January 15, 2007
The Almost-Live Simulblogging of Tonight's Golden Globes
Note to awards purists, there will be no coverage of those awards given to minor stars or major people unknown to me. Or any lifetime achievement of anything award. Or anything with which Roberto Benigni may even REMOTELY be associated.

Let's get started.

Most Inappropriate Pre-Game Comment
Seacrest Out to an unflappable Meredith Grey: Something about it being "cold" and her wearing a "white" dress, referring to her breasts as a 7th-grade boy might with the (thankful and) notable absence of any Tune In Tokyo action.

Is it Me or Does Sharon Stone Look Like
she should now speak with Phyllis Diller's voice?

Beyonce, I Seriously Love You, but What's With
the Body Vaseline?

Jeremy, Mama Is Here to Comfort You
I can't wait to become Mrs. Jeremy Piven. Kris Piven. Although it sounds like a new Lays product . . . "Now, NEW tangier and even MORE UNBEARABLE Salt and Vinegar Krispivens! Coming to a Lunchables near you!"

Note to Warren Beatty
Dick Clark called. Even he thinks you're looking a tad waxy.

To Most of the Women Nominated for the Best Supporting Performance in a) a TV Movie or b) the Completion of a People Crossword
Thanks for listening to your mothers and NOT clapping when your own names are called. Tres gauche.

I Should Dispose of the Lot of You Right Now
Given that Bill Paxton has been nominated for something, which in my opinion (which I'm pretty sure isn't libel according to Penal Code 867-5309) now demotes this to the level of the Nickelodeon Awards, but I won't. Because Hugh Laurie is speaking and sex dreams with an Englishman are now assured for at least another fortnight.

I Should Dispose of the Lot of You Right Now Part II
Some obscure acceptance speech reference was just made to Randy Newman, which usually means a painful snippet WITH INEXPLICABLE ARCHAIC VIDEO of "Short People", which makes the baby Jesus and this blogger weep openly.

Someone just played Vogue as screen legend Meryl Streep accepted her award.
Clearly an intern. Serrrrrrrriously boys. What's next? The Divinyls for Dwight Schrute?

My plan to drink every time someone mentions cruelly-named Tommy Schlamme isn't going all that well this year. Poor planning.

Within 10 seconds I saw a shot of one-hit wonders/nominees Marky Mark, Eddie Murphy, and Bananarama.
That may or may not be libel.

DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN! or . . . Cameron Diaz clearly stole Suri Cruise's birth toupee for the event. I prefer it on Cameron, despite her Bjork dress sans swan, so at least that's good news.

This just in . . .
Zach Braff will be playing the role of the American farmer in aforementioned Englishman sex dream.

I'm pretty sure we can say one thing this evening about the generally amazing Mr. Clint Eastwood:
He got it at Ross.

You Go, America.
But why are all the waify, naturally-beautiful and incessantly perky women crying about a show based on this ugly duckling premise? This one's for us, Desperate Housewives. Back. off.

Warren Beatty is up for that loooong award + speech + fogie cryfest.
Bathroom break + cigarette. Hold please.

Off topic:
Kudos to my friend Kimmay for an extraordinary performance in her job talk this week in a state that likely serves roadside bawwwled peanuts. Atta girl.

It's one way or the other. Die the hair black or these babies white. I'm just saying.

-- I'm loving that Salma wore a toga. How very Belushi.
-- Are we sure these awards weren't sponsored by the BBC?
-- Brava to SJP for showing up to an awards ceremony held long after her most recent 15 minutes had passed.
-- Pllllleeeeeeeeeeease tell me someone else thought they meant the Science Guy everytime Bill Nighy was mentioned . . .
-- Tim Allen = possible stand-in presenter for an ill Edward James Olmos? Sinbad? Bananarama?
-- Brad Pitt has perfected the Paula Abdul clap. Nice, MC Skat Cat.

Arnold, Thank You for That.
Because Babble was exactly what I was thinking. With the exception of a few stumbles, and Angelina caressing Brad's neckline, and Borat actually stepping out of character for 2.4 seconds, NOTHING was exciting tonight. Gone is the true glamour and anticipation and realization of these awards shows. This is nothing new, so I'm not exactly sure why I continue to watch. I persist just as I'm hopeful for a month of continually clear skin and the return of the jello mold, I guess.

Until next time, honorably yours and on painkillers after that "We'll be bahhhk" comment,
Mrs. Krispiven

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Blogger Brookelina said...

Ryan Seacrest is a dipshit of biblical proportions.

Blogger zhengqun1234 said...

Come quickly Many sexy girlin you,Make friends with the most beautiful girl

Anonymous whoorl said...

kris! you are my globes touchstone...even though i live 50 miles from the actual event, i have to wait until 8 PT for it to air. DAMMIT!

Blogger Jess Riley said...

Excellent analysis. And when did Jeremy Piven grow so attractive? Remember his cameo in Singles? I love his barely discernible speech impediment.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Go America! I love that show. And her. How beautiful is she?

Is it bad that I love those Lexus commercials?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

okay I love Helen Mirren's dress and am feeling a bit disturbed that her boobs look better than mine. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

roflmao I 'bout keeled over reading all your comments but particularly about the one about Scorcese!! Good thing I wasn't drinking anything at the time......

Anonymous Horrible Warning said...

It just came on here and I'm not bothering to watch. It can't possibly live up to your commentary.

Oh, and I will totally fight you for Jeremy Piven. I have been inexplicably smitten with him for many moons, long before Entourage (although seeing him in that show doesn't hurt, either).

Actually, I might be willing to work out a schedule...

Anonymous gorillabuns said...

not one blubbering moment to be had. this said while i was drinking cocktails wishing my fat ass could fit into reese witherspoons tiny dress.

Anonymous Kate said...

Hee. I like to skip the award shows all together. Instead I just read a few of these funny recaps and then check in at Go Fug Yourself in the morning.

I love Ugly Betty. It sounds like she won something, HOORAY!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a non-sexual man crush on Mr. Piven. If I was female, I'd fight you and Horrible Warning for him.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to wait for it to air in Australia in a few hours... Great post!

Blogger missbhavens said...

I will bring sharp weapons to Piven Smackdown '07. He is mine and y'all can't have him. OK, fine. I'll share him with Kris but only because this is her blog.

I have adored him since "Cupid". I cried when it got cancelled.

(diet Dr. Pepper came out of my nose re: Suri's birth toupee. Oooh, you are wicked!)

Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Are we sure these awards weren't sponsored by the BBC?" I completely agree, but then I decided I didn't care that much. Because this was really, really boring. Would like to also concur on Cameron's unfortunate haircolor and lip color and Hugh Laurie's subtle perfection. sigh . . .

Blogger Nat said...

Did you happen to see the ensemble cast of Grey's Anatomy - there was this very plain blonde lady who looked like the shock of the win might send her into some weird convulsions. From the time it was announced, and the entire duration of the cast being on stage her mouth was gaping wide, so wide infact I thought that she was waiting for someone to throw popcorn in there for good measure.

Blogger Gwen said...

Okay, I am obviously the only person getting a gay vibe off Jeremy Piven. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it might make being "Kris Piven" slightly awkward. I've seen him out and about in Chicago and he is oddly misshapen. Not that there's anything wrong with that either. I'm just saying.

And don't be dissing MarkyMark! I kind of heart him!

Anonymous Kelly said...

I totally thought of the Science Guy! I liked the acceptance speach from House. He was funny.

And you commentary was fabu!

Anonymous Jorge said...

I'm glad I didn't watch it.

I only look forward to award shows for the Krismmentary.


Anonymous bloggadocio said...

May I respectfully disagree with you about Marky Mark. He's an 11, as in superceding 10 and rhymes with 11.

(I liked when F.Huffman had her glasses on after she didn't win. She still looked great.)

Anonymous bloggadocio said...

ha ha, i meant, "rhymes with heaven", but I spilled water all over my hard drive in the middle of that comment and in my haste to FINISH WRITING before cleaning it up I didn't proof my wit.

Blogger Kris said...

Hilar ALL AROUND. Clarification: I heart me some Marky Mark. The muscles, the smooth skin, the feeling of the vibration . . .

But how funny that they were both 80's music stars . . . now acknowledged for their acting chops. There's still hope, Brit.

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Anonymous Neil said...

This was certainly better than the actual show. Except it did ruin it for us in the West Coast.

Fun fact: I went to Rosh Hashana services last year in the same room as the Golden Globes.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Apparently I'm a bit aloof, but my friend I watched with last night said "Bill Nighy the Science Guy" every time the showed him. She also couldn't stand when the actress nominees clapped for themselves.

You guys should be friends.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Am feeling like even more of a pop culture infidel after reading this... must hook up TV. Four months and counting.

Blogger Kris said...

I just got a pain in my chest reading that.

Anonymous Married Jen said...

Hilarious. You have to change your blog name to www.krispiven.com! I had almost all of the same thoughts/senitments/catty comments as you while watching at home. Did you see that part after Ugly Betty walked off stage and didn't know if she was supposed to do that interview or not? And based on the questions asked it seemed quite impromptu! Also, where does JT get off dissing Prince? Love JT, but seriously... And is it just me or does Nicholson gross you out?

Anonymous maliavale said...

I'm grateful for this recap because I was drunk on champagne before 10. Because champagne goes with awards shows. It was not the Moet the celebs were drinking, though; no, we had one bottle called Andre and another Wyclif. Hoorah, indeed. I do remember Beyonce had an ugly ring, and the guy who said "Animation is cool!" That's about it.

Blogger Miss Scarlet said...

I have not forgiven my TiVo for not capturing Brad Pitt for me. We are so on a break.

Blogger Jasclo said...

Ahh, Kris. I feel like I really watched it without going through the pain. Except I know your account is so much funnier.

Blogger Carrie M said...

funniest post ever about the globes. LOL

Anonymous Anonymous said...

hola from spain, it impossble to leave a commenr in your new post so i leave it here.

i just wanted to say that i agree with the fact that men are usually more dependent on women than the other way round. only in an empathetic way and only when we talk about 'feeling, 'love and 'emotion.

nada mas, feliz año y c u soon

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bill Nye = The Science Guy
Bill Nighy = rather hot older Brit who played the aging rock star in Love Actually

(In case anyone wasn't kidding about thinking the're the same guy)

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I want to be friends (in a galss of wine and chit chat sort of way).
You've really got something here.

Blogger Kim said...

Piven's gay.

At least that's what Glenn said last night. Aren't you sad you missed it?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Beatty rocks!

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