September 5, 2007
parasites
The school nurse found my head lice in the 1st grade. Let me clarify - it was our very collective head lice - it had somehow passed around our classroom faster than did the rumor that Todd D. had piddled his grey sweatpants. My mother was mortified. After all, only dirty hippies and children of women who didn't wear pantyhose got head lice. The bugs clearly had come courtesy of a saucy six-year-old head orge, young brunettes rubbing up against underage towheads in the heat of a blazing London sun. Don't I wish.

She whisked me home on diagnosis night and hosed me down in the tub, dousing my hair with some sterile-smelling dark liquid before putting me to bed for the night. She made sure that I rested my head on one of those towels from the very back of the linen closet. I was told to keep it hush hush, a good call on her part, given the fact that nothing would bring a six-year-old more glee than bragging to an adult dinner party that she had caught real, live bugs IN HER HEAD. We never spoke of my affliction again.

About a week ago, while clearly bored and lacking sufficient Pinot, I was studying the cats' litter box when I noticed something strange. A noodle, perhaps. A perfectly spiraled, two-inch long whirl of spaghetti, wrapped delicately around cat stool like proscuitto on melon. I delicately removed the specimen from its resting place and put it in one of my corner store bags. I of course then promptly returned to watching the Hills while downing a bag of Baked Doritos.

So today when leaving for the vet's office, it struck me that there was a bag of cat feces I'd been storing next to my Queen Anne lingerie chest. Hmmm, I thought. Maybe I should take the offensive stool noodle to the vet? By this time, it had hardened and shriveled up like my soul, so I immersed it in the full bathroom sink to see if I could plump it up. Because of course, Kris, why wouldn't that thing in your cat's feces turn out to be a sea monkey? I ultimately took its crisp self to the vet in a glass votive candleholder taken from the very back of my closet, proudly sealing my creation with clear packing tape. Because that's what Florence Henderson would have done, should she have found an invertebrate in Jan's number 2.

And it occurred to me as Cricket threw up in the vet parking lot that all of the above really made me a mother - a true, loving, neurotic mom. But that unlike my own, who likely quilled it in her journal and then immediately threw the parchment into the fire, I wanted nothing more, when they told me the cats had dirty bird worms, and that I HAD BROUGHT THEM INTO THE HOUSE WHILE OBVIOUSLY NOT WEARING PANTYHOSE, than to abandon Cricket in the car and scream to the Internets that it was so. And I was also happy for the 6,098th time that I wasn't a real-life human mom, given that it probably would have been hard to explain a child locked up in the Sentra.


31 Comments:

Blogger JordanBaker said...

Florence Henderson didn't give a damn about Jan's #2. If Marcia or Cindy had had worms, though . . .

Blogger A Unique Alias said...

"young brunettes rubbing up against underage towheads"

I misread that last word and got really, really confused.

Blogger JacksGinger said...

WOO! I can comment again! What was I going to say? Ugh, head lice. I also got it in the 1st grade (Catholic school... dirty hippies, same thing) and remember still that terrible metal comb that my mother used to comb out everything.

I hope I never find any forms of pasta in my kitty's stool, but I hope I prove to be as good a mother as you are.

-El

Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

A munchkin'. I just fucking snarfed an entire munchkin' while reading this post. You kill me! And for the record, this nose-blow incident will not change my morning routine. The munchkin's and the Likey stay in the picture!

Blogger sween said...

Um. I'm off pasta now.

And pantyhose.

[Shudders.]

Oddly though, I have a hankering for prosciutto...

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

Damn. Cats are all about the tough breaks this season. I hope that Cricket's recovery is speedy. (Notice how I'm totally not making fun of you for having lice in first grade)

Blogger Mamma said...

Oh the embarrasment! I definitely felt like I was the bad dog mom when she got worms as a puppy.

Teaches you for not wearing pantyhose! Hussy!

PS--When are you going to pretend to stalk me again? I'm missing my stalker.

Blogger Keith said...

I think it was from the walk of shame the other day.

Blogger Sue said...

Interestingly enough, out of four children we lucked out and when the lice alarms went out all over school (every friggin' year, ya know) we never ended up having them. (Knock on wood.)

Also, out of all the many, many, many (no, this is not exaggerated) critters we've had over the years have we ever had worms. (Knock on wood. Again.)

Still and all... yes. You are truly a mom. A critter mom, but in my book that definately counts.

Blogger Peter DeWolf said...

Did you actually try to re-hydrate it?

For real?

Blogger Tracy Kaply said...

Dude, that's just wrong, and funny, and totally something I would do. Awesome.

Blogger Kathryn said...

um, I photo-documented the canine lice removal process and then posted it so your treatment of said worm is COMPLETELY normal as far as pet parenthood goes

but did you seriously bring them in as a result of no panthose?? this worries me ...

Blogger Skyzi said...

This is priceless!

I'm glad I'm not the only one saving bathroom products. I have had my daughters piss in a home crafted container in my fridge for about two weeks now(I was supposed to take it to the doctor). Since it's already been "contaminated" (really thinking this whole thing through is kind of grossing me out) I don't know why I havn't thrown it out??

You never know when you will need a clean pee sample, right?!?!

Kidding....or am I?

Blogger *~*Cece*~* said...

I'm a mom, it takes a lot to gross me out now.

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

Is it weird that my favorite part of this whole story was that you didn't write Todd D's last name to protect him from the humiliation of having the internets find out that he piddled his grey sweatpants?

Blogger WanderingGirl said...

Once again, we have things in common. Unfortunately, I stored cat poo in the fridge and found it only when I was moving.

I have nothing to say other than this was a very disturbing post to read :P

Blogger Deana said...

A glass votive candleholder and packing tape? Lord woman, don't you own any ziplock bags? :)

Blogger Jorge said...

Everyone knows that the proper medical term is Dirty, Dirty Bird Worms.

Is it wrong when I read how it was shriveled up like your soul?

:)

Blogger Jorge said...

And was it wrong when I forgot to insert the words "that I laughed" between "wrong" and "when"?

Blogger Kelly said...

Jorge, it's not wrong at all.

Dirty bird worms? Double-ewe tee eff is that, m'am?

(My mom combed our lice into aluminum foil splayed out on the floor. I never looked at tin foil the same after that.)

Blogger Jen M. said...

Oh my GOD this is funny. You are hilarious. Nothing else to say - just keep at it.

Blogger dee said...

how are you sure of which cat's poo contained the offender?

Blogger Lawyer Mama said...

It's no biggy. If I leave my kids locked in the car I just crack a window.

(You totally know I'm joking, right?)

Blogger egan said...

So it really was just pasta? I remember the sight of worms in our dogs poops. Needless to say we weren't so great with pets. Don't kid yourself, you'd make a great mom.

Blogger Alison said...

Worms, heh. My kids, my HUMAN OFFSPRING, have had worms more than once. In France, where they were born and have been raised, it's no biggie. Lice are a bigger concern.

So, you know, when the cat had worms, it took me four months to get him to the vet.

Wow, that was all probably TMI.

Blogger The Middle Child said...

You are a great 'mom'~ keep up the good work.

When I was in grade school I had lice. It was so bad (because my hair was so thick making it impossible to get all the nits out) that my doctor wanted to shave my head bald. My parents wouldn't let him and thus began the probably four hour task of going through my hair with a fine tooth comb. Bah, bad memories!

Blogger M@ said...

My mother never wore pantyhose and we once got pulled out of school because our mosquito bites looked like chicken pox.

Years later we discovered the joys of bug repellant and sunscreen--but not pantyhose.

I don't know any "professional woman" that wears pantyhose these days. I think those went out w/ shoulder pads.

Blogger justjenny said...

I wear pantyhose! I am the only person in my office that does, but they cover up the mosquito bites and bruises from hiking, as I am also the only woman in the office that has those.

Blogger bandick said...

I recently heard a story on NPR about how lice are making a comeback and that they LOVE them some clean hair. I knew there was a reason to be a dirty bird worm and not shampoo everyday!

Blogger nursevl said...

Since I usually just lurk, I am overcoming my shyness to insert a poignant story of a cat, a white bedspread, and a family coming home from Christmas eve mass to find a still-writhing pile of demons in a pile of fresh cat-regurg on my white lace bedspread. Merry F**king Christmas.
Worms/Lice happen.
Later, it's always funny.

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