March 15, 2006
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (or, Musings on a Bar Crawl)
I spent Friday night on a bar crawl with Erika. Erika is a woman who could have fun in a ditch, and despite her being from rural Virginia, it’s not the type of fun you skeezers are thinking it is. Erika is always up for almost anything, which makes her my polar opposite, as if it isn’t in my Franklin Covey I probably won’t show up for it. She knows this and loves me anyway. She also tries to overlook the fact that I’m clearly out of her twenty something demographic, would voluntarily sing along to a Dick Marx song on 107.3, and that I give her my “when I was your age,” speech at least twice every time I see her before taking my teeth out for the night.

Deflowered, Metro style

I asked Erika to call a cab ten minutes prior to me leaving the house. A perfectly scheduled Yellow Cab would enable us to be on time for the FREE WINE tasting. (See, my neuroses are not all for naught.)

The cab never came. If we can just get to a major street, there will be tons of cabs. We convinced ourselves it was a truth just as Nick told himself Jess couldn’t be that stupid.

We made it to the main road. And behold. There were strollers. There were cars. There were minivans! There were no cabs, yellow or otherwise. Since getting into the back of unmarked townie vans wasn’t cool now that we were out of college, that clearly left us with only one choice: Please sweet Lord. Not the Metrobus.

I have mentioned my fear of the Metrobus before, a dread so debilitating that I have been prevented from stepping foot on one for the entire six+ years I have lived in the DC area. I fear not their maniacal drivers or their Mach 3 speeds. I sweat and stutter, however, when I think of boarding the bus without the correct change and then not knowing what to do with the five I do have and then me holding up the party when I ask if this one really does go to Upper Georgetown? and then the regulars coming home from a double shift starting to huff and I’M TRYING PEOPLE, JUST LIKE I DID LAST WEEK ON MY FIRST TRIP TO THE NEW LAUNDROMAT WHEN THE FRONT LOAD WASHER OPENED MID CYCLE, and then SOME ONE-EYED MAN WITH NO TONGUE THROWS AN OPEN BOTTLE OF MADDOG AT ME . . .

Nothing so dramatic happened and I hardly slipped on my sweat rings as I stepped off the bus. I then proceeded to approach the free wine tasting as only Kris would: by pouring taster glasses into one, fat real glass and hoarding other tasters in the corner. I’m nothing if not classy.

No one said E was for Desperate

Erika is effervescently single right now and is loving every minute of it. But up for most new things, she likes to date even if it only adds a new friend to her already overflowing collection. One of said friends heard from her mom of an eligible bachelor without children or bad music tastes. Score.

Did they mention that he was young? Successful? Without offensive piercings or Mad Cow?

They put the pressure on. What did she think? Maybe give him a shot?

Sounds like a winner. Until someone finally disclosed that this great guy only had a few years to live, which is not reason to disqualify, but then they confessed that they really just wanted to get him married off before he died.

Erika and I will be going out solo for a little while longer.

Narcissus

I started talking to a guy on the bar crawl who was wearing a woman’s nametag:

Yes, he’s that guy: I’m totally celebrating. I just signed a book deal for 100 grand! I’m the only one who knows anything about this topic in like the freakin’ universe. So I go in, and like totally dictate the terms to these guys, and basically blow them away.

Which is what I am wishing I could do to myself at this very moment. He keeps talking while I wonder if the cats are having more fun licking themselves or possibly choking on clumps of their own hair.

Yes, this guy gets even better: DC’s ok. I live in Memphis. But I pretty much have traveled to every major American city.

(Watch the male Chia head! Give it beer and it grows!)

I’m pretty sure at this point Erika slinked off with a tall tale about needing to volunteer for Unicef or reapply her leprosy cream or some other awesome excuse.

Kris, in blatant attempt to top his ridiculousness: I haven’t traveled much in the Americas. Most of my time has been spent touring the cities of Europe. On my bedazzled llama.

Robotic, socially-neutered male continues without a beat: Well, I actually own property in most American cities . . .

Insert Kris attempting to lick self or fake a hairball. Ugh. Almost makes you want to get engaged to Michael Bolton.


45 Comments:

Blogger Amber said...

Maybe Erika could have fun in a ditch, but the way you write makes the ditch sound HI-LARIOUS!! There aren't a lot of blogs that make me laugh out loud but yours? Totally does. And I share your fear of the bus. I used to ride it in college and I would pretend to speak German so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone. One more thing: Happy Belated Blogday!!!

Blogger jenn said...

oh no! This is where the time-honoured FRIEND SIGNAL comes into play... you know- the pre-ordained swish of the hand or wink of the eye that tells your bar-hopping mate "GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE, REGARDLESS OF THE COST TO LIFE AND LIMB".

I can't tell you how many times I've used the friend signal. It really does save lives, and fun drinking nights!

Anonymous erika said...

I'm not nearly as fun as she says.

Although playing in ditches was considered "cool" in Roanoke(kinda like being in the marching band - hot).

Blogger missbhavens said...

Oy! Those are some of the worst conversation starters (and enders) I've ever heard! "I just signed a hundred thousand dollar book deal"?

Ugh.

Blecch.

I second the hand signal technique.

Blogger Genevieve said...

bus... not scary! It's fine, I promise! And they take SmarTrip cards so no worries about change.

although I think a ride on a bedazzled llama would be more fun than the metrobus.

Anonymous Jorge said...

Almost makes you want to get engaged to Michael Bolton?

Egads!

You need a dose of Canucklehead love, my dear.
Hold out for just a little while longer, and your two favourite friends from the Great White North will keep you entertained with their crazy antics!

xo
J

Blogger Jamy said...

I just took the bus this morning. Bus=good. Glad you broke new ground.

I think I met that guy a few months ago. He was saving up to buy a $50,000 piece of art. Good for you, buddy boy!

Blogger afromabq said...

how do you do it? how do you come up with lines like "robotic, socially-neutered male...."??? i laughed so hard on that line. that darn erika slinking off....

Blogger nursevl said...

I am sorry, not even THAT would make me want to get engaged to Michael Bolton. Brings new meaning to "Desparate....."

Anonymous whoorl said...

What a total assbag. I'm so sorry you had to endure the "socially-neutered" male...did you at least get a free drink out of the deal? Or wait...the drinks were free in the first place?

The horror.

Blogger Diet Coke of Evil said...

Kris - you're going to be hitting up happy hour tonight? Define "early shift"

Blogger ColoradoCastaway said...

This is kinda off topic but i have to ask. How in the Hell did Michael Bolton ever get popular when everyone I've ever known cannot stand the man? Just askin' cause you know it don't make no sense.

Blogger Miss Scarlet said...

You have a bedazzler!? I'm so jealous!


My llamas just look like everyone else's:(

Blogger wallofdenial said...

Daym I am so glad I married and dont have to do the bar crawl anymore

Blogger J said...

Wow, Kris, you cracked me up. This was SO funny. You had me laughing in my puny cubicle! :) Wish I could have been there with you girls, and I don't even know you!

btw, seeing as how you live in DC, have you ever been to Meskerem Ethiopian food? Wow, it's good. It's on 18th NW, in Adams Morgan. I haven't been to DC in over 10 years, but I'm guessing it's still there, and still great. :)

Blogger Megarita said...

I, too, make up outlandish lies when faced with the socially inept. I've been swedish, I've been a flight attendant, I've been a professor at an English university, married, divorced, widowed, you name it. The llama has so far eluded me, but no longer!!

Blogger hillary said...

i have an unnatural fear similar to yours.

except mine involves drive-thru windows and left hand turns. but with the same fear of holding other people up....

Blogger Okie said...

minivans!

that's what cracked me up. Gaw that was funny.

Blogger Sizzle said...

the cats were definitely having more fun.

bedazzled llama- ha ha HA- priceless. :)

Blogger playfulinnc said...

Coulda hijacked a stroller if you knew you needed to scare a guy off.

:)

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

M Boulton!!! OMG Kris, you and ERica get your butts up here!!! We'll have fun!!!

MBoulton ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Blogger Brookelina said...

Every time I come to this blog I realize what a mediocre writer I am. Thanks for that Kris.

On the plus side, I'm laughing so hard I think I just squirted a little.

Blogger Jaek said...

You could always use the "Ummm, I cut my foot earlier and now my shoe is filling up with blood" excuse.

Anonymous sweatpantsmom said...

Really? On a bedazzled llama?

Cause I've traveled to every major American city on a bedazzled llama celebrating my book deal!

(maybe the woman's nametag was a bad sign?)

Blogger zeldafitz said...

Mmmmm, the archetypal crashing bore barflake...glad to know they're still alive and well and oozing self importance and innanities...

Blogger Thérèse said...

Most of my time has been spent touring the cities of Europe. On my bedazzled llama.

I love you.

Blogger MKD said...

I can't believe you didn't just call him on it. Like "Are you fucking kidding me? Does this work on women ever? Oh my god. Sorry. Give me your hand. Can you feel our baby kick. There it goes. Our baby. I love you."

Totally works.

Blogger Biscuit said...

I totally miss the dc bar scene. Just isn't the same when you know you'll be awakened at 6 am the next morning by a child that dares to smile and converse at the bust of dawn.

Regarding j's puny cubicle...that would make it a pubicle! bwahahahaha

Blogger Jeff Simmermon said...

Hey there -- we met at the blog happy hour last night, and I am pleased to report that I found both you and your blog to be fun! I'll be back...and see you soon.

Blogger Sandra Dee said...

A bedazzled llama?! I hear those are the latest craze.

Blogger JJ said...

Sounds like the hairball was the guy with property in most American cities. What a twit.

Blogger t2ed said...

If you licked yourself, you'd never get rid of him. You should try to go with anything Dr. Evil would say:

- In the summer we would wear meat helmets.
- My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet.
- I invented the question mark.
- Chestnuts are lazy with the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament.
- When I was young I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds.

Sure conversation stoppers.

Blogger I-66 said...

Here I am, waiting for Kris to post about the happy hour so I can leave my first comment...

...but no... I'm limited to this :o\

Blogger Neil said...

What's so bad about Michael Bolton?

Blogger Aimée said...

I'm not sure if I had a better time walking a mile and a half in heals at 3 in the morning and gorging on 7-11 nachos and then later vomitting them up b/c I thought sauerkraut was a good idea on top of 12 mixed liquor drinks from around the world or if you did downing them wines and fighting every urge to clock said narcissist in his crooked teeth. sidenote: all writers have crooked teeth ... whuh?

Blogger Bill said...

This post seems an excellent opportunity to try my first draft at an online dating profile …

I don’t own property in ANY American cities. I do have a condo up in Canada, but it owns me.

I am not about to die, at least the doctors aren’t saying so, though they’re reluctant to be nailed down. I think they’re still studying the stool sample.

I, too, sometimes begin effusive monologues with “When I was your age …” but they are usually brief and refer to experiences from the days when my penis actually worked.

I think I still have my own hair, though it may be cat fur – she sheds quite a bit and the hair gel I’m using may be Crazy Glue.

Does this sound like something that might find me that attractive female with a bank account that could bring me the life I crave? I think I'm running out of time.

Blogger Washington Cube said...

LOVE the bedazzled llama.

Blogger erin said...

WOW!!! That guy sounds GREAT**!! Does he have a brother for me?? Hook me up with THAT!!**


**sarcasm

oooohhhh the bar scene[sigh]....it produces so many interesting people...but i would have asked him to tell me more about his time in the FBI/CIA or other secret government work....you know he was about to mention it....

Blogger katie's brain said...

Priceless! I've MET that guy!

Happy Belated Blogaversary by the way! I can't believe you've only been doing this a year--you've put me to shame.

Anonymous Jacynth said...

Break me off a piece of that Chia....

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

I know that guy! And I love trying to one-up him (not like he'd notice).

And can I PLEASE come over to visit the bedazzled llama?

Blogger Maliavale said...

See, if that guy had actually been clever and not a self-absorbed asshat, he would have realized you were joking about the bedazzled llama. Everyone knows if you have a bedazzled llama, you don't take the Metrobus. Duh, sir. Duh.

Blogger Needtsza said...

anytime you feel like whore-commenting, come take a look.
I'll be the fan of your site, writing to you.

I'll keep you on my listing =)

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very cool design! Useful information. Go on! » » »

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Post a Comment

<< Home

footer