July 14, 2005
Help me Honda
Good morning, road! Twenty-year-old pedestrian, I'll wait on the green light while you and your latte cross the street. I know you aren't as nimble as you were at 18, and your feet must simply ache from that walk of shame you made at 6 this morning! You - take - your - time.

And well hey there minivan! Wow, you are a pretty shade of teal. Yes, I wish I had DVD screens in the back of my headrests, too. Oh well, there you go - welcome to my lane! Didn't know you were coming, but who doesn't understand the need to get to Safeway before Sunny D goes back to full price? I know! See ya at Jazzercise!

Oh no, please, Mr. BMW. Let me slow down so you can assume your rightful place at the front of the line. No, no. We weren't waiting in this mile-long string of cars for any particular reason. BTW, I really like that cologne you're wearing. That's right. I can smell it in here. That's the good stuff. One of those Imposter body sprays the teen workers guard behind glass at the CVS. I bet it's a hit with the servers at the Ruby Tuesday happy hour. Megarita, anyone?

Attn: yeah, you in the bright blue Honda Element. My tampons called. They want their box back.

Hey Lincoln! No, Abe. No turn signals needed here! And no worries about your blind spot. It's all a myth anyway. Of course, no one else on the road really exists behind the LINEUP OF STUFFED ANIMALS IN YOUR BACK WINDOW. Toodles! You have a great day too.

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38 Comments:

Anonymous Jorge said...

"My tampons called. They want their box back. "

Priceless.

Yeah, since I started working downtown, I've been taking public transit, which has an entertainment value all it's own.

I don't know if I miss driving to work. There are a lot of jackasses on the road (and yes, I'm sure I am one sometimes).

Too many people don't think about what they're doing.

There were so many times I wish I had heat vision. Or at least tire-slash-vision.

J

Blogger oregano said...

Brilliant!

It does not bother me that people talk on their cellphones while driving. It bothers me that they drive fifty in the passing lane while talking on their cellphones. It bothers me that they are swerving side-to-side while talking on their cellphones. It makes me long for the days when I drove a ghetto sled and could ram it up their... tailpipe.

i don't understand why people put their doll collections on display in their car windows. i don't care how many stuffed animals you have, and if you do, who gave you a license?

HA!!
LOL!
ROTFL!!
And all of those other weird way sof saying "You is damn funny" online.

You make me laugh, you get linked.

It's nice to meet the David Hasselhoff of Blogs. You're big in Germany. I'm HUGE in Sri Lanka!!!!!!

Blogger kitkat said...

This was some funny sh*t today. I loved the jazzercise comment. Nice.

George Carlin once said,"Do you ever notice how everyone going slower than you on the road is a moron and everyone faster than you is a maniac?"

Blogger Queenie said...

Are you a Georgia fan in your red Toyota with a huge G on your back window, small G stickers on each side mirror, "Go Dawgs" bumper sticker and the Georgia Marti Gras beads hanign from the rearview mirror - I don't know, I'm just guessing!!!!!!

Blogger Jessie_dc22 said...

Too funny!

Blogger Oh, that girl. said...

i loved it. i linked it...hope you don't mind. I just want to make out with you, your so funny...

Blogger Jason said...

I second what min pin momma said! ;-)

Blogger Slade said...

This is everyday in-my-head commentary when I drive...on my lips? Well, I'll spare you the explotatives.

Blogger Slade said...

I meant "exploitatives" (I think)

Blogger lizzyjane said...

Don't make me piss on my new leather seats!

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

ROFL (Still in tears laughing). Hey let's drive together. We'll get a megaphone and yell stuff like this at the cars....

Blogger Laurie said...

I love that you wrote exactly what I think when I'm driving.

And I still can't get past the cologne comment.

Laugh out loud? Oh, yes. I. did.

Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

That's funny stuff. I hate driving. I don't hate the act of driving, just when there are other cars on the road.

Blogger Kris said...

Kids, it truly is what it is. This is my everyday existence on the road in my hot '96 Sentra. Yeah, baby.

I'm pleased to see two things: A number 1) you really understand me. You've seen the stuffed animals, some of you have used tampons, and you've given the finger to at least one octogenarian in the HOV lane. B number 2) there is some interest in making out with me, despite the fact that I have not yet posted a picture and could be uber-revolting. :)

I love you guys.

Blogger Laurie said...

Oh, Kris. We love you too.

And, FYI, you can add me to that make-out list. ;)

Blogger Tao said...

This was hysterical! You wrote exactly what I'm thinking each day as I drive...although I wish I had come up with the tampon comment...that was great! Have you ever considered becoming a comedian???

I've used stuffed animals. Does that count?

Blogger Kris said...

Laurie, watch yourself, you're turning Dale on.

Tao, I wish I was consistently funny enough to be a comedian. I'm more of an intermittently funny gal. Like Whoopi Goldberg. Or Brett Butler.

Dale, I don't know what to say about that comment. But I could give you a good referral for the problem.

Blogger kitkat said...

A '96 Sentra? You ARE hot.

Blogger Kris said...

I know Kit. What a sweet piece of transportation. My beau drives the 94 version.

Dueling Sentras. Honestly, it doesn't get better than that.

Blogger Kim said...

So I heard there was a makeout session going on over here...

Kris, pure genius. You said it all beautifully. I was on the Beltway the other day and I thought, "People who don't understand roadrage have never driven this stretch of highway." I swear, one of these days...

Blogger Alecia said...

You summed up the two hours I spend on the road everday to a T.

Laughing so hard, I'm crying a little.

Blogger Vince said...

A-freaking-men on the Element! Classic.

Blogger Jeremy said...

Nothing but love for this post.

Blogger J said...

mmm. road rage. good.

Anonymous Vermont Neighbor said...

Kris excellent take, funny stuff!! I remember being in DC a couple years ago and the roads can be soo frustrating. Now you've pointed out all the reasons why!

>> you in the bright blue Honda Element. My tampons called. They want their box back. <<
>heh!<

Blogger oregano said...

Kris, I thought you might like to know.

Today is David Hasselhoff's birthday!

http://the-hoff.eauctionassist.co.uk/

Blogger Mel said...

SOOOO great.

I think I passed you on HOV this morning. I don't think that you saw me - your fuzzy pink stuffed animals were in the way.

Ahh, life here in DC/NoVA is fabulous, isn't it?

Blogger Meg said...

My father recently bought a Scion. I HAD to get him a personalized license plate holder that says, "Got bread?" The thing is a silver box! Looks just like a toaster!

Blogger Kris said...

MEG = pure genius!

Blogger jules said...

LOL ... tampon box .. hysterical! Those cars are the ugliest!

Blogger evercurious said...

I love it! Too funny. Your blog is great.

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Blogger Katrina said...

Just so you know, this blog is currently enjoyed by at least 10 employees here at portland washington bmw. When we're not selling BMW's here in Washington we're reading your blog.

Blogger Katrina said...

Just so you know, this blog is currently enjoyed by at least 10 employees here at portland washington bmw. When we're not selling BMW's here in Washington we're reading your blog.

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