April 6, 2006
Reader Male
Sometimes a man's perspective is so refreshing. This has shown itself to be particularly true in the age of my recent relationship woes, when men have offered me some of the most sage words of wisdom sans analysis, Baked Doritos, and estrogen.

This first gem comes from Quinn*, a man who has known Kris since the days when she exceeded the legal limit for hanging out at bad Georgetown bars and had a diagnosable aversion to cats. A man who talks fondly of Depeche Mode and his years at Universi-teh, and who might be the first international man of mystery to wear an ascot by age 35. Recently reunited with an old love (and it feels so good), he offered these pearls of wisdom:

Sometimes it takes a year apart to realize that there really is no one else out there who's interested.

I mean, to realize that you were meant to be together.
Crickets.

And then there is one of the blogger loves of my life, t2ed, the Sporty Spice to my Ginger/Baby hybrid, a man who makes relationships and humor and working for the man and knowing the words to more hair band songs than I do seem effortless, who sent me this wonderful missive:

I got married so I could quit dating and let myself
go. In fact, I still threaten the wife with making
her date every now and then.

Make sure you have Matt Groening's Love is Hell. See
if you can pick out which type of couple you were.
Once this becomes funny, you're ready for further
punishment/dating.

As dating is essentially a job interview with the
threat of sex, you've got to start networking. Start
working those contacts as you have an opening to fill,
my friend. Any possibilities at the old job? Or new
one if you like really, really awkward moments in the
office.

It is one of life's great mysteries how you always
find the perfect person once you're attached. Anyone
you turned down that you wish you hadn't? Taking up
with his best friend is always a nice touch.

Alternatively, find someone who looks just like him
and either go for a hate hump or stand him up for a
date. Both will make you feel better.

Make a list of all those traits you wish for in a boy
toy. Now rank them. Now, what are must haves?
Realize that "Pulse" and "Buys Me Dinner" are really
the only must haves on your list. See, there are
plenty of guys who fit the bill!

You should relish all those things you can do now that
you're "out of committee." Order whatever you want on
your pizza. Watch all those girly movies he'd never
sit through. Randomly talk about your feelings in the
middle of sporting events. Buy pillows for your bed
that are just for show. Buy small soaps and
handtowels that may not be used. Throw your clothes
everywhere. Do whatever you want to. This will only
be a phase so do not paint your apartment black.

Sorry you are blue. Things will get better. Now
continue to crank Love Bites, Love Stinks, Hate Myself
for Loving You, Bad Medicine, and I Like Them Big and
Stupid (by Julie Brown) as loud as your neighbors can
stand it.

Keep your chin up, kid.

t2ed

I love you guys.


*he so wishes this was his name.

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47 Comments:

Blogger Amber said...

They are SO wise. I'll tell you, it's going to be a rude awakening for me in the (unlikely) event that I find a man who wants to move in with me. My house is clean, but my downfall? Clothes strewn EVERYWHERE. Living alone means taking off your clothes where you feel like it and never having to pick them up until you're tired of tripping over them on the way to the bathroom. It's great. So yeah -- enjoy it while you can.

Blogger I-66 said...

What IS the legal limit for hanging out at bad Georgetown bars? I'm pretty sure there are plenty in the general population who are in violation right now. I'm sure I'm already past the limit myself.

Blogger Megarita said...

Christ, I'm laughing but they're kind of right. Wisdom and simplicity that only boys can provide. "Hate hump" is now my phrase of the day...

Blogger liberalbanana said...

t2ed's email is destined to become one of those forwards that gets sent to every girl who has just gone through a rough breakup to make her feel better. Good stuff.

(Love the Ginger/Baby hybrid reference, too!)

Blogger Finn said...

Oh. My. God. A man who knows about Matt Groening's "Love is Hell." I love that book. You must find it and read it. It is the funniest thing I have ever read in my life. It will make you feel better, I promise.

If you can find it, you must read and them e-mail me your favorite parts so I can laugh my ass off again. ;)

Oh, and it's always good to get perpective from the other side.

Blogger Wicked H said...

You are one lucky lady Kris. You just cannot buy wisdom like that. Thanks for sharing. Hey do you think they would assist a fellow blogger should she need sage advice?

Blogger Jamie said...

Kris, I have no idea what is going on in your life (as I do not actually know you) but whatever it is, I hope things get better.

If I need to send you an enormously fatty, wonderful, and full of goodness deep dish pizza from Chicago, I will do it.

Very very funny (and true). Hope the male wisdom at least made you laugh. And I agree with Megan: read the book and then write about it, so I can look forward to some more of your wisdom.

Blogger bandick said...

Where was t2ed when McFuzzybottom and I were split up last year? Or the year before for that matter? Krisser, you have tons of support. Especially the silent type like that which you are constantly receiving from me.

And, Amber, NO negative self-speak here. When you are ready it will be a totally "likely" event that a man will live with you and you'll have to start using the hamper again. Until then, enjoy the space.

Blogger Heather B. said...

I'm really terrible with the advice. Like I'll just stand there awkwardly and say "oh no" emphatically. I might nod my head a few times. And via the internet? I'm only good for suggesting alcohol.

That said, some of the male race are actually quite nice and normal.

Blogger zeldafitz said...

Brilliant man-vice. I especially like the "hate hump."

Blogger angelatee said...

T2ed is one of the most clever men I have the pleasure of not knowing.

Who knew the anonymous web could yield such wonderful, intimate relationships?

Blogger Aimée said...

I love your boys! And I introduced you to the first one :-)

Blogger Aimée said...

but I like the second one better ... whuh?

Blogger Aimée said...

But seriously, their advice is wonderful and valuable and inspiring and so very special because it shows how much they care about you and how much we all care about you. I love you, boo, and this too shall pass... insert cliche here, check. Unfortunately the pizza part is a lie - now you have to get what I want - mmm... pineapple and ham ...insert humor here, check ... and scene.

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

Really good advice. Golly, boys get it after all! :)

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

I like these guys. They're good pals, keep 'em!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

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Blogger TJ said...

t2ed summed it up perfectly. And if it's Baked Doritos you need, I could hop on I95 and have them there in no time.

(hang on a minute--you mean we aren't supposed to actually use those small soaps after all...??)

Blogger Darbs said...

Very entertaining :o)

Blogger Plunky said...

You have to have a smile on your face when "Bad Medicine" is playing. I mean really "what else is going to cure that disease?".

Anonymous Maliavale said...

It sounds like you're in need of a Margarita Intervention. I will be down there, stat. Gossiping and shit-talking will commence. Many chips will be eaten.

Or, conversely, we can do all that in Baltimore! Come and play!

Blogger Jessica said...

Those were fabulous words of advice! :)

Blogger Sizzle said...

we give the male species a lot of shit and it's a shame. my male pals teach me so much without all the "processing" and sometimes a girl needs that like she needs a pair of fat jeans.

:) sizz

Blogger Bill said...

I think the date description, "...a job interview with the
threat of sex," should be framed.

"Why don't you date?"

"I dunno. Why don't I have a root canal without Novocaine?"

Blogger Thérèse said...

I very much agree with the man's perspective being fresh.

I mean refreshing.

Anonymous Jorge said...

You've got lots going for you.
And lots of people rooting for you.
This type of situation is never permanent if you open your eyes.
One way or the other, someone out there will gladly give up everything for you.

T MINUS 14 DAYS!

Blogger t2ed said...

Men, we're so straightforward sometimes, it's like we're idiot savants. Or maybe just half of that.

The catchphrase is "Men -- We're Just Bears in Pants.

It's sweeping the nation and all the cool kids are doing it.

Blogger Mister Underhill said...

Well, I lurk here but usually neer have anything to say, and probably listening oo me is not the best route to happiness, but....

It is sad, but I have realized you can't look at relationships as a destination, really, but something you kind of have to work at, and realize usually are not permanent regardless of what that person tells you and that over the years things can change a lot.

Hmm, that does not sound good - I thought I had an actual point, but maybe not.

Blogger DC Cookie said...

I heart men...

Anonymous Anonymous said...

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Blogger TJ said...

boy, Anonymous--you really give sucky relationship advice.

Why don't you put that extra $900 to use and pick up a copy of 'Cosmo' or something...

Anonymous GothamGirl said...

I almost stopped reading when I got to your opening line: "Sometimes a man's perspective is so refreshing."

I know, I know -- Jaded much?

(I'm a New Yorker; I'm supposed to shove old ladies out of the way in order to grab cabs and complain about how there are no men to date, even though I live in a city with 8 million people. Right?)

But your chosen males did have interesting things to say.

So perhaps I should strike the middle ground and listen to a man instead of opting to either throw my drink at him or stick my tongue down his throat. Middle ground might not be so bad....

Blogger Kim said...

t2ed's mine.

Seriously.

Back off.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

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Blogger Bill said...

Just for the record ... We do understand that the world is made up of two genders? And we do understand that gender has nothing to do with intelligent comment? That only an idiot accepts or dismisses something based on what gender is expressing it? That people are unique individuals? We do know that, don't we? Or, despite our years, have we been living our lives with our heads up our rectums?

Just wondering.

(Sorry for sounding cranky but I hate the compartmentalized view of the world.)

Anonymous Anonymous said...

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Blogger KlevaBich said...

And WE love YOU. Now I'm off to make some nice extra cash shopping for secrets. Or secret shopping. whatever.

Blogger missbhavens said...

Sometimes a man's perspective is just the ticket. Sage advice was offered--and eloquently, too!

But, as a woman, I would never offer you "sage words of wisdom" paired with baked Doritos.

No, my friend. Only deeply, deeply fried Doritos. In the elusive "Taco" flavor.

Blogger katie's brain said...

You know what I like about being a single woman? No one in my house mocks me for owning the entire set of Felicity dvds. There's something to be said for that.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great blog! (no, I am not spam :)

Blogger Bill said...

Wow. I sound like a crank. Must have been a day at work that disagreed with me. (Actually, most work days disagree with me.)

Blogger K said...

These are some awesome quotes. Love love love them.

I have a pulse and have been known to buy dinner.

Blogger NARDAC said...

that's nice, and useful too. like a used teddy bear some drooling kid hands to you to wipe your runny nose. But, as a boy has recently wreaked havoc in my life, I find no consolation whatsoever in any of those sayings. I just want to get drunk.

Anonymous Mrs. Jorge said...

I just wanted to say "hey" and let you know that we're BOTH thinking of ya.

:)

Later skater!

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Wow, even I feel better after this post.

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