April 18, 2006
Steel Plates in Head
I had a little to drink this weekend.

And one night, in my happiest of happy-hour states, I made the very rational decision that it would be smart to get out and get my exercise on. I recall factoring into my assessment that I would likely feel pretty crummy in the morning, so it would be very practical to get the day’s calorie burning in the night before.

crickets.

I somehow laced up my shoes and put on matching clothing. I remembered my Nano and cell, but of course forgot to change into a sports bra – let’s be honest, taking off the first one might have resulted in me Houdini-d in the straps and having to call 911 with my toes.

I happily stumbled out the door.

I stop short of recommending drinking pre-strenuous activity, but I’ve got to be honest, I was en fuego. I was a veritable powerhouse for at least an hour, fueled by the beauty that is Britney’s Toxic and a little Lady Marmalade. I put a swagger in my step as I passed a few firemen born in the 80s and have pieced together that I, that's right - the Kris you know and maybe love - even smiled as I flew past several Moms and babies.

I know. Drunk.

As I neared the end of my Rocky run, I passed one of those automated speed signs that screams in school zones and such that you are not, indeed, crawling below the 3.5 mile-per-hour speed limit. And in the darkness, the majestic, huge numbers lit up just like my peepers do when they’ve spied a pizza:

17.

I actually did a little rock out dance, celebrating my exercise prowess. SWEET! ‘Sup, Flo Jo?!? That must be some kind of record!


crickets squared.


It had almost fully passed me before I realized it was a green minivan that registered that warp speed, not my fleshy gams.

Clearly I need to switch to beer before that marathon.

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37 Comments:

Blogger Thérèse said...

Clearly.

*giggle*

*giggle, giggle*

Ahh, Kris. That's exactly the kind of thing I would have thought. Everyone knows you become superwoman when you drink.

Blogger Washington Cube said...

LOVE this piece. How many of us have tackled oh say...cleaning the house, or doing something really insane like....go to the grocery store and later, sober, you think...uhhh. But exercising? Too, too funny. ^5

Blogger twobuyfour said...

You are a riot. I adore your posts. Sure, my entertainment is based largely on curiosity for what asinine thing you're going to do next, but please don't stop living that way or writing about it.

Next time I see one of those speed traps I'm gonna get liquored up and put my running shoes on....

Blogger liberalbanana said...

Too funny!

I have always thought about going running drunk. (I sure as hell don't do it sober.) Whenever I've run to catch up with a friend while in an inebriated state (walking to the car, going to another bar, whatever) I'm always amazed at how awesome it feels.

"Wow, if you can't really feel your legs, it makes running a helluva lot easier!"

Good times.

Blogger JordanBaker said...

I don't know if it's funnier that you thought you were going that fast, or that the van was really going that slow.

Blogger TJ said...

lmao :) Hang in there, Kris--that minivan will be eating your dust in no time.

Looks like we both had exercise on the brain for our posts this week--although I think my spinning class would definitely fly by quicker if I substituted Absolut in my water bottle.

Of course not falling off of the bike could be a challenge...

Blogger J said...

I think I've run drunk too...not often, because falling down can be an issue....

Anonymous Maliavale said...

Kris Joyner-Kersee!

This may be my favorite post and thusly my favorite thing you've ever done.

IT KICKS SO MUCH ASS. Much like your warp speed.

Blogger Sizzle said...

i am really athletic when i drink. ;)

Blogger afromabq said...

i can't even exercise when i'm sober, much less intoxicated....you're the queen!!

Blogger t2ed said...

This is why we always mandated drinking before our team's softball games. Bacchus, the God of Drunken Fools, will always look out for you.

I can't wait for Nike's Cross Drinkers (with best in flask technology) to hit the market.

Blogger Heather B. said...

I'm laughing my ass off, because had I seen you on your fast run, I would've possibly died. So actually, I'm a little disappointed.

Anonymous angelina said...

to my mind, there really is no other way to "excercise", especially when lifting a half-empty magnum is considered extraneous physical activity in my house.

Anonymous Jorge said...

Kris,

You need to go for the hard stuff before a run.
That way you don't feel any pain.

Of course, lying on the grown sideways with your legs twitching may not technically count as exercise.

Hm ov runoing!

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Anonymous Eileen said...

A friend in University after a drinking binge wondered just how far he could run. Straps on shoes and starts running. He made it quite a way when his knee blew out. Ah what fun explaining that in the hospital. "Didn't you notice your knee was hurting?" "Uh- no",

Blogger Chika said...

I'm surprised you didn't ralph while running!

I remember going on a work retreat with a woman who woke up 4 fours after passing out from what had to be an attempt at alcohol poisoning, and RUN 5 miles. This was upstate NY in the woods. Crazy, I tell you.

But you rock on with your bad self, Kris!

Blogger Cheryl said...

There is noting like alcohol to boost our egos!

Blogger Darbs said...

Truly impressive that you were able to exercise under the influence...I can't even muster up the strength/desire/discipline to excercise sober.

So funny. I must confess that I've engaged in such behavior before, and it's pretty recommendable. You don't realize how hard your working -- heck, let's face it, you can't really feel your legs -- so you feel like Pre Fontaine.

Also, I'm pertty sure that working out moves the alcohol through your blood stream faster, thus alleviating much of the impending hangover pain. :)

Blogger Oh, that girl. said...

I am so sad that you couldn't have joined us and taken on of the dogs with you on this walk, though I am sure they would have more likely taken you on a walk. Ha ha. Glad you had a great weekend.

Shit, I think ou are on to something girl. Running While Intoxicated.

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

Oh man Kris I've been there. And called a cab to get back to ther !@#$%^ car. EM-barrassed.....Glad you had fun...that is so damn cool!!!!You rock big time lady!!!

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

That's so awesome. One good sign that I might be drunk is that I make the decision to run home. Hmmm... maybe if we ever meet for happy hour, we could be training partners...

Anonymous Jacynth said...

i have a coworker that often does the "drunk out". He'll have like 5 gin and tonics and then take to the treadmill and weights. It must be a phenomenon!

Anonymous jurgen nation said...

I didn't believe you the first three times you said you were out exercising when we were on the phone. Because, why??!

Blogger maybetomorrow said...

That is hilarious!! Just came upon your blog and lovin' it - you are an inspiration - now I know that it is alcohol that I need to actually get going - who knew???

Blogger Poppy Cede said...

Hey, if getting drunk is how you are motivated to exercise then BRING IT. :) Nice job on the 17mph!!! Oh, and not molesting the firemen.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

drunk runners are hawt.

Anonymous sandra said...

Um...so I'm not drunk and I thought, "wow,, 17 miles/hour -- she's amazing!"

Blogger Mister Underhill said...

It would be even scarier if one of those things could pick you up while running at all...you would have to literally weigh a ton!

Blogger DC Cookie said...

I would argue that a glass of wine before every workout will increase the intensity every time. It's the 4 glasses of wine that really don't help...

Blogger Lord Misanthropy said...

I had a roommate in college who would get hammered and then come home and lift weights like Barry Bonds after a shot of growth hormone. He was a MACHINE!

Just found your blog...good stuff!

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