July 18, 2005
Me love food long time
Since I was born - nay, since the dinosaurs created the universe - I have loved to eat. It occurred to me today, when I lied to my Subway sandwich artist and told him to the contrary, that I have never, ever, and I mean EVER forgotten to eat.

At my most intoxicated I have always known how to call for food. At any given time I have at least two pizza joints pre-programmed into my phone, so in my first five drunk dial attempts of the night I am bound to hit one of them. The victim of a flash flood while in graduate school, I forgot to shower, brush my teeth and even call my family, but I distinctly remember the Power Bars I ate during the two-day ordeal. I once had food poisoning and threw up for 14 hours straight. Even then, over the bucket, the toilet and later the tub, I'm pretty sure my thoughts eventually turned to pizza.

That said, it should not surprise us that over time I have fluctuated a good bit - up 10 pounds, down 20, up 25, down 30.

This brings to mind a time when I was up a few baker's dozens. I attended a wedding in downtown DC, and to my surprise a woman I went to college with, a time of single-digit dress sizes, greeted me in the church hallway.

"Kriiiiiiis," she said, her Estee-Laudered lips parting slowly. She put a hand on my shoulder. "Do you remember me? It's me, Steph-a-nie."

She was talking to me in the way that people a) talk to foreigners who have given them the incorrect amount of money at a 7-11, b) talk to old people with both dementia and hearing aids, and c) ignorantly yell at the deaf as if this will suddenly clear their ears.

At first I was sure something terrible had happened to her. Clearly, she had been in a car wreck, and was only now recovering the use of her left hemisphere. Maybe she had been dropped on her head while doing keg stands at Homecoming. Oh, God, or possibly worse - had that old wives' tale about the detrimental effects of blonde highlights really come true?

No, I finally realized. She was talking to me that way because she hardly recognized me in my chunkier body, and in her small-minded way, this translated into me not recognizing her.

I've since lost most of that weight but not the memory. It's funny that the image still comes back to me sometimes. No, not the one about her treating me differently due to my weight - this image is the one of me dropping her on her highlighted, Estee-Laudered head.



Blogger deanne said...

Ah I hear ya. The only reason why I go to the gym, is purely so I can eat whatever the hell I want! If I don't go, my weights up and down like a freakin' yo yo.

Blogger Mel said...

I've had a very similar moment.

And I have even had old friends give me the "face" - the one where they recognize you but don't want you to come up to them - and then ignore me.

I hate stupid people.

Kris, you rock!
I admit it, you are funnier than me.
I bow to your mastery of "The Funny".
(Like "The Force" but...um....funnier).

Anonymous Jorge said...

How ignorant.
Ah well. Stupidity needs a home, I suppose.

Blogger Kris said...

Gym = foreign land to me. Like Equatorial Guinea.

Mel and Jorge, yes! Stupid people do need a home. And usually, it seems to be at a Walmart, Dollar Store, traffic jam, or church foyer near me.

JOAT - thanks for the compliment. I may be funny, but at least you got a light saber.

Nah, they only let me have the light letter opener. :(

Blogger Kris said...

JOAT - just an aside. Your Alba pic makes me laugh every time I see it. I picture maniacal Tom Cruise laughter coming out of it.

Blogger Kiki said...

I'm at the up 10 lbs phase right now. It sucks getting back to the down 20.

I'm currently polling people on who my new profile pic should be on my blog.

Some people don't seem to notice who it is and they think it's me. I'd like to be hot, but I'm a guy.
A very lukewarm guy at that.

I'll be sad to see her go. :(

Blogger Tao said...

I can't stand gyms! I bought a really neat workout contraption to use in the privacy of my home. I used it for awhile with great zeal...while I was still paying it off.

Kris, I love pizza too. Alot.

Being a little "chunkier" is sexy, right? Right? Oh please somebody tell me I'm right.

Blogger Tao said...

dale---heck yes, you're right! Didn't you know that everyone who comes to kris's blog is automatically sexy?

Blogger Kris said...


Anonymous Jorge said...

What if you're already dead sexy, like Dave?

Or what if you're sexily dead? Like Bela Lugosi?

Blogger Kris said...

When I first read that a picture of Marty Feldman came into my head.

Also sexily dead.

Blogger Slade said...

I am like Deanne...I exercise so that I can eat whatever! And it makes me feel good too I guess...hehe...funny about the flash flood food, I too can remember the food we used to eat at hurrikeg parties in Wilmington in my undergrad.

Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Cool piece. Got a few chuckles out of me. Yes, no matter what happens, no matter how bad it gets, I'd never forget to eat. I keep running into people who say "I forgot to eat today" and I'm thinking "how can anyone forget to eat?"

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

Oh Girl have I been there. Drop her for me too!

Love pizza....Bridg

Blogger Bookhart said...

It used to drive me crazy that my husband would forget to eat. I just don't see how that would be possible. Right after I finish breakfast I start thinking about what I might want for lunch.

Anonymous Vermont Neighbor said...

Thinking about what to eat next is life's greatest burden. Sweet or salty? Crunchy or comforting heavy, filling starchy food. Hell!

I was always the one everyone hated: You're so thin! How do you stay so thin? Well, thanks to depression, divorce and da fridge, I'm up a good 15 lbs. Zero motivation. No background in having to bail myself out of bigger clothes. Oh, I used to work out 6 days a week but it's been a long time since I did anything that logical.

Long shirts cover my size 8 pants. These, which used to be baggy are now looped together with 2-3 rubber bands at the button. Isn't that sad! I keep saying, I want to be back at 4 or so. I don't have the money for new sizes. And the greatest lie of all time: I'm going to start working out soon!!!

I'm just going to start by getting some running shoes and woofing around the park. Then my old gym habit might come back.

And sorry about that horrible moment at the wedding. I can't speak for others but I know I start chattering in high octaves at weddings and unexpected sightings. It's more about me, not a reaction to the other person. But you've proven to be perceptive about people (and funny in recounting the details), so I don't want to say you imagined it! I know I would have walked away thinking, why did I talk like a fire engine, that person must think I'm such an idiot.

Weddings are to be avoided anyway. Especially if you're the one scheduled to walk down the plank.
: )

PS- Mel gave me an awesome mention on her site, which I just stumbled into! Thanks Mel.

PPS- Newlyweds and nearly-weds, go ahead and get married. Don't listen to anyone bitter who just doesn't know how to do it right!!

Anonymous Vermont Neighbor said...

Oops! Am maybe 20 lbs overweight. I just go by the feel, I forget there's a whole number angle to it.

Anonymous Jorge said...

Kris, I've linked you to me. Not sure if I told you.

Blogger lauren emily said...

WHOA, I am SO psychic!! Just go check out my comment on dale bentley's most recent blog post (complete w/photo)... I SWEAR I didn't read this first.

Blogger Kris said...

You guys are so funny. I LOVE THE COMMENTS. Kris = comment whore!

Slade - Hurrikeg = hilar. Of all my years in hurricane territory, that's the first time I've heard that.
ZS, BJ, VT, bookhart = thanks for getting it!
Jorge = (cue dramatic music) How could you link us more than we already are - two bloggers in a world of confusion . . . wow - thanks!
LE = oh no you didn't . . . :)

Blogger Dave said...

You continue to crack my shit up.

Anonymous Jorge said...

Kris, out of all the blog joints in all the world, you typed your way into mine...
Using your ass that won't quit, of course..

Blogger oregano said...

I am eating Kung Pao Beef with Fried Rice as I type this. Yes, this makes it very hard to type.

After losing 18 pounds, I've gained a few back and seem to have leveled out at 179. Bugger! I only need to lose another 10 pounds!

I believe I am fighting the "over thirty" curse.

Blogger oregano said...

OK, Kris. It is time to post your photo!

Blogger Kris said...

No pressure eh, O? (That sounded like Tony Danza in my head . . .)

I'm having Breakfast Club flashbacks. ANSWER THE QUESTION CLAIRE!

I'll post a photo when I finally figure out how to crop ex-boyfriends, empty wine glasses and my cat out of them.

Or when Vermont Neighbor finally creates her own blog. :)

I agree with Oregano. It's picture time, Kris.

Blogger Kris said...

Simma down now!

Blogger oregano said...

Cropping? That is easy! I will even do it for you.

Now you have no excuses!

Anonymous Vermont Neighbor said...

Here's my feeling on the Kris pic /no pic angle. Don't do it! Either do it early from the start, like O did at cafeoregano or just avoid it. (Or.....do what YOU feel is right!!!)

My media work includes radio. I always felt, it's best to get the picture up on the website so people can see what particular face goes with the voice. But after everyone's already bonded, it's too late, IMO. It's an energy, an ambience, an ongoing wavelength. (Although you're such a gifted writer it would be great to see you, too! But maybe we'll see you in a magazine article or newspaper interview or something.)

You know when you're halfway thru a nice meal and someone says, let's get some candles. It's not a bad idea. But why?

I say let Kris carry on and enjoy her gathering crowd! We're pressing our noses against the window not necessarily for a picture ... but for another funny & fabulous story!!!

Blogger Mel said...

Kris, oh my god, TONY DANZA!?! You crack my shit up. Can't stop laughing.

I mixed about the whole pic deal. Do I continue for years passing you on the street, bars, shops without never knowing??? Like you once said, makes for a great Oprah story...

Blogger Jason said...

I've gone up and down (mostly up) since I got married six-and-a-half years ago, but moving has helped me drop a few. Now if I can just get my gym set up in the garage...

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