October 10, 2007
Isn't she just the cutest?
I have a case of blogstipation so severe that it’s driven my damn hives away. Nothing to write, no appealing situations involving me falling down or in love while intoxicated (that I recall). Nothing interesting is happening with the cats, other than me forgetting to give them their second dose of deworming meds, which is neither funny nor newsworthy, save the distinct possibility that one freakish lurker will probably call DC Feline Services on me now. At least then I’d have something to write about.

I could tell you how, while lounging on my couch on Columbus Day and watching Biography, I first found out at the seasoned age of 33 that Katharine and Audrey Hepburn were not sisters, but retelling this evidence of my stupidity in great detail only hurts this tender ego. I also thought about reposting an old entry and waiting to see if any of you noticed, but all of the ones I randomly chose were about old relationships, and I figured my spinster status would clue you into my feeble attempt at trickery.

This leaves me wishing I could rent a kid. I know that lots of you will balk at this, but children produce great blog fodder, and great marketable blog fodder at that. They are reliable in their curiosity, in their uncanny ability to say those darndest things, in their need to cut their own bangs and then lie to you about it. I’d probably rent an unattractive child, not a terribly ugly one, but at least one who’s peculiar in the face, and one with some interesting yet simultaneously revolting ability like being able to throw up Doritos on his or her own command. It would also have to be able to talk, even caveman-like, so I could include accounts of our witty interactions in supermarkets and at playdates. Bonus points if the child is old enough to speak but not yet understanding of social graces. “Are you mommy’s fat friend?” Ah, the beauty of it. You’d never hear anything so gorgeous out of Cricket.

It would also be preferable if my tiny one unwittingly kept nearly killing one of the cats, maybe by shutting it in the refrigerator or the dryer. Writing about this would enable me to join my love of humor (“Oh yes little Joe did!” accompanied by laugh track) and crime (“Yes, I’m pretty sure it is predictive of future violent crimes against persons.”) Or maybe we’d find out that my hives were a more serious allergy than once thought, and that I was allergic to my own child. Seriously, the possibilities are almost endless.

A baby perched on mama’s hip at a bar while she steals all but one of the olives from the bartender’s stash isn’t really funny or endearing, I don’t think, so I probably would have to return the child before the weekend. Then again, someone might snap a great picture of that little munchkin with a neon Bud Lite sign just above her head. I’m betting I could squeeze at least two posts out of that one.


28 Comments:

Blogger Keith said...

I've got a nice selection to choose from. You can rent a sassy 10 year old girl or an 8 year old sports star with glasses. I also have a giant six year old in the back of the store with almost all his baby teeth! That model can do simple math and also takes out the trash. Our most popular model is a 4 year old who loves Star Wars and kittens or you can of course, rent the year old twins who make for a nice looking matched pair at any event - church social, bar horseshoe tournament or work functions. Call me! All children are 20% off this month, but remember Halloween is our busy season here at Rent-A-Kid.

Blogger MappyB said...

I know what you mean - I was thinking the same thing yesterday while purusing all the 'popular' blogs. I need a kid so I can be a fierce mommy blogger!

Blogger Kelly said...

Oh Mama!

Blogstipation... Your clever wit will ensure nay a stipation be seen again. (and also maybe fiber.)

Your quibs of late are entirely too funny and require not events to take place for them to be written.

(I'm and ESL student, please give me breathing room.)

Keep on keepin' on, dawling.

(Oh, and I added you as a friend/contact on Flickr!)

Blogger Randy said...

California parents have the bar vs. kids dilemma nailed. I was at a popular establishment last Saturday night where I witnessed a table of adults next to one with a bunch of little kids huddled around a DVD player. So much cheaper than a babysitter.

Blogger Skyzi said...

Don't forget the poop and the barf and the lack of sleep. I hear some people find that sort thing funny.

Blogger Jen M. said...

Next time I fly in to DC I am bringing my four kids. You can watch them while I'm in meetings. But you really don't need them, even your "I have nothing to say" post is funny. You're a great writer!

Blogger Mamma said...

We're not supposed to take the kids to the bar?

But he only drank juice and the NCAA Tournament was on.

Blogger M@ said...

Ahhhh, yes, the far more marketable mommy bloggers....

Blogger Gwen said...

No! No to mommyblogging! Not from my Kris, who I depend on to keep me nostalgic about my long gone days of Cheez Its for breakfast and hours lounging on the couch, watching something without high pitched, squealy voices in it.

Oh, and if Keith's offers don't inspire you, I've got a bobble-headed version with some wicked head scars who knows how to swear and have tantrums when not given seconds on her margarita.

Blogger Michelle L. said...

Kid rental could produce some good blogs, although I have yet to write about the shenanigans my niece and nephew got up to the last time they were here including:

1. my nephew called me into the bathroom to take a look at his pee pee to tell him if it was "normal."

2. my niece requesting that I address the issue that although Uncle Jeremy and I are not married we sleep in the same room.

3. my nephew finding a box of hair dye and before I was alerted to the "it's too quiet up there" alarm, managed to apply a brown patch to the top of his blonde head. I briefly considered shaving his head to disguise my lack as an aunt, thinking giving his child a bad haircut would irk my brother less than the thought that I had paid so little attention to him that he had managed to find, mix, and apply hair dye to his head before I realized he had left the room.

Blogger t2ed said...

I don't think you need to rent a kid. You can usually just take one from an unattended shopping cart at the grocery store.

Pick the loudest one. No one will ask for him or her back for at least a weekend.

Blogger Freewheel said...

You can change the theme of your blog, just like that?

Why didn't anyone tell me that!

Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

Oh sweetness (cough - I just bent down and sucked a muffin crumb out of my keyboard - wrong pipe), this is merely the calm before the storm. And by storm I mean my VISIT (insert raucous cheering here). Listen my lady friend, you'll have plenty to write about once I'm done with you. And you know all of your male readers are reading 'done with you' as a raunchy lesbian tryst.

Blogger Jürgen Nation said...

I hope your comments section dies in a fire for eating my comment.

Blogger Maliavale said...

I love you anyway.

Blogger Chris said...

You can totally borrow one of my kids. The girl child is particularly great right now for pointing out whatever she thinks is wrong with everyone out in public. And she colors on her face with magic markers and calls it make-up.

Blogger canape said...

You mean people get tired of reading about our pets? Our furkids? Our precious babies?

But I just bought new beds, and someone got a bath today, and oh how funny, the big one is barking at absolutely nothing in the backyard again.

You know you want to hear about my guinea pig.

Blogger WildbillthePirate said...

I'm Available for Rent: I won't try to kill any of your cats ('tho I might try to emulate them)I won't Shout "I POOP MYSELF!" unless were being robbed, I will rub the cream into the hives & then hand you another glass, and while I have the abitily to not embarass you in public, I still have my Guy Faulkes Costume (complete with cape) which might come in handy...

Blogger Kim said...

is it wrong that i actually thought of having a kid so that you could rent it so that I would have extra money to drink more?

i didn't think so.

Blogger Heather B. said...

I received an email yesterday about some xbox party where the invite explicitly pointed out that they wanted moms who write about family life only to be invited. I seriously contemplated having a kid because I would like an invite to an xbox party or a wii party or something.

But no, I get no love. Anyway, I shall stop with the bitterness. I heart you.

Blogger kate.d. said...

my boyfriend and i joke that we should have a kid in order to procure a personal assistant at no cost. we have hypothesized this poor unfortunate soul as silas - and though he is only 3 or 4 years old (can't really get 'em working before then - fine motor skills too lacking), he wears a shirt and tie every day.

he carries a clipboard.

he says things like "i'm sorry, i just can't get to this - i'm really under the gun right now!"

he sets up little plastic furniture in our living room, creating a kid sized waiting area that our adult "associates" have to sit in before we meet with them.

the possibilites, they are endless...

Blogger Lulu said...

Interesting case of blogstipation. Seems more like blogstarrhea to me! In either case, it suits you well. But I hope that you get rid of it really soon.

Blogger Mia said...

Hey, if you've run out of topics, come on over to my house.. I've got plenty. You can do the witty blogging while I beat everything in range with a big stick. Good thing I live alone, but I fear for the pets.

k?

Blogger Kera said...

Children aren't objects or "its", they are humans.

It's amazing how dettached from reality some people can be.

Blogger sue said...

Been there, done that. I would rather read about your pet. ;)

Blogger Della said...

Glad to hear I have a sitter in DC that will pay me to take care of my grandkid when I vacation on the East Coast! You are killing me!!!

Blogger Jorge said...

Stay away from little J.

:)

Aw, I'm just kidding.

Just don't take her to the bar...

...


...yet.

Blogger Charles in HK said...

Katharine and Audrey aren't sisters?

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