctor's office. I bring my own.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I was going to say "Kris, the last thing you stole was my heart," but you're way too clever for my monkeyshines.

Blogger Thomas said...

Hello from Seattle.

Blogger tmaris said...

I understand your need for a break... I needed one too. But I am really glad that you're back.

Blogger Washington Cube said...

Tote bags.

Blogger Marissa said...

Kris! You never cease to crack my sh*t up. I love your blog!

Blogger TJ said...

lmao--so glad to see that you're back!

Your writing was definitely missed...

Welcome back!!

(Hey, can you swipe a Maxim for me next time you're in there--I'm still too embarrassed to buy one at my local CVS...)

Blogger Nat said...

I am so glad you are back! I feel like I won the lottery!

Blogger Kate The Great said...

Gosh. I am a new reader and I kind of want to slap myself for being so behind the curve.

I got your link from Nat's blog link...

Anyway. Good stuff. Keep it up.

Cheers.

Blogger babyjewels said...

How I so wanted to snag a "real simple" from the gym. But I was worried all the clucking and pecking at the ground I was doing would cause to much attention to myself.

Will you please steal me one? Please?

Blogger Virenda said...

LMAO. First off I live in suburbia hell and those scenarios happen to me all the time.

However I always lament to anyone that will listen that I wish I had a get out of insurance payments, just so I could run into those bitches. I know it's a little Fried Green Tomatoes but it makes me happy.

Blogger Brookelina said...

See, it starts with stealing magazines from the doctor's office. Then it's a lipstick from the CVS. Next thing you know you're speeding across the state line in a stolen BMW Roadster and an entire episode of America's Most Wanted dedicated to you.

Don't say I didn't warn you, Kris.

Blogger Lena said...

You should have gotten out of my damn way then! This cereal wasn't going to eat itself.

Blogger Nancy Drew said...

I soooo hear you on that first one and the fantasies...both of 'em.

I try to memorize the recipes...am too Catholic to swipe the magazines...lol...

Blogger Nancy Drew said...

p.s. and too gutless...

Blogger Sizzle said...

you never cease to make me laugh. :)

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