August 7, 2006
Some of the Real Creamery Goodness I've Been Meaning to Tell All Y'All
Hot damn it feels good to be back. Suffice it to say that I've found 16 ways to stalk via the Information Superhighway each and every person I know . . .

Bwahhhahhhhhahhhhhahhhhaaaaa! I'm just kidding. I'm over it. And here is my warning: I'm back to being me, and should you choose to read further, you may at any point from here on out read things about me that may - should you know me - make you feel angry or uncomfortable or frustrated or turned on.

Wait, that last one can't be right . . .

And by reading on, you who know me in the Real World: DC also heretofore and E Pluribus Unum certify that you will 1) accept that this is my space, 2) that mocking my love of Falco's Rock Me Amadeus is really just childish, now isn't it? and 3) that Tampax tampons are clearly the inferior of the major brands.

Enough about that. A few completely random but nonetheless very important things have been running about in my head. AHEM.

ON HOUSING. One rather depressing day, when I was trying to pull myself out of a funk with a beauty of a spicy takeout Thai dish and a walk to Eastern Market, I became physically stuck in my apartment. Not the drunk kinda "I can't figure out which one of these rectangles in the wall is my portal to the outside," but the ONE-HOUR LONG kind of jam that is MY WOOD DOOR HAS SWOLLEN TO MAD PROPORTIONS, and not knife, nor hanging on the bullheaded handle with sweaty palms, nor misdirected spells of "I wish you were never adopted!" directed at Bug and Cricket were of any assistance.

The effing thing didn't budge until in a Bailey Salinger-like emotional stuttering frenzy I phoned my father. Naturally after his first ten words the door popped open just as if the edges had been slathered with a mixture of Crisco and my humiliation.

I spent one hour on the cell bitching about the trauma and another three quarters of an hour downing a $6.99 bottle of Chardonnay from the corner store.

Because this episode apparently didn't max out the fun of being the last 32-year-old renter on the planet, my central air began pumping out HEAT Sunday afternoon despite every available dial being set to "Did you not hear me, asshat? I said really, Really cold." Sadly, I didn't realize that something was wrong until 3/4 of my face had melted off, which is most unfortunate for that big work meeting today.

ON TELEVISION. What else? Since we last spoke, I discovered the plain truth that Grey's Anatomy is the best thing to happen to the cathode ray tube since Court TV. McDreamy, you can buy me love any day. On the flip side, NPR revealing that Tina Fey is leaving SNL is akin to me someday finding out that I'm pregnant with something other than a third cat.

Last, can someone tell me when Inside the Actor's Studio became such a sellout enterprise that MARTIN LAWRENCE became acceptable talent? This is worse than 80-year-old Hicks pimping Foci on those Ford commercials. Ugh.

BUT MORE ABOUT ME.
I lied. One more thing. Am I the only gal who looks at those e-Harmony and Match.com promos and thinks, Now wait one second! Klingon McSpocksalot and Cyclops found happiness and regular intercourse in this universe, and I - with my perfect penmanship and lack of snorting and swallowing when I have a cold and relatively symmetrical eyes - am still a single woman?

NOTE TO SELF. I probably should have stopped with Martin Lawrence.


54 Comments:

Blogger I-66 said...

It could be worse, you could be a cat with two faces.

Falco is so underrated.

Blogger LaLa said...

AHA! SOMEONE else likes Falco too!

http://julaberry.blogspot.com/2006/07/falco-my-love-for-you-is-so-big.html

I am really, really glad you are back, I was checking sporadically just in case and here you are.

Welcome home.

Blogger Wicked H said...

And, she is back. Hot Damn!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous Sweet said...

Yeah that happened with my door as well. Fun times right? It took me and two of my roomies pushing and pulling for a while before we got it to budge!

Blogger Mel said...

My first week as a brand-new renter, you had to take off my rose-colored glasses! Housing in this God-foresaken area is the Suck.

And once again, Kris my dear, myspace is your friend.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Don't get me started on James Lipton and his pandering to the lowest common denominator. I don't really give a shit what Martin Lawrence's favorite sound is - and neither should anyone else.

Fight you for McDreamy.

Blogger Amber said...

You apparently haven't seen the "Inside the Actor's Studio" featuring Dave Chappelle. I mean, I love the movie "Half Baked" as much as the next person, maybe more, but really? Chappelle?

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

Bullet point comments to your bullet point post:

Who the eff would mock "Rock Me Amadeus"? Only a lunatic.

Tampax is absolutely inferior.

"Bailey Salinger-like emotional stuttering frenzy"= hahahaha

Grey's Anatomy=woohoo

Your eyes are TOTALLY symmetrical.

Um, yeah. Same boat of thought. How do eHarmony Uglians find true love and I can barely get a date? Rocks my world I tell you.

Blogger wharman said...

Welcome back Kris.

Blogger Megarita said...

I totally make fun of the match/harmony couples. My favorite pastime when they come on is calling out the happy couple's flaws like "undescended testicle!" or "illiterate!" or "actually a man!" and so on.

Blogger missbhavens said...

OB tampons all the way, My Fellow Uterine-Americans! Unchain yourselves from those tampaxian horrors!

HERE'S the Kris I know, love and missed like crazy!

And I'll be you do have perfect penmanship!

Blogger Biscuit said...

Nay, OB used to rule, but now it's the Diva cup or nothing.

Why the hell am I sharing this?

You are only 32? I know my cane is around here somewhere...

Blogger goldennib said...

eHarmony = Lowered Expectations

Blogger Shawn said...

Falco!?! I see your lousy Falco and his crack smokin' Amadeus and raise you 99 perky Luftballoons. Sorry, just feeling a tad competitive today.

And about the Match.com thing... How do you think I feel? I'm pretty sure that Cyclops wanted to date me before she met Sir McSpocksalot and they started making buttermilk biscuits with their possie on Milky Way.

Bailey Salinger makes me think of how cute Jennifer Love Hewitt was before she tried to be all slutty and grown up. I cry a single tear for the Jennifer Love Hewitt that once was.

Oh yeah, welcome back and stuff...

Blogger Miss Scarlet said...

I miss POF!!!

I wonder if the door story would work for me to be late for work or something tomorrow. Hmmm.

Blogger t2ed said...

I knew Inside the Actor's Studio had jumped the shark when they allowed Jennifer Lopez on. That Martin Lawrence is certainly a saucy rapscallion.

I'll see your Falco and raise you a Samantha Fox and Frankie Goes to Hollywood.

Truly, welcome back to your Pleasuredome.

Blogger Foodmomiac said...

Jealous that you are still experiencing McDreamy for the first time as I wait for fall to arrive, dammit!!

Have you tried Miami Ink yet? Those boys are dreamy as well, and they are way more accessible.

Blogger JordanBaker said...

Does anyone over the age of 14 or under the age of menopause even use Tampax anymore? How are they still in business. Meh.

Oh, and yeah, McSpocksalot and Cyclops found love. . .with other douchebags who share their low standards and expectations.

Blogger Amaya said...

Finally! Another person who noticed the rapid decline of my ex-favorite show.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I have the very same thought about the single life. But I'm holding out for Mr. Utterly Exceptional, and so are you.

Blogger Egan said...

You're the funniest blogger I know. I really enjoy this post. So much so that I'm going to CTRL P the sucker and paste it to my cubicle. Awww, it's so great to have you back. Your surliness rules!

Blogger kristen said...

mmmm mcdreamy. can't wait for september.

Anonymous gorillabuns said...

i choose to believe that mcspocksalot and cyclops found out that hell has truly frozen over so, they might as well mate....

Blogger k said...

you know, (and in case you're not aware, i write comments as though i'm best friends with the blogger and also the other commenters who are all probably like WHO does that BITCH think she IS and WHY do we care what she has to say about her life? unless they just completely ignore me which is also entirely possible but really not the point) i didn't know you before you went on hiatus but feel pretty confident that i, too, am glad you're back. hello!

and whatever. being a 32-year-old renter is fabulous and anyone who tells you otherwise has simply forgotten how nice it is to have a problem that gets resolved by calling the "landlord" who does not a. charge by the hour and b. come in the form of, um, you. you know? fabulous.

more wine?

Blogger k said...

ALSO.

i tried the personality test on eHarmony ("free!") and laughed aloud at the results. clearly, the test is not intended for people like me. by which we mean heathen devil children who do not attend church and for whom "faith" comes in the shape of a martini glass.

Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

I'm sorry but I tried one of those non-Tampax "pearl" things once. Let me tell you something - catch some of your down-there between those plastic pointy things and you too would swear by the cardboard Tampax. For life.

Welcome back - now I can stop taking the Prozac I was popping to hold me over until you were resurrected.

Blogger MKD said...

e-Harmony ads are stupid. That and they only match people of like races. Apparently that is one of the twenty something factors that make you "compatible."

Blogger Washington Cube said...

I know three people that completed the e-Harmony questionnaire and they didn't match with ANYONE. :::watching balloon deflate around the ceiling:::

Anonymous Maliavale said...

That August first thing is really, really intense.

I just wanted to share that.

Blogger Lola Goetz said...

i'm glad i wasn't drinking anything. because the lowered expectations comment would have had tea all over my monitor.

and i'm still waiting for you to stalk me.


tease.

Blogger Lola Goetz said...

(ugh - lola is me, because that's what i used on blogger)

becky(misspriss)

Blogger Cheryl said...

You're back! And um, you better be yourself! That's why I come here.

Blogger Freewheel said...

"...the door popped open just as if the edges had been slathered with a mixture of Crisco and my humiliation."

Why do Crisco and humiliation always seem to go hand and hand?

Blogger Cath said...

I understand your pain.. surely good spelling and nice penmanship should rate somewhere on the dating microcosm!?!

Anonymous Jorge said...

Klingon McSpocksalot.

That's what I call Dave.

Odd.

I've never particularly liked Inside the Actor's Studio all that much to begin with.

They can have their Martin Lawrence.

J

Blogger Lena said...

So glad you're back...YES!

I'd like to think "And Again" had something to do with it. But, I don't want to boast. *bats eyes*

Tampax tampons rock! They plump when you cook em. Dirty liar!

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Blogger Lola Goetz said...

spam-a-lama-ding-dong!

Blogger Chika said...

Dude -- Tampax is so not the inferior tampon brand -- I would go with Kotex. I don't know anyone that uses Kotex.

And the same thing happened to me with my door. To the point where I had my landlord shave a few layers off the top of the door. Now when it's cold, I have a hard time keeping the door closed.

I can't win!

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Blogger Freckled K said...

I'm 35 and I rent. I win?

I took the Harmony compatibility test, and had zero matches. Zero. But I'm comforted every time I see one of their commercials. I don't want to belong to that club.

Blogger hillary said...

Falco.

Rock me Amedeus indeed.

Blogger nursevl said...

Hee hee, thanks for coming back! And I use Kotex, so back off haters!
ha!

hahahahahaha, your rendition of the door incident had me CRACKING UP. Glad to see you back.

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