Last night was date number 4. The Kris of yesteryear would have been picking out china patterns at this point in the relationship, but her current counterpart opted instead for a night of Mexican food and good conversation and ruby red sangria, one of God's true nectars. I think it goes without saying that Eve knew there was a greater purpose for that apple when she yanked it from the tree.
Two drinks and a free tequila shot turned into staying out a little later, lounging on a bar couch and talking about ourselves and pretty much everyone else in the room. For some reason that I currently can't recall, the conversation turned to family.
"What about your grandparents?" he asked.
"Which ones?" I questioned back. "The ones on the left?"
He blinked hard.
For there were no grandparents to my left or my right. Because given that all four are long deceased, bringing them on my date would have been totally inappropriate and downright creepy, much like those jokes I always make about current uses for Bug's now defunct fourth leg. In my head, left meant the left side of something, which still remains unclear. I knew it to mean paternal, just like I know turning the air down means making it warmer, but only to me, but how in Hades was he supposed to know that?
He didn't run, at least not at first, and then it was only under the guise of having to use the restroom. I joke. But I think he'll probably pause again when he hears me speak of "warshing" the dishes. And how "whack" things are. And how I have a monkey's uterus.
At least there was no talk of china patterns.
Two drinks and a free tequila shot turned into staying out a little later, lounging on a bar couch and talking about ourselves and pretty much everyone else in the room. For some reason that I currently can't recall, the conversation turned to family.
"What about your grandparents?" he asked.
"Which ones?" I questioned back. "The ones on the left?"
He blinked hard.
For there were no grandparents to my left or my right. Because given that all four are long deceased, bringing them on my date would have been totally inappropriate and downright creepy, much like those jokes I always make about current uses for Bug's now defunct fourth leg. In my head, left meant the left side of something, which still remains unclear. I knew it to mean paternal, just like I know turning the air down means making it warmer, but only to me, but how in Hades was he supposed to know that?
He didn't run, at least not at first, and then it was only under the guise of having to use the restroom. I joke. But I think he'll probably pause again when he hears me speak of "warshing" the dishes. And how "whack" things are. And how I have a monkey's uterus.
At least there was no talk of china patterns.
30 Comments:
He'll learn. Sounds like he's sticking in there, anyway... that's a good thing!
He sounds charming. He really does.
I love it when the real bits of me slip out.
I actually somehow convinced my boyfriend, when we were first dating, that I was graceful.
Now I splatter food all over me pretty much every time we eat and have forgotten how to walk and hold coffee at the same time.
Dude, those who do not "warsh" are obviously heathens. And if he can't see that all those things are charming, then , then...well, he needs a tit punching.
Good lord woman, you're STILL single?! My mom warshes stuff all the time. I don't know what it means.
4? that's great... just looking for 2 myself... been difficult to come by recently. which is riciculous, really, because I'm nearly as fabulous as you.
Is it weird that I knew you meant the paternal grandparents when you said "left"?
I also say turn down the air to make it warmer.
Nice to know I am not alone in my quirkiness.
Shoot! If doesn't know what you mean, you can always give me another chance. I SWEAR I'll put out this time.
these quirks are what make you you. loveable you. :)
I knew you meant paternal by left too. I wonder why? Is the paternal side usually on the left on a family tree?
My dear, there's absolutely nothing wrong with having a monkey's uterus.
He'll figure that out soon enough.
How excited am I that you are in "like"? More than I should be, that's for sure.
im sure he appreciates your witty-ness. he better!
I lost my train of thought after the words "ruby red sangria." :)
It makes complete sense to me. Left, like on the family tree. DUH.
Left is so clearly paternal. We all think so1 See? We're the normal ones, really. ;-)
FREE TEQUILA.
Has no one picked up that clue? Free, but from whom?
Ok, I didn't get the left thing, but I totally say turning the air down means making it warmer. You're making there be less air, thus warmer...
I say blame the sangria.
He's going to think you are taking your dead grandparents out on dates with you.
I think I just came up with a fabulous movie idea...
You should so already have your china pattern picked. Anyone who says "warsh" should have picked it out years ago. Formal, informal, and of course the Christmas pattern (which I refer to as the "winter dishes).
Who cares about the guy? Get on with the dishes.
This sounds so great! I know I don't know you, but I'm really excited for you! :)
I'm coming in two weeks. At which time, I will Patty Hearst your ass and drag you to Sonoma where you WILL enjoy a cheese plate with me and we will have a discussion.
That is all.
When are you bringing him to Canada?
You know, for the ultimate stress test?
Nothing will prove true love faster than a Canadian gauntlet-style stress test, chock full of backbacon and far too much flexing.
I will say that I'm happy that the old Kris (charming as she can be) has taken a back seat, and the neo-Krissical is in the driver's bucket seat.
Aw yeah.
Good times ahead.
Bumpy road?
Prolly.
But in a good way.
HAHAHAHA!
J
Interestingly, I immediately assumed paternal when you said "on the left," because when I do genealogy stuff longhand, I always put the father on the left.
In every software program I've seen, though, it's the opposite.
No mention of the all-important 3rd date...hmmm I should hope you already have the China you want and I agree that if he can't see the more fabuluous parts of you then a good tit-punching is in order.
I was about to say how I think of AC the same way, but then I realized no, turning it down=putting the temp down. But actually, most people think I'm crazy when I say it that way so maybe we're just friends with the wrong people.
I love those confused blank stares. The kind that I give back to, um, most people. Like, I think there's medication for such behavior.
BUT (note it's a big but, and I'm not referring to mine), you my dear are perfection with a fucking cherry on top. i wanna lick ya. Just knock him around a little and he'll be just fine.
Please tell me you have considered using the 4th leg as a door stop. Because that's totally what I would do with it. Seriously.
Oh, I can sympathize...I warsh the dishes, too. Normally I can hide my midwesterness, but warsh will give me away every time.
Turning the air down obviously means making it warmer. No one else ever understands me when I say it...
Yer humo(u)r is vunderful.
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