February 12, 2006
My coverage of the LMNOP Olympics
I didn't know the Olympics were even on the horizon. Crap, I can't recall if I had tuna or ham for dinner. Call me a sloth (that's right; I'm not opposed to it). I knew less about the startup of this crazy uber-workout frenzy than I did the 4x30 season finale of Arrested Development (which I consider to be a personal overBluth.)

Let us begin.

I absolutely embrace, positively ADORE the awkward early-morning pauses that affect the Baghdad correspondents, Matt Lauer on his excruciating Carmen Sandiego escapades, and, at present, vulnerable Torino reporters when corresponding with the studio.

Ahem...

From NYC: "What would you say is the confidence level of the American luge team right now?"

Crickets.

The Torino correspondent simultaneously monitors his earpiece. And his fly.

Ann Currey checks for split ends. Long, gorgeous, smart, Wicked Pantene tresses are a bitch to tame.

Rachael Ray has Oprah count her money.

Al Roker eats another .78 ounces of food while arrogance seeks revenge on Gumbel's innards.

And 8-9 seconds later, Rootsman begins. "Hello, Katie. The lugers aren't thinking small anymore. They're thinking luge."

He chuckles while Katie has a colonoscopy and waits for this and Fear Factor Neilsons to register. I ache freshman-year style and yet long to make out with this time delay discomfort at the very same time.

Lesson 2.

Should you be my pairs skating partner, I will effing kick your ass (to this day, I'm still not sure why I blog "eff" rather than the full-fledged f*&%)"#, but I digress. . . )

Seriously. If I have used my Boflex religiously for 27 years, without masturbation even slightly interfering, I would at least expect that you would deny salami Hot Pockets prior to our Olympic runs and BE ABLE TO SWIRL YOUR 112-POUND BODY THREE TIMES IN A SIMPLE LOOP OVER THE ICE YOU HAVE SKATED OVER SINCE YOU AND I WERE FREAKIN' FIVE so I could at least place and my Kappa Sig bros would STOP MAKING FUN OF MY ASS FOR THIS. Did I mention that this is only frozen H2O, FOR CRIPES SAKE?

3.

Let me say up front that you have to be a complete and utter Dumas to take/shoot up/consume via osmosis THE ROIDS. I'm on Weight Watchers and I have yet to snarf McDonald's fries, my friends. They are going to find you, much like they discovered that polio vaccine and that Eglesias removed his mole without our permission. Show some restraint, would ya?

and 4.

I don't care if they are a half second behind pace. There is no earthly reason to put speed skaters in those spandex leggings – other than to get me through my weekend. Smiling.


26 Comments:

Blogger Sizzle said...

i really need to get hip and start watching the olympics. how unamerican am i?

;) sizz

Blogger Cheryl said...

I tape dArrested Development instead of the Olympics opening ceremony. Priorities...

Blogger Wicked H said...

Cute boys in spandex...SIGH

Blogger Bill said...

I think blogging should be an Olympic event so we can all get hats, free hamburgers and corporate tattoos on our arses.

Blogger Maliavale said...

Those Kappa Sig guys are hell on the Olympics.

Blogger Megarita said...

Loved watching the snowboarder win gold -- happy doofus dude made me smile. Even in baggy pants.

Blogger NARDAC said...

Me too... that snowboarder guy totally ruled.

Ahhh, I always like the Olympics, but I also like to watch sports with the sound off.

As for spandex, we've all suffered through enough fashion misadventures not to snarl too much at speed skaters. Especially when those Dutch packages are out for display. Not any worse than baggy leopard print snowboarding pants, really.

Blogger The Girl Who said...

Wait! You've been writing this hilarious shit and I only just now found you. THAT is a travesty.. I work in the news industry and laughed my ass off over this post.. Well, unfortunately I didn't laugh it OFF, god willing I may have laughed a few calories off.. maybe..

Blogger Egan said...

I'm wearing Spandex right now as I watch Scott Hamilton touch himself. This Olympic stuff makes me so hot. Ice is frozen water by the way.

Kris, did you really use Boflex and masturbation in the same sentence? It's about time. I hear funny things about those Boflex devices and women.

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

Those speed skater outfits are hilarious. They.hide.nothing.

ouchie.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Oh those pregnant pauses - you had me rolling! I like doing the "one mississippi...two mississippi...." during these pauses. I don't know why they just don't put them on speaker phone. Morons.

We have to get together and watch something...anything...together. With wine. And cheese and crackers. And more wine.

Blogger Bookhart said...

I have completely ignored the Olympics this year but your commentary makes me wish I hadn't.

Blogger Egan said...

Bowflex, I can't spell exercise equipment featured on late night tv to save my life.

Blogger Candace said...

Well crap! I don't get channels on my TV anymore. Do you think they'll do a worst of DVD? "Pregnant Pauses, Gaffes and Laughs - broadcasting errors of the 2006 Winter Olympics. Bonus features: deadly luge crashes, ice dancing fatalities, funniest 'eff-ups'"

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Totally unrelated to the majority of your post: McDonald's has never been my main fast food weakness, although I used to like their fries....until I met a friend who lived near an oil refinery. Some process at the oil refinery smells very similar to McDonald's french fries. Craving cured.

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Blogger missbhavens said...

I think Hot Pockest are an Official Olympic Sponsor this year. Pepperoni.

Blogger Lefty said...

You know all the Baghdad correspondents stand in front of the same city-scape screen safe in their compound, right? Can you imagine how tempting it'd be to screw with that while they're mid-report? Godzilla, Scooby Doo or some Harryhausen type monster would be great. Maybe even Pee Wee Herman or Barney. Imagine the possibilities!

Anonymous Jorge said...

As we all know, I don't like the olympics.

And for the last time, Enrique's Mole was ALWAYS FAKE!

Blogger Guinness_Girl said...

I totally enjoyed playing "who's bigger, who's pathetically small?" while watching the speed skaters this weekend. Nice.

You're quite the witty one, MamaLikey. I'm lovin' the blog.

Blogger Washington Cube said...

Ah the speed skaters. Lithe bodies and lumpage. I rest my case.

Blogger Heather B. said...

I gave up on the olympics after realizing that I would never be able to ski moguls. I seriously cried over this in the 10th grade.

Blogger Pizzle said...

I used to be into the Olympics when I was younger, but either the stories aren't as interesting, or I'm just bored with them. What happened to the days of skaters beating each other with a lead pipe?

Blogger Miss Scarlet said...

Please commentate for the Olympics. You and Al Troutwig! (sp?)

Blogger Amanda said...

oh kris, you are too clever. can i be you?

I am absolutely, positively cracking up at your Today Show run-down.

Seriously Kris, don't you think it's time to switch to Good Morning America?

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