March 22, 2006
Forgive me bloggers for I have sinned.
It’s been exactly one week since my last weigh in.

In that time, I consumed a mere twelve glasses of wine and can say with certainty that no pizza touched these lips. I’m not sure if that came across clearly, so I’ll type it again. NO PIZZA. No french fries. No fondue and no pate. Just 2 Points Bars and butter-sprayed popcorn and Chardonnay and Oxygen.

So you can imagine my surprise when I took off my shoes, my winter coat and my hairpiece and stepped onto the scale, only to have the cruel box register me as SIX OUNCES down from my last weight. Six ounces down. In 168 hours. The weight of your thong or the eyelashes on your freaking goldfish.

Did I mention that I actually exercised this week?

So you can also imagine I was somewhat upset. And then of course it would make sense that my next action was to reach behind the makeshift cashier’s desk, motion the petite “WW Success Story” cashier toward me with a quivering fat finger, and when I could smell the skinny on her, ask quietly, “come again?”

So I’m guessing you can also appreciate that when she simply repeated my lame weight loss total through her Stila’d lips that I was basically forced to pull her perky ass over the counter in one frenzied motion. I’m pretty sure I forced her to sit on the scale without removing her bat sunglasses or 40-lb Forever XXI beads or Size 0 gauchos. The details of what followed that are more of a blur, but I do recall a fellow Weight Watcher tossing me a bag of Ho Hos and me force feeding the defenseless Dub Dub employee while the weigh in line chanted, “THAT’S A FULL HOUSE, MARY KATE!” and “YOU’RE DOOMED, KLUM!” and possibly even, “HELP HER, FONDA!” Dick Simmons would have been brought to tears.

I couldn't find "assault" in the exercise tracker, but I'm pretty sure that counted as like two total exercise points. I’m so going to be down at least eight ounces next week.


41 Comments:

Blogger Diet Coke of Evil said...

That is a great post! While I don't do WW, I had similar frustrations with no weight changes. I mean, I've been exercising AT LEAST three times a week for over two months, AND I have been eating SO MUCH HEALTHIER than I was eating before I started exercising. And my weight? Exactly the same as before! I mean, how is a girl supposed to get motivated to continue exercising/eating well when it doesn't result in change? HOW I SAY?

Anyway, I think you can totally count those APs. I mean, that's a whole 2 point bar! :)

Blogger Wicked H said...

Snort! Most definitely, assault is an aerobic activity.

Blogger t2ed said...

The Man was trying to trick us into exercising at work in an attempt to lower our group health insurance rates.

He and his minions put out a little exercise guide with points for us. They listed MARITAL ARTS (it was supposed to be martial we think) as 2 points. That's not much of a work out if you think about it.

I'd reward yourself with one slice of cheese pizza for your dedication. No bread sticks though.

At least you EXERCISED. The only exercise I got was opening my boxes of girl scout cookies.

Blogger Thérèse said...

Hee.

The eyelashes on your goldfish.

Hee. Hee hee hee hee hee.

I'll bet she enjoyed the Ho Hos too.

Blogger Thérèse said...

Secretly, that is.

Blogger Phain said...

"and when I could smell the skinny on her" - LOVE IT!!! And I'm fairly certain assult is at least 3 points if performed at a moderate-high rate of intensity for a minimum of 20 minutes ;)

Blogger Cheryl said...

I think I heard about that on the news...that was you?! ;)

You'll get there hon...

Blogger Kris said...

You guys are sweet and loving and skinny. ;)

There are three bowls of mini-chocolate bars in the office today. I will be taking out my contacts so I can't see them. I will also use nose clamps so I can't smell them.

This is truly the life.

Blogger Amanda said...

oh brilliant. i am right there with you sister. but i wouldn't want to steal any of your exercise points, so i'll leave the assaulting to you.

Anonymous whoorl said...

hey, i'm sure all of your exercise strengthened your muscles which HELLO WEIGHT WATCHERS, adds weight.

so think of it this way- lose fat, gain muscle, weight stays relatively the same.

you're a hot piece of ass, kris. woot!

Blogger JJ said...

You should be doing this in every major city. Take back the scale!

Anonymous Jorge said...

Whoorl is right.

I find that the worst time to try to lose weight is when I start to exercise in earnest.

I have an odd equilibrium with everything right now. If I was to start working out one more day than normal, I would actually gain weight. At least for the first week or three.

Take heart, my dear.

I've seen you up close and personal, and whatever you think you look like - you're wrong.

Because I see 100% gaw-jus.

And I don't lie.

J-man

Blogger missbhavens said...

Scales are evil. Scales are the balancing instruments of Satan.

Lose the scale.

Blogger missbhavens said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger J said...

That totally blows. Except for the assult part. ;)

Blogger TrappedInColorado said...

I am experiencing the same thing as Diet Coke. Mid Jan: 200 lbs/22% body fat. 2 months of twice a week session at the gym with a trainer and 3 times a week of cardio, nutritional food up the butt, no junk, no joy... Mid March: 199lbs/22% body fat... took the wind out of my sails.. but I will stay the course... don't they measure your body fat at WW? They should. You can convert 2 lbs of fat to muscle and only see an 8 oz decrease in weight.. Hang in there.. wine is good for you drink up!

Peace

Anonymous MappyB said...

I totally feel you on this - I too worked out all last week and didn't notice any change. People tell me to just wait, and it will come as long as I keep it up, but MAN, I want results NOW. I like the 'assualt' setting, that's funnY!

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

I agree with the others-- you just gained so much muscle that your weight remains virtually unchanged. You'll start to notice your increased strength and endurance during your future beat-downs of skinny Success Stories.

Blogger playfulinnc said...

Here's the thing:

You're probably just battling the gain of your 30's...what's that, like 10 or 12 lbs?

If you want to be successful, or at least feel successful...gain 50 or 60, and then join. That weight will FALL off.

Blogger Smash said...

You look pretty skinny to me.

Blogger TJ said...

Ever since I switched from Chardonnay to 100% grain alcohol, the pounds have just melted off.
At least, it seems that way when the blurry numbers on the scale stop spinning...

Blogger Plunky said...

Oh my god! LOL! That is the absolute worst! Ugh. I go back on WW this saturday. Blech.

Blogger Complacent Chase said...

This has got to be the funniest post I have read in a long time! I was actually laughing out loud!
Good luck with your weight loss.

Blogger Chantel said...

My 15 year old daughter drags me to the gym 3-4 times a week. She is battling a little weight problem from puberty. There is nothing better (or worse) for my motivation than a 15 year old sitting around whining about not being able to pump iron because of her lazy mom.

Blogger Needtsza said...

I'm sure you get this a lot, but if you would like assistance, I'm a personal trainer in the DC area...and fellow blogger.

I'm happy to give free tips, etc. It's on the time of my sessions (if we were to workout together) that I charge for, so hit me up if you'd like some hints...or anything else.

Good Luck! Stick with it...and "It works if you work it"

Anonymous Anonymous said...

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Blogger Jessica said...

Oh Kris, you're gorgeous, I just know it. I loved the goldfish lashes, and the post in general. My one question is have you had a "rest day"? The day after my rest day is when I actually register a decrease. Anywya, you're bod is still in shock at the nutrition and excercise, give it time to forget! Luv ya girl!

Blogger nursevl said...

This made me laugh...because it was funny, and because I did weight watchers last summer. I am currently 10 lbs heavier then my original weigh in weight. Cripes!!
Check assault under "can of whup ass-small".

Blogger Sizzle said...

i have experienced this. i feel your pain. some weeks i am just glad that i didn't gain and cheer for the mere ounces i have shed. i guess drinking a lot of booze isn't so much healthy or within my points range. (oops!)

i love the ho ho part. hee hee.

Blogger Danielle said...

Mmmmm, 2 pt bars, delish. i totally have been there. but, as they say... partial weeks add up in the long run. no worries.

Blogger DC Cookie said...

6 ounces is the equivalent of 1.5 servings of wine, and that, my dear, is progress!

Blogger jenn said...

I gotta say, Kris, this one killed me... as my roomie, her boyfriend, and I gathered 'round the laptop last night to read your latest, we dissolved into a gooey pile of hysterical laughter and M&M ice cream... it was a good night ;)

Next time, shove in a ho-ho for me, would ya?

Blogger Nat said...

Being a former WW junky/psycho/dropout (Um, ya I think like 6 times? But who's counting...) I can totally relate. Good luck dropping those ounces...Love your blog...

Blogger Darbs said...

I just wanted to leave a comment to let you know that I happened upon your site a couple of weeks ago...and I am a huge fan. So much so that I have added you to my blog roll.

You remind me of so many of my friends, so whenever I read your blogs I truly feel like I know you.

Good luck with the weight loss...I'm right in there with you sister!

Anonymous Jacynth said...

What would have been great is if you threw the Ho Hos at her like this: throw a ho ho, yell "ho", throw a ho ho, yell "ho". That would of gotten the point across. :)

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

Bet that you cheat this week and still lose.

I hate scales.

Blogger NB-C said...

Yes, WW is HELL. I've been going back now for ten weeks and I could kill half the people that work there. I've never been around so many SLOW people. They are also clueless....as if I should be HAPPY about a .2 pound weight loss after I've been starving myself for a week. Hate them...love the blog...

Blogger a.nort said...

Yeah girl, forget about the scale. Go by how you feel and how your clothes fit. Eat a little something every 2-3 hours--it keeps your metabolism going, keep exercising, and screw those damn points.
:)

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