December 28, 2006
But you'll never catch me watching Emeril
Being home with a cold isn't all bad, save the comments from the co-workers that "you sound like a frog" on the phone and the fact that you, per usual, only have diet coke and wine in the fridge and don't want to venture out given that you haven't showered in two full days. Cricket is spending an awful lot of time in the bedroom and I have my suspicions that Mommy needs to spruce herself up a little.

I've been catching up on a quite a bit of live and Tivo'd television during the active life hiatus, and have been dying to share some observations with you . . .

Who are these people? Ellen Degeneres devoted several minutes today to viewer artwork sent in to the show. As she introduced the segment, I'm thinking of the creators as students who want to find footing with famous folk or possibly cool, knitting grandmas who crafted purses or macrame owls or some such crazy things. Come to find out that crazy doesn't quite mean what I thought it would; Ellen produced from these "fans" at least a dozen items, including wooden bowls containing her watercolored face, and many, many odd paintings, and one sculpture that may or may not have been made from pure creamery butter. Disturbing to begin with.

Yet most confusing was Ellen's overwhelmingly positive reaction to receiving these, uh, gifts. I must admit, should I have gotten something like any of the above in the mail, I'd be thinking, a) restraining order against the ex-boyfriend, or b) "he's calling from inside the house!!!" or most likely c) slobbering peeping Tom perched n*ked over his pottery wheel while mumbling "precious . . . precious" over my clay likeness. Not cool. Am I right? People?

Who are they trying to reel in with this crap? As the Sentra still refuses to pass DC Inspection, I'm left actually paying attention to car commercials when they air rather than thinking about whether Bill Gates and his wife have consummated their union as of yet, or something else vastly more interesting than the automobile. But this whole thing with Volkswagon really boggles the mind. Who the hell is going to jump up and buy a VW because they are giving away a guitar with every purchase? Is this a teen stoner demographic of which I'm clearly not a part? Because I'm pretty sure most people my age would rather get socks, or coupons for free Wendy's Frosties, or a signed Alyssa Milano poster than a freaking guitar they plug into the outlet formerly known as the lighter. I'm just saying.

Although lovely, Jill Hennessy is just not a good actress. There really just isn't much more to say about that.

There is a train wreck worse than ABC's The View, and it resides on NBC. iVillage Live, billed as "an interactive talk show for women that looks at topics like beauty, parenting, fashion and food" is a great concept in theory, but on screen resembles grown Mouseketeers given a camera and a T-1 line. These people were so animated and so perky and so happy to be awake, it felt a little bit like cotton candy had exploded in my face. And it wasn't very tasty.

Everyone on CBS soap operas is still amazingly hot, despite it having been at least five years, seven kidnappings and three exorcisms since I last watched any of the afternoon lineup. Nikki, I'm not sure what you're doing to keep yourself so well preserved, but it's working for you, kiddo. Jabot should consider actually marketing that stuff.

Watching the Top Chef marathon without leaving the couch will make you want to be a better cook. Nay, a better person. I'm not sure what sort of crack they're putting in that show - either beautiful season of this reality series - but I could use an extra helping of it. There is backstabbing, there is drinking, there is really ugly food made of squid ink and pomegranate that you know just can't be filling without a side loaf of bread, there is name calling and there is sex in the walk in. Well, not that last one, but it's only a matter of time, people. All of it, down to the "pack your knives" and go on back to your job at Applebees rejection line, it's just all good. By the end of my sixth consecutive episode I had downloaded a dozen new recipes to print out and then promptly forget about, looked up part-time cooking schools in my area, and fed the cats "le kibble with a tuna reduction" twice.

But I still haven't showered.


Blogger Wicked H said...

You are able to be this creative with a froggy throat and a head full of snot?


Blogger Washington Cube said...

First of all, I hope you are feeling better soon. Having a cold hasn't robbed you of your blog edge.

Ellen: I've only seen the show once, and a very confused Phyllis Diller was on. She had done a painting of Ellen, and it was a cross between a Keane kid and a Tim Burton backdrop. Also, poor Phyllis didn't even know where she was or who Ellen was.

Cars: Yeah, the guitar thing is strange. I remember reading once that they photograph cars at dawn, usually wetting the pavement down, because the light makes the car seem more appealing at that time of day.

Jill Hennessey: Needs to have her eyes done. Hello, lid lift.

iVillage Live: Haven't seen it, but then I've never seen the show, The View, all of the way through either.

Soap Operas: I saw Passions for the first time on one of my days off during the holidays. I was getting a manicure, and the spa had a wall tv going. What's with the leather bonadage mask, stalking voyeurism heavy breathing guy?

Top Chef (and any reality show) makes me want to smack them, and smack them hard. Your tuna reduction sounds better than what they are dreaming up. One of my friends has a crush on Sam.

Anonymous maliavale said...

Wait, wait. The iVillage Live concept? Not a good idea to start with. That sounds like holy terror waiting to happen.

Feel better soon, pretty lady.

Blogger Kim said...

If you get a VW can I have the guitar?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just came out of my own two-day, ugly-pajama tv marathon today. Great bonding time with the cats, isn't it?

As a matter of fact, if I got a cereal bowl with my face painted on the bottom, I would use it as a cat food bowl. Just so they never forget who's buying the goodies.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll need the recipe for the tuna reduction. If served with a rodent garnish, my cat may yet talk to me.

Top Chef is the best reality show to come along since Iron Chef (I have to say that the American version does lack a certain panache that was packaged with the original series out of Japan), but please don't make me watch Project Runway.

Blogger Miss Scarlet said...

I do wish Nicholas Newman would shave and cut his hair.

Blogger Finn said...

I love the part on the VW commercials where they run the disclaimer that says, "Do not play guitar while driving."

So... I'm supposed to stand in the street, parallel-parked, with the car running, playing the guitar?

Feel better!

Anonymous Jorge said...

When I bought my VW all I got was a negative in front of my bank account and the Devil pointing at me and snickering.

Blogger JordanBaker said...

I totally want to have sex in the walk in with Harold.

And I too am having a sickie DVR fest. It's a pity we don't watch the same soaps, or we could call each other up and croak at one another about the plot developments.

Blogger Carrie M said...

I'm still fuzzy on the whole Brad-is-bad thing.

I'd buy a VW if it came with John Mayer. But that's just me.

Feel better!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is my first cold without cable, and I have to say it might kill me. that, or make me get well a hell of a lot faster!!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Y'know its only bad to not shower if you can smell yourself. Or our cats avoid you, if your nose is blocked up. In any case, nothing beats a late afternoon shower when you're taking a day off.

Blogger Carrie M said...

okay, i have to break in with a Y&R what the fuck...who is the phyllis lookalike in a pseudo prison? is that supposed to be sheila??

Blogger Kris said...

Carrie, I'll have to watch my TiVo again next week. That might be what I'm doing on Monday . . . I can hardly keep up with all the twists and turns and evil twins.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not sick, just hibernating, and I have worn the same pants everyday this week.

Teaching college rocks when you're not in class.

Um, I love VW's, and completely plan to buy one even tho they cost too much to fix. My N wants any car that has GPS and iPod things. We are SO a Christoper Guest movie. Sans braces.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wait, was that a rip on Crossing Jordan? Because I didn't realize that I loved that show until I watched a marathon on Christmas. Or maybe you're just watching early vintage Law and Order.

Call me up when you are healed!

Blogger Brookelina said...

I've been sick too, and apparently watching the same things. Except I jumped in on the James Bond marathon on Spike. Unfortunately Spike at night shows the Girls Gone Wild commercials more than the actual movie.

Blogger Cheryl said...

Haha! I've made some interesting daytime TV observations of late too, some the same.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know - I saw that segment of Ellen - coincidentally while waiting at the garage for my car to be repaired...and I guess I "get" why she likes that stuff. I think she's amazed, as I am at what people do with their spare time. And she must be flattered. I mean someone going through the trouble of creating a butter sculpture in her likeness? Who does that? Hence her delight. And I'll confess, mine

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