August 5, 2005
Oh, sure. And they call me Lizzie Borden.
I met a man yesterday. I met a man by whom I was at once captivated. I couldn't take my eyes off of him and I felt as if I shouldn't, possibly couldn't, let his handshake go. Was he attractive? Not necessarily. Was he engaging? Not particularly. Did he feign injury and then stuff me in his van only to strangle me later? No, don't be silly. But his name was Ted Bundy.

That's right, funky bunch, not Theodore Bundy, not even Teddy Bundy. A man who actually goes by the name of a serial killer put to death for the murders of women in Utah, Washington, Colorado, and even Tallahassee, Florida (GO NOLES!)

I'm with you friends. WTF?

Note to parents: Naming your child after a serial killer (and yes, this fella would have been born sometime after the spree occurred) is unacceptable. Society can take many a bad name: consider those with two first names (like poor John Johnson) or those simply given awful, unacceptable names (like Ben Dover). But no one wants to go to prom with Jeffrey, Jeff, or Jeffy Dahmer. I can hear it now: Mom, I've met the man I'm going to marry, Ted Kaczynski! He's just a blast! And how many job interviews do you think your beautiful child, Ghengis Khan, will get after sending that resume in?

Note to those of you with names identical to those of established serial killers: Don't you fret about offending your ridiculous parents. They can't help your large nose, your ADHD, or the drinking problem that will strike you in later life, but they could have saved you from this. Feel free to use your middle name liberally (even if it is feminine like Leslie or a strange and burdensome family name like Humphrey). If those don't appeal, please, for the love, MAKE IT UP. All the cool rap kids are doing it. Why shouldn't you be L'il Ted if you are so inclined?



File this under: I shit you not.


46 Comments:

Blogger Mel said...

He's a Blast!

Classic.

He should have gone by his middle name: Al.

Blogger Jodi said...

At my last job, I had a contact named Levenis Penix.

Try saying that one 5 times fast.

Yeah parents can be so cruel.

Blogger The Megan said...

That's such a bad name. I went to school with a James James the third! And I work with some whose first name is Rogers (yes plural!).

Those must have been some good drugs to make you name your kid Ted Bundy.

Blogger Kim said...

How's this for a cruel joke, I knew a guy named David Berkowitz. Wanna guess what his dad's name was? Sam.

In other murderer news, I am an oh-so-distant relative of Lizzie Borden. Jealous?

I agree "He's a blast!" IS classic.
Kris you are too damn funny.

Blogger deanne said...

Mm, what a bummer! I once met a guy named 'Pete' File. Think about it... Peter File. I guess his parents were just not thinking.

Blogger TenaciousTab said...

I once worked in a pharmacy filling prescriptions and there were these two kids that had the names Lemonjello and Orangejello, and I'm not shitting you! It was so sad, but who could help but laugh. Bless them, what was their mom thinking? I sure hope they've picked out some fancy rap names for themselves! Good one Kris!

Anonymous Jorge said...

Yes.

I am not named after a serial killer.
I wish I was sometimes, as it might have made growing up a much different kettle of fish...
The fact that my name is pronounced "George" for the most part garnered me many a curious monkey song.
Now it's just embarassing ebcause I share a root with GWB.

And that's just wrong...

Anonymous Jorge said...

Best name of someone I knew:
Richard Pullin

Best name of Race Car Driver I heard of:
Dick Trickle

Oh man...

Blogger Kiki said...

I actually went to school with a kid named Bud Weiser. Seriously.

Back where I'm from in Redneckville, there's a rather large family with the last name of Fregia. Do they try to hide their shame? Nope. Some members of the Fregia family include Cindy Crawford Fregia, Elvis Presley Fregia, Evel Knievel Fregia and last but not least, John Wayne Fregia. They are the kind of family that sits around and watches Deliverance and says, "you know, this reminds me of a story..."

Blogger Paul said...

I once met a guy named Charlie Mansun. That sucked for him, too.

That's hilarious and sad at the same time.

Anonymous Bad Maria said...

Born after the spree but also after the conviction? Big time difference there. But I'm with ya, he really needs to go by his middle name. Although, you have to admit, you won't forget his name when next you meet!

Blogger JJ said...

One other note to parents, it has been proven that the middle name Wayne is 50% more likely to make your son a serial killer and your daughter looked at oddly.

Blogger bandick said...

My top two personal encounters:

1) Harry Pratt. For anyone who may not be familiar with the term 'prat', it's basically someone who is an ass. Hmmm. Hairy prat?

2) Richard Sexe (pronounced sexy), but used the name Dick. He was a client and his file was Sexe, Dick.

I can't wait to have kids!

Blogger Sanora said...

Oh, and btw, very cool about The Washington Post - you rock!

Blogger kitkat said...

Parents are so cruel. Do they not think? I went to high school with a David Davis. My boss wonders only NOW wonders if naming his kid Alejandro is going to be problem when he gets into school and no one speaks Spanish.

BTW, I think we're not too surprised about Kim's genealogy! Kidding...

Anonymous meme said...

My dad's initials are G.A.Y., you can bet he's never had anything monogrammed.

Blogger Jeremy said...

A delightful read. How could a post on mass murderers not be?

Blogger Jason said...

At least he captivated you...

Anonymous Neil said...

Hey, it's not a bad ice breaker on a first date or a party. And what about those crazy women that always want to marry convicts in prison. I bet you Ted gets lucky all the time!

Blogger Kristen said...

I think parents should be shot for this kind of crap. Like growing up isn't difficult enough?

Blogger lizzyjane said...

I know a poor little girl named Holly Wood.
Poor thing. She is only 9. And she KNOWS her name totally sucks.

Blogger Jürgen Nation said...

AAAHAHA. LMAO @ "he's a blast!" Heehee. That's just awesome.

Blogger Tao said...

Maybe he keeps his name because it's an attention-getter, or an ice-breaker like Neil said. Did you ask him if he realized he had the same name as the serial killer and why doesn't he go by his middle name instead? I mean, I'm sure he realized it, but I wonder if people actually ask him. Maybe he keeps his name as is because he enjoys watching people's reactions!!!

Anonymous Jorge said...

By ice-breaker...
Do you mean...

Ice pick?

Just checking.


Jorge


PS: Does someone hear Crickets?

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

Once again proving that you really should have to pass somekind of test to procreate.

Blogger Megarita said...

I had to break down and finally link to you, Wino Girl. Kept taking the long way around, and now I've just accepted that your blog is goddamn hilarious. I have blog envy.

Blogger babyjewels said...

I really wanted to name my son Tucker, but my husband went to school with a Tucker and said the poor kid was teased unmercifully. We decided on something else. I got screwed out of being known as Mother Tucker, too. Which would have been a step up.

babyjewels

p.s. did you make out with ted? Did you get all choked up when you said goodbye? I'll stop now.

Blogger Danielle said...

My friend went to school with sisters named London England and Button England. Ouch.

And so you know, I linked to you too! Sharing the love...

Blogger Kris said...

I just want to make out with each and every one of you! Sweet nookie, your comments are hilar.

Join the club, Kris. If I had a dollar for every girl that wanted to make out with me...well, I'd owe money.

Anonymous Jorge said...

Poor Dale!

If I was a girl, I'd make out with you, Dale.
But...
well...

I'm a guy.

Sorry dude.

You might want to talk to Dave, though...
I've heard rumors...

Thanks, Jorge...I guess?

Anonymous Jorge said...

I'm there for you, man.

J

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Blogger Slade said...

Kris, I always enjoy reading your stuff...you really should be writing for a newspaper column or something...you have the most perfect wit for something like that...actually, and don't shoot me for this, have you ever thought about writing chick lit? You would be perfect for it!

Your's is one of my favorite blogs...and it looks like you have become quite popular!

What a smart and funny blog!

thanks for stopping by and commenting on mine so I could follow you like a stray LOL :)

I really enjoyed your blog. It is cool and/or humorous. I also enjoy Tinker Toys. You can even build a chicken with 4 legs. Check it out when you have some time.

Blogger Kris said...

Folks, we have a WINNER!

Blogger Queenie said...

I once dated a guy named Locklin (cool first name I think) but his last name was MacLocklin. Yes folks, Locklin MacLocklin - WTF? I thought he was joking the first time I heard him say his full name and I actually laughed at him, I couldn't help it.

Blogger t2ed said...

I've had 2 clients with goofy names:

Bo Fu (whom I'm asked if everyone was Bo Fu fighting)

&

Velma Lama (whom I asked if she had kids would she name them Ding and Dong).

Yes, I know I'm going to hell.

Blogger Meg said...

ROFL!

I used to babysit a little girl named Cinnamon Coffee. I think her sister was Candice (Candy) Coffee. Poor girls!

Blogger Mercy said...

I would soooooooooo change my name!

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