October 16, 2007
Oh, Senator Craig
Oh, Senator Craig. Matt Lauer is being so nice to you, so gentle with his words, just as he did with the glib Mr. Cruise, but let’s be honest. You’re that guy.

For me to believe that you didn’t do this, I also have to believe that every guy who didn’t call and later explained it with an “I dropped my cell in the toilet” or “I spent the night in the ER with one ruptured testicle after I caught it in the oven baking brownies for the homeless” really did so. I haven’t believed them since the 8th grade. And neither has your wife. You know, the woman you hid your arrest from.

For me to believe that a local Minneapolis cop set you up for this, somehow mistook your foot tapping and wedding-ring laden jazz hands for something other than an invitation to the naughty side, I’d have to buy a Cafepress “OJ was Framed!” junior ringer tee, and I’m quite sure my money would be better spent on your children’s therapy.

Sir, for me to believe that you actually don’t remember employing a well-established, synchronized series of movements a la Dancing with the Boys, I’d also have to believe that Clinton didn’t remember that Cigar in the Conservatory with Colonel Lewinski. Please don’t insult our collective intelligence. We Americans are a bright people, even if some of us did buy into the Bush sale items that were those elusive weapons of mass destruction. And “I don’t recall?” I don’t recall who worked as the puppeteer for Alf. Or where I was for Arbor Day 1974. This, Senator Craig? Like our first yeast infection, this we’d all recall.

You see, as hard as it may be for you to believe, 10 out of 10 of us have indeed used a public bathroom, and in the vast majority of cases we weren’t catchers calling fastballs to the pitchers next to us. If my foot ever were to slip into a neighboring potty area, which would take quite an extension of my squatty legs and yours, it would be followed with an “excuse me” or an “I’m sorry” or at the very least “my apologies, I’m not attempting to have the oral sexuals with you before my evening shuttle to National Airport,” things I’m pretty sure were covered in your freshman Hill manual.

I don’t know how to guide an airplane in for safe landing. I don’t know how to tell someone I’m angry using American sign language. And I certainly don’t have the foggiest as to how I might ask a stranger to have sex with me in a neighboring bathroom stall using just my feet and hands. Seems you did.

Land any planes lately, Mr. Craig?


31 Comments:

Blogger Cheryl said...
Blogger Mamma said...

I get so annoyed with these folks who feel they need deny others certain rights and then want to practice the very acts they pretend to be repulsed by. If people could just accept differences in others, this whole episode would have never had to happen.

Stepping off my soap box now to go find a drink.

Blogger Alison said...

I wish I had a really witty comment. Instead I'll just agree with you.

Blogger Tracy Kaply said...

Heh heh. Dude.

Blogger JordanBaker said...

"oral sexuals" is my new favorite phrase ever.

Blogger inowpronounceyou said...

A friggin' men.

Blogger jessabean said...

Ditto JordanBaker! (Who, by the way, has a great name. Love that book.)

I'm going to try and use that phrase in a sentence today.

Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

Oh how I lurv thee Ms. Say-it-like-it-is-Likey. Lurv, lurv, LURV.

That interview creeped me out. Could it have been anymore staged to make them look like Grandpa & Grandma Normal. This is one of those times when I just want to remove the wool from Grandma's eyes and say HE'S SO GAY (and not in a funny ha ha gay kind of way).

Blogger Eric said...

Paul Fusco was the puppeteer of ALF. And if you believe I obtained that information without the without the aid of Google and/or Wikipedia than you probably believe that Mr. Craig just likes to spread eagle when he poops.

Blogger Mia said...

Yeah.. what the hell.. do they make an instruction book with little pictures of the "correct" hand signals so the gay guys know what to do to meet up with a bathroom buddy??

fascinating for us straight people that believe in the age old concept of at least one date before sex. ::sigh::

Blogger Rothko said...

Great. Guess I'll never be able to use that ruptured testicle/brownie-baking excuse again. Thanks a lot.

Blogger Ar-Jew-Tino said...

Brilliant.

Blogger T.J. said...

You know, I'm all for that "stand by your man" mentality. But don't stand by your man while he's getting diddled in the men's bathroom and then lied to you about the whole damn thing. I agree with you too. Big time.

Blogger BOSSY said...

Bossy was going to watch this but decided Matt Lauer is too annoying which would distract Bossy from focusing all her hate on Craig.

Blogger kristin b said...

that's just fantastic.

Blogger gorillabuns said...

so, this is why most the men in my life never called.

Blogger Ryane said...

hahahaha. I love this.

Blogger Freewheel said...

You truly have a gift. How do you come up with phrases like this:

"wedding-ring laden jazz hands"

Blogger Freewheel said...

BTW, could you possibly having been walking in the vicinity of 16th & I this morning?

If so, please know that I would have stopped to say hello but I thought there was about an 85% chance that the woman was not a blogger celebrity but instead an innocent pedestrian who would be freaked out by the guy on the bike calling "MamaLikey! MamaLikey!" in her direction.

Blogger t2ed said...

I heard that Craiggers is unable to step down from his Senate post because his stance is so wide.

Blogger kris said...

Aw, Freewheel! Nope, I was all about driving this morning. Have a bad head cold. Bah.

Tonight I will be in the vicinity of I and something else - maybe 8th? so if you think you see me, go ahead and jump on my back.

Blogger WildbillthePirate said...

I'd like to take his position, just to be contrary- but I haven't a clue as to what it is! Perhaps what this country needs is more unemployed politicians!

Blogger Jorge said...

Wow.
An airport.

Because there is NEVER security in airports.

Blogger Freewheel said...

I'm so glad I didn't call out to your doppelganger. It might have really wigged her out.

Hope you're feeling better.

Blogger Chris said...

YES!!!

That is all of the witty commentary I have left

Blogger Kim said...

Why do you hate us Idahoans so much?

Blogger Jen M. said...

I hated that guy when I lived in Idaho and think he's a sorry ass now.

Great post.

Blogger Kelly said...

Oh Mama!

It's with a swivel, and poke and a twirl that you make that request!

Blogger nursevl said...

LOL!!
That is EXACTLY how I feel about this incident.
"OOPs, did I say guilty? I meant INNOCENT. Pardon me. Are you doing anything later officer?"

Blogger Gunfighter said...

Well said!

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