July 14, 2005
Help me Honda
Good morning, road! Twenty-year-old pedestrian, I'll wait on the green light while you and your latte cross the street. I know you aren't as nimble as you were at 18, and your feet must simply ache from that walk of shame you made at 6 this morning! You - take - your - time.

And well hey there minivan! Wow, you are a pretty shade of teal. Yes, I wish I had DVD screens in the back of my headrests, too. Oh well, there you go - welcome to my lane! Didn't know you were coming, but who doesn't understand the need to get to Safeway before Sunny D goes back to full price? I know! See ya at Jazzercise!

Oh no, please, Mr. BMW. Let me slow down so you can assume your rightful place at the front of the line. No, no. We weren't waiting in this mile-long string of cars for any particular reason. BTW, I really like that cologne you're wearing. That's right. I can smell it in here. That's the good stuff. One of those Imposter body sprays the teen workers guard behind glass at the CVS. I bet it's a hit with the servers at the Ruby Tuesday happy hour. Megarita, anyone?

Attn: yeah, you in the bright blue Honda Element. My tampons called. They want their box back.

Hey Lincoln! No, Abe. No turn signals needed here! And no worries about your blind spot. It's all a myth anyway. Of course, no one else on the road really exists behind the LINEUP OF STUFFED ANIMALS IN YOUR BACK WINDOW. Toodles! You have a great day too.

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28 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

"My tampons called. They want their box back. "

Priceless.

Yeah, since I started working downtown, I've been taking public transit, which has an entertainment value all it's own.

I don't know if I miss driving to work. There are a lot of jackasses on the road (and yes, I'm sure I am one sometimes).

Too many people don't think about what they're doing.

There were so many times I wish I had heat vision. Or at least tire-slash-vision.

J

HA!!
LOL!
ROTFL!!
And all of those other weird way sof saying "You is damn funny" online.

You make me laugh, you get linked.

It's nice to meet the David Hasselhoff of Blogs. You're big in Germany. I'm HUGE in Sri Lanka!!!!!!

Blogger Queenie said...

Are you a Georgia fan in your red Toyota with a huge G on your back window, small G stickers on each side mirror, "Go Dawgs" bumper sticker and the Georgia Marti Gras beads hanign from the rearview mirror - I don't know, I'm just guessing!!!!!!

Blogger Jessiedc28 said...

Too funny!

Blogger Kaycee said...

i loved it. i linked it...hope you don't mind. I just want to make out with you, your so funny...

Blogger Jason said...

I second what min pin momma said! ;-)

Blogger begins with v said...

This is everyday in-my-head commentary when I drive...on my lips? Well, I'll spare you the explotatives.

Blogger begins with v said...

I meant "exploitatives" (I think)

Blogger lizzyjane said...

Don't make me piss on my new leather seats!

Blogger Laurie said...

I love that you wrote exactly what I think when I'm driving.

And I still can't get past the cologne comment.

Laugh out loud? Oh, yes. I. did.

Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

That's funny stuff. I hate driving. I don't hate the act of driving, just when there are other cars on the road.

Blogger kris said...

Kids, it truly is what it is. This is my everyday existence on the road in my hot '96 Sentra. Yeah, baby.

I'm pleased to see two things: A number 1) you really understand me. You've seen the stuffed animals, some of you have used tampons, and you've given the finger to at least one octogenarian in the HOV lane. B number 2) there is some interest in making out with me, despite the fact that I have not yet posted a picture and could be uber-revolting. :)

I love you guys.

Blogger Laurie said...

Oh, Kris. We love you too.

And, FYI, you can add me to that make-out list. ;)

I've used stuffed animals. Does that count?

Blogger kris said...

Laurie, watch yourself, you're turning Dale on.

Tao, I wish I was consistently funny enough to be a comedian. I'm more of an intermittently funny gal. Like Whoopi Goldberg. Or Brett Butler.

Dale, I don't know what to say about that comment. But I could give you a good referral for the problem.

Blogger kris said...

I know Kit. What a sweet piece of transportation. My beau drives the 94 version.

Dueling Sentras. Honestly, it doesn't get better than that.

Blogger Kim said...

So I heard there was a makeout session going on over here...

Kris, pure genius. You said it all beautifully. I was on the Beltway the other day and I thought, "People who don't understand roadrage have never driven this stretch of highway." I swear, one of these days...

Blogger Alecia said...

You summed up the two hours I spend on the road everday to a T.

Laughing so hard, I'm crying a little.

Blogger Unknown said...

A-freaking-men on the Element! Classic.

Blogger Jer said...

Nothing but love for this post.

mmm. road rage. good.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kris excellent take, funny stuff!! I remember being in DC a couple years ago and the roads can be soo frustrating. Now you've pointed out all the reasons why!

>> you in the bright blue Honda Element. My tampons called. They want their box back. <<
>heh!<

Blogger Mel said...

SOOOO great.

I think I passed you on HOV this morning. I don't think that you saw me - your fuzzy pink stuffed animals were in the way.

Ahh, life here in DC/NoVA is fabulous, isn't it?

Blogger Meg: said...

My father recently bought a Scion. I HAD to get him a personalized license plate holder that says, "Got bread?" The thing is a silver box! Looks just like a toaster!

Blogger kris said...

MEG = pure genius!

Blogger jules said...

LOL ... tampon box .. hysterical! Those cars are the ugliest!

Blogger Tiffany Fairbanks said...

I love it! Too funny. Your blog is great.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

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