June 20, 2006
Kris Durham
Ok, lame title, but I'm full of Turkish kebob and had a beautiful gay bar experience in which I was denied entrance to the all-male two-step dance floor. Ho hum.

So I thought you might like a little run down of how the ball playing's been going.

Game #1 - PUT ME IN COACH

Kris shows up ready to get her swing on. She hasn't been able to extend both arms to wash her hair properly for all 48 hours after a misinformed solo trip to the batting cages. (During said trip a < 10-year-old schmookie IN PINK HELMET actually hit better than she, and Kris briefly considered STUFFING SAID SCHMOOKIE in the trunk of the Sentra. Briefly, people.) Prior to Game 1 someone actually makes a serious comment about how he can help rookies at the batting cages who aren't used to having "balls flying at their faces."

Crickets.


Kris is put at second base because a number 1) apparently that's where the rookie girls are placed, and b number 2) someone heard about her high school hook-up history. She shakes in the field until a ball comes flying her way, and forgetting all she was taught in the 2.4 seconds of practice prior to taking her place in slow-pitch history, neglects to scoop the ball in her glove and instead decides to make the play any way she can. Which translates to stopping it WITH HER SHIN.

The team considers it a success as Kris checks to see if the massive bruise has yet spread to her ovaries.

Game #2 - WHY DO WE PLAY DOUBLE HEADERS AGAIN?

That wasn't the real question. The real question involved something along the lines of "Kris, what would have possessed you to go on a wine tour and drink for the 12 hours prior to standing in the Lawrence of Arabia heat while wearing a three-pound leather mitten?"

Game #3 - AH, YES. THIS IS WHY PEOPLE IN MIAMI DON'T WEAR UNDERWEAR.

94 degrees. Sweat is pretty on birthing mothers, construction workers who aren't holding up your lane of traffic, and Paul Newman, well, at pretty much anytime. Perspiration is not pretty on the Kris.

In Game 3 a mid-week batting cage extravaganza translates into two sweet spot hits that boggle the mind of the Kris, enough to make her FREEZE IN AWE FOR TWO TO THREE SECONDS AFTER HITTING THE BALL BEFORE BEGINNING THE SPRINT TO FIRST BASE.

Kris: Baby Jebus, I hit the ball! Did all y'all see that? (points into left field in slow mo, Bionic Man style.) No really, I hit it!

Team Member 1: Shut your mothergrubbing trap!

First Base Coach: Run, you idiot!

Team Members 2, 5 & 7:
What's a blog?

Ho hum. You can't win 'em all.


27 Comments:

Blogger twobuyfour said...

Atta girl! Go you!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, but all the boys ('cept maybe from the gay bar) say "We pick the Kris!" when you're choosing up teams. Especially for the away games in Miami, 'cuz when she sweats the uniform clings, and ...

Go, rookie girl!

Blogger jenn said...

Ah, yes... the joys of company soft(base?)ball. If you're anything like me, those hits will remain a source of pride for a loooooooooooong time to come :) (as well they should!)

Thanks for this, Kris- you provided a much-needed comedic segue into Tuesday morning!

Blogger t2ed said...

Two hits? You need to hold out for more money. They obviously just drafted you for your amazing shin-based defensive prowess. But if you're going to hit as well, you definitely need to renegotiate your contract.

To speed this process along, I suggest you star referring to yourself in the third person at all times. And a run in with the law never hurt either. There is no bad press during contract renegotiating time.

Blogger Finn said...

You got two hits! Yeah!

Next stop, the Olympics...

Blogger Miss Scarlet said...

Yay! good job with the hits.

How's the bruise? OUCH!

Blogger a.nort said...

LMAO!!!!!!!! oh seriously, too funny, i can't stop laughing...

Nice work girl, you'll be batting clean-up soon :)

Blogger I-66 said...

I'm not sure now whether this underwear/Miami revelation should make me want to go to Miami or not...

Blogger Chantel said...

See you can play softball. Nice work. Now ruuuuun Forrest!!!!!

My very first game I tore my quadra-cep in two places. And so began my six/seven year softball career.

Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

I'm laughing so hard I'm crying.

Way to show those guys what you can do with a ball. Perhaps the rest of your team should consider drinking pre-game. Seems to have helped your performance!

Great post!

Blogger Egan said...

Marvelous account of softball. Did you make the mistake of telling someone about your blog? You're hardcore if you're hitting the batting cages for practice. Best of luck.

Anonymous Maliavale said...

Bwah! 3-pound leather mitten! So true.

I'm playing ball for my work team, too. We should hit the batting cages (lest they hit us back).

Blogger Jon said...

I hope "mid-week batting cage extravaganza" is code for "getting drunk on a Tuesday." Otherwise, I'm confused...

Anonymous Jurgen Nation said...

You had me at "Turkish kebob."

Anonymous Jorge said...

Way to go mama!

Bat out of hell they said.

They were right.

Blogger smoochie said...

Sweating not good. I loathe sweating... but unfortunately it's a necessity. Blast it all. Way to go on those hits! Next stop, World Series!!!!

Blogger Brookelina said...

Well done woman. I can't play softball to save my life. No depth perception. It's really quite entertaining to watch.

Blogger Heather B. said...

Good job kid.

Blogger Kim said...

so help me, I will find out where these games are played if it's the last thing i do.

Blogger Bill said...

I don't recall seeing any reference to beer in the dugout. This puzzles me as I see no reason to be involved in such barbaric rituals unless there is beer in the dugout. In my experience, you play better with beer. At the very least, you lose all concern about how well you play.

I can't believe you engaged in this activity.

Blogger goldennib said...

Bill is totally right. No beer, no game. Congrats on hitting the ball.

Blogger playfulinnc said...

Yesterday I drove past the field where my parents made me play softball as a child. It did make me want to run, but run screaming the other way.

Blogger MKD said...

No, seriously. What IS a blog?

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

You're so the bomb (oh, yes, I'm breaking out the early '90s terminology) for going to the cages. And it paid off! Woot!

(psst! i got your e-mail! i sent a reply! i hope this time it goes through :) )

Blogger Cheryl said...

Ah, the joys of summer.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I love sports.

Anonymous Kristi said...

Ha! I played softball (badly) for years... I made the ball-stopping-shin-move not once, but twice... I feel for you.

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