October 22, 2007
Miss Matched
So, I have this friend who is making yet another foray into the world of online dating. This, of course, has forced myself and said friend to scrutinize at least 487 Match profiles in search of both the most likely to succeed in courting this friend and those that are ludicrous. And beyond the realm of anything remotely normal. Or desirable. Or of this Earth.

Like the guy who posed without his shirt on, fireside. I’m not sure if men know this, but this sort of photographic gesture is so very . . . Burt Reynolds. We don’t want to envision our men wearing only tube socks and we most definitely do not want to see his human hair dickie even before we know his real name. Truth be told, it isn’t any better to sneak the topless photos of yourself, even at the beach, into the array of shots you’ve attached to your profile. No matter what the boys told you down at the Auto Zone, no woman wants to see you flexing in front of your Jeep. Because we know you’ll inevitably end up looking more at yourself than looking at us. And we suspect that you might watch MTV Spring Break specials well into your 50s. And not really understand why they don’t give the Dateline predators a second chance.

I’m also going to give a heads up to the boys who don’t seem to know that women have seen cropped photos before. See, we recognize when you cut your ex-girlfriend out of a picture, or all of the 27 pictures you used for your profile. Because women worth their salt and their Lasik know that you don’t have blonde extensions on the right side of your head and that the perky breast eclipsing your arm probably doesn’t belong to your mother. Unless when that photo was taken you were bagging your mom. Which she of course is hoping you were not. And are not.

There also seems to be an overabundance of guys who don’t have the foggiest idea as to how one writes a paragraph about himself. In many cases, these men opt instead and not all that cleverly to pen something expressive along the lines of, “you’ll know when you meet me,” or “mere English words cannot capture the essence of my innards” or “let’s cut thru this and git her done.” I wish Match hired reviewers that wouldn’t only rule out objectionable profile content, but who would also offer suggestions to the guys who just can’t pull 250 words together. For example, a self-reference of “simple” just isn’t a mating selling point. Simple is great in recipes and vibrator instructions. In reference to humans, it’s pretty much synonymous with having to be fed dinner through a straw or not understanding just why sisters and brothers shouldn’t have children.

And men of Henderson, NV and Nacogdoches, TX, why wink at a woman who lives 1,000 miles away from you and your beloved motocross? Although it’s tempting to start up a late night IM relationship with you, talking in splendid detail about just how late “u” played nickel slots and debating the acceptability of the male denim vest, most women will likely want a man close enough to follow up in person on a wink or an email. Or a 3 am booty text. Because that, decent conversation and a clothed profile pic boasting a full set of teeth might be all she’s looking for at this point anyway.


39 Comments:

Blogger Ryane said...

hahahaha. My favorite were always the 'glamour shot' obvious poses. You know, leaning forward ever so slightly, hand on chin..with that stupid, come-hither smirk on their lips. Yeah, always a winner for me, those poses...;-) I don't even care so much if they do crop out ex-GF from photos...but when it's in every single photo? That kinda makes me wonder...

Blogger Peter DeWolf said...

A few things...

1) "Simple is great in recipes and vibrator instructions." <--- HA! Nice.

2) What is wrong with Burt Reynolds?????

3) Is your friend cute?

Blogger janet said...

If I hadn't seen some of these profiles myself, I might read this and think you were exaggerating. Having been my friend's online dating co-conspirator, however, I can say that you are 100% serious. It's crazy out there!

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

I wish Match hired reviewers that wouldn’t only rule out objectionable profile content, but who would also offer suggestions to the guys who just can’t pull 250 words together.

Hell, no! I want to know immediately if a guy can't write 250 words that I actually want to read. Then again, I'm not a very good person.

Blogger Sizzle said...

dating is painful enough but on line dating? well, at least it gives a lot of blog fodder.

Blogger Heather B. said...

I was talking about online dating with my roommate the other night and she was saying that it's not that bad etc and that she "made a lot of good friends". But seriously, it's things like this that still terrify me about the whole thing.

Also, I like my men with a full set of teeth and if he's sporting a closed smile then I'm not having any of it. Lord knows what could be behind there. Shudder

Blogger Miss Pickle said...

This sums up my feelings of online dating to a tee. I almost want to link to this on my profile to see if the guys actually learn anything from it!

Blogger dee said...

i have seen all of these men online as well. the picture sans shirt has always been my #1 pet peeve followed closely by the man with the cropped-out ex. bravo!

Blogger Valerie said...

Also, don't you love those guys who obviously took their profile photo from some obscure model's portfolio? Guys that good-looking don't use dating sites. They just don't.

Blogger Daniel said...

As a guy I make it a point to have at least 2 female friends review my profile before I let it loose on the internet... And I have at times lent those 2 fine women (in particular my roommate) to other friends when I see the unfortunate profiles that they show me..... Sadly a few don't listen (though they often incorporate a few suggestions and get rid of the worst pictures...).

My buddy actually had under the "For Fun" section this as his sum total answer: "Anything that makes me sweat"..... some people don't think....

Blogger Mamma said...

I think I should make a career for myself out of screening match profiles for women and providing guys with helpful suggestions.

I used to love to pour over the personals in the paper. I'm fascinated by what people will say about themselves.

There has to be a career here right?

Blogger hello sunshine! said...

HA! You hit the nail on the head about Nacogdoches men - well, except for the hot fratty guys at SFA, just in case your friend wants a long-distance boytoy!

Blogger flutter said...

I am so petrified of Burt Reynolds with a floating boob stuck to his arm and blonde extensions cleaving to one side of his man fur.

Jesus I am glad I am not single.

Blogger justjenny said...

One other important tip: beware of men wearing hats. They are most likely bald, and not bald in the hot I-shave-my-head-and-it-looks-sexy way, either.

Blogger punky said...

Match is the bastard love child of Deliverance and A Night at the Roxbury (with Satan and Celine Dion as godparents)

Blogger kerrianne.org said...

I love this post so much.

Blogger *~*Cece*~* said...

I'm so glad I'm married. I don't know where I'd start if I had to start over like this. Oy.

Blogger WildbillthePirate said...

As a short,fat,bald middle-aged man with glasses It falls to me to speak up! I see that we are in Everyones' Trash Pile! That's why I wouldn't do online dating for any reason! The fact that I'm a decent hardworking college educated man with a career who doesn't pose shirtless seems somehow pointless.

When,I wonder,did we all get this Shallow? A great many men seem to be hard-wired that way but not women. but perhaps I speak too soon. Frankly, anyone who would make judgements about who I am, based only on my appearance doesn't get me & never will.
I think that's why the so called Metrosexuals are on the rise. There are plenty of good-looking men without values out there who are only too happy to lie to get what they want. If I had a dollar for each of the men I've met with Drama spilling out all over their lives, I'd never need to work again! Apparantly, many women seem to want that, based on what I've seen. Theres at least 1-2 generations of single mother raised children who never knew their fathers and who seem Unprepared for anything beyond serial monogamy. If thats an improvement, I don't know how.

Blogger Michelle L. said...

Not to let the ladies off scott-free....if Match hires a profile coach, they also need to let the girls know that in an online dating profile, you shouldn't use the word "desperate", even if you are saying you are not.

You've gotta watch out for those Nacogdoches guys. I hear they are some real inbreds.


-Dale

Blogger Fumbling said...

that's so funny i just blogged on this topic too. ah match.com. the entertainment value it provides

http://fumblingthroughlife.blogspot.com/2007/10/match.html

Blogger kris said...

DALE! Holy hell - long time no comment!

Blogger Bridget Jones said...
Blogger Linda said...

You are brilliant-well done.

Blogger JordanBaker said...

My favorites are the ones who have only pictures wearing baseball caps or where the top of their head is "accidentally" cut off. Hm. Wonder what color his hair was.

Blogger BOSSY said...

Online dating can be a bit like Petfinder for Men.

Blogger sue said...

Nothing personal, but I am SO GLAD to be out of the dating scene (for over 29 years, actually). Yikes.

Blogger Janssen said...

Yikes, I'm FROM Henderson, NV and now live in Texas. I assure you, though, that I have a full set of teeth and all my pictures are fully-clothed.

Blogger Neal said...

Because nobody would respond to my 3am cross-continent booty text is why I stopped using match.com.

Have you ever tried looking at some of the girl profiles though...? There's not much there to get excited about either.

Blogger Shawn said...

No matter what the boys told you down at the Auto Zone, no woman wants to see you flexing in front of your Jeep.

Wait! What? I can't believe I listened to those turds down at Auto Zone. So, you're telling me I wasted my money buying that damn Jeep?

Great...

That's totally a 'If you guys know so much about women, how come you're here at like the Gas 'n' Sip on a Saturday night completely alone drinking beers with no women anywhere?' kind of reality check.

Holy mother this blog made me laugh my face off.
I just posted a blog about men and some of their masssive mistakes, and your cleverly followed up with the rest of my thoughts. Its a bit disciouraging, nonetheless hilarious.

Blogger t2ed said...

What happens in Nagodoches, stays in Nagodoches. Except for the spyroketes of course.

Blogger Jorge said...

You know, you've just put off some Rhodes Scholar in Nagodoches.

He was busy saving kittens from trees while reciting his newest poem in Iambic Pentameter.

Way to EXCLUDE, you bastage.

;)

Blogger Dave said...

So, so, so good.

I was going to say, "This post totally has to go into the A Pretty Good Year section," but then I noticed it's gone. What the crap, dude? Self-pimping is totally still in style.

Great post!

This makes me think of the country song, "So Much Cooler Online"!

The dating scene is a frightening one...I am presently helping a friend sift through it! Good grief there are some freaks out there! :)

Blogger Lawyer Mama said...

OK, now I'm going to have to hurriedly drive across town and kiss my husband's feet. Because online dating? Scares the crap out of me. Although it certainly seems to provide much info for our entertainment.

If your friend ever proceeds to actually dating any of these winners, you have to get some details! I have a friend who dated a guy into bondage, complete with a fully stocked room; a guy who liked to watch or have others watch; and one who still lived with his mom and called her during dinner. All compliments of Match.com.

Blogger Nicole said...

I'll admit, I tried online dating at match, for two months. I went out with two guys. Then I canceled my subscription. It's just too weird for me, like a job interview that might end with you naked.

Blogger CGHill said...

I suppose I should admit here that I couldn't pull together 250 words about myself to save my soul, let alone get myself an actual date. :)

Blogger hilary said...

Oh, I can SO relate!
Before I met the man who is now my husband (we met through Match, by the way!), I could not believe some of the responses I got to my profile! Like, what made these dudes think we would have anything in common? The guy who was really into dirt-biking, the guy who liked dragons, the uptight conservative Christian guy...I think they were just grasping.
The worst to me were the guys who answered "any" to what they were looking for in a woman: hair color, body type, religion, politics...really, you don't care? I found that hard to believe.
And I agree with mysterygirl..."I want to know immediately if a guy can't write 250 words that I actually want to read."

(Sorry for the long comment! It just struck a chord, I guess...Love your blog!)

Post a Comment

<< Home

footer