Miss Matched

So, I have this friend who is making yet another foray into the world of online dating. This, of course, has forced myself and said friend to scrutinize at least 487 Match profiles in search of both the most likely to succeed in courting this friend and those that are ludicrous. And beyond the realm of anything remotely normal. Or desirable. Or of this Earth.

Like the guy who posed without his shirt on, fireside. I’m not sure if men know this, but this sort of photographic gesture is so very . . . Burt Reynolds. We don’t want to envision our men wearing only tube socks and we most definitely do not want to see his human hair dickie even before we know his real name. Truth be told, it isn’t any better to sneak the topless photos of yourself, even at the beach, into the array of shots you’ve attached to your profile. No matter what the boys told you down at the Auto Zone, no woman wants to see you flexing in front of your Jeep. Because we know you’ll inevitably end up looking more at yourself than looking at us. And we suspect that you might watch MTV Spring Break specials well into your 50s. And not really understand why they don’t give the Dateline predators a second chance.

I’m also going to give a heads up to the boys who don’t seem to know that women have seen cropped photos before. See, we recognize when you cut your ex-girlfriend out of a picture, or all of the 27 pictures you used for your profile. Because women worth their salt and their Lasik know that you don’t have blonde extensions on the right side of your head and that the perky breast eclipsing your arm probably doesn’t belong to your mother. Unless when that photo was taken you were bagging your mom. Which she of course is hoping you were not. And are not.

There also seems to be an overabundance of guys who don’t have the foggiest idea as to how one writes a paragraph about himself. In many cases, these men opt instead and not all that cleverly to pen something expressive along the lines of, “you’ll know when you meet me,” or “mere English words cannot capture the essence of my innards” or “let’s cut thru this and git her done.” I wish Match hired reviewers that wouldn’t only rule out objectionable profile content, but who would also offer suggestions to the guys who just can’t pull 250 words together. For example, a self-reference of “simple” just isn’t a mating selling point. Simple is great in recipes and vibrator instructions. In reference to humans, it’s pretty much synonymous with having to be fed dinner through a straw or not understanding just why sisters and brothers shouldn’t have children.

And men of Henderson, NV and Nacogdoches, TX, why wink at a woman who lives 1,000 miles away from you and your beloved motocross? Although it’s tempting to start up a late night IM relationship with you, talking in splendid detail about just how late “u” played nickel slots and debating the acceptability of the male denim vest, most women will likely want a man close enough to follow up in person on a wink or an email. Or a 3 am booty text. Because that, decent conversation and a clothed profile pic boasting a full set of teeth might be all she’s looking for at this point anyway.