February 24, 2008
Michael Clayton, can you get mama a glass of red while you're up? Juno you want to.
Ok, so I'm watching the pre-show on ABC. Didn't it look like Clooney's girlfriend totally didn't get his joke about Cary Grant? I also suspect she might be wearing the pastel bedspread from their room at the Sleep Inn.

Javier Bardem. Sweet Jebus. Somebody cleans up real nice, mutton chops and all. I don't have any Spanish in me, but I wouldn't mind some.

I wonder sometimes who these people are who cheer on the red carpet walkers. I'm pretty sure they're the same folks who get Christmas pictures of their cats taken at PetSmart.

I want to eat Nutella out of Jennifer Garner's dimples. She looks stunning. As does Helen Mirren.

SCORE! Truthitude or falsehood? Did Daniel Day Lewis buy his wife a Bedazzler for Christmas? I'd bet another of Bug's legs on it.

Seriously, how slow is the red carpet this year if Regis is in the bowels of the Kodak talking to third string performers? Brad? Angelina? I'd even take Meg Ryan. Tom Green?

Ok, the main attraction. What is this BS? No opening montage, a skillfully-constructed three-minute orgasm of funny? Our host will eventually redeem himself with the Gaydolf Titler line. Inappropriate, but funny because he's smart and probably does the Sunday crossword in his nudeness.

I love Jon Stewart so much. I want to make out with him hard core and then lie in bed eating separate XL pizzas.

This has been 15 minutes of boring. Even Cricket has resorted to licking herself for stimulation. Ah, here comes the delicacy that is George Clooney. I would go to a Tobey Keith concert if this guy asked me to, which for me is a request just short of having children.

Did they just couple a pic of Christopher Reeve with Celine's My Heart Will Go On? Seriously? The writer's strike may be dead but apparently cheap tears are not. Cripes.

Nothing, my friends, NOTHING says comedy like a Steve Carell/Anne Hathaway pairing. GENIUS.

Normal people (read: those who are not stars or folk from the Island of Pretty) should be given five seconds each to speak when accepting their awards. They should then retire to their Normal People afterparty at Denny's.

Katherine Heigl is adorable.

Am I just sober or is this a really boring broadcast? Maybe things will pick up after the collection of "Best Hot Dog on a Craft Services Cart" awards have been handed out.

Johnny Depp just blew a kiss at an award winner and I almost dove for the television to intercept it. Don't judge.

Ah yes. First acting award - AMEN! And a shot of Christopher Walken with feathered hair! Ah, and Cuba's big moment. No, not the one that ditched Castro.

Jennifer Hudson is adorable. Off topic, sometimes I wonder if there's a Locks of Love-type program for women who have more than their share of breasts. Back to the topic at hand, Jennifer is a talented, amply-busted woman. Who could be helping at least two A-wearing women in LA achieve their dreams. Just sayin'.

Javier might be the newest man to be kept in inappropriately small Tupperware under my bed. Just so you know, his Spanish tribute to his "mother"? It was actually for me. Javi, I can't wait for us to eat Eggo waffles off of each other's chins either, baby. Come home soon. Mi casa? Well, you know.

Keri Russell is a little bit of sunshine, even if she can't break out of indies. I love me some Felicity, not like a normal WB fan might, but more like a freak that bought her ex-boyfriend the first season DVD under the guise of it actually being for HIM. Yep. I really did.

Gratuitous choral interlude. Cigarette.

Yeah Owen Wilson! Hello, mate! (I hope they remembered to pull him out of the death montage in time.)

Best live action short film followed by Seinfeld's voiceover as an animated bee. Time to bathe the cats and go for my annual exam. In Argentina.

Ok, this redhead from Michael Clayton. A number 1) thank you for bringing some spirit to these here awards. B number 2) a stop at the Clinique counter would have taken 10 MINUTES.

Did they just say stay tuned for Miley Cyrus? Seriously? Is she the only one not in rehab?

Jessica Alba! I'd pee my pants if she presented Juno with an award. Nothing says wholesome like fianceed pregnancy!

Jack Nicholson, your cool 1980s self called, and he wants his sunglasses back.

I've never understood why they sing all the nominated songs. It isn't that fun, is it? I'd much rather see them have the nominated thespians re-enact one of their scenes. Also, did construction workers just pick up Kristin Chenowith and rest her on their manly shoulders? Lucky bitch. I really should start inhaling helium again.

I'm not sure if you guys know this, but one actually can die of boredom. I knew I'd make it into Wikipedia somehow. Wait! Achievement in Sound Mixing! I'm saved!

Forrest Whitaker signals the arrival of a real award. And . . . someone I've never heard of wins it. I wish so much I'd picked up a bag of Baked Doritos to fill the void that now exists in my Oscar soul.

Colin Farrell. Mama likey when you take a shower. I bet you smell like English professor smoking a pipe. While wearing an apron and making huevos rancheros. In my kitchen.

Renee! She looks fabu, but don't you wish someone in the front row would yell out, "Hey, yeah you, Renee! Just what does it mean to divorce someone for FRAUD, anyway?"

Wardrobe malfunction spoiler! Nicole Kidman, YOUR HARRY WINSTONS ARE STUCK ON YOUR BOOB! NO REALLY! YOU HAVE A GAZILLION DOLLARS OF ICICLE DIAMONDS HANGING FOR DEAR LIFE TO YOUR RIGHT BREAST! *camera 1, reduce to head shot stat*

Bwahahahaha! Did they just introduce him as the "versatile and handsome Patrick Dempsey!" Seriously? Versatile? Like a reversible children's jacket? "And when she vomits carrots on it, just turn it inside out, and PRESTO CHANGE-O! It's an adult bib! No need to stop home before hitting the liquor store for mommy juice and takeout dignity!"

John Travolta has no eyes.

Oh no . . . here we go . . . the death montage. Cue excessive Heath Ledger applause. Does anyone else have the experience of finding out five years after you thought a star was dead and buried that he lived several years past your expectation? I've gotta be honest; I thought Bob Hope died in like '43. Apparently not.

Original Score? Wait, I thought that was Kimmay's Senior Superlative! Holla!

Um, does Tom Hanks have somewhere better to be? Like home shining his Oscars? I'm not sure he's even reading the cue cards in their entirety.

You know those commercials in which the tired adventurers with the broken legs and little love for their families tell their companions to go on without them? That they don't mind dying in the snow alone while coyotes chew at their soft tissue? That's how I feel right about now.

Kick ass for the Juno pole dancer/writer winning the screenplay award. Even better she showed up in Bam-Bam wear. Good stuff. A fantastic moment of authenticity, and it's about freaking time.

I want to take Helen Mirren home and make tea. Finally . . . Best Actor! No surprises here. Although I did think for a brief moment DDL and Clooney might miss while going for the consolation hug and full-on kiss. Which would make for a most beautiful You Tube day in the office tomorrow.

Direction . . . and it's the Coens! The new Weinbergs of the City of Angels! Clever, clever boys these two. Somewhere in America, the cute girls who turned these meh looking guys down are wondering if they can Google their phone numbers in the morning.

BEST PICTURE! It's almost time to hit the 7-11 for a bag of Doritos busted open with nacho cheese pumped into its innards hay!

Yeah. Next year it might be best to skip the Oscars and instead watch old people put in their teeth. Am I wrong?

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71 Comments:

Blogger Mme.Meow said...

Is it mean to say she's also not very pretty?

Sleep Inn-- that Clooney is so classy.

Blogger kris said...

she's surely not as good looking as teen sensation miley cyrus.

*gagging*

Blogger gorillabuns said...

Good God, Daniel's chick, Ms. Miller's dress looks like crapola.

Blogger kris said...

OMG yes. Did they seriously just bring out the world's oldest red carpet stalker? Wearing a bright yellow flotation device?

Blogger gorillabuns said...

complete with beads. nice touch.

Blogger MereCat said...

jennifer garner is simply beautiful... i luff her.

Blogger gorillabuns said...

are we sure the writer's aren't still on strike?

Blogger MereCat said...
Blogger gorillabuns said...

This show needs a little Cuba to breathe some life into it.

Blogger kris said...

Guys, it gets worse every year, does it not? Bah.

Blogger gorillabuns said...

the dude didn't really bring Peter to the stage, did he? it might as well have been a Star Wars character.

Blogger Miss Scarlet said...

do NOT like Jennifer Hudson. I agree on the men though...smokin'!

Blogger gorillabuns said...

or at the very least, the drug store for some Maybelline mascara.

Blogger kris said...

Nice call. Or even Borders. I think they sell Burt's Bees at the checkout.

Blogger MereCat said...

Bravo Mlle Cotillard!!!!!

Blogger gorillabuns said...

but did you pick up a bottle of wine?

Blogger kris said...

She is lovely and gracious, to be sure, but who is she? Wait, is she Britney's second to last manager? That must be it.

Blogger EDW said...

I am really enjoying this show...but I have drunk a bottle of wine. And my inlaws are over, so I have a good head start on the wine. If you follow.

Jon is just making shit up now. What writers???

Mmmm, chardonnay!

Blogger kris said...

Who said you could drink without us?!?!?!?! *AND* HAVE IN LAWS?!?!?!?!?!

Blogger MereCat said...

Have a drink for me. I'm stone cold sober much to my chagrin.

Blogger MereCat said...

Oh and well I guess she is Edith Piaf. That's really all I care about. I just like Piaf. I'm just shallow that way I suppose.

Blogger kris said...

The ridiculousness that is this best picture montage allowed me to Google Edith Piaf. Because apparently I live under a rock. Or a mound of cat hair. Probable.

Blogger EDW said...

Oh, shit, me, too. (Edith Piaf - Google and clueless.) Can I say "shit" in your comments? I hope so.

Did I mention the chardonnay was really yummy? And that I got my MIL drunk?

I'll drink a glass for all of us!

Blogger kris said...

Yes, yes you did. And I also had to Google MIL. Because that's how I roll.

Blogger EDW said...

Better to have to Google it than to have to get yours drunk. Trust me.

So...musical performances. Do we care?

Blogger kris said...

Admittedly, I'd care if it was Madonna singing her Oscar-nominated song from "Swept Away," but somehow I just know that's never going to happen.

Blogger EDW said...

Okay, I have to ask. Did you see that? And, were you sober when you did? That sort of screams "Happy Snaps" to me. In case you're not 19, that'd be half Snapple, half vodka. Oh, yes, I was a classy college coed!

Blogger kris said...

OMG which part? Best foreign language snapple film?

Blogger M said...

Roger that on Katherine Heigle (sp?) cutest chick ever.

How sad was it that the girl from the best song (from "Once") didn't get a chance to say thanks on the mic.

:(

Blogger M said...

scratch that. they just gave her a moment.

yay.

Blogger EDW said...

Swept Away. So with you on Patrick Dempsey. And John Travolta.

Blogger M said...

ummm...that was kind of a disappointing tribute..

Blogger gorillabuns said...

why did they have to include Heath? couldn't they wait a year?

Blogger kris said...

Why thank you!

I'm not gonna lie; I have my footie pajamas and mouthguard laid out on my nightstand. I can't wait to go to bed. This show is ridiculously boring.

Blogger kris said...

It was lame. I think they were counting on some mad appreciation for Heath. Unfortunately no one famous is in the audience and therefore there was little reaction. Homeless seat fillers don't necessarily have their fingers on the pulse of entertainment. Just sayin'.

Blogger M said...

frankly, he got less than most of those honored. he only got 1 pic or so... didn't they used to have a few quotes or something? a sound bite or two? weak...

jennifer garner does look good. superb.

Blogger M said...

oh, and laura linney is lighting up the oscars. i love, love, love her.

Blogger kris said...

I think they used to have a few lines in the death montage, but it was only for the actors, and in a way that made things really actor heavy. Poor editors. And whatever else it is that people do in Hollywood.

And I love me some Laura Linney. Class act.

Blogger M said...

alright, i know i'm over-commenting, but i got one more. i have no clue what that last award was for, but i feel like if you're not a lesbian, you shouldn't be capitalizing on the trials and tribulations of lesbians.

Blogger kris said...

I think the award actually was for capitalizing on the trials and tribulations of lesbians, so I'm on the fence. ;)

Blogger M said...

it's the yellow tail. i'm playing russian roulette with the comments.

Blogger kris said...

I'm drinking Smirnoff Ice, so I'm pretty sure your comments hold more truth than mine right now.

I kid.

About which part I'm unclear.

Blogger M said...

well, it appears that harrison ford had more...or a stroke.. yikee.

Blogger EDW said...

My husband tried to put away the chardonnay. I almost got violent.

Okay, I have to say...I hate the Tom Hanks we-love-the troops thing. Like, yes, it's good to acknowledge that we are at war, but "a little place down the street from La Brea we like to call Baghdad"? Eh.

Blogger MereCat said...

That chick's name is Diablo???

Blogger M said...

haha, right?

god, the juno win felt so much more refreshing. enough of the rich getting richer.

Blogger kris said...

Agreed. Maybe this is what was making Forrest Gump want to run.

Blogger gorillabuns said...

and her TAT was pretty sweet.

Blogger kris said...

Agreed again, m! I KNOW!

Blogger kris said...

And agreed AGAIN, buns!!!

Blogger Sizzle said...

"John Travolta has no eyes."

I can't stop laughing at that. :0

Blogger M said...

miley cyrus comment - i thought i was alone in the world. hilarious.

Blogger gorillabuns said...

sadly, i wanted johnny to win. you know due to his 21 jump street days.

Blogger kris said...

Oh yes. I'm purring just thinking about his days as a teen narc.

Blogger gorillabuns said...

thanks, now i'm going to scavenge our pantry.

Blogger Jorge said...

I think you need to hijack the teleprompter next year.

Or at least simulblogcast your thoughts on the bottom of the TV, your wisdom and freakin' hilarity scrolling across in bright white letters usually reserved for important news bulletins.

Blogger MereCat said...

This was far more fun than the Oscars. Glad you all came to the party! Thanks for having us over, Kris!

Jeeezus Christ you're popular ... 57 comments in the less-than-2-hours since the show ended ? Don't let it go to your head !!

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Crrrrraaaaaap! How did I forget to watch the Oscars?! Good thing you watched for me! :-)

Blogger 'Mazing Amy said...

hee hee Most Amusing Kris! And my BFF (an A) and myself (a DD) have been trying to work out that Locks of Love for boobs thing since HS. I'd freely give of myself to help my under endowed sisters. HEE HEE HEE

Blogger TrappedInColorado said...

You are an absolute riot! If I was ?? years younger I'd move to DC and date you for awhile then have you dump me for some other dude. But it's be fun!

Blogger sue said...

You got this right. 100%. The writeup was waaay more entertaining than watching the original broadcast! Thanks...

Blogger Wanderlusting said...

I think I am the only one who has a problem with the Juno screenaplay award. This is why:

A) She was a stripper/phone sex operator. Why couldn't she make money the honest way, like the rest of us, without taking off her clothes? Stripping is cheating.

B) This was the first script she EVER wrote and she wrote it on whim, to see if she could write screenplays. Hollywood should reward the writers who have worked long and hard to make it, not some stripper who thought writing a script would be good fun.

C) Juno's script is good but the dialouge is SO lingo-heavy and "hip" - who talks like that? It's not an "Oscarworthy" script, in my opinion. There are stronger pieces of writing out there.

D) Girls that look like her always want to kick my blonde ass.

On the plus side, at least she's not some bleached blonde bimbo, or an old man and at least she was initially discovered via her blog...too bad it seems we have to write about sex to get noticed.

And that's my rant.

Blogger M said...

I totally disagree. I love the fact that someone won who isn't an old, white male with a father who won an oscar 30 years ago.

a hot ex-stripper with a ton of tattoos? even better.

Blogger Canaan said...

1 - Did you see the Jenn Garner/Gary Busey incident? Holy crap, it was hilarious. She was cute as ever though. http://www.eonline.com/gossip/hum/index.jsp?#c33379f6-36f8-4d49-a88a-2bb630636fef

2 - I can't imagine going to work without makeup, let alone The. Oscars. Really??

3 - I've SOOO been those yelling fans. It was in NYC at the Tony's. I was on vacation w/ my mom and happened to walk by and see them setting up and we giddily decided to watch all the celebs. Hello? We live in Oklahoma. Seeing celebrities is big time!

Blogger takin chances said...

If you find that Locks-of-Love-type program, you email me STAT!!!

Blogger surviving revival said...

Christ, Kris! I sent you nice email, linked to you from my password protected blog, and then forgot to email you a link! Wow, excuse me....

Check your email for a blogger invite. ;)

Blogger lostinutah said...

They left Brad Renfro out of the death piece. I loved The Client, he made me bawl my eyes out.

Boogers.

Blogger Meg said...

I didn't watch the show because, well, I'm lame and was reading, but your post just had me laughing so hard I nearly spit out my wine. Nearly. I wouldn't actually waste any wine. And Nutella is the best stuff ever. EVER!

Blogger Kelly said...

FINALLY! something entertaining about that whole soiree: your live blogging rawks!

Blogger t2ed said...

What the hell was up with John Travolta's hair? Has he been replaced by an animatronic device from Disney?

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