February 22, 2006
Making points
Going back to Weight Watchers always makes me feel a little bit like I'm in the witness protection program. I start fresh in a new city, or even just a new part of an old city, and even I feel new. For all anyone knows, I could have been rescued by Richard Simmons on one of his home invasions and have dropped dozens more pounds than I've actually been able to. There's an element of excitement to each new beginning.

And then, circa meeting four, the novelty wears off. You realize that Weight Watchers meetings are much like TGI Fridays: although the framed baseball jerseys amazingly bear the names of local HS teams, the Milwaukee artichoke dip tastes surprisingly just like it did in Gainesville.

For example, no matter where you weigh in, there is always one woman who thinks everyone has gathered to hear her share her personal stories. The ever-effervescent Dub Dub leader poses the benign question, "what challenges did you face this week?" For those new to the adventure that is WW, this is similar to someone seeing you in the work hallway and asking you how your day is going. They want five words or less. More than that, and they talk about you on IM when they get back to their cubes.

Although the leader does her best to ignore Miss DiPesto, she is the only one with a raised hand. Old timers groan upon seeing this. Said woman then launches into a full-blown diatribe on how difficult it was to avoid the Gouda at her nephew's bris, and wouldn't you think she'd be able to stop eating altogether that day - you know, given that penis surgery was happening right there? But she ate it anyhow! Next week should be better, though, because then she'll be over her period.

A member shuffles her small child from the room and I'm convinced that this visual will help at least three others cease eating altogether until the next meeting.

There is also the one Weight Watcher who comes to a meeting fully clad, weighed down by multiple wool sweaters and bling and lead boots. She then proceeds to hold up the line of those waiting to weigh, carefully removing hairpieces, hearing aids, press-on nails, and teeth in an effort to lose that .6 of a pound. We've ALL been there, sweetheart. It's just that most of us think twice before resorting to stepping on a public scale wearing only a n*de bodysuit.

Finally, there is always a little envy in the newbie group when a new mom joins. Is it because of the glow she wears proudly, her precious newborn barely visible under his blankies? No. It's because when you read the week 1 manual, you see that nursing moms get to eat like 4,000 MORE CALORIES THAN YOU DO. And suddenly having babies doesn't seem so bad.

Commence Blog Pimping

In unrelated news, I'm a finalist!



Winning this award would:

1) enable me to stop the 5 am ice dancing practices my mother has had me going to since the 4th grade, because I would FINALLY BE GOOD AT SOMETHING, and MAYBE WOULD GET MYSELF A MAN (as if ice dancing was ever my stud ticket),

2) avenge my being the bottom of Troop 12’s Samoa sellers in the Spring of ‘83,

3) prompt the beau to reconsider our breakup decision, as a good, honest woman with a blog award is hard to find in these parts, and

4, and perhaps most importantly) enable me to be known for something other than that one, silly little episode of Elimidate.

Cheers.

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64 Comments:

Blogger ET said...

Miss DiPesto is a very busy woman. She also attends our Weight Watchers meetings on Friday mornings here in Georgia.
It is true, We do all gather in the meeting room, her up front closest to the speaker, of course, so we can hear her latest triumps and the details. If there ever is a contest for speaking the longest sentence without pause to keep someone from breaking in I am going to vote for her!
Eddie Hunter

Blogger t2ed said...

The WW office is right next to the best Chicago style pizza in the whole town. I swear they start cooking early on Saturday because they know the smell of a large stuffed spinach will eventually cause the group to devour itself ala the Donner Expedition.

I also voted for you, just you and nobody else but you. I didn't want you to get "Bull Moose partied" and miss out on the big reward.

Blogger Keith said...

Did you really go on Elimidate?

Blogger Kris said...

Keith, you don't have the whole series on VHS, do you?

Anonymous Jurgen Nation said...

I had a few comments before I got to the last thing: you were on Elimidate??! Do tell, woman!

Blogger Kris said...

Nah. But I love that you both grabbed on that detail and not the ice dancing. Hilar. ;)

Blogger Megarita said...

Yeah, I got a little hung up on Ice Dancing...whatever are you wearing for your routine???

Blogger Kris said...

. . . a mesh bodysuit courtesy of the vickie's secret sale catalogue . . . [gags]

Blogger Wicked H said...

Snort. If I have to hear how one more WW patron feels guilt for craving fritos. I am going to drown her in the Costco size bag.

Whew, Ice dancing lessons? Wow!

Anonymous Jorge said...

Everyone knows that black bodysuits are more slimming than nude ones.

Ice Dancing is hawt.

Blogger Kris said...

H, THAT made me snort.

Jorge, sweetie, everyone knows that you knows that.

Blogger Thérèse said...

Ice dancing, eh? Not skating, but dancing?

Just when I think you can't possibly get any cooler. Sigh. You truly do set the bar, Kris.

Blogger Heather B. said...

Now I'm sitting here singing the theme song to Elimadate in my head.

Oh and P.S. I heart you, but I think we've covered that 1 or 200 times

Blogger Sizzle said...

you are soooo right about WW. the meetings bore me to tears. i am secretly plotting a take over. of course, after i reach my *goal weight* and become a "lifetime member." ;)

kris rules. i want to be like you when i grow up.

xo,sizz

Blogger Egan said...

Next! I swore I saw you on that show. You spit up on the dude and he "Nexted" you. Better luck next time Kris.

Oh, Dub Dub for Dummies will be on bookshelves soon.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

My scariest WW experience involves a male group leader who flung around a life like pound of human fat. He was hard enough to look at without throwing around the model yelling, "A POUND OF FAT!" every other second.

Blogger Guinness_Girl said...

Dammit, now I, too, have the Elimidate song in my head.

Does anyone else get pissed off at how very proud of his or her self the WW leaders always are? I wish they'd just quit rubbing in our faces the fact that they lost a gazillion pounds and we haven't. A-holes.

Blogger Kris said...

Thérèse, did someone say BAR?

Heather B. – are there little quote bubbles above your head? NO. I HEART YOU MORE.

Ms. Sizzle – you and I know we are so never growing up. And let’s be honest. I’m never reaching goal weight.

Egan – YES! I spent a good ten minutes in the WASHROOM that night.

Pants – I can top it. There was a five-pound fat globule being passed around at my meeting last night.

Ggirl - Sometimes I wonder how the WW leaders keep it off. I think the corp WW Man shocks them when they go to the fridge too often. Sign me up . . .

Anonymous sandra said...

I'm just impressed that you GO to WW meetings. I pondered it once, and actually walked in and out of the building and joined online instead. Unfortunately, you can lie to your online thingy...which clearly means I'm devoted to eating well.

Blogger JJ said...

You've got my vote, Kris. In all things.

Blogger Kris said...

Sandra, I used to be an onliner, until I gained almost all my weight back. Now I consider it exercise just to GO to the meetings. ;)

JJ, you flatter. :)

Blogger Egan said...

JJ - I thought you were buttering me up? I'm ashamed. I thought you and I were gardening buddies.

Blogger Kris said...

Egan, that's not quite what he meant when he called you a ho.

Blogger Maliavale said...

I went straight for the Elimidate detail, too.

Oh, and that you hate seafood. I fully support that pronoucement.

Blogger Kellie said...

lol. Great post!

Ice dancing... it truly is a man magnet, I am sure! lol

Blogger TJ said...

Great post, Kris. I was cracking up at your vivid description of the WW meetings...

And congratulations on being a finalist! My vote is already in--and good thing too, because had I known that you had actually come in dead last in your Troop's cookie sale in '83, I would have had to reevaluate my entire decision. Underachievement should never be rewarded.

That being said, my vote could have been bought back for 2 boxes of Samoas...

Good luck!

Anonymous Jorge said...

Mama loves counter-commenting

Blogger Shawn said...

The Elimidate episode was classic though. Snap!

I think you're right about the ice dancing. If you made the Olympics though, you would have a lot of guys drooling over you...unfortunately, the questionable sexuality of the partner who fondles you across the ice would somewhat dampen the joy that might bring.

Do you still have any Samoas? I'm hungry...even if only for decades old cookies.

Anonymous gorillabuns said...

as a mom that has gone through the breast feeding twice, the eating extra to produce breast milk and the weight will magically drop off because you are feeding another human being....was a bunch of crap. the only way weight drops off of me is chain smoking, a daily dose allegra decongestant and an unhealthy supply of Dt. Dr.Pepper.

Blogger Cheryl said...

DubDub! Love it. This post is too funny!

Blogger Jess Riley said...

I look forward to the nursing part just for the weight-loss aspect.

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

Ice dancing eh? Run into Evis yet lol?

Kris you are THE woman! Voted for you early!!

Blogger MKD said...

I don't vote for people in weight watchers. It's like they are waiting for something. Gives me the willies. There I said it. Willies.

P.S. I also lie a lot.

Blogger Bill said...

Thank you so much for the new post. The willies are a thing of the past!

However, now I'm feeling horribly alienated. Not only do I not know what Elimidate is (TV show?) ... my issues are at the other end of the WW scale (no pun intended). I've actually asked doctors how I could gain weight.

The WW meetings sound like company "team building" exercises and, if that's the case, you have my sympathies. I think an enema would be preferrable.

Blogger Kris said...

Maliavale – AMEN! We might be the only two people on the planet. I’m proud to stand tall with you, compadre.

Kellie – it has ALWAYS worked for me. And is likely why I’m single again.

TJ – (which I say as Teej in my head, by the way) You’re in luck. I keep a case of Samoas frozen in the basement next to the human heads.

Jorge – Mama loves Canadian visitors.

Shawn – Fondles me across the ice . . . mmmm. Although the visual that came to mind was Goofy during the Ice Capades . . .

gorillabuns – . . . and Jolt and an Elvis-style dose of uppers. ;)

Cheryl – please don’t tell me you are on Dub Dub, you little thing!

Jess Riley – gorillabuns tells us from experience that it takes more than babies. Apparently there is the involvement of a “pharmacy” downtown.

Bridge – I ran into Elvis only once. I almost mowed him over as he was leaving the building.

MKD – It’s cool if you lie. ON ACCOUNT O’ YOUR WAPO MENTION YESTERDAY! HOLLA!

Bill – I am sending you one of my lovehandles via USPS. I hope you can put it to good use. ;)

Anonymous Jorge said...

Mama - Canadians love mama.

Blogger Miss Scarlet said...

Babies, eh? Hmmmm....

Blogger Thérèse said...

Yes. I said bar. Everytime I see your profile picture it makes me smile. And then want to ask you to come for marguarita Monday with me.

Blogger J said...

First visit to your blog, but certainly not my last. :) Very good writing, and I agree that WW meetings sound like team building meetings in crummy corporate land.

As for breast feeding as weight loss, it's different for everyone. I couldn't lose the last 10 lbs until I stopped (OK, for 4 years after I stopped, so that wasn't the ONLY issue), but I know many women for whom this is true. But my sister was a bit underweight when she was breastfeeding, and finally got healthy again after she finished. So it's no magic bullet, unfortunately.

Love your writing, Kris. :)

J

Blogger Bill said...

Thank you! I'll send you a couple of protuding ribs or a knobby knee as a fair exchange. (Warning - they can be noisy, like maracas.)

Blogger Lindsey said...

LOL...hysterical post!

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

good on ya Kris...he probably needed to be run over too!

Blogger babyjewels said...

I'm going (back) to dub dub and this posts couldn't have been more true. Our DiPesta is about 65, very overweight and likes to talk ad nauseum about her workout routine.

Blogger Poppy Cede said...

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, that explains everything!! Elimidate made you famous, I had no idea!

You're a great person, Kris. If the ex is a great person too he'll eventually come around and give your relationship another shot. Otherwise it's fair game for some other great person to sweep you off your feet. :D

Blogger sassyassy said...

There are just so many stories of the attack of pasta one can stomach at the WW meetings. I do the online WW to avoid such things.

Blogger Thérèse said...

Pssst.... I'm pretty sure Egan has a unicorn tattooed on his ass.... pass it on...

Anonymous Jacynth said...

You go with your dub dub self. I say, when the whiney women are on the scale, you slip your foot in there and press to add some weight. That's what they deserve. And, you rock, and WILL win!

Blogger Kris said...

Jorge – the whole team?

Scarlet – No. Don’t say it out loud or they’ll hear you.

T – I’ll be there. What time?

J – Thanks and welcome! If babies aren’t the magic bullet for weight loss, what good are they? Wait, that didn’t sound quite right. ;) I hope you come back now.

Bill – I know they can be noisy. I was skinny once. I remember the way my knobby knees hit my crib.

Linny – Thanks!

Bridge – you know it. ;)

babyjewels – I send you all the strength in the world, jewels. And some of the caramel two points bars. Delish and surprisingly good with a cocktail for dinner.

Poppy Cede – I’m surprised you haven’t seen my episode. It’s all over Spike. ;( I love your sweet relationship words, Poppy. You always know what to say. :)

queenofsass – I used to do the online Dub Dub. Until I gained weight on it. I wish you more willpower! :)

Thérèse – he tells that “Neverending Story” tattoo thing to all the ladies. See if we ever see that thing on HNT . . .

Jacynth – thank you kind lady. The foot on the scale is a nicer idea than my lead earring gifts were.

I’m off to see an old friend and drink some wine. Hold down the fort until I come home tonight. Kisses, Krisses

Blogger Egan said...

HNT? I just threw up a bit inside my mouth.

Blogger Kris said...

Egan, how are you supposed to meet me at the bar if you are still here commenting? Git to gittin!

Blogger Egan said...

Very true. Call my cell in about twenty minutes. I will be in the Ladies room, third stall from the left.

Blogger KlevaBich said...

Crap, this answers the question that's been plaguing me, did they break up or not? Evidently they did. Well, poop on him anyway. Like you said, when you win that award he'll come crawling back, giving you the opportunity to smack him in the head with your keyboard.

Blogger Complacent Chase said...

Hope you win! If you need someone taken out...I know people! ha ha

Blogger LBseahag said...

way to go, girl...i hope you win...i love brushing elbows with celebs...

Blogger Bookhart said...

Somehow I think WW is in my future. All my blogging buddies are doing it. The peer pressure is just too great, plus I'm alarmed by my new backfat.

Blogger Thérèse said...

Oooh, he's clever, that Egan. Comes up with a cutesy reason to have a very girly tattoo of a unicorn on his ass.

The thought of it makes him throw up. I always thought it was strange what some people get off on.

Blogger Fantastagirl said...

Miss DiPesto attends MY WW mtgs!

I started in Sept..stopped in Dec, went back in shame in Feb.

Blogger Kim said...

When you txt'd me from dubdub I was eating pizza.

Ha!

I'm fat.

And mean.

Kris, did I do something wrong?

I miss the conversations we used to have.
You'd tell me how wicked funny I am, and I'd tell you how hot you were. Then you'd tell me to not look at you like that, and then I'd call you Jersey and you'd roll your eyes and shake your head at my failed attemps to bed you.

*sigh*
I never even got a "Dear Jerk" letter.

Blogger NARDAC said...

I know nothing about WW or Elimidate. However, you don't need to justify winning any award, least of all to an ex.

Btw, hateration... I do learn something new everyday. I had no idea it was now accepted in the english language.

Blogger EmmaK said...

Yeah, breastfeeders are allowed to quoff thousands of calories but they're also left with stretchmarky boobs (I have some), so its not all oreos and Twinkys.

Blogger hanmee said...

I thought we (a friend and I who attended together awhile back) were the only cynical ones as our group seemed to filled to the brim with perky, happy, enthusiastic people learning the WW way.

Our second meeting I remember hearing a woman bitch to another woman that she had "only" dropped 4 lbs. Only the thought that I don't do well in prison kept me from strangling her.

W/the breastfeeding they're only supposed to get about 500 extra calories a day. Hmm. It didn't help me lose weight I can tell you that, but my neighbor dropped about 30 lbs more than when she started.

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