August 3, 2005
Must Love Blogs
Dear John,

I’m sorry to do this to you via my blog, but he has been the only source of support for me lately. I need to let you know that I just can’t do this anymore.

I feel like I have been really, really good to you, John. Hell, your mom and I were the only people who watched all three episodes of your sister’s ABC comedy.

But John, I have had it. You knew that things were shaky for us when you signed to make Serendipity, but Must Love Dogs? Christ, John, Dermot Mulroney had more presence in this film than you. Yeah, I said it.

This is worse than Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. Worse than America’s Sweethearts. And yes, John, even this is worse than when I caught you at the Whataburger with Ione Skye.

No John. Don’t speak. Put the boom box down. You can’t use that one on me more than once.

I really must go. I’ll always love you, my little Dobler.

Kris

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50 Comments:

Blogger Oh, that girl. said...

What a great reference! Loved say anything! Probably the only good movie he made! Sorry for your break up.. :(

Blogger Slade said...

You know, I was recently let down by a Cusack movie, Pushing Tin...I thought it was pretty bad...but I do love him!

Blogger Kim said...

Don't you think you're being a little hard on John. I mean, there have to be some good movies he's been in lately. There was...Con Air..no that's not it. Um, Pushing Tin...no, not that one.

Oh, how about High Fidelity. That was a good movie. Sure it was made in 2000 but that just means he's ripe for a good part soon.

Have a little faith.

Blogger Mel said...

What a waste. I should have saved the 9 bucks and waited til it came out on video...

All is not lost. Dermot was a total hottie!

Anonymous Beth said...

I can't get over how freaking funny and clever you are...keep 'em coming.

C'mon, Kris. The movie was called "Must Love Dogs." What'd you expect? haha. "High Fidelity" was an awesome movie. Too bad that's not enough to save him from being somewhat of a d-bag.

Blogger t2ed said...

It's the good movie sandwiched between the crappy movie plan.

Don't forget Gross Pointe Blank and The Sure Thing.

But I'll admit after Serendipity, America's Sweethearts, and Identity, I'm starting to get a little worried.

Blogger Kiki said...

OMG you are too funny! I loved this!

Awww...I forgot about identity. That movie kicked ass. I knew he was in something else that didn't suck.

Anonymous Jorge said...

I wonder where Kris will go?

Who's arms will she run into?

Orlando Bloom?
Dave McLean?
Geri Haliwell?

We can only wait and see....

:)

J

Blogger Kris said...

OMG I love Ginger Spice.

Blogger Kris said...

Wait, did Dave McLean sing American Pie?





Crickets.

Blogger Dave said...

I'd heard about this rumour that Lloyd Dobler is the love prototype for every woman everywhere, but never had proof until now. I swear to God that in the past week you're the third girl to admit this. I have a trenchcoat! I have a boombox! Why the hell did I miss out on the Ione Skye lovin'?

Say, does anyone else hear crickets?

Blogger Dave said...

No, that's my Dad.

Dale Bentley? Eh? you like that?


I've checked your blog like 3 times in the last 20 minutes. I need a hobby, I think.

Blogger Dave said...

Re: American Pie
Not Re: crickets

Blogger The Megan said...

John as Rob Gordon in High Fidelity is my perfect man. Since that movie, his career has most definitely gone down hill. Although I must admit, I actually like Seredipity.....

Blogger A Unique Alias said...

Pushing Tin was great . . . you just have to drink a whooole lot to enjoy it. But once you're smashed? Best. Movie. Ever.

Fret not, though. Ed Norton is the new (and improved) John Cusack.

Blogger Jodi said...

Noooo.... this is the worst post. No hating on John Cusack!

In college for a creative writing class we all had to write a personal ad (and later our obit, but that's a different story.) The last line of my personal read, "Bonus points if you know who Lloyd Dobler is. Extra Bonus points if you can make up a song about Joe." Lloyd Dobler was the epitomy of everything I wanted in a person. Say Anything was my favorite movie, and anyone who can reference the movie, had the makings for my type of guy.

So leave John alone. And what the heck is wrong with Serendipity? Bitching about Bullets over Broadway I can understand, but any film where John professes his undying love for me, er.. I mean his costar... makes him even more endearing.

Oh, and Don McLean sang American Pie, which thank you very kmuch, will be stuck in my head all day.

Anonymous Bad Maria said...

You started my blog day off with a great big laugh (as usual). Thanks, wiping the tears of mirth from eyes as I write this. I'm sharing this one with the husband when he gets home tonight. I just watched The Grifters a couple nights ago on IFC. John was so good in that. Sigh.

I think that guy needs some cabernet.

Anonymous Jorge said...

Dammit.
I'll sing American Pie if it makes you happy.
It's the least I could do for all the crickets that you send me in the mail, you cruel monkey!

J

Anonymous Jorge said...

ALso, please let me know if Geri Haliwell and you plan to hang out anytime soon.

Dave and I will drive down and not even THINK of bringing cameras...

Blogger Mel said...

Off topic, but I found a GREAT church sign for you...

College Humor Church Sign

Blogger Jessica said...

Hello! So, was I really on WaPoExpress? I've tried to download it a few times, and it seems that it is either broken, or I wore the wrong colors to school spirit day. :( Anyone care to cut and paste it for me?

Blogger Tao said...

I agree that it's been a downward spiral for good ole John. However, I remember fondly Grosse Point Blank and have to wipe a tear from my eye. *cry*

Blogger Alecia said...

I have idolized, loved, and obsessed over my boy John ever since One Crazy Summer. Not sure if it's because we share the same birth date or because his name starts with a J (yeah, I seem to have a weird thing with J's..John's, Johnny's, Jeremy's, JT's, Jake's..you get the picture)

But I am soo with you here. That movie was the final straw. So, so, so dissapointed.

Blogger NewYorkMoments said...

Ummmm....I loved America's Sweethearts...

Blogger babyjewels said...

Are you crazy? Dave Manning says, "...if you only see one formulaic, marginally written movie this year, make that gift to yourself Must Love Dogs."

Great post!

Blogger Kris said...

Min Pin, it will take some time, but I hope to recover. This should not be as serious as my breakup with Balki. Let's hope.

Slade, I agree! He is kinda lovable despite a few missteps, isn't he? :)

Kim, we must hold a vigil until his next good flick comes out. Maybe "Say Anything II" or... "Say Nothing"?

Mel, Dermot with Salt 'n Pepa (not the group) hair is like real Cool Whip on strawberries in the summertime . . . TMI. TMI.

Yeah, thanks Beth! You are a commenting genius! Which is more than I can say for my beau. Whuh?

Dale, you are hilarious. And I am officially your e-stalker.

T2ed, am I the only one who hasn't seen The Sure Thing? (Story of my life, mind you . . .)

Kiki, thanks! I really love your new pic!

Jorge and Dave, you both need a time out. To your corners. Oh, I still can't wait to hear about your weekend in the woods together. (Deliverance.)

Crickets.

The Megan, I liked Serendipity too. Shhh. Let's keep it just between us. :)

Alias, nice pull. I do think Ed Norton might be a good pick . . . He still couldn't have saved Must Love Dogs. Even the dog didn't want to be in that one.

Jodi (aka John SUPERFAN!) Your comment had me giggling all day. More than the movie did, I assure you. :)

Maria, you are so fun. Must . . . NetFlix . . . Grifters . . . for love . . . to survive . . .

Christopher, I have a few bottles in my car if that helps.

Jessica, I'll say it again, you are a rock star! Keep commenting and we'll see if we can make it into the Enquirer this time!

Tao and Alecia, my JC support group meets on Tuesdays in the auditorium. BYOK. (Bring your own Kleenex.)

New York Moments, it's ok to admit that here as you are among friends. Be careful about telling peers and colleagues about this problem. :)

Baby Jewels, in a word: Hilar.

Blogger Aimée said...

John. I thought I knew ya. How sad it is ... indeed ... how sad it is.

Anonymous Jorge said...

Aw man.
I hate time outs.
Kris, the stories have been posted.

Blogger Jason said...

I think they guy just needs to get work. I wonder how long he's keeping his agent.

Blogger Queenie said...

This is fucking hilarious, great post! On a side note, we have a John look-a-like running around Jacksonville. I know this first hand because upon meeting him I was instantly swept back into the 80's and fell in love with him all over again! Yes I did, I had a one night stand with John Cusack. (Sadly, I never even caught the guy's real name!)

Blogger lizzyjane said...

Someone told me once that I look like JOAN Cusack, and I cried for a week over it.

Blogger Jeremy said...

He looks so stunned in that photograph, as if your words really got to him. Maybe one day he'll learn.

Blogger Kris said...

He was stunned. Mostly because I had tasered him seconds before this photo was taken.

Blogger mrsmogul said...

I used to date an MTV VJ who was friends with John and Joan Cusack. I used to work at MTV too but that's another story.

Poor John, he'll NEVER get over you.
Poor bastard.

Did you give him a pen?

Blogger JJ said...

Note to self: Kris is the sort of girl who shakes a guy awake and then tasers him.

Call her soonest.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Kris: All of our heroes are whores. Write it down.

Blogger Kristen said...

I have resorted to blaming all his costars for the lack of chemistry. It can't possibly be his fault, right?

God, I love him.

Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

You know what's funny? I just saw Better off dead for the first time not too long ago.

Blogger Mel said...

Congrats on being in Washington Post Express!!!

You are THE blogstar. You're right up there with Dooce.

On your way to the top, don't forget the little ones that have been with you from the start...
But, I'll still understand when you won't want me to come on Oprah with you!

Blogger Danielle said...

i should have listened to your warning, but i just watched "dogs,"... i am virtually speechless... the worst... ever.

Blogger Paul said...

I could NOT watch this movie.

Between Cusack being so BLOATED and so LOW KEY, I was ready to fall asleep.

Blogger Shawn said...

Great...

Now he's going to be down here at the Gas n Sip pouting again...thanks for that. You know how he gets when he's been dumped. If I have to hear more fuzzy bunny stories because of this...

Hang tough John...Ice Man...Ice Lloyd...

Anonymous JC said...

"This is it. The site of our controversial first date. I met her at a mall. Should've known our relationship was doomed. To our left, we have.....the blog where she broke up with me. And there's the path we took.

---LLOYD

Blogger Xtine said...

cusack oh poor cusack, i miss the lloyd days.

Blogger Karla said...

As he is the man who gave us Grosse Point Blank (writing and acting!), he will always be on my List of Five. But then, Jeff Goldblum is also on my List of Five, so maybe I should take my random taste elsewhere...
Ahem.

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