March 4, 2008
Yes, you.
I’m talking to you. I know you don’t know me, but I know you.

I want you to leave her alone, to stop this mess you’ve lured her into. To stop dangling the carrot in front of her face knowing full well that you aren’t enough for this woman, knowing full well that you keeping her at arm’s length only draws her in closer. I want you to man up and tell her to move on, tell her you’ll never deliver, because you won’t. Sunday crosswords and hands held tightly at the market and wine over dinner with friends – it isn’t in the cards. She will never meet your parents or be your date for the wedding you’ve talked about for the year, a picture of celebration and friendship you’ve painted repeatedly, although never with her in it. She will never see the Maldives with you and your favorite couple. You will never agree to hit the favorite haunts in her hometown.

And you know it.

You’ve known it since the beginning, since well before any synonym for commitment ever entered the conversation. You’ve known it since you hesitated the first and the tenth time to introduce her to your friends, since you turned down the first of many invitations to meet up with her girls at their bar. The excuses are lazy ones and the truth even lazier. You've known it since you first saw her face flush when you gave her hope of something more.

Tell her you’re back together with an ex, that you never loved her. Tell her the truth: that you’re a ridiculous coward who doesn’t care enough about her to let her live her own life.

She deserves better than you, and I only wish she knew it. I wish I could fast forward to the day when she’ll have him, the one who won’t want to make a vacation plan without her in it, who will think to bring her to meet his friends within a matter of days. He’ll be without her and wish she was picking up her cell so he could share a silly observation. He’ll be in awe of her and on some days stare at her when she isn’t looking. He'll know that sex isn't always about the orgasm and he'll check on her when she's sick. Oh yes, they’ll fight and there will be weeks when she won’t remember what she saw in him to begin with, but he’ll love her deeply and treat her with the respect and adoration she deserves. And there will be Sunday crosswords and knowing how she takes her coffee and the occasional envy of her friends.

And you know that part too.


54 Comments:

Blogger EDW said...

Yes. Yes. Yes.

I want him to leave my her alone, too, with passion.

Blogger cindy said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

Blogger ramblin' girl said...

beautiful. I wish someone would have written that for me. because it is sometimes so much easier to see it as a friend than when you are the one he should leave alone.

Blogger Nic said...

I love this post. I hope she is able to believe in the last paragraph, because sometimes believing is the hardest thing in the world.

Blogger emilyjoyrin said...

i needed to read that last paragraph. thanks.

Blogger DJSassafrass said...

Can we all copy this and give it to unworthy guys that our friends date? Brilliant!

Amen sister.

Blogger Heather B. said...

A-freaking-men.

Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

I think Hallmark should take this post and make it a card. Maybe even one of those cards that comes in an eight pack.

Blogger Sizzle said...

Word!

That's brilliant.

Blogger Kelly said...

Sweartogod - Had a dream about you last night! You and I ventured up 45 floors (in an elevator that didn't have walls! eeek!) to see our friend Jorge. It was a fun and lovely visit.

In the dream you stood up for me. You beat a man down, strong woman!

And lo! Here you are, standing up for someone on yer blog! We, you and me, are N'SYNC.

Question: is this for your him, or a friend's him? Or just a general message to all the lazy-hims who are time-wasters of awesome women?

Either way: Brillz.

xo

Blogger Chantel said...

A'fucking'MEN!

I'll have to print this and carry it around in my purse.

Blogger distracted spunk said...

I'm not sure if I've commented before. But that post hit me square in the chest. I've been that girl before, and I don't want to be that girl again. Like the others, I agree that this should be made in to a placard of some sort that we can carry around, to remind us of what we deserve.

Blogger Gooseberried said...

I very much appreciate this post, Kris. Gracias amiga.

Blogger Spirophita said...

I've been there. Sucks. And the sad part is you don't know all of this when you're in it. It only ends when your hope does.

Blogger deeeeeetroit said...

Methinks it is best to steer clear of this post. Just a smidge too much hormone going on here. *hands in pocekts, whistling softly, walking backwards away from interwebs*

Wow, this post hits home for me right now. I will read it again and again, until I am stronger and no longer have to be reminded that I am a strong woman who deserves to be treated with love and respect.

Thank you for reminding me.

Blogger Alexandra said...

Thanks for writing this. I really needed to read it today!

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I have dated him and can attest to his unworthiness. He makes it extremely difficult to imagine the right one and all his awesome qualities, but he's out there and it's not jerk-face.

Blogger Frankly, Scarlett said...

Dude- I really appreciate you writing this letter to my ex. Thank you!

I think my best friend wanted to say EXACTLY this same thing to a man who needed to be reminded, more than often of all these things. This post made me smile - because after a long time of needing to let go, all those things he didn't do, a new one has...

Blogger Diane Mandy said...

Hey, I dated him, too. But I can say with absolute confidence that life gets so much better once he is pushed out of your life forever.

Blogger Debbie said...

Great post. I know a few guys I'd love to send this to.

I have absolutely been *that* girl ... the one who holds onto every little crumb the guy leaves behind and prays for more.

I just want to add that although it would be nice if the guy developed some integrity and walked away, ultimately it is our own responsibility to realize our worth and to tell the guy to piss off.

We can blame the guy all we want, but the truth is, we all accept the love we think we deserve.

Hope she realizes soon that she deserves so much more

Blogger Genevieve said...

This is a great post. You're such a good friend! :)
Reading this just makes me so happy that I've actually found a good guy & I don't have to deal with those head games that some of them play. -_-

Blogger Kathryn said...

I am that girl right now, she says while hanging her head in shame

any way to send it off to "him" anonymously??

Blogger myself said...

Oo. Bit too close for comfort that is. Well written.

Blogger Tina said...

Um...hi. I am this girl. I just wish I had a friend to send this to HIM.

Seeing the situation in writing makes it sound so pathetic and sad.

I will settle for crumbs no more.

Blogger Mia said...

Amen girl.. there's always still hope. I guess. But for now, there's booze.

Blogger Kristen said...

I've commented once before, so hi again!

Who *hasn't* dated this loser?

Hate him with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.

Ugh! I'm all fired up now.

Blogger Shell said...

A-f8ing-men

Blogger Sarah said...

I am seriously crying as I read this. You are such a good friend!

Blogger huesnlight said...

my girlfriend taught me all of what you wished for within 1 day.

i know everything she likes down to what colors... and especially that sex doesn't always have to involve an orgasm.

i'm going to marry her.

Blogger Brett said...

I want to send this to the guy I really really like right now- we just met. I'm hoping he's already gotten the memo.

Brilliance, all of it.

Blogger Jessica said...

Beautiful!

Blogger June Cutoff Cash said...

You are my new favorite person.

Blogger Paperback Writer said...

Word.

I hope one day she listens to you.

Blogger Magnolias & Juleps said...

doesn't it kind of make you just stop in your tracks and make you think about how crazy it is that so many people, probably more like me (ones you don't know), are so touched by what your wrote about someone we don't even know... because it relates to our lives... for a lack of better words; it just plain sucks. I wish I could write like that and send it to that person in my life. Thanks

Blogger playfulinnc said...

I had a friend that, when asked what she wanted for her birthday, told me, "For you to stop going back and forth to the Dude We Know Treats You Badly."

I did, and I am so glad for it.

Blogger griffin said...

This made me well up. I'm still in the process of being That Girl, and I only wish I had a friend who'd say all this to the stingy, small-hearted loser who has wasted so much of my time.

Beautifully written.

Blogger Michele said...

I was that girl years and years ago, and I always thought I was just young and stupid and lacked self-esteem. It breaks my heart to see how many others have felt like this in previous comments.

Blogger ghettodev said...

Wow. The number of comments that can relate to the post is slightly overwhelming. Two friends have already shared this post with me today.

In defense of men, sometimes you want to feel things out before you dive into things. It's not fair but it's not all bad.

Blogger belmontmedina said...

I've been that girl, and I've been you...either way it blows. Thanks for saying what so many of us have been thinking.

Blogger SickGirl said...

though this applies to me last spring it's nice to read such a great reinforcement mechanism to keep me in check whenever my thoughts wander back to that jerk.

Blogger Ryane said...

Kris, you are wonderful....great post.

Blogger dcavocado said...

Great post! I have thought the same thing many a times.

Blogger KB said...

Hi. I just read this today.

I just love you, did you know that?

Thanks. :heart:

Blogger Washington Cube said...

I think every woman I know or have known has been or is this woman. No one has escaped this. The funny (meaning not) thing is, the women usually do confront the man and ask him to be honest, for him to say goodbye (since he is the one chosing to end it,) and even with their directness, asking for the truth, he still dangles with his silence.

I'm never sure if it's passive aggressive cowardice, arrogance, holding onto the "spare," or a combination of the above. You would think this behavior is only seen in younger men and that with maturity, the behavior goes away? No. Sadly not.

Everything you read on the subject says, "Well. If he no longer speaks to you, or throws the proverbial crumb, (and it is crumb(s),) then that is your answer." Easily said without factoring in your heart. Your head knows the answer, but once your heart is committed, it is not that easy to walk away from what you have struggled so hard to bring into your life and keep there.

Unrequited love and rejection. Totally sucks, doesn't it?

Blogger Washington Cube said...

...and I would add..since only Kris is reading this now...do you know what really eats at me? They KNOW...they KNOW you are fighting for the relationship, they KNOW you love them, they KNOW how they feel...and they don't let go...just that horrible, horrible silence leaving a dot of hope. My own feeling is, for the most part, you tell a woman it's over? She isn't going to keep up this fighting. She'll do the honorable thing and walk away. And they know THAT, too.

Blogger Chandana said...

I just found your blog through dcblogs. What a great post. I just broke up with the guy who didnt realize what he had. Thanks for making me smile

Blogger abbersnail said...

Oh, this could have been written by one of my friends a year ago. Just reading it made me remember what it felt like to be in that quagmire.

Thanks for this. The last paragraph especially is effing brilliant.

Blogger Debbie said...

I just have to add that washington cube's first comment (and second for that matter) made me wonder if she was somehow involved in my relationship -- her comment was so dead on accurate to what I experienced.

It took me four plus years to work through the pain and confusion and to finally walk away. It is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and I've done a lot of hard shit.

I am thankful to all the responses on this post because it reminds me that I was not alone in my experience and that I wasn't crazy.

To see someone write in their own words exactly what I was feeling in my experience is the most delicious form of solidarity.

Thank you.

Blogger Lola said...

Just had the blessed good fortune to stumble upon your blog. I don't know who she is, but she is so lucky to have you in her corner, fighting for her. Sometimes I wish I'd had someone like that pulling for me. I'd have saved myself a hell of a lot of bruises. I'll be checking back often, I like your style. Lola
http://lolaology.blogspot.com

Blogger honeykbee said...

This guy sure gets around.

God I LOVE THIS. I feel like it was written for me. hah

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