My coverage of the LMNOP Olympics

I didn't know the Olympics were even on the horizon. Crap, I can't recall if I had tuna or ham for dinner. Call me a sloth (that's right; I'm not opposed to it). I knew less about the startup of this crazy uber-workout frenzy than I did the 4x30 season finale of Arrested Development (which I consider to be a personal overBluth.)

Let us begin.

I absolutely embrace, positively ADORE the awkward early-morning pauses that affect the Baghdad correspondents, Matt Lauer on his excruciating Carmen Sandiego escapades, and, at present, vulnerable Torino reporters when corresponding with the studio.

Ahem...

From NYC: "What would you say is the confidence level of the American luge team right now?"

Crickets.

The Torino correspondent simultaneously monitors his earpiece. And his fly.

Ann Currey checks for split ends. Long, gorgeous, smart, Wicked Pantene tresses are a bitch to tame.

Rachael Ray has Oprah count her money.

Al Roker eats another .78 ounces of food while arrogance seeks revenge on Gumbel's innards.

And 8-9 seconds later, Rootsman begins. "Hello, Katie. The lugers aren't thinking small anymore. They're thinking luge."

He chuckles while Katie has a colonoscopy and waits for this and Fear Factor Neilsons to register. I ache freshman-year style and yet long to make out with this time delay discomfort at the very same time.

Lesson 2.

Should you be my pairs skating partner, I will effing kick your ass (to this day, I'm still not sure why I blog "eff" rather than the full-fledged f*&%)"#, but I digress. . . )

Seriously. If I have used my Boflex religiously for 27 years, without masturbation even slightly interfering, I would at least expect that you would deny salami Hot Pockets prior to our Olympic runs and BE ABLE TO SWIRL YOUR 112-POUND BODY THREE TIMES IN A SIMPLE LOOP OVER THE ICE YOU HAVE SKATED OVER SINCE YOU AND I WERE FREAKIN' FIVE so I could at least place and my Kappa Sig bros would STOP MAKING FUN OF MY ASS FOR THIS. Did I mention that this is only frozen H2O, FOR CRIPES SAKE?

3.

Let me say up front that you have to be a complete and utter Dumas to take/shoot up/consume via osmosis THE ROIDS. I'm on Weight Watchers and I have yet to snarf McDonald's fries, my friends. They are going to find you, much like they discovered that polio vaccine and that Eglesias removed his mole without our permission. Show some restraint, would ya?

and 4.

I don't care if they are a half second behind pace. There is no earthly reason to put speed skaters in those spandex leggings – other than to get me through my weekend. Smiling.