July 28, 2006
A Revelation AND On Relationships or The Bear Whisperer, not in any particular order
I've been asked to be a special stunt blogger because your regularly scheduled author is officially on a break. That she has asked me to fill the temporary void of her hiatus is both honoring for me and head-scratching for you. Who is this guy? That's right. I'm just a guy. A guy like any other. A guy like no other. For I am the Bear Whisperer.

Now, our hostess has asked me to write about relationships. And because I got lucky once, she thinks I can do it again. This is why you never press your bets. But I'll try it and see where this strange journey takes us. Enlightenment? I think not. Ten minutes closer to quitting time? Oui.

The first thing you need to understand is that men are essentially just bears in pants. We're straight-forward. We're easy to understand. We're basic. We would live in a cave if that cave had cable and a couch. We don't examine our bodies for flaws. We don't have pillows, soap or towels that are only for guests. We take pleasure in the success (and failure) of all men everywhere. We identify with our teams more than our own emotions. And if you try to make sense of why we cried when Bobby Bowden finally won a national championship or Cal Ripken retired but not at our Mother's funeral, you're just going to make yourself nuts.

I'm no savant. I'm no shaman. I'm not offering any more insight into the traditional male psyche than you could get if you just bought them a beer and started asking the right questions. But if you'll trying to ask those questions in the last 5 minutes of a sporting event or with the phrase "we need to talk." No good can come from that.

Second, we understand that your goal in life is to make us love you. But even more important than that, we understand that you want us to tell you we love you. We do love you, we really do. But we don't want to have to be like two generals launching missiles who turn the keys simultaneously. You know we love you. We just told you two hours ago. What did you do in the interim--cheat on me or hit your head? Did you forget already? Write it down for the sake of sweet baby jebus.

But in making us love you, you want us to change. Marriage is an institution not a reformatory. And relationships are like a sweet little bird that you hold gently in your cupped hands. Sometimes it flies free and high and beautifully. And sometimes you want to bite its head off. And when you run around trying to catch a little bird in your hands, you wind up with poop on your hands and no bird.

A successful relationship is when you finally meet that person you want to drive crazy for the rest of your life. You know how it is. That look she gives when you're shopping that says "Set the electronic device down and move slowly toward the door or I'm going to kill you." That look when you see two people who obviously shouldn't procreate. That look when you meow in public. That look when he dances in front of her friends. That look when she does karaoke and doesn't need the lyrics for anything in the Manilow catalog. That look that says she gets you and you get her and man aren't all these other people morons for not getting it.

You'll eventually get that look. And you can get that look even if you have ankles that aren't perfect or fuzzy eyebrows or low cheekbones or breasts that are too big. Bears don't care about that stuff.

Just don't ask us bears to think about giving you that look. You'll get it when you come over with pizza and beer. It'll be because we're looking at you and not because we're secretly checking the box to see if you ordered from the right place. Now get over here and cuddle on the couch because you're blocking the game and it's practically kick off for crying out loud. And you know we enjoy the game more when you're watching it with us too. So quit asking who that guy is already.

-----------------------------------------------

Can you not see why I e-love this guy already? That's right; I e-adore you, TO.

In other news, a girl can't feel this good about herself and writing and her crazy ass peers at a place like BlogHer and not come back to blogging. Like soon.

See you in a few, wonderful readers.

Labels:



33 Comments:

Blogger mamalujo1 said...
Blogger Foodmomiac said...

You must come back.

Blogger Washington Cube said...

Just be prepared to find empty pizza boxes and beer cans all over your blog when you get back. You didn't expect him to clean up after himself, did you? Sheesh.

P.S. You need six new wine glasses, a coffee table and sheets...lots of new sheets. Shit happens.

Blogger Finn said...

Perfect. Both the post and your emminent return. xo

Anonymous Sweet said...

Glad you're coming back. Have fun at Blogher!

Blogger themikestand said...

Nice work, Mr. StandInGuy... Entertaining and accurate. Loved the part about "...cheat on me or hit your head"? A truism if ever there were one.

See (read?) you when you get back, Kris. I'll look for you as I stalk the flickr pages for BlogHer 2006 pics.

Blogger A Unique Alias said...

Twenty points for the stand-in! Well said, sir.

So, so true about "the look."

Wonderful post!

Blogger Freewheel said...

LOL...a well-chosen sub!

And like everyone else, I look forward to the return of Mamalikey.

Blogger jenn said...

wow that post was enlightening AND uplifting! Thanks, t2ed...

And yay! see you soon, Kris!

Anonymous Maliavale said...

Yay, a post! And I like it! And I had some wine and now I'm excited! Whee!

Anonymous edge said...

so well said, really dude, wish I had written it

Blogger Beth said...

glad that I've been checking this blog in the hopes of hearing that Mama is coming back!

Blogger Jessica said...

I knew my OCD checking in would pay off!

Blogger Miss Scarlet said...

Love the male insight and OH SO HAPPY for a return:)

Blogger goldennib said...

GuestBlogger's post should be mandatory reading for all women trying to maintain a relationship. Oh, was I talking during the game? Sorry.

Glad you'll be back soon, Kris.

Blogger ana. said...

do come back. both of u. together. or apart. dont really care. just continue posting :)
(..and even tho im lesbian i can now TOTALLY get some things!)

Blogger hillary said...

no one can resist the thrill of blogging.

Blogger Carmen said...

I just found your site, thanks to finding you and your gorgeousness this weekend. When I read that you were not going to post, I whispered some curses - but now you are back!

Whee! I can't wait to read all of your archives! You were so warm and friendly to me this weekend, that it will really be a pleasure to get to know you!

Blogger missbhavens said...

Kudos to the mystery sub! Great piece on an important subject.

And looking forward to your highly anticipated bloggy return, you sassy vixen, you!

Glad you've decided to come back. We all need a break now and then. As for your guest blogger. I think I e-adore him too. Great read!

Blogger Guinness_Girl said...

YAY!!!!!! Come back, come back, come back!

Anonymous Jorge said...

Excellent entry, T2ED.

I both admire and hate you for being able to sub in for Mama. More admire though. Hate is for wusses and dark emperors.

But I will just chalk that to the border. ;)

Mama, here's looking at you coming back safe and sound. While there was never any doubt about you returning to blogging (at least, I didn't doubt you), it's been a while without a hit from the good stuff.

I mean, seriously, I was trying to snort that trailer you left after the guy wrote his awesome piece.

Blogger Wicked H said...

Brilliance on a stick t2ed. I am printing this one out for those insecure times. Also bravo if you had even a small part in bringing Kris back to blog land.

Blogger Amber said...
Anonymous mrs. jorge said...

Either I'm a very blessed woman, or you're a little off base with your stereotypical ideas of both men AND women. Or perhaps Canadian men are a much kinder, warmer and more thoughtful breed.

Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

Yippee! Yippee!

Anonymous becky said...

kris!!!!! dude. i think i love you. you can stalk me anytime, and i hope you do if you make it to san diego. or i make it up your way.

total fun. so glad i got to meet you. i hope we talk soon. *mwah*

Blogger yournamehere said...

Good to know you're coming back.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

What an utterly fabu post. It makes me want to run out and get a bear of my own, already.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been looking for sites like this for a long time. Thank you!
» » »

Here it is... FREE advertising, FREE download. No cost to you! Get your FREE download NOW! Make money and get FREE advertising! This is a great program for you to take advantage of... Check this out now for FREE!

To find out more visit: earn residual income site. It successfully exposes FREE information covering traffic and earn residual income related stuff. Don't forget, FREE, FREE, FREE!!!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Post a Comment

<< Home

footer