March 23, 2006
A Gimp in Woman’s Clothing
In another demonstration of the pure power of my genius, I nearly gave up a digit today while trying to ease the first of a series of hand wipes through the Venus Fly Trap that is the lid’s plastic X. I also nearly lost my master’s degree when I couldn’t figure out whether you thread the first wipe on the outside of the roll, or the one nested deep in the middle of the damp madness. It almost brought back yesterday’s headache.

Earlier embarrassments to humankind include, but are not limited to the following:

No matter how many times I’m told, I can’t remember whether a 90-minute cassette tape has 90 minutes on each side, or a total of 90 minutes overall. (The former would make a full 180 minutes of, say, Air Supply, which I think we’d all agree would be undeniably sweet.) I was never so happy when CDs debuted.

I don’t get commercials like a woman with half a brain should. Remember the “Fall into the Gap?” campaign of, say 2003? I always thought those were pretty low on the creativity ladder – Uh yeah. We get it. It’s FALL. Great going, Gap geniuses. It didn’t occur to me until late 2005 that they were actually double entendre-ing about plunging into a literal abyss. Sadly, the beau had to witness this epiphany, which I’m pretty sure accounted for 76% of the variance in him breaking up with me. Don’t get me started on my March 2006 realization re: Verizon’s “Raising the Bar” ads. On select Tuesdays I am a dumb woman.

Last week I used the non-word examinate on two different professional phone calls. With physicians.

I will occasionally attempt to TiVo things that happen in my real life. Like the radio. My hand will get dangerously close to the << button on my tape deck before I realize that, try as I might, I won’t be able to hear that Paula Abdul song again until the FM gods will it so. I will also do this with the “what did she just say?” query in actual human conversations. Right.

It really is better that you only know me via the Internets.

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40 Comments:

Anonymous MappyB said...

Last week, I asked a co-worker where a certain object was located on a very busy map, and she said, 'it's in the middle.' and I replied, 'which middle?'

No shit. I feel you on this post!

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

You're such a sweetie!!! There was a Calvin and Hobbes bit where Calvin said that his life needed a rewind button. Hobbes said "and a volume control".

A-Men!!

Blogger twobuyfour said...

You are absolutely on the money with the need for life to have a rewind button. I've done it in my car countless times. I've never done it with an actual person though....

I was in my 20s before I realized that the "van" in moving companies, like "Bekins van lines" was a reference to the type of vehicle involved rather than a prefix on someone's last name; like Dick VAN Dike or Vincent VAN Gogh. Der.

You write wonderfully. It's very enjoyable to catch your bits of wittiness.

Blogger I-66 said...

You, my friend, only need an mp3 player. That alone would halt any Paula Abdul replay problems :)

Blogger missbhavens said...

Fall! Ha! OOPS!

I actually didn't realise "Raising the Bar" had a meaning other than the expression "Raising The Bar" ' till you mentioned it and I had to sit here and reeeeeaaaaallly think about it.

Blogger Beth said...

I repeatedly (and inexplicably) use the word "stoled" (which I do realize is not a word at all).

And I often reach for the volume knob on my radio when the passenger in my car is speaking too quietly.

Sigh.

Anonymous sandra said...

Remember the '80s group, Wang Chung? And remember the song they sang, Everybody Have Fun Tonight? The next line of that was "everybody Wang Chung tonight". Which seems uncomplicated, since it was the name of the friggin' band...yet no. I thought -- until really recently -- that they were saying, "everybody get junk tonight". Clever. Also, I couldn't think of the word "puppy" earlier. I was describing it and waving my arms around saying, "you know -- a small young dog".

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank God! I thought I was the only one who couldn't remember everyday words like puppy and...stuff.

As long as you don't think you invented the internets, I think you're still a winner!

Blogger movin'mom said...

Oh No- I actuakky have a friend a great one at that , who patiently listens to my go on and on about issues, kids etc.. she then houses my slip up sand WHAM slams me on them while out withthe girls mid-gulp of a drink which always follows with a beverage spray out the mouth or through the nose.....for instance one day I through out a bag of worms as opposed to a can- I also one day said I'm not the type of person who puts the horse before the cart....OH I know It's hard to recover from those flops, with witness' around.
MUSIC on the rewind-this is why I got an XM boom box at home ( love the 80's genre) you can go back up to 5 songs. I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!

Blogger movin'mom said...

did I ACTUALLY put 2 k's inplace of my 2 L's oops...I did it again....

Blogger Thérèse said...

I try to "undo" stuff all the time. Just yesterday I tried to "undo" hanging up my coat, cause I realized that I had forgotten something and had to go out again.

Blogger Biscuit said...

"nearly lost my master's degree" OMG, I can't tell you how many times my husband and I have said "We have four degrees between the two of us. We can figure this out."

I think I'm going to need his help on that raising the bar thing...

Blogger t2ed said...

I too blame TIVO for my constant attempts to fast forward through live tv. I can only watch stuff on tape so I can watch only what I want.

Oh, and thanks to Ipod, I still want my own theme song.

Blogger Guinness_Girl said...

I do things like this ALL the time. Oh, and Sandra, your Wang Chun comment cracked me up. Very reminiscent of 7th grade, when I thought S-s-s-s-samantha Fox was singing "Don't let me be in your Sunday school" instead of "Don't let me be misunderstood."

Blogger Kris said...

I love all of your confessions. I am not alone in my stupidity! Wait, I didn't mean that.

GG - You did not just bust out the S-s-s-s-samantha Fox. I almost lost it on that one. Excellent.

t2ed will love that reference.

Blogger Wicked H said...

Wait.
Expecially is not a real word?
Bummer...

Blogger JJ said...

I have the same TiVo impulse. Even with things like road signs.

Blogger zeldafitz said...

Buy. Bought. Boughten.

I used to think I was smart too.

I like "examinate." It sounds like something Arnold Schwarzenegger would do. If he were a doctor.

Anonymous Jorge said...

Man, I would have gone to Sunday school if Samantha Fox was there.

You can't count how many times I put milk in the dish cupboard and empty glasses in the freezer.

I, too, am a dumb woman.

Blogger J said...

You're not dumb, you're just too smart to waste your time thinking about commercials. That's my excuse, and I'm sticking to it. ;)

Blogger kimmay said...

during a game in which i needed to give clues and my team needed to guess the answer, i gave clues about old yeller when the answer they needed to provide (and the correct clues that i needed to give) was old faithful. and that was on a saturday!

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

I feel your pain. It took me about five years to understand those bumper stickers that say "visualize whirled peas." I was visualizing them, all right, but I never connected them with world peace.

Blogger Sizzle said...

wait. you mean they still make cassette tapes? ;)

you should read my blog today. i do stupid things too- re: ringtones.

you are so super charming kris. i can't help but love ya.

:) sizz

Blogger Plunky said...

Um, yeah, I think no matter how smart we are, we all have dumb moments. Case in point, I love the comma and use it whenever possible, even when it's not possible.

Blogger Guinness_Girl said...

Kris, oh yes I did. So happy to have amused!

Blogger Cheryl said...

Oh, we all have those moments though. Either way, it's good to know you.

It's good to know I'm not the only one who thinks that way.

Anonymous Eileen said...

I like examinate. It works for me.

Blogger Maliavale said...

I HATE those fucking dispensers! I can never figure them out, EITHER! I just open the damn thing when I want one and unroll one.

And all the boxes in my kitchen look they were opened by mice. With only half their teeth.

Blogger Brookelina said...

But did you know that Chicken of the Sea was actually tuna?

Blogger Kim said...

I don't know you.

Blogger nursevl said...

Last year I went to WalMart to buy a trampoline for my kids....I asked my husband, does this come assembled?
Brunette, thank you.
I then pictured me strapping the said trampoline to the car and driving home......

Blogger Tracie B. said...

hey don't worry about saying examinate. if you want to conversate about your vocabularic problems with an expert, i'll be happy to offerate my services.

Blogger Chantel said...

I was at a lecture three weeks ago. I actually witnessed a PHD make up "arrestitation" and try to pass it off as a real word.

You're fine! I think you can get away with examinate.

Blogger playfulinnc said...

You have the best blog posse.

Blogger Jessica said...

Omg, I just got the full meaning of "Raising the Bar". Oh, and those wipe containers are downright dangerous!

Blogger Aimée said...

Baby girl. Those things are why I love you even more in real life :-)

Blogger Jasclo said...

KRIS! I totally do the same thing with thinking I can rewind the radio or the upstairs TV that doesn't have the DVR. Next we'll try to do that to people.

Interesting blog, be sure and check out my site / blog when you get a chance at www.shoes-apparel-discount-fashion.com/ Thanks and have a great day.

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